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On 2/25/2017 at 5:06 PM, Gwenivere said:

My counselors tell me I am suicidally depressed.  Yet I am told I will make it thru this.  I'm just passing time.

Gwen, you are one that I worry about.  WBS has already made me feel more safe about her.  I know you all get tired of hearing about my illnesses.  Nearly 35 years ago they were putting canisters of radium into my female parts, up inside them.  Betcha would not think a medical terminologist could not or would not use the terms.  Essentially what they did was get rid of the cancer with inside and outside radiation.  I think they have changed tactics some.  We were left in bed two different times, 72 hours each time, (could not move) with canisters of radium in our insides.  We had no feeling of them, but they had to be done in the operating room.  You see people with those haz-mat uniforms cleaning up chemicals spilled on the highway, well, when we were checked on, people with those kind of uniforms including head gear came to check on us.  We had a catheter but were given something where we would not defecate until after the 72 hours.  Saved my life..  I had nearly 33 years of some troubles, but hey, I was living.  I got to work, raise my family, love my grandkids and Billy and my kinfolks for a long time.  Then that friable tissue exploded sending poison (overall sepsis) all over my body and I was unconscious and don't remember much of the first week.  My surgeon was an innovative surgeon with the personality of an angry grizzly bear.  (He had to have anger classes, but not because of me, because of his personality).  This angry surgeon, instead of putting in a colostomy bag, he fixed a tube, then removed it, and I was put on some strict orders the rest of my life, which is a ticking time bomb.  I take my temp often, because if it goes up, it means the artificial colon he made up is not working or has ruptured.  I stay on a strict "nothing healthy" diet, because that is what I have to live..  No fiber.  No one can help me in the medical community.  Like the GYN doc said when I was hemorrhaging, we can do a D&C, but if we find anything we cannot fix it.  But, in the meantime, I can eat steak, fried chicken, gravy, biscuits, cakes, etc.  Just no healthy veggies.  And my tummy talks constantly.  And, I take Miralax the rest of my life and know where every restroom is when I have to get away from home.  (Going to Mount Ida, I know where the logging roads and bushes are located).  

I can walk.  I am like the tinman of Wizard of Oz, I get so stiff in my joints, and am in danger of falling, which I have done a couple of times.  Still, maybe I am in better condition than you are.  And, I am not an example to follow, I am simply a blob of flesh that Billy left behind and said "the one left must stay."  I have things I have to do, and as Robert Frost said, I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep.  And, if Billy had outlived me, these are the things he would be having to do also.  As much as I miss that ole bearded, tall, lanky fellow, I have to try to complete this task.  And that is why the (new doc/fired doc) insisted I take antidepressants with me telling her I could not.  I'm not ready to let go yet, though I might be one of these days.  But, it will be at the time it is supposed to be.  I won't help it along unless I can do it with necessary deliberation, and only then at a natural pace.

Please, I wish I could offer support.  I hope someone can offer support.  

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Gwen,

I haven't had the chance to talk to you before, so first let me say I am so sorry for your loss.  Steve sounds like a wonderful, caring husband, and I am so sorry you are without him through your health issues, and indeed without him at all.  I am only 45, and in good health, so I probably have many years before I have to deal with serious medical problems of my own.  The prospect, and indeed likelihood that I will have to do so alone is daunting.

You are an amazing person for dealing with it as you have.  To continue to volunteer throughout it further proves the point.  I know that volunteering is so important to you, and that not having that outlet is painful.  I think someone mentioned phone volunteering, here, or in another thread.

I know that many animal shelters and humane societies have phone volunteer programs now.  I used to work for a shelter that had such a program.  Essentially the volunteer matches lost dog reports that are called in by owners to the physical descriptions of dogs that are brought to the shelter.  It may not be your cup of tea, but I thought I would mention the possibility.

I don't think you are trying to stay stuck.  I think that like all of us, you are having difficulty seeing any of the good things in life.  Additionally the loss of your work volunteering has added another layer of grief to the whole puzzle, and a very recent one.  Add in your health issues and your rut is deeper than most.  I have trouble pulling myself out of the rut every day, if it were any deeper I can't imagine the strength and resolve it would take.  Once again, to have dealt with it as you have shows what an amazing person you truly are.  Hoping you find at least a little relief from your medical situations, and some comfort and peace in your life,

Herc

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On 2/26/2017 at 8:16 PM, Numb and Lost said:

I am like you I ask futile questions, and I haven't stopped since he died. In my head I know we all experience death and no one gets out alive but in my heart I just want to know why this happened to me as if I am a lonely victim. I ask why I had to meet him at all. My life had plenty of trials as it was much less meeting and falling in love with him and then losing him to death. I feel trapped too. I feel like I get up every day just trying to make it to the next somehow, but I am absolutely miserable. I feel guilty for feeling miserable because I do have blessings, but yet I don't want to do anything but lay around. I mostly look on my phone at Facebook. I search all the pictures he liked, and commented on. You can search "photos liked by" and they all pop up. It lets me see what he was looking at days before he died and makes him feel alive to me again. It just feels so strange for someone that is 34 to be here one day with hopes and dreams and the next day he is gone never to be seen again. I feel like the world looks different and I don't know my place or purpose anymore, like my entire life and being is just confused now. I don't understand why I had to love someone that I wasn't supposed to in the first place. Reading your post reminded me I'm not the only "victim" who has ever been through this, and I'm not the only person in the world hurting in this way. I certainly feel alone. I just feel like no one around me understands. 

youre definitely not alone in that 

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Friday I got so desperate with dealing with so many doctors that I crashed my primary care physicians office.  He's the only one that truly knows all of me.  We had a long talk about how illness, the stress of that combined with learning to manage life alone plus the constant grief can wreak so much havoc on a person.  I thought about how changed everything has been for years that we adapt to without realizing how much more we are doing.  Coming home used to be easy, but now I have to do so much before I can sit down.  They may be little things, but they add up.  Then I am hit that Steve is gone.  Sleep changes because we know waking will be to a world we never imagined.  Everything that needs to be done is on us now.  Sometimes we don't even see it and wonder why we are exhausted.  I'm not used to taking down time and have to do that to make it thru this.  Maybe someday more energy will return, but going to sleep last night I was so aching for him and it was like primal crying because I knew it would be another day like so many others.  I keep thinking there is something wrong with me and I remember I will never again see the person I love most in the world.  Ever.  That thought just overwhelmes me.  When I went to the doctor, I called my counselor as I couldn't talk to him.  I now have to make decisions alone and hope they are right or call someone to run it by them.  I'm rambling because I'm exhausted.   I'm now facing a decision about an endoscopy and colonoscopy that terrifies me because I will be alone to go thru the prep.  I am not asking for advice or suggestions!  It becomes a decision of if i can handle that on top of all the existing stress.  And the bonus?  It adds more stress.  And no, there is no one I can call or come be with me.   Anotherr fork in the road if this is even worth it anymore.  I just want to go to sleep for about a week.

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Gwen,

I hope you manage to get some rest.  Stress is so relentless, I hope you find a way to relax a bit as well.  I wish I were there just to give you a hug, but I guess a virtual one will have to do.  With all the peace and tranquility I can mentally send your way, ((((hug)))

Herc

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Well Gwen, I just looked where you live.  Ferris Yaris and I are getting used to being on the road, but I think he would give out before we got to Washington.  One thing I know, no one can come in with you anyhow except the nurses and doc.  And, I think now they give you stuff that puts you out, so you will enjoy that resting time.  I'm afraid I would just have to call 911, but my sister would be around.  My kids have deserted me but I have Brianna and sure don't want to worry her.  As soon as you can, please let us know how you are doing because if we cannot be present, remember, you are on our minds.  And, I will try out my mustard seed faith in prayer too.  I know you didn't ask for it, but I'm gonna give it a try anyhow.  Until then we will have to send you virtual hugs..  I wish we could do better.  Your on my mind and heart though.

Kids have not "deserted" me but are otherwise occupied.  Which is good.

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Hi gwen

i am in a similar situation. i need my routine ten Year colonoscopy and I have no one to take me there or home. Since you are "put out" you must have a driver and no a taxi is not acceptable at least where I am. I really have no one to ask so I called one if those Angel Care places to see if I can hire somebody for the day. My kids are all over the country and I dont want to burden them with this. My best friend died a year ago and hubby 14 weeks ago. We were always a team, a duo, one...and didnt have a lot of friends. We had each other. Neighnors are great but would rather hire a stranger than ask their assistance...or maybe I wont have it done at all. What the heck I am 73....sometimes I wonder why bother. So in ways we are in similar sitations. Hugs, I know how you feel somewhat...terribly alone and hurting oh so bad!

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I am not asking for advice or suggestions!  

I understand, Gwen. I just want you to know that we are here, we are listening, we care about you, and we are thinking of you 

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Thank you all.  Especially for no suggestions.  Sometimes you just need to let it out.  

I'm sitting here again at midnight after 2 years and the obvious hits me every night.  Feeling I have aged so much and realizing why.  I'm growing old alone.  I should be feeling this with Steve.  That was the plan.  We should be sitting here griping about the aches and pains together.   Seems everything I watch/see is geared to another generation.  That is fine, but I sure miss watching it happen with my 'old man'.  :(

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Gwen,

I think it's so great that you are able to express how you're feeling and articulate what you want and don't want from us!  Sometimes we expect people to read our minds and are angry when people can't.  No advice here!  Today I am feeling somewhat along the same veins and my entire day will be shoveling snow, break, shoveling snow, break, repeat, etc.  How different it would be if George and I could share in this together!  And come in for a cup of hot chocolate and holding hands during the breaks.

You're right, having everything on you is so hard, and all the more so because of your health.  I hate colonoscopies.  I'd much rather have a root canal (if it wasn't for the price).  I don't mind the colonoscopy as they knock you out, but the prep, ugh!  I know they have an optional way other than drinking all that stuff until you want to throw up but I don't know how to force their hand to get them to use the alternative way...I don't even remember what it is.

I like how Marg said she'd even try out her mustard seed of faith for you. :)  Me too.  (((hugs)))
 

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32 minutes ago, kayc said:

 I hate colonoscopies.  I'd much rather have a root canal (if it wasn't for the price).  I don't mind the colonoscopy as they knock you out, but the prep, ugh!  I know they have an optional way other than drinking all that stuff until you want to throw up but I don't know how to force their hand to get them to use the alternative way...I don't even remember what it is.

 
 

As one who gets colonoscopies and endoscopies annually (yes lucky me) I have learned not to dread them.  Early on, doctors prescribed GoLYTELY and it was horrible.  The volume required to be consumed was torture.  For the past several years my prep was changed to MoviPrep.  Far less volume and a much easier and more tolerable cleansing and yet it works as well.  For those of you staring a colonoscopy in the face, it may be worth a conversation with your doctors.

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7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 That was the plan. 

John Steinbeck wrote his book "Of Mice and Men" I believe from the Robert Burns poem "To a Mouse."  And his dialect held it as "moose."  in 1785.  

I always say God loves me, but he thinks I am a comedian, so when I make plans, he laughs and laughs at me.  

The words without  the Scottish dialect are below:

But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often askew,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!

I think of this often.  Billy and I got to live a long time with each other, we got to carry out a lot of plans, but we let things hinder us along the way and stop those plans because carrying them out would hurt others, so we covered our plans, and we waited for a better time.  We waited too late.  But, we had a good time waiting and I won't be bitter.  (I probably will, I am imperfect that way).

Do like Brad said and ask for the concoction he takes.   

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22 hours ago, Brad said:

Early on, doctors prescribed GoLYTELY and it was horrible.  The volume required to be consumed was torture.  For the past several years my prep was changed to MoviPrep.  Far less volume and a much easier and more tolerable cleansing and yet it works as well

I got Trilyte...miserable.  What I don't understand is they prescribe the same amount for a 100 lb. woman as they do a 350 lb. man!

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I've found myself thinking how can the death of someone get me so f*cked up?  I know, I know.....this was no 'ordinary' death.  But my reaction has caused me to question my own sanity.  My diagnosis from therapy is suicidaly depressed.  My logical mind says there must be something physically wrong the doctors are missing.  Not only mentally, but physically I am feeling so many horrible things.  I want them to fix it, but there is nothing they can do.  Just like there is nothing i can do to fix the pain and grief.  It feels so utterly helpless.  The last time I felt normal was in 2013.  Even tho Steve was ill, we were doing things pretty much as normal.  I cared about my life.  Taking the dogs to the park,  volunteering, I could laugh and there was life in this house.  4 years have passed of sliding downhill as not only did  he die in 2014, that January one of our dogs was diagnosed with incurable cancer and lost to us in months.  

There is not a day that goes by that is even close to the life we had.  Day after day, year after year.  Not unexpected, but I am not adapting well at all.  I hate this feeling nothing about anything and doing even the smallest things feeling monumental.  Overly sensitive too.  A woman I meet for an hour on Sundays cancelled and I panic....what will I do with that time?  (Rhetorical).  I volunteer today and all I think if is getting it done so I can get home, yet coming here is empty.  This isn't a new normal, this is some kind of nightmare I can't wake up from.  I had a dream about the old days I saw something for Steve's brother and was asking him if he would like it.  So simple, yet I am totally messed up from it now that I am awake.  It was so natural and not tainted by his absence.  My head feels like I want to explode.  People not in this want so many things and get excited about plans and I feel dead.  I'd just love to ask him what we were going to order tonight at our fav restaurant.  I want to talk to him.  Hold his hand.  Watch a show or movie together.  

My wants are so simple.  I could buy a car or move or take a fancy trip, but I can't even say one word to him nor he to me.  Can't buy that anywhere.  Can't order it online.  Can't make it happen at all.  

I am amazed at how this changed everything in ways I never imagined or had a clue about.  No matter how I try to look at this, it comes down to him.  Like this is a revelation, not.  I read about cynicism and rage.   It is the death of hope.  That is what I feel because I was betrayed by hope.  I still carry a medallion he gave me with that I keep a promise to do so.  But I don't feel it. That was stolen too.

its sad knowing people will be glad to see me at the nursing home, put on the game face and leave to a lonelier life than they have.  They are at an age of acceptance they have little time left.  I envy them, odd as that sounds.  They have no fear.  To be free of that.......

needed a babble day.

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Gwen, I read the above but does this mean you have already had your colonoscopy?  All I have are words and sometimes they make people angry.  I hurt because you are hurting so hopelessly.  I got out in Ferris Yaris this morning just to get away from the house and tomorrow is my sister's birthday so have to get her cards.  She does not want any more "junky gifts" and I honestly do no know what to get her.  So, I did like my mama used to do, I bought things she can "use."  I got her a bottle of the new Dove foam bath soap.  Dumb gift, but I'm at a dumb age.  I talked to Billy a lot this morning on way to postoffice (remember to put your keys in your left pocket, don't leave them in car), and I could pray to Jesus but I would just wind up talking to Billy.  Kelli is stuck in Kansas and cannot get back home.  I begged her not to go..  Scott is on my living room sofa sleeping until first of month when he can rent a space for RV.  "Please Billy, help those grown kids find a life, and please help me finish raising our granddaughter."  She could not sleep the other night I was so sick.  She was afraid I was going to die also (and I was kinda scared when the temp went up myself).  My sister won't have a job after the school session is out and only gets paid when she works.  So, what am I gonna do?  I hugged her yesterday and could hear the sounds in her chest.  But I am here worried about all those people so maybe I don't have time to worry about me.  They cannot pay for the things I pay for, for them, so I am out that much money.  But then, that is a whole nuther worry than you have.  You really sometimes cannot compare oranges and apples.  

Gwen, you have my little mustard seed prayer and I will try to make it grow.  Right now I'm waiting for Billy or Jesus to straighten things out with the rest of the family. 

I'm goiing to see "Beauty and the Beast" Tuesday.  Did you know some idiot wrote in that the whole movie was a sin because beastiality was a sin in the Bible.  This whole world is going to hell in a handbasket (and I need to look that one up).  Now our old fairy tales are being torn apart too.  

Well, being Mary Sunshine today is not my best job.  I am sorry, and Gwen, you are on my heart.  You see, I know a lot about how you feel.  I just have a bunch of disruptions that are good and bad.  I honestly think I would like to climb up in my bed and for weeks just watch Netflix, Hulu (not sure how to do that one), and my granddaughter has not taught me how to use a lot of the stuff yet.  I think I could find something and could go for days without talking or seeing people.........if they would let me.  

Again, I did not read how your medical tests went, if you don't mind sharing.  

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Gwen,

Understand how rotten you feel.  I have so little people contact.  It can be such a lonely life on top of not having the one  person you yearn for.  Hope you are feeling a little better physically.

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I too hear your thoughts Gwen.  I think about getting something done in the yard and then I'm inundated with the 'why bother'.  He isn't here to notice or to tell me he's proud that I'm becoming quite proficient on the tractor.  His tractor, he loved playing on it so much.  I'm sad when I use it because it represents the last thing I saw him do: plowing snow in the driveway January 5th 2016.

Take care Gwen, you too Gin.  ?

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

.  I want to talk to him.  Hold his hand.  Watch a show or movie together.  

My wants are so simple.  I could buy a car or move or take a fancy trip, but I can't even say one word to him nor he to me.  Can't buy that anywhere.  Can't order it online.  Can't make it happen at all.  

I am amazed at how this changed everything in ways I never imagined or had a clue about.  No matter how I try to look at this, it comes down to him.  Like this is a revelation, not.  I read about cynicism and rage.   It is the death of hope.  That is what I feel because I was betrayed by hope.  I still carry a medallion he gave me with that I keep a promise to do so.  But I don't feel it. That was stolen too.

I understand. 

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