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hi everyone new to this but here i go


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i am a 35 year old male father of two with a stepdaughter so really father of three though one not biological. my wife passed away in June of 2015.  first couple of weeks it hit me extremely hard crying depression. I turned to my christian friends on facebook for support. stayed with my mother and stepdad for about a month. went got a job briefly though in reality it was too far away to travel back and forth. anyway after a month i got back on my own and moved my 2 kids..they took my stepdaughter away from us cuz she wasnt legally mine. so in one day we went from a family of 5 to a family of 3 two losses at once. when i moved back on my own i got increasingly more addicted to electronic outlets as i really have never been much of a people person. my wife was my best friend and soulmate we went through everything together and she knew me like no one else did. after august of 2015 i just started to block everything out never wanted to be crying around the kids always felt the need to be strong. after a while i started drinking..too heavily. and just this last month i developed anxiety attacks.  and now my blood pressure is high or borderline high but my heartbeat has been going over 120 beats per minute at rest. its hard to sleep  hard to do anything. and now i find myself missing sara more than ever because she was the one person in the world who could always calm me down.  anyway this is me this is my story. 

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Im 33 and I have had occasional anxiety attacks but nothing like I have had since his death. I start thinking about the details of his crash and everything involved around my entire time of knowing and loving him and I just start to feel like I'm going to pass out. I get dizzy and hot and I feel like I'm suffocating. I started taking .5 xanax it's the only thing that helps. It's been two months since he died. The attacks are getting a little less frequent but the depression isn't lightening up at all. 

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gdragon33,

I am so sorry for your loss and that of your children.  Losing your stepdaughter on top of it must be brutal.  I hope that her biological father is aware, supportive and caring, and that you at least have frequent contact with her.  I know that dealing with my daughters biological father has been challenging at times.  But at least if we don't see eye to eye on most things, we both have our daughters best interests at heart.

I also know the feeling of needing to be strong for your children, it is something I want to work on, because I think I may lose touch with them emotionally if I don't share my grief with them, and allow them to share theirs with me.  My wife was always the one to deal with that side of things, and now I am not sure how to go about it.  I know I can never fill her shoes, but my daughters do still need that parental emotional outlet.

I also drink heavily, although I did that before as well.  I don't think I am at the too heavily point, but I do have to keep my mind on it to make sure it doesn't get worse with time.  I hope you are getting some medical help for the anxiety and blood pressure issues, our children need us now more than ever.  I also hope you get some rest, peace, and comfort,

Herc

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thank you both of you. there are times i break down in front of the kids but i try my best not to. but i guess youre right every once in a while it is needed. far better than to be keeping everything bottled up. I really dont like to talk about everything but lately i see the need to have a place to vent. and this place seems as good as any atleast with people who also are going through the same things. sorry for your losses as well. what makes it really hard going through all this anxiety was that my wife was the one i always went to when i was feeling anxious and i could talk to her about everything best friend soulmate wife. but you are right we need to be there now for our kids more than ever.  Numb and lost i hope the xanax work well for you and you continue to get better.    Herc thank you for your wishes 

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That is one of the beauties of forums like this, you can vent, and there will be people who understand everything you are saying.  Of course it isn't a replacement, nothing ever will be.  That is the unfortunate misery that joins everyone here.

I was having grief attacks on my commute home every night for a while.  It was getting dangerous, and I had to find a way to stop it.  I took a dozen roses to my wife's grave for Valentine's Day, and after I put them in the holder, I tucked the ribbon that had tied them together in my coat pocket.

A few days later as I was preparing for my ride home, trying to relax before starting the car up I started digging through my pockets for a cigarette and felt the ribbon.  It immediately brought me some peace, and focus.  So I tied it around my mirror, and now whenever I feel one of those grief attacks come on while I am driving, I just touch the ribbon, tell my wife how much I love her, and that I know she still loves me.  It has worked so far.

I don't know if you have anything of hers that has brought you peace like that.  I don't know if it would help you if you did.  I don't even know if mine will continue to help me tomorrow, I am day to day.  I do know I still talk to her, and even if she can't hear me, it helps,

Herc

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last night i found myself reading through old emails it was bittersweet. my 10 year old daughter really is having a hard time also always crying and being depressed lashing out in anger at everyone. my son who is 7 he never even talks about her but i know he must be hurting deep inside i just dont know how to reach him to help. 

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gdragon,

I am sorry for your loss, as many times I've said those words to people and mean them deeply, they don't begin to convey the heartfelt meaning behind them because I know all too well the pain of such loss. :(

Reminder to drinkers:  it's a depressant and NOT something we need to throw into the mix of grieving.  Everyone gets through this the only way they know how, but just saying, it's not a help.

I'm sorry also that you lost your stepdaughter, so unfair and not necessarily the best thing for her, I hope you at least have visits?

Herc,

I'm glad you have that ribbon, it's good to have something that brings us comfort, esp. something tangible.

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I think the best way for parents to help our children with grief is to take care of our own grief first. The more you know and understand about what is normal in grief and what you can do to manage your own reactions, the better prepared you are to support your children. You'll find lots of helpful information here: Children, Teens and Grief. See also Mixing Alcohol with Grief: Will It Lead to Addiction?

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It's good you brought up drinking Kay and the perils of. I did a lot of that at home when the demons came. It served no purpose for the demons in my glass just joined with the others who came to visit. Demons like to come at night when we are alone and things are quiet and that is the absolute worst time to be drinking.

gdragon thank you for sharing your story and welcome to our group. Lot of good advice and suggestions will be available to you here. 

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I hesitated to bring it up because I don't want anyone to think I don't understand the "don't care" feelings and I certainly understand the urge to turn to anything that can numb the pain...but I also realize it's not a help, quite the opposite.  I'm just sorry for anyone going through this!

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Hi all, gdragon33...no judgement here...I am still navigating this loss...hope you find some peace...it must be hard with young children....

today I woke up ful,of anxieties...haven't done that in a while....I have been trying to keep busy, but my heart is just broke, shattered on the ground in tiny little pieces...it's hard to talk to people about as no one really wants to hear it and they have no answers and all,are struggling with their own grief, sets of problems, etc...

I have to get ready for a doc appt..at least the weather is nice. A great day to crank up,the stereo , open the sun roof and rock out.

It helps...cheers all? Still trying to get through each day, Marie

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On 2/28/2017 at 11:42 AM, KATPILOT said:

It's good you brought up drinking Kay and the perils of. I did a lot of that at home when the demons came. It served no purpose for the demons in my glass just joined with the others who came to visit. Demons like to come at night when we are alone and things are quiet and that is the absolute worst time to be drinking.

gdragon thank you for sharing your story and welcome to our group. Lot of good advice and suggestions will be available to you here. 

 

44 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hesitated to bring it up because I don't want anyone to think I don't understand the "don't care" feelings and I certainly understand the urge to turn to anything that can numb the pain...but I also realize it's not a help, quite the opposite.  I'm just sorry for anyone going through this!

It is good to bring it up.  As I was one of the people that mentioned they drink heavily, I appreciate the concern from both of you, truly.  It is nice to have someone worry about you, even if they are relatively new people in your life, and possibly more so because of that fact.  I'm aware alcohol is a depressant, and that it probably doesn't help the situation.  I have also neither increased or decreased the amount I drink.

This is normal for me, and for the lifestyle I had before.  To change would be introducing a new factor at a time when I already have plenty of new factors.  That having been said, I am trying to make positive changes in my life where I can throughout this process.  The disruption to my life does give me the opportunity to change some patterns and behaviors in a positive way.  

But the way I view it, I am a responsible drinker.  I never drink and drive, and while it is probably a bit on the heavy side as far as health concerns go, it doesn't affect my work, my relationships with family and friends, my growth as a functional caring person, or any other aspect of my life in a negative way that I am aware of.  If it ever does, it will be time to take a good long hard look at it, and I encourage anyone who may think they have an issue with drinking to do so as well.  But really, thank you for the concern, it is sweet, and if you ever see me typing with a slur, let me know I may have a problem. ;)

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Gdragon33, welcome to this site, I think it will be a big help to you. I must say I don't know how it would feel to lose someone at such a young age. My husband was 84 and had lived a very good life, loved his work and his family. I think it must be terribly hard to have young children and go through what you are. My  children are all grown and a great help to me even though two of them live on separate coasts. Another daughter is closer and we spend time together when she can take off work. My husband died Dec 13, 2016. People tell me it gets better but you never get over it. Hope things get easier for you. I have old letters that I read, they make me sad but I love to read them.

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So today kind of sucked lol...the navy base is where I go for doc appts...and all I could do was think of Kev today....

Cranked up the stereo talked with friends, fam and it still sucked..no other way to put it.

Not finding much of s positive outlook today, Marie

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there are times ill just sit and play all sara's favorite music just to sit and hear it and sometimes its almost like she is right there listening with me. her favorite radio station was JoyFM  it used to drive me nuts how much she would wanna listen to it i grew up on country music and would change the station on her a lot but now theres nothing i wanna listen to more crazy the way that works sometimes 

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48 minutes ago, gdragon33 said:

there are times ill just sit and play all sara's favorite music just to sit and hear it and sometimes its almost like she is right there listening with me. her favorite radio station was JoyFM  it used to drive me nuts how much she would wanna listen to it i grew up on country music and would change the station on her a lot but now theres nothing i wanna listen to more crazy the way that works sometimes 

I get it.  Christine and I had similar tastes in music so not on that front for me.  For me it's TV.  I am a fan of action movies and TV shows, she was always into crime documentaries and romantic comedies.  I find myself binge watching things on Netflix that never would have been a thought 6 months ago.

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I have watched my share of Netflix, too! I like a wide variety of things. My wife preferred to watch a few shows over and over. The same with movies. 

The first six months it was too painful to listen to our favorite music.  Then later I found it gave me a sense of peace and comfort between the tears.  Each of us search for ways that help us to cope with the grief and loss we have for our beloved.  I read many posts here and are learning many ways to cope and deal with grief.

It is a learning process. Discover what works for you.  Many wonderful people here to listen, care, and share.  We are not alone even thought the most devastating thing in our life has occurred.  It changes us. Feel the feelings and try not let the feelings completely dictate your actions. 

I had to learn to take care of myself as well as I took care of my wife and her mother years earlier.  I write, post, journal, pray and study.  Each day is a new gift of Grace.  I try to live in today as much as I can. I can not change the past and I don't know what the future holds. I can only deal with the here and today.  Search for your pathway through this grief.  - Shalom   

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6 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I have watched my share of Netflix, too! I like a wide variety of things. My wife preferred to watch a few shows over and over. The same with movies. 

The first six months it was too painful to listen to our favorite music .  Then later I found it gave me a sense of peace and comfort between the tears.  Each of us search for way that help us to cope with the grief and loss we have for our beloved.  I read many posts here and learned of many ways to cope and deal with grief.

It is a learning process. Discover what works for you.  Many wonderful people here to listen, care, and share.  We are not alone even thought the most devastating thing in our life has occurred.  It changes us. Feel the feelings and try not let the feelings completely dictate your actions. 

I had to learn to take care of myself as well as I took care of my wife and her mother years earlier.  I write, post, journal, pray and study.  Each day is a new gift of Grace.  I try to live in today as much as I can. I can not change the past and I don't know what the future holds. I can only deal with the here and today.  Search for your pathway through this grief.  - Shalom   

yes a lot of prayer and studying the bible too just starting going through it from beginning reading 5 or so chapters every day 

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3 hours ago, gdragon33 said:

yes a lot of prayer and studying the bible too just starting going through it from beginning reading 5 or so chapters every day 

 

(Christian point of view following)

I am doing that as well. Just reading straight through as well as reading different studies and devotions. It's the only thing that brings me any peace. I am studying end time prophecy also as I am quite ready for the rapture to take place. I think that's another thing that gives me hope is that we may join loved ones in heaven soon. So much prophecy has been filled. I am very interested in the great sign from revelation 12 that will be in the sky on Sept 23. 

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22 hours ago, Herc said:

But really, thank you for the concern, it is sweet, and if you ever see me typing with a slur, let me know I may have a problem. ;)

Haha, will do! :D

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