Don't want to be here

[Numb and Lost]

5 hours ago, martha jane said:

 

I have shared this on other posts but I was crying in my car one day just in absolute despair, and I prayed so earnestly that if God could just let me know somehow he was ok and in heaven with him, and that I could see him and know him again one day I could go on. I had been keeping the radio off but I was prompted to turn it on right after that. I turned it on to these lyrics from the song "Streets of Gold" It literally answered both of my questions.

[Margm]

I went to Mount Ida today for business..  The person was at lunch where I was to meet.  So, I went by the house and to see Hettie.  Hettie was not home.  The house did not seem the same.  Big wooden fence built all in back, big, long, around all the open property.  I did not know the house or street.  No feelings.  No crying.  I looked at my pink dogwood just starting to sprout out.  Not mine anymore.  Not me anymore.  Not Billy either.  It was neither of us.  I am him and he is me.  We were not there.  I shed no tears all the way up there, all the way home, although I did talk to Billy on the way home.  I don't think I did on the way up there.  Dissociation I guess.  Sometimes the mind does protect itself.  I had dreaded it so much, just like I dreaded the cancer checkups.  

[martha jane]

I didn't post the entry above with the poem. I would have been comforted to hear it and feel it was a message to me. I have had songs play that  I thought was for me. I makes me feel closer to the person and it is usually an old song that you wouldn't normally hear on the radio today.  Will the person who wrote that entry please take credit for it.I would love to know who had that experience.

[kayc]

Martha Jane,

I believe as you do, but there's a significant number of people going through this grief without that belief and I honestly don't know how, my post was for their benefit.  
I'm glad your house didn't catch fire!  I had a near experience like that when I was a child, very frightening!

[MartyT]

The lyrics posted by Numb and Lost are from the song Streets of Gold:

Streets Of Gold

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
One day we'll walk upon
Streets of gold

I don't remember seeing fear in your eyes
When you were fading
The day we said our goodbyes
It's easy to say that there's a reason for this
Much harder to know
That what we say is true

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

Running through your veins was a slow-ticking clock
Counting down the days
And no one could make it stop
All of the time that it takes to figure it out
Could be the moments
That you can't live without

Everything we hold could someday slip away

I want you to know
I'm leaving to let you go
And someday we'll walk upon
The streets of gold

The trouble with love is that it comes to an end
I've got a feeling I'm gonna find you again
Just in a place where love can't die

 

[Numb and Lost]

3 hours ago, martha jane said:

I didn't post the entry above with the poem. I would have been comforted to hear it and feel it was a message to me. I have had songs play that  I thought was for me. I makes me feel closer to the person and it is usually an old song that you wouldn't normally hear on the radio today.  Will the person who wrote that entry please take credit for it.I would love to know who had that experience.

It was me that heard the song. I was trying to quote you in response to some of the things you saw like the rock, but I messed it up somehow. I had never heard the song before that time. I can't believe that was a coincidence that I had just said that prayer then felt I needed to turn on the radio and heard it. I hadn't been listening to the radio at all because most of the time it gets me upset. God answered both my questions by letting me know he was there with him and I would see him again. There is also a line in the song "all the time it takes to figure it out" which is crazy because I have said from the beginning it's like I keep trying to "figure it out." I still have the feeling of trying to figure it out though unfortunately. 

[Margm]

There is one song I will run from, absolutely run from and that is Willie Nelson's (or any cover) of "Always on my mind."  Someone had his son singing it and I started listening.  Bad idea.

[Numb and Lost]

"Tears in Heaven" came on the other day when I was at the gym and I wanted to crawl in a hole and die. 

[Brad]

"To where you are" various artists including Josh Groban another trigger. 

[Numb and Lost]

I read somewhere that the peak of grief on average for most is around 3 months. I'm at 2 now and some days I feel like it is just hitting me that I truly won't see him again in this life. I was walking around in the grocery store today and it hit me I won't ever have that burning feeling of excitement and happiness again when I see his text message on my phone, and I just cried standing in the store. I feel like I don't have anything to really look forward to but dying. I feel like when my children grow up and leave me there will be nothing left to live for. I am just so broken and I feel so alone and no one around me understands. Not even the people who know. People compare it to when they lost their aunt or grandmother and it isn't the same at all. I loved him so much. He was everything I could want and he was never "mine" and people just don't understand how that makes me feel even worse. I feel like the world doesn't look right. I was driving in town where I've lived for 33 years tonight and nothing looked right. I don't even feel like I belong here or anywhere. With no connection to him, and having nothing of his it starts to feel like none of it was real and I'm just dillusional. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Numb And Lost,

I can definitely empathize with some of what you are feeling.  The torment is enormous.  At 13 months I don't think my grief has peaked.  There are days where I can manage with only slight outbursts but other times it's like it just happened and everything is so raw.

I don't know how it feels to be in your place where you feel so alone in your grief because he wasn't your husband.  I would not think it could be easy.  I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly and have no one to comfort you.  All I can say is please don't give up.  If you want to send me a personal message I would be happy to correspond with you.

?

[Numb and Lost]

12 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Hi Numb And Lost,

I can definitely empathize with some of what you are feeling.  The torment is enormous.  At 13 months I don't think my grief has peaked.  There are days where I can manage with only slight outbursts but other times it's like it just happened and everything is so raw.

I don't know how it feels to be in your place where you feel so alone in your grief because he wasn't your husband.  I would not think it could be easy.  I'm sorry that you are hurting so badly and have no one to comfort you.  All I can say is please don't give up.  If you want to send me a personal message I would be happy to correspond with you.

?

Thank you. I'm just so confused and lost. Every day is such a challenge.