AB3 Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 It's been awhile since I posted on here but not a whole has changed. I started antidepressants recently and have been going to therapy regularly. They both help to some degree but at the end of the day....it's still the same pain....it's still the same emptiness. I never felt more lost in life and lost in this world. Most days I feel like I'm wandering through life blind or in a daze. Does that make any sense?? I don't know what my purpose is or who I am. Life just feels more like a bad job, one that I hate but need in order to pay bills. But I have learned to accept this "new life" and the realization that this is all there is.....this is all it will be. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brad Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Oh AB3 - You are still so early in the process. It has been a little less than three months so yes it does make sense: the emptiness, the sense of being lost, dazed, blind. This is such a long and exasperating process. Right now learning to accept this new life is a major milestone you should be proud of. Initially, I felt as if I wasn't progressing at all but then I learned to not look back at yesterday or last week but to look back at where I was months ago. Somedays are better, but they are rare. As days build into weeks which build into months things do improve. Right now I still don't know my purpose or who I am. Right now I only know that things are better than they were a year ago. Hopefully, for all of us, this isn't all it will be but someday we will have a better understanding of who we are. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Well said Brad. AB3, each persons timeline on grief is different. There is no right or wrong path dealing with this grief. I felt the same way for a long time. In the early newly grieving state, I was just in Shock for a long time. Death is so sudden and finally and it took me a long time to even realize and accept what happened. This place helped me to be myself and express what ever was going on. There is so much to learn and accept. For me, I knew I needed to just feel the feelings even though I would rather just stuff them down, deny them, bury them, etc... this forum is so great in allowing each of us to share and express what we are going through. Many days I would just get up hold on and hang on. Life didn't make sense but I knew by the fellow grievers here that this grief would become less intense. I hung on to the hope of that. My prayer is that you continue each moment to hang on and hold on. I discovered that even in all this pain and grief that there is a purpose. My faith and belief encourages me to press forward. I can FEEL the feelings but I do not necessarily need to act on them. But they do point and direct me to learn something about myself in this process. In your journey, you will discover your path through this grief one moment at a time. - Shalom, George 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 Dear AB, It's so good to hear from you. I have been wondering how you were. Please be gentle with yourself. I had dinner with some girl friends last night...one is battling cancer ...we talked about the loneliness and emptiness we each had from our experiences...it resonated with me to hear my friends journey and similar battles with the isolation that has resulted. Still, I get up every morning and continue plodding through.... I miss Kev so very much....I encourage all my friends in relationships to love each other dearly and tenderly.. There is so much we take for granted ....and so much we miss.....when we lose our partner and it's just us.... As a side note and maybe a funny one, I started online dating and the amount of frauds has been mind blowing for me...I am beginning to think it's because I am a widow and I may just deactivate it and forget about it....I research and am cautious ..it appears to have become a money game for the companies and loaded with frauds. I got off track, but thought you might get a chuckle ..I even had one on Facebook.....shaking my head... Social graces are so different today....how does a woman like me figure out this new life? I am lost too AB.... Brad and George are so thoughtful and helpful...I think Brad was the first one to greet me when I arrived back in the Fall. March 12 will be 9 months for me....I don't sleep as much, I am more cognitive, I think lol. I am still lonely..I still miss Kev, My heart is still shattered in pieces on the ground .... I plan things...clean house and try to watch tv..not much good on there anymore ..... How do I live without you?.. Plays in my mind over and over.... I love you all that are in this boat with me....maybe it's a ship of fools lol ....just kidding had to lighten up this somehow ... Hugs, AB.... Marie 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 3, 2017 Report Share Posted March 3, 2017 AB3, You haven't had much time yet to process this grief, you're still in the early days, that's why you feel like you're in a daze, the shock is still set in, everything seems surreal, like a bad dream you want to wake up from. It takes so much time and effort to make our way through this grief journey. I remember years ago when someone told me that, I felt angry, after all, I hadn't asked for this! We don't ask for it, but we get it anyway. And it's unfair. Nothing about loss is "fair". But keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll make it through this, one day at a time. Grief will continue to evolve, it won't be the same as it was on day one or even three months out. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted March 4, 2017 Report Share Posted March 4, 2017 14 hours ago, Marie Lee said: ...March 12 will be 9 months for me....I don't sleep as much, I am more cognitive, I think lol. I am still lonely..I still miss Kev, My heart is still shattered in pieces on the ground .... I plan things...clean house and try to watch tv..not much good on there anymore ..... How do I live without you?.. Plays in my mind over and over.... i have come to understand and accept that i am not living without Rose Anne.She is in my thoughts, heart and mind and will always be a part of me. I still miss her presence and the loneliness is a struggle. The online dating sites scare me. You will find hidden lessons you will learn through this tremendous grief that will help you and others in ways you may not understand right now. It takes times and grief work to learn, grow, share and love. - Shalom, George 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted March 5, 2017 Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 Thanks George..true, he is with me in my heart... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Herc Posted March 5, 2017 Report Share Posted March 5, 2017 AB3, I haven't spoken with you before. I always feel a particular pain when I see someone who lost a fiancée. You were planning to start a new phase of your life, and it was replaced by this ongoing pain we all know too well. Unfair doesn't begin to explain the tragedy you have suffered, and the words I am so sorry for your loss don't begin to help with the relentless inequities of life. The daze you describe makes perfect sense, and yet it is senseless. We all know the awful haze of getting through one moment at a time, almost as if we are watching another person go through the motions of what used to be our lives. And yet we are all good, strong, caring people who don't deserve this tortured existence. There is no reason for us to be suffering so, and yet here we are. I feel lost on a daily basis. And the only purpose I have found is to go on, and try to be as caring and compassionate as I can to honor my wife. It often doesn't feel like it will be enough, and at those moments I completely understand the despair of thinking this pain is all my life will be. Your description of being stuck in a bad job in order to pay the bills is perfect. Have patience though. Don't try to think of your whole life, that will work itself out. Just get through the rough moments one at a time, however you can. Eventually we will heal, or at least the pain will fade to the point we can function and feel something else. I know it feels like a lifetime of suffering already, but we will get there, one step at a time. Hoping you find some moments of comfort, Herc 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justyaaveraggurl Posted March 11, 2017 Report Share Posted March 11, 2017 @AB3 I agree that you should try to focus on getting through the rough periods one day at time. Your pain is too deep right now to look down the road as far how life will be for you. Right now it will be very difficult to see any good there. So just focus on one day at time. You are deeply in my thoughts. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 14, 2017 Report Share Posted March 14, 2017 Justyaaveraggurl, I see this is your first time here, welcome. When you are ready, maybe you can share your story here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now