Numb and Lost

I don't want to be stronger

7 posts in this topic

I am so tired of hearing how I will be a stronger and better person having gone through this. I don't care anything about being stronger. I should be a bullet proof indestructable tank given what I had already been through. I know my friends mean well but I don't even want to talk to them anymore because everything they say infuriates me in some way, sometimes maybe even when it shouldn't. No one can possibly fathom this agony if they haven't experienced it themselves. I realize I am not a voice of encouragement on this forum and I apologize for that. I just feel so utterly hopeless. I can't drive in my car by myself without crying. I can't listen to music hardly. Sometimes I have a normal appetite but then I get sick afterwards. I turn the radio on and then back off pretty quickly. I can't stand most songs. I just can't believe something I feared so much and then dreamed about really happened. It isn't normal to have a fear that a 34 year old will die for no reason, however I did have that fear and my fear became my reality. I thought I was finished with my "anger" stage of grief but evidently not because I am livid today. I'm not angry at God I'm just angry. Im angry and drowning in tears even as I type. I feel like I just can't take it and I can't accept this and go on to leave any normal semblance of a life. I may go through the motions and look normal on the outside but not inside. I know I have to as I don't have a choice but I don't know how. I don't want to "find the positive in every day" as people suggest. I don't find anything positive right now. I also know from experience life can ALWAYS get worse so I shouldn't feel like nothing is positive but I can't help it right now. My biggest struggle is accepting he is gone. I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure what. I think I've probably said this already as apparently I'm turning into a repetitive forgetful parrot but I always felt like there was more to come concerning him and me even during times we weren't seeing each other.  I was always right. I still feel that way. I feel it so strongly. I just feel like something is going to happen and I'm waiting on whatever that is. I hope the reason I feel that way is because I really will see him again in heaven. My friends that know don't want to hear it anymore so I pretty much have nowhere to go but here. They think I should be "better" by now. I used to look for him when I was on the road now I just look at the clouds. I do not know how to "let go." I just don't want to.  It just doesn't seem real. I'm really repeating myself now.  I'm making myself sick, in the middle of a breakdown on here typing at the same time with teardrops all over my phone screen. 

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Everything you are describing is grief.  Grievers ARE thin-skinned in the earlier days and take offense at pretty much anything anyone says to them, whether true or not.  Everything seems to strike us the wrong way when in this stage of grief!  Try to hold off throwing your friends out and realize it's where you are in your grief and they mean well even if everything they say and do seems to bomb.  

I was 11 days into my grief journey after losing my beloved husband when I began looking for something good in each day, so I know it can be done.  Right now you're feeling angry and that keeps you from being able to find anything positive.  It's not what people want to hear, but it truly is a choice.  If it's not a choice you can make right now, perhaps later on it will be.  Right now everything you are feeling is part of your grief and it's where you are in your journey.  No one can tell you you "should" anything, let alone that you "should" be better right now.  That's bull crap, I'm sorry!  When they have walked a day in your shoes, they STILL can't tell you how you should feel!  Why?  Because they aren't you, they didn't have the exact same relationship you had, they don't have your personality, your coping skills, they are not on your journey!  You alone can choose how you make this journey, and no one else.  It doesn't FEEL like we even have the ability to choose because when we're in it our feelings are so strong and they tend to lead us.  BUT feelings aren't a good barometer of anything and aren't meant to guide us especially through these hard places...yet at the same time our brain is in a fog because of the grief, what a dilemma!  It does get better but I can't tell you when, it's different for everyone.  Right now just keep on crying your tears and know that your feelings are valid.

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Sometimes I have moments when I feel kind of normal, and ok. But I think it's because in those moments I forget that he is gone forever from this life. When I'm working my mind gets temporarily focused on that but then when I get in my car I immediately remember the times I called him when getting in my car between traveling for work. The last day I ever spoke to him was a rainy Tuesday just like we had yesterday here. The last time he ever text me was a rainy Wed like today. Yesterday when I was in my car I wasn't parked in the same spot that I last talked to him on that rainy Tuesday. Those are the moments that I feel I will never be ok or happy again.  

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I can actually feel the pain you are in. I wish I could do something to comfort you but I haven't found much to comfort myself except for the fact that my husband lived a long life and possibly escaped being bedridden from  Parkinson's.  34 is so very young. It seems much more of a tragedy than when an older person dies. My husband got sick and never had a chance although I didn't realize it at the time. I have a friend who keeps asking me what I am going to do, that I can't live alone, etc. She knows nothing about how it feels for your husband to die. She said she had talked to a lot of widows and know how they think.  No she does not. NO one knows until it happens to them. Don't worry about crying,  I do the same thing and am staying away from church because I don't want people to see me cry.  Its hard to see the places he walked, the truck he drove, the tools that he used to make a good living for me and my children. I could go on and on but you know what I mean.  Please just take things a day at a time or an hour at a time and right now don't think about the future and what you should do.  I don't know your circumstances but it doesn't matter. The man you love is gone and it seems impossible, so impossible.

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It does seem so impossible. I feel like I just can't do it, can't go on, but of course I have no choice. I understand why you avoid church. Sometimes the sermon touches my heart but it makes me sad and it makes me cry at the same time. In fact tonight at church my eyes were watery the entire time. I was telling myself "don't cry don't cry don't cry." No your friend couldn't possibly understand how you feel. I can't believe people that even suggest they understand when they haven't been through this. I think taking it an hour at a time is even more appropriate than a day at a time. It's funny how I feel ok for a min when I'm working or washing clothes and then it hits me he's gone and I won't see or talk to him again. I don't think there is anything more painful in life than death. I think I would rather be physically hurting or dying myself than experiencing this emotional pain. 

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12 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

No your friend couldn't possibly understand how you feel. I can't believe people that even suggest they understand when they haven't been through this.

We were just talking about that in my grief support group yesterday.  People don't even get that they don't get it!
Numb and Lost, you are my daughter's age, my heart breaks for you, I can't imagine her having to go through this at this young of an age.  Yet on the other grief site there are so many age 22 or so...it just seems so unfair!  Some left with babies to raise on their own.  It's just so hard. :(

I was just mentioning to my group that sometimes we can't even handle a day at a time and we might have to break it down to an hour or a minute, whatever we feel we can handle.

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It's crazy how the entire world seems so different. Everything looks and sounds different. It was so ironic Marty posted that song that said "now I see clouds from both sides" because I just look up at them all the time now and think about him, being on the other side of them. I imagine the day we are caught up in the clouds. 

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