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How did I get here?


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In August of 2009, Steve came home at lunch on a workday, sat me down at our kitchen table and said 3 words.  'I have cancer.'  The world changed.  I cried so hard I couldn't breathe.  It took days for him to explain the details because I couldn't comprehend much of anything but the gut feeling he would not survive.   I knew our life just took a turn that would change us forever.  For 5 years we became members of the medical community each year getting more intense.  But we still had each other and could do familiar things, things that were always a part of our life.  Key word being 'we'.  In January of 2014, the same year he died, he again came home after a phone call from our vet after we thought our golden retriever just had a sprain and said 'Belle has cancer'.  This time I dropped to the floor in inconsolable crying.  We lost her in July, I lost him in October.

As I enter my 3rd year without him, and have battled more illness than I could ever imagine (I never got sick thru his illlness), I wonder how much more I can take.  But the big question that hit me last night was - how did I get here?   Was this a plan, a fate?  I have never been able to make sense of what happened or why.  Why did whatever randomly select us?  I never in my wildest dreams thought at nearly 59 I would wind up alone and abandoned.  I know there are no answers, but it doesn't mean we don't beg for them, even if futile.  

I have no family.  Just our other dog and a new golden I got 2 months after he died.  It's a family,  but I cannot do what I did before with them as far as dog parks and new adventures because of my health.  I have no close friends in town and the few people I communicate with long distance emphasize the loneliness as I cannot touch them nor see them.  It's been years since someone held me and I feel vulnerable and less than human.  I dont feel at all safe anymore.  I did better the 1st year, worse the 2nd, but things have gone awry this start of the 3rd year.  I've never been more depressed and wondering why I go on.  I'm surrounded by life I cannot relate to anymore.  I've been cut off from the only thing that mattered which was my volunteerring since the beginning of February.  That has shown me  just how empty living is.  The people I talk to from the old life are living thier lives fully still.  Things matter to them.  My counselors tell me I am suicidally depressed.  Yet I am told I will make it thru this.  I'm just passing time.  Platitudes and inspiring articles and videos do nothing for me.  Be in the moment they say.  The moments pretty much all suck.  I have no interests I want to pursue.  Not looking for anyone's answer, but how did I get so broken?  Come from a content life to this hell.  7 years has felt like decades.

There is so much more I could write, but it's just more of the same - depression and utter loneliness.  Just needed to get this out a bit.  Now it's off to try and think of something to feel I did little more than exist another day wishing I could take some pleasure I did that.  I was so proud of myself of handling all the legal things and neglected chores around here after years, but that I done.  I had no idea how long days are on your own.

last night 2 of the guys who use Steve's recording studio came by. They about all the stuff happening with them and it detoured to memories of Steve by them and I creatively nudged them outside to go play thier music.  Ironic as I don't want to be alone but cannot handle hearing about people's lives with their mates and things to do that have purpose to them.  Do I want to  feel this way and looking for reasons to stay stuck?  No.  I just feel trapped.  It's the redundancy day after day and Steve not here to alter it by just living.  It was so simple.  His presence.

 

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RGwen,

I feel so bad for you and understand completely.  I have not found much useful or relevant in my life.  I am fortunate in that I do have kids, but they do not come around much.  Friends are great, but even the best ones have no clue what it is like when you lose your best friend and soul mate.  I try to keep busy, but most of the time I am alone and hate it.  Depression is hard to deal with.  I know you have had a particularly bad time with being sick.  These things are so hard to deal with alone.  Agree with you.  Just them  being alive and being here would fix it.  Thinking about you.

Gin

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Gwen. Sorry you feel as you do. I kinda feel the same but I am only 12 weeks. Awful to think this is what is left for me. I am 73. Kids are all far away but call. We have three dogs. One is my husband's service dog...also a golden retriever. He has lots of fatty tumors. One I am particularly concerned about. He is 8. One of our sons is coming in March and we plan a trip to Santa Fe, NM where our daughter was killed in a car accident 13 years ago. This trip was planned before my hubby died. He was going to help us both get down the steep gully to the site. I had always helped my husband down the gully but broke my femur last year and now we both need help. It  may well be my last trip there unless someone else can help me get down to the bottom. I plan to take our goldie to the vet when we get back. He seems totally fine but I still worry as they are prone to cancer. He misses his "daddy" a lot I think but I know if I lose him I will be that much more devastated. Just dont want the bad news before we leave and of course he is going with us as he has for many years. The other dogs will stay home with a helper. Sorry for my rambling. I think we all feel as you do one time or another, particularly if we are sick. Hard for me to imagine being really sick and alone with nobody. Scary. Many soft hugs to you. Our fur babies are a blessing.

 

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Thank you all for your replies.  I don't know why, but today I was 'stuck' in 2009 and 2014.  I never want to go back there but something dragged me.  Of all the times I could cry about, it would have been preferable about some lost happy time in our life.  I got out for the afternoon but it was empty, anxiety ridden and there was the dreaded coming home.  Called the on call lung doc and the antibiotic ping pong game goes on.  I don't have pneumonia, but could have an ongoing infection in the bronchial tubes from my bronchietasis.   The thought of more antibiotics is so depressing as I know they will compromise eating.  I might as well cancel my life for the next 2 weeks if they insist I need them.  

Autumn, I am so sorry you hear about your daughter and dog.  

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Dear Gwenivere, it's been ages since I responded on the forum but I still read and your sad message came up on my emails and I just felt I had to. I'm so sorry. I know. My Pete died in 2012 and I am just as lost and sad now as when he died. I'm 76 this year. I do have a son and daughter and two lovely grand daughters so I am lucky but nothing compensates for the loss of a beloved husband of 50 years who was everything to me. I've got not helpful words for you but like I did I hope you find some comfort from friends on the forum even if we cannot reach out and hug you. The spring is coming (I'm in England by the way) and maybe it will help. A bit? Yours in sisterhood, Jan

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Gwen,

I just could not find the words to respond earlier. My heart bleeds for you. I heard those very words from my Debbie over the phone back in 2008 and similar ones from Ron's doctor in 2012. For years, I tried to stay strong and somewhat  in denial of reality, I suppose, but in my heart I knew it was just a matter of time. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined what losing them has done to me. I once was an outgoing, fun loving, healthy person. Being reclusive and depressed has become a way of life for me. I don't like ME anymore. Therefore, why would anyone else. Yes, I have my son I see for a few minutes each week, but no friends of any kind to call. I no longer seem to have the energy or the will to climb out of the rabbit hole. I seem to deteriorate a little more each day. I am not even the same person I was when I got my dog Marley. I had visions of taking her to the mountains or the park. Those visions are gone. Fortunately, I have a large yard so she doesn't lack exercise, but I often wonder if she would be better off with a young family with children. I just can't let her go. She is all I've got.

Next month, I will be 70. It is selfish, but there is no anticipation of joy or celebration. There will be no one to spend that special day with. Yes, I am still alive, but only on the outside. I understand so well what you express.

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KK, 70 is a bit young to go into this reclusive , depressive  "rut"...The Dog is a great step up...They love to walk and engage other dogs and people. Two walks a day will lift your spirits and the Dogs.....My neighbor broke her hip the other day, I was searching through a stack of cards looking for a "get well" note when I found at least a half dozen past cards Angela saved....had a Grief burst, then had a couple of big smiles remembering happier times....hang in

 

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Autumn,

My dog is 1/2 Golden Retriever, 1/2 Siberian Husky and he also has cysts and tumors.  I'm keeping an eye on them, he is nine.  I know the worry...I hope both our dogs do just fine with them and we can keep them with us a few more years.

Gwen,

I hate to think that something or someone singles us out for this, when I say I think it's "random" I don't mean "randomly selected", quite the opposite, I don't think we're selected to go through this, I surely hope not.  Maybe luck of the draw.  By the same token, although I feel George and I were meant to be together, it's more like magnets drawing together, I can't see how we could have NOT found each other...so I guess lady luck can work both for and against us.  I'm glad we found each other, glad we got the time that we did, sure wish it hadn't run out.
I do hope your health improves.  Grief is enough to deal with without adding on physical problems!

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Gwen, my dear, my heart hurts for you, and I hope with all my heart that coming here to share your pain has been and continues to be helpful to you ~ but given where you are in your grief at this point in your journey, feeling so helpless, so hopeless and so alone, I don't think it is enough. Has your therapist ever suggested to you the possibility that you are suffering from Complicated Grief? This is a form of grief which requires specialized help, support and understanding ~ and the good news is that nowadays there are therapists who are trained in recognizing it and treating it. They are skilled in applying research-based, core techniques and procedures to help identify and resolve grief complications and guide a person's successful adaptation to loss.

If you are willing, I encourage you to do a bit of reading about Complicated Grief, so you'll be better informed and in a better position to discuss it with your therapist.

You'll find a wealth of information about its treatment here, including articles and videos that describe this specialized form of therapy: Complicated Grief Treatment

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Dear Gwen, when things get difficult, painful and etc in my everyday life, I ask myself why I end up here. Then I remember why.

I told yesterday to my therapist that I have not evolved a better person, that I don't see any positive aspect of this pain. And I don't know what I conciously did to end up being who am I now,  mainly a bitter and cynical young woman. Pain transformed me and I didn't see it coming, just like his death. I thought that I would be sad and miss him. Clueless me.

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2 hours ago, scba said:

I told yesterday to my therapist that I have not evolved a better person, that I don't see any positive aspect of this pain. And I don't know what I conciously did to end up being who am I now,  mainly a bitter and cynical young woman. Pain transformed me and I didn't see it coming, just like his death. I thought that I would be sad and miss him. Clueless me.

Ana, this kind of loss blindsides us. We got hit by an emotional freight train, so it's pretty normal for grief to change us. There's no real joy anymore. Life now is living without love and just holding on for the most part. All any of us can really do is get up in the morning and face the day the best we can.

You mentioned that you don't see any positive aspect to the pain you're feeling. Truthfully there is none. We're traumatized. We lost our world. It's just a matter of co-existing with our pain and somehow functioning in this new life. Somehow finding little victories in our day to day lives.

The fact that you are here posting and you're still trying tells me that you are a strong woman. This life is hard.

Hugs,

Mitch

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Thanks Marty.  I think what is complicating what is already a hellish experience is being sick.  The lung condition is incurable and I have to decide how much I want my day to be treating it and for what reason (for me).  So I can live healthier (maybe) and longer alone?  Hard to find motivation in that.  I have contact, but with medical people day in and out.  Mines complicated because it is revving up the loneliness of grief.  My sanity outlet of volunteering is not possible now.

Karen, I know what you mean about personality changes and your dog.   Mine are pretty much on thier own too now.  I wish I could interact more with them.  I'm falling down the rabbit hole too.  I have changed so much from the person I was that needed so little to live life feeling it was not something to question why.  I just did.  

Kevin, I don't think there is an age that is too young to react to this massive change.  I'm glad you have either the personality, drive or whatever to see more positively than others of us.  I'm 'only' 61, but I don't want to feel there is something wrong with me in how I am reacting to what I have to live with 24/7 that no one knows.  The posts are but snippets of a much bigger experience.  It's almost invalidating to say that to someone here while offering advice about walking dogs when some times getting up is a major feat.  I can't walk my dogs either and it's not totally a choice I made.

this was edited to make my thoughts clearer.  I should know by now not to post close to waking up.

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I'm so sorry, Gwen. I know from personal experience how physical illnesses and living with disabilities can affect our emotional state. Carrying it alone and on top of grief is a heavy load indeed. You are in my heart, and I hope and pray for better health for you  

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I am like you I ask futile questions, and I haven't stopped since he died. In my head I know we all experience death and no one gets out alive but in my heart I just want to know why this happened to me as if I am a lonely victim. I ask why I had to meet him at all. My life had plenty of trials as it was much less meeting and falling in love with him and then losing him to death. I feel trapped too. I feel like I get up every day just trying to make it to the next somehow, but I am absolutely miserable. I feel guilty for feeling miserable because I do have blessings, but yet I don't want to do anything but lay around. I mostly look on my phone at Facebook. I search all the pictures he liked, and commented on. You can search "photos liked by" and they all pop up. It lets me see what he was looking at days before he died and makes him feel alive to me again. It just feels so strange for someone that is 34 to be here one day with hopes and dreams and the next day he is gone never to be seen again. I feel like the world looks different and I don't know my place or purpose anymore, like my entire life and being is just confused now. I don't understand why I had to love someone that I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Reading your post reminded me I'm not the only "victim" who has ever been through this, and I'm not the only person in the world hurting in this way. I certainly feel alone. I just feel like no one around me understands. 

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It's almost invalidating to say that to someone here while offering advice about walking dogs when some times getting up is a major feat.

I'm sure Kevin didn't realize you were in as bad a shape physically as you are when he said that.

It's not invalidating when given to the general grieving public because it's a good suggestion for most, it just isn't applicable to you.  None of us would ever invalidate anything you are going through or feeling, we care about you very much and are so sorry you are going through such hard times physically.  That it is incurable is a huge blow to take.  You are watching your life change more and more and must feel helpless to change it.  I guess your goal can only be to manage it and if you can find anything good in your day whatsoever, that is to be coveted.  I'm sorry you're no longer able to volunteer, I know it was of help to you as well as to them.  Poor doggies, I'm sure they understand.  I hope you have a fenced yard they can run in, I don't, my dog HAS to have his walks and his "play dates" for exercise and exploring.  I pray I physically outlast him for his sake.

You're in my thoughts, dear Gwen, and I think if there's any complicated grief, I'm sure it's to do with your health. :(

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Kay,

I believe Gwen was referring to the comment that Kevin directed at me regarding age 70 being too young to be in a reclusive, depressive "rut". I did feel a bit slighted concerning my feelings, but I will get over it. I did not choose this "rut" for myself. Circumstances have handed it to me on a silver platter. I am glad some are able to navigate their way through devastation and grief with more ease than others.

Gwen, silly question here. Have you been tested for fungal pneumonia or aspergillus? It may be common in a moist environment such as yours.

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Kay, Karen explained better what I was trying to say.  I also have a knee jerk reaction to suggestions/advice that aren't expressed in more of a question (have you thought about maybe.....) than stated as sounding like 'this is what you should do' form.  

My condition is called bronchectasis and involves irreversible damage to the bronchial tubes.  It has reached a stage of lots of at home treatment that would make my day filled with medical routines.  A continuation of 7 years of living that already.  5 were with Steve before mine kicked in.  My quandary is if I want to do all that considering my days are emotionally empty and I feel 'dead' inside already. If I can't go back to volunteering and it means I can't care for my home like I used to to sit and watch TV, then it sounds pretty dismal.  Haven't found any interests as getting out to the nursing home was my passion (still is) for 22 years.  That and what was living a contented life with Steve, guess that goes without saying.

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1 hour ago, KarenK said:

Kay,

I believe Gwen was referring to the comment that Kevin directed at me regarding age 70 being too young to be in a reclusive, depressive "rut". I did feel a bit slighted concerning my feelings, but I will get over it. I did not choose this "rut" for myself. Circumstances have handed it to me on a silver platter. I am glad some are able to navigate their way through devastation and grief with more ease than others.

Gwen, silly question here. Have you been tested for fungal pneumonia or aspergillus? It may be common in a moist environment such as yours.

I'm in a rut at 33. I can't imagine living to even 70 or even 50,60 in this terrible state that I'm in. It is down right frightening to me. I know that is a terrible way to feel and a horrible thing to say. Every day I can't wait until night time when I just close my eyes and pretend none of this is real. 

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My friends you are missing the point.....the first step in healing( and this is a healing forum), is for us to recognize we are in a rut......then we move on to heal ourselves....And  Animals are the best healers, movement to allow in some Hospitals....

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I am in a rut at 73 but I know similar people in ruts at 21. Loss of a soul mate punches us all into the deepest of ruts. Yes. I walk my dogs but if I couldnt I would cuddle them. They are a saving grace for many of us. I should not just say dogs...cats, birds, horses, etc. dont think a snake would be too cuddly  but what do I know?  For me, I feel pretty "crappy" at times and I dont have any physical problems (other than my broken heart) so do what you can do. Perhaps there is some way of volunteering by phone? For sure, this group is a bunch of wonderful volunteers...you being one of them! 

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Karen,

I'm sorry, I guess I missed that.  70 IS too young for that, but 51 was too young for George to die, sometimes we don't get a say so what comes our way, it can make it hard to know how to go on, but that's something only each person can decide for themselves, no one can tell us what to do, only offer suggestions and sometimes even those don't work because the person offering the suggestion doesn't realize fully what we're up against.   I know you keep trying, and I admire that about you, it's been hard in the face of losing your husband AND daughter and having your grandson living there with his problems, financial struggles, I know it's been hard.  I try not to think too deep about my own circumstances, just keep trying to plug away, honestly, I don't know how I'll make it through my old age, best not to think about, just keep going.  Like Darrel always said, one foot in front of the other, that's kind of become my way.

Right now it's one shovelful at a time (snowing again). 

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