Numb and Lost

I don't want to be stronger

45 posts in this topic

I don't think losses are equal, all our relationships are different and the grief equals the love, it takes oh so much time to learn to do this journey!  And we have it in our thinking that kids are not supposed to go before their parents, but when it does happen like that, it's really hard to grasp.  Our expectation and societal culture is tied up with it too.  I don't think anything equals the love we have for our kids or our spouse.  The spousal loss hits hard with secondary losses, but gosh, I don't want to say I couldn't survive the loss of one of my kids, but I just don't know how I would...I don't think it's something you'd ever recover from, but more something that we have to learn to live with.  My heart goes out to you, I hope you'll keep coming here, we're here for you.  (((hugs)))

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/28/2017 at 7:02 PM, Numb and Lost said:

I am so tired of hearing how I will be a stronger and better person having gone through this. I don't care anything about being stronger. I should be a bullet proof indestructable tank given what I had already been through. I know my friends mean well but I don't even want to talk to them anymore because everything they say infuriates me in some way, sometimes maybe even when it shouldn't. No one can possibly fathom this agony if they haven't experienced it themselves. I realize I am not a voice of encouragement on this forum and I apologize for that. I just feel so utterly hopeless. I can't drive in my car by myself without crying. I can't listen to music hardly. Sometimes I have a normal appetite but then I get sick afterwards. I turn the radio on and then back off pretty quickly. I can't stand most songs. I just can't believe something I feared so much and then dreamed about really happened. It isn't normal to have a fear that a 34 year old will die for no reason, however I did have that fear and my fear became my reality. I thought I was finished with my "anger" stage of grief but evidently not because I am livid today. I'm not angry at God I'm just angry. Im angry and drowning in tears even as I type. I feel like I just can't take it and I can't accept this and go on to leave any normal semblance of a life. I may go through the motions and look normal on the outside but not inside. I know I have to as I don't have a choice but I don't know how. I don't want to "find the positive in every day" as people suggest. I don't find anything positive right now. I also know from experience life can ALWAYS get worse so I shouldn't feel like nothing is positive but I can't help it right now. My biggest struggle is accepting he is gone. I'm holding on to something and I'm not sure what. I think I've probably said this already as apparently I'm turning into a repetitive forgetful parrot but I always felt like there was more to come concerning him and me even during times we weren't seeing each other.  I was always right. I still feel that way. I feel it so strongly. I just feel like something is going to happen and I'm waiting on whatever that is. I hope the reason I feel that way is because I really will see him again in heaven. My friends that know don't want to hear it anymore so I pretty much have nowhere to go but here. They think I should be "better" by now. I used to look for him when I was on the road now I just look at the clouds. I do not know how to "let go." I just don't want to.  It just doesn't seem real. I'm really repeating myself now.  I'm making myself sick, in the middle of a breakdown on here typing at the same time with teardrops all over my phone screen. 

I agree that people want to stop hearing about our loss..in fact even some family members have told me There's no point in talking anymore.. it hurts because that's all I want to do.. thinking and talking about him..

whats with the car and crying I do it all the time.i now decided I won't talk about my son unless people ask me..

i will grieve privately or on this forum.

thanks for being there

 

hugs

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Chellaboosmom said:

whats with the car and crying I do it all the time.

I think it's because when we're alone in our car, it becomes for us a very private (and sound-proof) sanctuary ~ a place where we can let our feelings out without being seen or heard by others. What frightens me sometimes, however, is when I think of how many people driving on the highway are just like us ~ in the process of mourning a significant loss. I hope if when we're driving and we feel overwhelmed with a "grief attack" we have the presence of mind to pull over until it passes, or at least until we can pull ourselves back enough to pay attention to the task at hand: driving safely so we don't endanger ourselves or others on the road.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

True theres a solace in the car... I am always crying in the bathrooms too.. even at work .. nothing is going to bring him back

hurting like hell.. working like a zombie 

 

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 5/4/2017 at 3:02 PM, Chellaboosmom said:

True theres a solace in the car... I am always crying in the bathrooms too.. even at work .. nothing is going to bring him back

hurting like hell.. working like a zombie 

 

I arill cry so so much. I start crying right in the middle of random activities. I just put my sunglasses on and try to hide it. My eyes are watered up right now. It's just all the time. I know there isn't any point in the what ifs but I can't stop myself from it. I also just imagine what it would be like if he were still here. Because of the nature in how I knew him all I have is this forum and a few close friends that know. They say things that really baffle me sometimes, have even made little jokes concerning his death. Death isn't a situation to make light of. It's going on 5 months now and I just still feel so hopeless. It still doesn't feel like it can be real. I don't feel like I'll ever be ok.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm sorry people make light of it and even joke about his death, that's horrible!  They wouldn't be joking if they were going through it. :(

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, kayc said:

I'm sorry people make light of it and even joke about his death, that's horrible!  They wouldn't be joking if they were going through it. :(

Right! I don't understand it at all. It's almost like they are trying to just make light of a bad situation but this isn't like a lost job or wrecked car! 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe it's their way of downplaying it so YOU will be impacted lesser...but it doesn't work that way and it's highly inappropriate of them!

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm tired of therapy.. but grieving more after Mother's Day ..am I ever gonna be tears free... hurts all the time.. lying in bed seems the best thing to do but can't sleep despite meds.. seem like I can't function.. though I work and work out

 

 

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This song was posted elsewhere on this forum, I hope it brings you comfort...

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Life goes on 

yet another person asked me if I had kids 

I had to reply not anymore.. need a better answer... can't just say no..

 I don't have anything to look forward to 

need a motive to go on..

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that is a fine reply, or you could say, "Yes, in heaven."  

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Chellaboosmom, as I read through your posts, my heart just hurts for you. I know it doesn't help to hear this, but it's been barely three months since the death of your son, and the fact that your grief is still so fresh and your pain is so raw is not unusual. It takes several weeks for the initial shock and numbness of a significant loss like this to begin to wane, and then you are hit with the full force of all that you have lost. It may feel as if you got hit by a truck and are drowning in sorrow ~ but you are not alone, and we are here to toss a lifeline to you whenever you need it. You say you're tired of therapy (I don't know if your therapist specializes in child loss and bereavement, but I hope so) and you can barely function even though you still work and work out. Have you done any reading or looked for any resources that may guide you and help you to better understand and manage your reactions? I've gathered links to a number of helpful ones here, and I hope you'll consider some of them: When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

You've not yet shared with us the details of your son's death. We don't even know his name. Can you tell us a bit about him? Do you have any pictures of him you'd be willing to share with us? What are some of your favorite memories of him?  

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I just now read this article by our friend and colleague, Alan Pedersen, Executive Director of The Compassionate Friends, and I thought of you, Chellaboosmom. If you're not yet familiar with this organization, I strongly urge you to get in touch as soon as possible. If you follow this link to Alan's article, you'll see a Chapter Locator box on the same page:

Speaking From The Heart by Alan Pedersen

. . . What I love most about what we do as an organization is that we bring people together from different backgrounds who share common feelings. None of us needs to walk alone; scared of our own insecurities in grief or our thoughts that we are somehow damaged beyond repair. Together we create a safe community where we can face our fears…or not. We can challenge our triggers, or ride them out. We can talk about this new life we encounter walking the grief road without shame or guilt . . .  Read on here >>>

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

And then there is this:

I’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR DAD

Posted on June 5th, 2017

Years have come and gone and time has surely drifted by
I’ve searched for any answer yet I’m left to wonder why
The only thing I know for sure through the happy and the sad
No matter what the circumstance I will always be your dad
Not a day goes by that I don’t hold you in my heart
My love reaches far beyond this space we are apart
These empty arms remember all the good times that we had
I may be standing here alone but I will always be your dad
Some won’t understand so I don’t bother to explain
They look into my eyes but they can only see the pain
Afraid to look too deep as they are blinded by the fear
If only they could know a father’s love won’t disappear
So when this road gets lonely and the journey seems too hard
And I get to feeling sorry that I didn’t get a card
If I close my eyes I can almost hear you say
I love you and I miss you daddy….Happy Fathers Day

~ Alan Pedersen

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just change the "dad" to "mom" and frame it, that is beautiful.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, kayc said:

Just change the "dad" to "mom" and frame it, that is beautiful.

Thanks for sharing 

the words touch my heart and tears are running down

 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, MartyT said:

Chellaboosmom, as I read through your posts, my heart just hurts for you. I know it doesn't help to hear this, but it's been barely three months since the death of your son, and the fact that your grief is still so fresh and your pain is so raw is not unusual. It takes several weeks for the initial shock and numbness of a significant loss like this to begin to wane, and then you are hit with the full force of all that you have lost. It may feel as if you got hit by a truck and are drowning in sorrow ~ but you are not alone, and we are here to toss a lifeline to you whenever you need it. You say you're tired of therapy (I don't know if your therapist specializes in child loss and bereavement, but I hope so) and you can barely function even though you still work and work out. Have you done any reading or looked for any resources that may guide you and help you to better understand and manage your reactions? I've gathered links to a number of helpful ones here, and I hope you'll consider some of them: When An Adult Child Dies: Resources for Bereaved Parents

You've not yet shared with us the details of your son's death. We don't even know his name. Can you tell us a bit about him? Do you have any pictures of him you'd be willing to share with us? What are some of your favorite memories of him?  

Dear friend 

our only son Prashant was 29 years old handsome highly achieved but killed himself by jumping off his 32 nd floor balcony 

he was the joy of our life especially mine

we enjoyed each other's  company so much.. he was so kind loving compassionate easily laughed with me.. I could go on and on

bottom line I feel I have lost everything in life..can't admit I don't have him anymore 

i am really trying to stay upbeat under the circumstances ... it seems every one has moved on except me... I know my husband is hurting too but somehow I can't seem to connect with him in this grief

im reading a book but end up crying mostly 

sleep is impossible... not sure what life has in store for me

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Chellaboosmom said:

I know my husband is hurting too but somehow I can't seem to connect with him in this grief

This is common as people grieve individually, but I hope the two of you can find a way to connect, even in your grief.  No one has the memories of being parents to Prashant but the two of you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Losing a child is devastating in itself, but to lose a child to suicide is beyond description. I am so very sorry, Chellaboosmom, to learn the cause of Prashant's death. In addition to what you'll find through The Compassionate Friends, I hope you'll consider one or more of the many resources available for survivors of suicide loss. I've listed many or them here: Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now