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Hello everyone,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum, and been sharing regularly elsewhere.  My wife Christine officially passed two months and two days ago.  Christmas morning is the day the paramedics made the call, but I found her collapsed on the bathroom floor on Christmas eve and knew she was gone immediately.  We had known one another for the past 12 years, and feel in love almost immediately.  We were married for the last 6.  She was 49, and though she had some serious medical conditions, we were supposed to have many years left to grow old together.

We have two 22 year old children, my stepdaughter, and an unofficially adopted daughter, both of whom I consider my own.  Our adopted daughter lives in Florida, where she went to college.  She is planning on moving back to Maryland at the end of April.  That had been the plan all along, but Christine's passing has accelerated it.  My stepdaughter lives in our condo, which is now her condo.  My wife and I met in the courtyard of our condo building, and throughout our relationship kept both condos.  Christine needed space for her home office and home based business, and I was happy to have a whole apartment for a man cave.  It was an unusual living situation, but it worked so well for us.  Now I am moving back into my condo, and helping my daughters take the home that had been ours.

I was at my condo wrapping a few last minute gifts for her the night she passed, so I wasn't with her in her last moments.  I had some guilt about that at first, but have resolved it for the most part.  I was in absolute shock until a day or two before Valentine's day.  I could function normally for the most part, go to work, attending meetings with lawyers, make the arrangements, but it was all done in a daze.  The moments I wasn't shuffling like a zombie, or nodding my head yes and hoping I was making good decisions, I was lost in my grief, crying almost non stop and just trying to find a way through the pain of losing half my heart.

That was when I found the other forum, and started really digesting the passing of my wife.  I am at a point now where I can be positive at times.  I have accepted her passing and am trying to find my way forward in this harsh new world without her.  It still hurts almost every minute, but I have found a few moments of comfort, and know I will find more.  There are still moments where all I can do is sit, feel the pain of my loss, and cry for what should have been.  But there are also moments where I know she is with me, in spirit, in my heart, or just in my memories.  I can think of her and smile now, even if there are still tears in my eyes, which was all I asked for in those first few horrible weeks.

I doubt I will ever heal from this loss, and I wouldn't want to.  She was a part of me, and she is now gone.  But I am beginning to think that I can find some kind of life after her, one that I can be proud of, and one which she will always be a part of, even if she isn't here physically.  I have gotten to this point in my grieving process by sharing openly, and think that sharing here as well might be comforting.  Wishing you all comfort and peace,

Herc

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Autumn2,

Thank you, and hugs to you as well.

 

Numb and Lost,

It is a process, I guess I got lucky somehow and made a large stride early on, if anyone in these horrible circumstances can be called lucky.  Everyones grief is unique, as is our path through it.  Do what you need to do for yourself, take it one step at a time, and eventually you will make the progress you can at the time, and at the time you need to.

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Numb and Lost,

I don't think that accepting and letting go are the same thing.  I have accepted that my wife has passed.  I have accepted that there is nothing I can do about that.  I have accepted that if I am to move forward in this world, I will have to find a way to do it without her physical support.

But I have not let go of her love.  I have not let go of the emotions, thoughts, or memories that we shared.  I have not let go of who she was, what she meant to me, or what we built together.  And the part that gives me hope, and lets me be positive about some things, is that I don't have to, and I never will.

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Herc, you sound like a wise man who has already learned a great deal about grief and how to manage it. Thank you for sharing that. You're absolutely right about the notion of "letting go." We learn to let go of the pain of loss, or at least we can learn how to carry it ~ but we can hold onto the love we shared forever. Death ended your beloved Christine's earthly life, but it did not end the relationship you have with her. Love never dies, and your memories will last as long as you keep them alive in your heart and in your mind.

In Grief: Aversion to Thoughts of "Acceptance" and "Moving On"

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9 hours ago, MartyT said:

or at least we can learn how to carry it

You have joined a group of people who literally saved my life and I appreciate them all.  The loss will never go away, but how we handle the loss will be something that you, yourself, will find a way to go on.  There are some I worry about, but there are some I worried about who are going on with their life.  It is like we have lost half our body and are trying to go down the path flopping along with half a body, half a heart.  But, that is what they left us.  It keeps coming back to me some things Billy told me "the one left must stay."  I did not want to stay.  I understood the culture of women whose mates were set out in a burning boat and the widows threw themselves on the burning bier.  I wanted to do that.  But, we do have to learn to live and it is not easy.  Stay on here, you will get the help you need and you will most of all learn, you are not alone.  Say what you feel, everyone will understand, and most have already put it into words.

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10 hours ago, MartyT said:

Herc, you sound like a wise man who has already learned a great deal about grief and how to manage it. Thank you for sharing that. You're absolutely right about the notion of "letting go." We learn to let go of the pain of loss, or at least we can learn how to carry it ~ but we can hold onto the love we shared forever. Death ended your beloved Christine's earthly life, but it did not end the relationship you have with her. Love never dies, and your memories will last as long as you keep them alive in your heart and in your mind.

In Grief: Aversion to Thoughts of "Acceptance" and "Moving On"

He IS a very wise man, I feel lucky we have him here now.  Herc, I didn't realize your loss was this fresh, I'm sorry.  It is amazing you are able to process things in your mind this soon, I was just a foggy blur at this stage of it, I'm afraid, not doing well at all.  I did try to have positive outlook and that has aided me greatly, but I can't even take credit for that, because I believe even those thoughts were implanted.

This is the place that saved my life, the place that's always been there for me, my saving grace.  These people are wonderful, understanding.  We're like a family of sorts.

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MartyT and KayC,

Thank you both for the kind words and the welcome.  I'm trying to get to Marty's article, but having a very busy and stressful morning at work so haven't found the time yet.  I don't know about the wise man stuff, just doing the best I can in a horrible situation, but I do appreciate the thought.  I can already tell what a healing place this is, with compassionate and caring people.

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Marg M,

Thank you for your insights.  You are one of those compassionate and caring people I mentioned.  Your concern for others on this path is touching, and something I have been trying to embrace myself through this difficult time.  The viking funerals you mention are something I studied for a while in my youth.  In some cases, the women would board the boat before it was set to sea, and then set it ablaze once it got a good distance from shore.

Until this experience, I had trouble understanding how anyone could do that, but I get it all too well now.  I too though have to stay, and further find some kind of meaning in the landscape of this new life.  It's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work, but I have had a few glimpses that encourage me I can get there.  While I wish none of us had reason to be on a website like this, I am glad for the excellent company.  Thank you again,

Herc

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Hello Herc, Thanks for sharing your insight...so,sorry for your loss....

Marg you said it ..flopping around with half of me, yep..still flopping around with half of me...I have to continually remind myself of what really matters and seek some sort of peace within and some sense of love ...comfort ..forgiveness...joy...peace...all of Gods characteristics that I fail so miserably at.

Peace to all...let me go flop around to my doc appt this afternoon ...Marie

 

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So I took the morning off work to take our (Christine's) cat, Pokey, to the vet.  This is the cat I have to medicate twice daily.  We were going for a recheck on some blood work.  She has a thyroid problem, which is what the medication is for, and her values had spiked pretty seriously after Christine's passing.

This cat truly was Christine's.  I love her too of course, but she wouldn't sleep on my side of the bed if I had slept on it until Christine washed the sheets.  It's hard to explain, but this was most definitely Christine's cat and there are no two ways about it.  So I had attributed the spike in thyroid levels to separation anxiety.  But upon visiting, the vet did a check on the thyroid gland and it has swollen noticeably.  From roughly 0.5 cm to 1.5 cm.

The most likely cause of this is that the benign carcinoma that was next to the thyroid and caused the original problems has become malignant.  We still need the blood work to come back, which should be some time in the next few days, but the outlook right now is not good.  The vet is talking about the possibility of chemotherapy, radioactive isotopes, and potential surgery.

Pokey is about 16 years old, and while I would do anything to hold on to her, I am looking at her quality of life.  I am not sure how cats react to chemotherapy, but I have seen it in humans and it isn't nice.  Putting her through that to add a year or two of adequate to poor health is not appealing.  I've spoken to the vet, and she agrees.  We will get the results back and look at potential treatment options of course, and things could change.  But right now I don't see a lot of options.

If things go badly, losing another part of Christine will be devastating.  Right now Pokey is doing well, but I also couldn't bear to see her suffer.  Just hitting a low point today,

Herc

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Wow, Herc,

I am amazed at your insight and progress you have already made through this grief.  I pray you will be comforted and find some respite.  There may be some other natural treatments that you can search out that will help Pokey to heal and recover.  My prayers are with you today.  - Shalom, George

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8 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

Wow, Herc,

I am amazed at your insight and progress you have already made through this grief.  I pray you will be comforted and find some respite.  There may be some other natural treatments that you can search out that will help Pokey to heal and recover.  My prayers are with you today.  - Shalom, George

George,

Thank you for the kind words and prayers.  Other treatment options is a good idea.  I am normally pretty solid in following standard medical treatment, but as this is one of those cases where following the standard treatment may not be for the best, looking for alternatives is something.  Time to go do a little research.  I hadn't even had time to think of that yet, so thanks again,

Herc

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Herc, I'm hoping for the best for you and Pokey. Everything is so magnified after losing our beloved. The day my wife Tammy died, I made us lunch and brought it up to Tammy so we could eat together in our bedroom. That was our last meal together and I simply couldn't throw the leftovers away. Finally after a very long time and much mold, I did. And it was extremely painful for me. It felt like I was somehow throwing away part of the life I had with Tammy.

Pokey, being so much a part of Christine's life makes any decision you make traumatic. Just do what you think is for the best. Rest assured you have Christine's blessing. She knows how much you love her. There's no question of that.

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George, I couldn't agree more, I have been very impressed with Herc.

Herc,  I am so sorry Pokey is going through this.  It would be all the harder being as it was Christine's cat, like another link being severed.  George had a cat, Tigger, although we picked him out together, he really was George's cat.  he would play with him while I fixed dinner.  Tigger hung around for two months after George died and I'll never forget the last time I saw him, he took one long last look at me as if to memorize every feature, then he took off, never to return.  He was only one and in great health, I am sure he went in search of another home or to make it on his own.  It's like he gave George every chance to come back and when he didn't, he left.

My rule of thumb when deciding when to put my pets to sleep is weighing their quality of life with their discomfort.  If they have something fatal, like my King George (cat) with his cancer, he was age 19, and are miserable, I can't see keeping them alive.  Or my Lucky girl (dog), she was 14, incontinent, arthritic, hard of hearing, she'd stopped smiling the last two years but when she started whimpering in her sleep, I thought, it's time.  It's so hard making that determination, but I want to do what's best for them, not hold onto them beyond when I should at their expense.  My son held onto Skye (dog) longer than he should have, and I don't want to describe what he went through right before he finally let the vet put him to sleep.  He regrets that he didn't do it sooner.  Sometimes it's so hard to know just when because we have our own emotions involved too.

I know you will do what is best for Pokey.  It hurts but the consolation is that they are free from pain and suffering and when Pokey goes, maybe, just maybe Pokey will be joined with Christine's spirit.:wub:  I'm sorry for what you're going through.

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KayC,

Thanks for understanding, sometimes that is all we really need.  I worked at an animal shelter for about 5 years.  It wasn't a "no-kill" shelter, we put down about 20 animals a week.  I cross trained for every position in the shelter, I was primarily a dispatcher, but did office work, kennel duties, field services, everything except vet tech, which you need documented medical training for.

I was the vet techs go to for an assistant when putting down animals though, because I was reliable, strong enough to control even some of the large and more aggressive dogs, and always treated the situation with the compassion the animals deserved.  I saw a lot of vet techs leave because they had so many issues with putting the animals down.  It was a rough job that requires a very special person.  You get attached, bringing the animals in, caring for their every need for weeks, and then suddenly having to lose them because you have to make space for other animals who deserve a chance to be adopted as well.

I would still be doing it today if it paid better, playing with animals for a living was wonderful, even if there were the oh too frequent moments of heartbreak.  I often wonder if those experiences, at least in a small way helped prepare me for this one.  I've also had many pets that I have had to put down myself.  A wonderful black-lab/australian shepherd mix named Magic, that I may have waited a bit too long on, hip dysplasia and a second floor apartment don't combine well.  I carried him up and down the stairs three times a day for walks for about six months.  He had a wonderful last day though, with very little pain and two steaks, one cooked and one raw.  He ate them both, because he was a hog.  He was actually the one who brought Christine and I together.

A cat named Guava that has more stories than most people I know.  We managed to stretch his life by about a year and a half with surgery for a kidney problem he had, but I had to put him down about two years back when the kidney problems spiraled out of control.  My point is this is a situation I have a lot of experience with, so I know I'll make the right call when the times comes.  Hopefully it is still a good ways off, Pokey isn't showing any signs of discomfort or pain at this point, so we might have quite some time before I have to make the call.

I'll get there, the news just hit me at an already low point, I had a rough morning leading up to it.  I am sure when the time comes, Pokey will head off to Christine and tell her what good care I took of her.  Thanks for the understanding, compassion, and letting me ramble,

Herc

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George,

Thanks so much for the suggestion on alternative treatments.  I think I am going to try making homemade cat food.  Some people have had positive results from molasses and baking soda, and something called Essiac Tea.  Essiac has pretty well been debunked, so I am not sure about that, but I will give the molasses and baking soda a try.  Other ingredients in the home made cat food include broccli, pumpkin, liver, fish oil, shitake mushrooms, and a multi vitamin to ensure proper nutritional values.

I am a pretty good cook, but catering to a cats pallet isn't something I have tried before.  I'll see if I cant come up with something she doesn't completely spurn.  I have to balance it with a diet that is good for kidney function as well since some of the blood work came back and she is having some issues with the numbers on that front.  I might end up going to a holistic vet to get some advice on all of it.  Even if it doesn't do anything, at least I will know I am trying something which is important to me as turning down some of the standard treatment options left me feeling like I wasn't trying to help Pokey.  Thanks again,

Herc

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Herc,

You are well equipped for caring for animals then, as well as knowing when it's "the time", gosh that's so hard!  It does sound like a good job, albeit an emotional one at times.
I've been making my own dog food for my Arlie for over a year as he has chronic acute Colitis.  It's working for him and has the added benefit of getting him to goal weight!  I truly believe he will live all the longer for it.  Good luck with it and continue to keep us posted on Pokey.

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