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dad remarrying next month


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Hi guys, I really need your help/advice/support. My dad is getting married next month (he's 71). My mom passed away 2.5 years ago. He proposed to his girlfriend on Mother's Day last year. I was supportive of him dating. They were dating about 8 months when he told me he was going to ask her to marry him. It felt somewhat uncomfortable but I still supported him. We are a month out from the wedding and it was become quite the big event. He is having a traditional church wedding, with 260 people invited. He is getting married where him and my mom were married. It's disorganized and rushed. There are so many layers with this. I feel uncomfortable about all of it. When he talks about the details, I feel sick to my stomach. He's pushing for my siblings and I to meet her kids and hang out. I had told him a few months ago, that I support him but that I didn't feel comfortable participating in the ceremony, etc.

He told me last week that I WOULD be participating in the ceremony. I really do support and respect my dad but I just don't want to participate in this. It feels disloyal to my mom and he's caught up in this whirlwind wedding. I feel uncomfortable. What can I do to get through this? How should I act? Is there something I can say or am I supposed to just put on a happy face and get thru it? I care about my dad and don't want him to think I am not supporting him. Just b/c he has moved on, doesn't mean others have. Any thoughts on this would be so appreciated.
Thank you

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maria,

I'm sorry you're being drawn into something you feel uncomfortable with.  I would tell your dad what you've said here, that You do NOT want to be involved in the ceremony, you're uncomfortable how you're feeling about your mom.  

I felt very very uncomfortable at my son's wedding (his dad and I are divorced).  His dad's wife is hateful to me and his dad acts like I'm poison in public (in private he's nicer), and I was dreading it.  I met my sisters for lunch beforehand and had a drink, it relaxed me and made it easier to let everything roll off me.  I'm not a drinker, for some one drink wouldn't do much, but for me it totally relaxed my anxieties and I managed to get through the day.  I was seated in front, by myself, whereas everyone else had someone with them, that was uncomfortable, but I lived through it.

This day is your dad's day and I hope you can let it be about him.  Whether it's disorganized or not, that's something they'll have to live with, not you.  Hoping they have a wonderful day as they start their life together and feel all of your support...that doesn't mean you should have to participate, just be there for him.  I wish you the best with it.

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Maria, my dear, I know this is painful for you, and I'm so sorry about that.

I agree with Kay: Be respectful but  honest with your dad about your feelings. If you decide to attend the wedding, be as discreet about it as you feel comfortable, let your presence be enough, and let the day be about your dad. (Also, bear in mind that the rather large wedding your dad is planning sounds to be a very public affair, and your absence can say much more to your father and his guests than your presence would ~ and could be felt by your dad as very hurtful and embarrassing. (Despite any efforts to dissuade her, our eldest son's bride absolutely refused to include her father in their wedding, and her dad and her paternal grandparents have never forgiven her for what they considered to be a public insult.) 

I don't know if you've already read this article, but you may find it helpful: Remarriage in Widowhood: How Soon Is Too Soon?

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Thank you both for taking the time to write. I agree, I can't just skip it and I wouldn't do that. I don't want him to feel bad.. I just wish he understood where I was coming from with this (wouldn't it be nice if he could read my mind? ;) ) and I also feel trapped into having to participate in the ceremony. I feel as though I will be letting him down if I tell him I feel uncomfortable.. even though I already told him I felt uncomfortable a couple months ago. He told me his girlfriend's kids didn't want to participate so then told me I would have to.. so now I feel stuck in something I just want to be a spectator at. I know I will get thru this and agree it's his life, etc.. it's just one of those things in life you just get thru. Thank you again! and I will be reading the article next!

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Hi Maria~

My mother remarried 4 months after my father passed away. My sister and I were concerned she was rushing into marriage and asked her to slow things down.  Mother already had made up her mind and it's now been 5 years and they're still happy together. His wife had passed 2.5 years earlier, so his adult children were in full support of them marrying. It was the strangest situation to be in the beginning of grieving the loss of our dad, and then have mother planning a wedding and expecting us to be excited about it.  The kicker was she only invited my brother and his wife to stand up for them, so it was another slap to NOT be invited.  In my situation it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my mother is not able to be alone, and she hasn't had to be. That's a win-win in my book otherwise she would have been drifting from my house to my siblings' homes.  She invited us to the wedding after all as an afterthought, but I did not attend as I had plans well in advance that I wasn't willing to change to accommodate her whim.  None of his children attended either, and I don't know whether they were invited.

I was closest with my dad and still miss him terribly.  I could not comprehend how she could rush into another marriage when my dad had just passed.  Her explanation was that to her my dad had been "gone" a long time and as his caretaker she was anxious to live again. My dad had suffered from dementia.  She and her new husband being 70 at the time realized they didn't have unlimited years left.  I understood this, but the part that hurt was the lack of tact or consideration for her children's feelings.  I've attempted to explain it more than once. In her mind she thought we didn't like her new husband.  That was never the case.  It was just so much to accept so soon and handled very badly.  She notified us by text message that she was getting married. My mother, bless her heart.

I too found the article to be very helpful.  My take on it is we have to take care of ourselves as best we can while grieving. If you are comfortable making an appearance for your dad, then by all means do so. But, take care of yourself while supporting him.  Setting clear boundaries has worked really well for me and I too would recommend you discuss all of it with your dad beforehand.  I hope he hears you and understands.

Best of luck!

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Hey ChinUp, thank you. I appreciate hearing how your mom's wedding played out. I care about my dad a lot and I agree, I would rather him be happy than grieving. Prior to him dating this woman, he was living at my house for months.. and honestly as much as I liked having him there.. we got on each others nerves too! ;) He couldn't continue to live at my house and him having his own life is what is needed. I feel much, much better knowing others have had their own unique experiences with this. And setting boundaries is a HUGE task for me to do but also a much needed thing I need to do for myself. I don't know at this point if I can tell my dad I don't want to participate in their wedding.. I would feel as though I am letting him down on some level. I will be able though, to set boundaries in other areas. Thank you for reminding me that it's ok to do so!

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6 hours ago, ChinUp54 said:

Hi Maria~

My mother remarried 4 months after my father passed away. My sister and I were concerned she was rushing into marriage and asked her to slow things down.  Mother already had made up her mind and it's now been 5 years and they're still happy together. His wife had passed 2.5 years earlier, so his adult children were in full support of them marrying. It was the strangest situation to be in the beginning of grieving the loss of our dad, and then have mother planning a wedding and expecting us to be excited about it.  The kicker was she only invited my brother and his wife to stand up for them, so it was another slap to NOT be invited.  In my situation it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my mother is not able to be alone, and she hasn't had to be. That's a win-win in my book otherwise she would have been drifting from my house to my siblings' homes.  She invited us to the wedding after all as an afterthought, but I did not attend as I had plans well in advance that I wasn't willing to change to accommodate her whim.  None of his children attended either, and I don't know whether they were invited.

I was closest with my dad and still miss him terribly.  I could not comprehend how she could rush into another marriage when my dad had just passed.  Her explanation was that to her my dad had been "gone" a long time and as his caretaker she was anxious to live again. My dad had suffered from dementia.  She and her new husband being 70 at the time realized they didn't have unlimited years left.  I understood this, but the part that hurt was the lack of tact or consideration for her children's feelings.  I've attempted to explain it more than once. In her mind she thought we didn't like her new husband.  That was never the case.  It was just so much to accept so soon and handled very badly.  She notified us by text message that she was getting married. My mother, bless her heart.

I too found the article to be very helpful.  My take on it is we have to take care of ourselves as best we can while grieving. If you are comfortable making an appearance for your dad, then by all means do so. But, take care of yourself while supporting him.  Setting clear boundaries has worked really well for me and I too would recommend you discuss all of it with your dad beforehand.  I hope he hears you and understands.

Best of luck!

And ChinUp, I want to add that however this played out, your parents must have done a good job raising you because I know you to be a wonderful and wise person that I admire very much!

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