Two years without my beloved Tammy

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

We all walk a different path, but in the beginning it was the same.  And, understanding it will never happen.  The old woman has possibly less time, the young woman has more time, but her grief will be longer, unless she learns to live without the most important person in her life.  She begrudges the old woman her milestones, the old woman might (and might not) begrudge the young woman her time.

Marg, you're absolutely correct. The path is certainly different for all of us on this journey.

On the other hand, the ultimate goal is likely the same for virtually all of us...

Trying to find some meaning and some happiness in this new and sometimes bleak world we're living in. 

You mentioned  that some may begrudge others who grieve for various reasons... young begrudging old, old begrudging young...

In my world, I don't begrudge anyone who is grieving a loss for any reason. My concern, my concentration and my efforts are all directed towards finding my own way. I think those that do begrudge others are spending valuable emotional resources that would be much better utitlized within. 

Mitch

[JHCP]

I want the love I had back too. I go on date after date after date. Usually they don't get a second date. On the rare occasion someone does, I will try to be interested in them, however usually they end up liking me way more than I like them. Probably because they are not even close to my Jack. I m ow all loves are different and you can't comapre. I try practicing that, but I know how perfect we were and I long for it. I'll end things with someone the second I don't feel 'it' with them. Whatever 'it' is. The few that have interested me enough or excited me have not gone well. One I dated for a few mo this. Always very passionate and fun exciting dates, even if we just stayed in. Then he broke it off. (A first for me btw). The other is new, and I am afraid to get too close so I am being guarded. I don't know how to act anymore with someone I like. I worry nobody will fulfill me like my jack did. Feeling frustrated! 

Oh and today is the two year mark of his passing. The last words he spoke to me were "babe I forgot a water would you mind getting me one?" As I went upstairs to fill his water on our way to our date I heard him collapse at the bottom of the stairs. He was unresponsive and that was it. Breathing slowed as I tried to do compressions while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. He was gone. His last words to me around 1:20pm play over in my head today. Two years ago at this very moment my life was full and happy and complete. We were joking about our date plans because it was a surprise date I was giving him. Meaning I pick an activity and just tell him to get ready. I give no details and I take him on a surprise date. This was just to our fav movie theater with reclining seats and food/beverage service for a matinee. (Figured he couldn't guess the activity if it was a matinee) we never made it out of the house that day though. ? Two years ago right at this moment I had no idea what was about to happen. I was so happy and filled with his love

[mittam99]

My heart goes out to you JHCP. I totally understand the overwhelming pain of a sudden death. My Tammy had just come home from a stay at a rehab place to regain her strength after another health scare. March 6th started with so much promise. We watched some TV together and had lunch. A few hours later Tammy had some breathing problems and she was gone an hour later. My life felt like it was gone too.

All we can do now is savor the joy and the love that we shared with our beloved. Use those good feelings to help us get through the trying times. 

Our lives will never be the same but there's no doubt your Jack and my Tammy would want us to find some happiness. They loved us so much. 

 

[Brad]

2 hours ago, JHCP said:

Two years ago at this very moment my life was full and happy and complete. We were joking about our date plans because it was a surprise date I was giving him. Meaning I pick an activity and just tell him to get ready. I give no details and I take him on a surprise date. This was just to our fav movie theater with reclining seats and food/beverage service for a matinee. (Figured he couldn't guess the activity if it was a matinee) we never made it out of the house that day though. ? Two years ago right at this moment I had no idea what was about to happen. I was so happy and filled with his love

2

JHCP -

Joan Didion, in her book: The Year of Magical Thinking", states: "

“Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

“It was, in fact, the ordinary nature of everything preceding the event that prevented me from truly believing it had happened, absorbing it, incorporating it, getting past it. I recognize now that there was nothing unusual in this: confronted with sudden disaster we all focus on how unremarkable the circumstances were in which the unthinkable occurred”

 

That is the nature of sudden death, I believe.  I don't know because what I experienced was not sudden.  For me, life changed slowly through disappointments and hopes, until what took seventeen months to culminate was over in a heartbeat - or lack thereof.

I am hoping that today, this evening, you can find some comfort or a little peace.

 

 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, mittam99 said:

In my world, I don't begrudge anyone who is grieving a loss for any reason. My concern, my concentration and my efforts are all directed towards finding my own way. I think those that do begrudge others are spending valuable emotional resources that would be much better utitlized within. 

Unless you are from some other world, we all live in the same one.  

[mittam99]

Marg, I have no clue what you're trying to tell me. I was simply saying that in my life I don't begrudge anyone.

I didn't know this forum was about semantics or a members way of writing their thoughts.

Wow.

[Gwenivere]

I took it to mean Marg felt to use energy begrudging others would be negative and wasteful.  To use that energy towards a way thru our own grief is wiser.  She can correct me if I am wrong.

[Brad]

18 hours ago, Marg M said:

Unless you are from some other world, we all live in the same one.  

 

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Marg, I have no clue what you're trying to tell me. I was simply saying that in my life I don't begrudge anyone.

I didn't know this forum was about semantics or a members way of writing their thoughts.

Wow.

 

I didn't see Marge's comment as a criticism; just a contribution.

[Margm]

I was using an anecdote from a book I read.  Two women in a group.  No one is wrong.  I was not begrudging anyone.  We don't do that in any of our lives.  We just trod along doing the best that we can. One thing is certain, we all have feelings and sometimes they might surface.  We all live in the same world and we don't compare grief in any form because we cannot walk in that person's shoes.  It is not a contest.  There is no finish line, until we reach it.  

[kayc]

On 3/16/2017 at 3:12 PM, mittam99 said:

My heart goes out to you JHCP. I totally understand the overwhelming pain of a sudden death. My Tammy had just come home from a stay at a rehab place to regain her strength after another health scare. March 6th started with so much promise. We watched some TV together and had lunch. A few hours later Tammy had some breathing problems and she was gone an hour later. My life felt like it was gone too.

All we can do now is savor the joy and the love that we shared with our beloved. Use those good feelings to help us get through the trying times. 

Our lives will never be the same but there's no doubt your Jack and my Tammy would want us to find some happiness. They loved us so much. 

Back to the topic at hand, I think Mitch says it all right here when he's talking to JHCP.  
I choose to remember George and the good we had together to help me through the times I'm going through in the here and now.

[scba]

Hello Mitch. It's been a while since we have heard from you here. Hope everything is Ok.

[mittam99]

Thanks for your concern Ana. That really means a lot to me.

I guess I'm "OK". Honestly though, I don't even know what the actual definition of "OK" is in this life after Tammy.

I'm here. I'm trying. But, that spark life once had is just gone.

[Widowedbysuicide]

I've been thinking about you as well.  I'm sorry that life is so unfair.

With our partners gone we are living a half life.  I feel that all the best parts are gone.  Doing ok for me means that I'm doing only what is necessary to keep waking up each empty morning.

Thank goodness for good memories.  Take care Mitch.

[mittam99]

I've just been so overwhelmed. Not just by the two year "anniversaries".  I quote that because in the past anniversaries were something you celebrated but that certainly is not the case anymore. I recently had two large tree removed from my front yard. It was a large expense and additionally my yard is now completely torn up. I've had an unnerving winter filled with little "guests" of the rodent variety. A stove had to be replaced. Fridge is probably next. And I had a roofer tell me that my 30 year old roof has to be replaced asap. 

These emotional and monetary stresses are at times, more than I can bear alone. I often find myself asking why? Why do I still try? Why do I even care? What's the point?

And then I hear Tammy whisper in my ear and remind me that I've never been a quitter. I think about the courage she showed every day of her life facing the kind of ordeals few have ever faced. I was married to an absolutely amazing, one of a kind woman. 

So, I'm going to live my life the best I can. Live my life as Tammy's man for always. Live my life hoping that Tammy somehow can revel in my triumphs and can comfort me in my failures. It will always be Mitch and Tammy. Tammy and Mitch. There's no other way for me. 

 

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry that you've been hit with so much all at once, Mitch. I wish that life could be easier for you ~ for all of us  ♥

[Gin]

Mitch,

Life without our loved ones is so very hard.  I have to get a tee removed in my front yard because of tree roots causing flooding.  Have it all set up but I wasn't fast enough.  Today I will try again to do some cleanuin the basement.  Was hoping I would get help, but that does not look likely.  This morning I had a sinking feeling.  I reached over to make sure Al was ok.  No one there.  That sinking feeling sank so much lower.  I will never get used to it!  My mouth still hurts, but it is NOTHING compared to the hurt of his leaving.  Hang in here, Mitch.  

[kayc]

I'm sorry too Mitch.

[iPraiseHim]

20 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I've just been so overwhelmed. Not just by the two year "anniversaries".  I quote that because in the past anniversaries were something you celebrated but that certainly is not the case anymore. I recently had two large tree removed from my front yard. It was a large expense and additionally my yard is now completely torn up. I've had an unnerving winter filled with little "guests" of the rodent variety. A stove had to be replaced. Fridge is probably next. And I had a roofer tell me that my 30 year old roof has to be replaced asap. 

These emotional and monetary stresses are at times, more than I can bear alone. I often find myself asking why? Why do I still try? Why do I even care? What's the point?

And then I hear Tammy whisper in my ear and remind me that I've never been a quitter. I think about the courage she showed every day of her life facing the kind of ordeals few have ever faced. I was married to an absolutely amazing, one of a kind woman. 

So, I'm going to live my life the best I can. Live my life as Tammy's man for always. Live my life hoping that Tammy somehow can revel in my triumphs and can comfort me in my failures. It will always be Mitch and Tammy. Tammy and Mitch. There's no other way for me. 

 

 

Mitch,

I know you don't need anyone to commiserate with you but I experience those same feelings at times.

I went outside to survey my home today after the storm yesterday and saw a large hole in the soffit and fascia on back corner of the roof.  Apparently the squirrels have been having a field day on my home. 

My income has dropped 25 % again and I'm scrambling for more work as my body gets more sore and stiff.  The mind is able but the body is weak.

My hope of learning to fly has been dampened by the loss of income. It is such a "shoot for the stars" type of dream that I'm just not seeing.  I couldn't afford to fly after I got my license on my present income. Discouraged would be a polite term. 

This level of grief after two years has become more internalized. The reality is setting in and my heart mourns deeper in missing my beloved Rose Anne.  It is just tough. we are both the same age and sometimes I just get tired of pushing and pursuing.  It's okay to rest for a little while.  

You are right both of us are encouraged by our wives unconditional love for us and belief in us.  It helps me to remember in these trying times.   My thoughts and prayers continue for you, Mitch, as we travel this road, separate, yet together. - Shalom 

[kayc]

George,

I'm sorry to hear about the damage to your home.  Squirrels can be quite troublesome!  If you have to wait for someone to come fix the hole, can you put a screen up there so they can't get in?  I hope you get more business...keep dreaming your dreams, this is a setback but doesn't necessarily mean it's permanent.

Mitch,

I too am praying for you.  (((hugs)))

[mittam99]

Just had a major meltdown. Maybe because it's Easter, I'm not 100%  sure. I just know that this life without Tammy is virtually impossible to bear.

It's not just the loneliness. Or the emptiness. Or the drudgery of one day of sameness followed by another day that feels just as meaningless as the day before. I mean, I could be surrounded by people 24/7, have millions of dollars. but, that wouldn't do a thing for me. The only thing I've ever wanted was Tammy. I was  "incomplete" before I met her and she made me whole. Made me feel like each day was worth living. She gave me purpose, gave me love. She made me feel like I belonged...

And where I belong is with my Tammy. Without her, I'm hopelessly lost, wandering aimlessly through life and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do. There are days I feel clueless. I often don't even know what I want to eat. I live this life knowing that the person that made my life worth living is gone. Yes, Tammy's with me for always in my heart and soul but I need her here to love on and to laugh with and to share our life together again.

Recently I've had a ton of things that have stressed me out, financially and emotionally. Had to remove all the trees and shrubs in my front yard which is now 50% grass and 50% dirt. Had to pay for a new roof. Dealt with a rodent infestation. It's just too much, it's overwhelming and alone it's almost too much to handle.

Yesterday I took on another project... fixing all the window screens at my house. Figured I could save some money. And for the most part it went well but there was a few moments of cussing when something went wrong. I just needed Tammy there to talk to. To vent to. My tolerance for frustration seems to be at an all time low. When I went to remove the two kitchen window screens and realized a handyman (who did some work for me a while back) had caulked and sealed them to the window sill, I exploded. Why would someone do that? Arrgggg...

I am trying. I'm not just laying around 24/7 and crying (although I have my moments, for sure). It's just that I keep thinking "why am I doing all this?".

A few days ago, in frustration, I yelled out "OK, I give up"... "you win". The ""you" being God I guess or just this new life in general. This life feels so confusing at times. I feel like that hamster on that spinning wheel. I do accomplish things yet it mostly feels like I've really done nothing.

I miss my sweet Tammy and the life we shared. I know the hurt of losing her will never fade. Hopefully, I can find a way to motivate myself and continue to make her proud of me. It is so hard.

Mitch

 

[scba]

Mitch. I'm so sorry. I had a meltdown a big one yesterday evening. I had a crisis and I yelled "please take me where you are!" 

I wish I could give you some advise, but we are navigating the same stormy waters and I don't know where this ship grief is going. My hope is that, as there were regular-normal-better days before, they will be back.

So far, my life feels with no purpose but to make time pass the "best" way under the circumstances and not to worry my family. It feels like I am fooling myself everyday.

 

 

[Gin]

Mitch,

Such a hard road we are on.  I had several meltdowns today.  Just found out that a good friend of ours died the other day.  He wrote a letter to a few of us saying goodbye.  Had his wife send the email after he died.  It was written by him saying how much he appreciated our friendship.  Ended with "goodbye good friend".  That did it.  Tears all day...for my beloved Al and for my friend. 

I do not know how to weather these storms.  I try to be positive, but it doesn't seem to be working.  You want Tmmy, I want Al.  We can't have them.

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Just had a major meltdown. Maybe because it's Easter, I'm not 100%  sure. I just know that this life without Tammy is virtually impossible to bear.

It's not just the loneliness. Or the emptiness. Or the drudgery of one day of sameness followed by another day that feels just as meaningless as the day before. I mean, I could be surrounded by people 24/7, have millions of dollars. but, that wouldn't do a thing for me. The only thing I've ever wanted was Tammy. I was  "incomplete" before I met her and she made me whole. Made me feel like each day was worth living. She gave me purpose, gave me love. She made me feel like I belonged...

And where I belong is with my Tammy. Without her, I'm hopelessly lost, wandering aimlessly through life and wondering what the hell I'm supposed to do. There are days I feel clueless. I often don't even know what I want to eat. I live this life knowing that the person that made my life worth living is gone. Yes, Tammy's with me for always in my heart and soul but I need her here to love on and to laugh with and to share our life together again....

A few days ago, in frustration, I yelled out "OK, I give up"... "you win". The ""you" being God I guess or just this new life in general. This life feels so confusing at times. I feel like that hamster on that spinning wheel. I do accomplish things yet it mostly feels like I've really done nothing.

I miss my sweet Tammy and the life we shared. I know the hurt of losing her will never fade. Hopefully, I can find a way to motivate myself and continue to make her proud of me. It is so hard.

Mitch

 

Mitch,

This last month has been close to the same feelings even with a good relationship with God.  I don't have answers either.  The level and depth of this grief is much deeper and more introspect than before. I was extremely lonely for a long period of time in my single life before Rose Anne.  Meeting, dating, loving and marrying Rose Anne is the best part and period in my life thus far.  Apparently it is still difficult for my heart to accept that I will never see her again and experience our love together.  She was my rudder.... 

My prayers are simple., "Lord, help me, guide me, direct me and propel me in the direction you know is the best for me."  Feelings are not facts but they sure do hurt! 

I commend you, Mitch, that you have energy and motivation to get repairs done in your home.  I haven't had the energy.  My income has declined again along with my fleeting hope of learning to fly. .... Yes, these are some bleak days.  I pray we both will be blessed to have a better day tomorrow. - Shalom

[kayc]

Oh Mitch,

I feel it.  I'm going through the rodent thing with my car.  They ate through the upholstery and plastic on my console and then started on my back seat.  I've been frantically trying to get rid of them, buying anything I could to do the trick, to no avail.  Finally I got one.  I don't know if there's more, we'll see.  I pray they don't get under the hood as I have no other transportation.  Sometimes life is just too much.  I don't know why a workman would seal a screen to the windowsill.  Why would my contractor put up a roof so badly that it leaks everywhere and then disappear on me?!  Now I have to go through it all over again at twice the expense because the wooden wigglemold was thrown away when I gave instructions for it to be kept on.  I don't know, life is a challenge at times, too much of the time, it's wearying.

I found out yesterday that my son-in-law left my daughter.  How does your heart not break and you not worry when your kid's heart is broken and her life is dashed before her eyes!  They've been together for many years and she didn't see this coming...she's the one who recently lost her baby.

It is hard to traverse this life on our own without George and Tammy and Rose Anne beside us.  I have to believe they're there and somehow keeping us going until we can be together again.

George, I'm sorry your income has taken a dive.  Try to keep your hope alive even if you don't see the way possible at this moment.  Hang on by the skin of your teeth...we all are.

[brat#2]

Mitch

I know exactly how you are feeling.  I've been going through some major expensive things around the house and trying to make a major decision, so I get where you are coming from when you have to do this alone.  Of course, if Dale were here, I wouldn't be having to make these decisions and he would have handled the things around the house.  Hugs to you Mitch.

Joyce