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Two years without my beloved Tammy


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I'm so sorry that each of you is faced with so many of life's challenges, especially when the loss of your life partners is more than enough to bear. And Kay, I just have to add that my heart hurts for you as I learned of your daughter's situation. My younger son and his wife divorced some years ago, after 14 years of marriage, just after having adopted their precious twins from Ukraine. I was absolutely heartbroken ~ especially since his wife was (for me) the daughter I never had, and I loved her with all my heart. We all got through it in time, but it was so very painful for all of us, for so many years afterward. It's yet another kind of devastating loss, Kay, not only for your daughter, but as her mom, I know it breaks your heart to see your daughter in such pain ~ especially having just lost her baby / your precious grandchild. I'm so sorry :(

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KayC

Packrats ate thru our cars electrical wiring ($1,000). We found "rid a rat" seemed to stop the problem as the car had been parked outside for over a year. The rid a rat thing attaches to your car's battery doesn't drain battery or anything but then I dont know a lot about it as hubby placed it there. Auto mechanic who replaced wiring harness has had good luck with them here. Dont know if that Might help your problem or not. They cost $40-50.00. And you can get them on Amazon or a lot of other places.

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KayC

so sorry about the many losses in your family. Our daughter in law just lost a pregnancy...a pseudo pregnancy so to speak where the tests are all positive but there is no fetus in the egg. They wanted her to wait to miscarry spontaneously but after two weeks of waiting she could t take it anymore and they induced. Here, poor gal, she had to live thru those additional two weeks knowing there was no baby in the ovum.  Guess, according to her OB this isnt that unusual but just that most people spontaneously miscarry before they really knew. Since they wanted a baby she was doing pregnancy tests early...and even showed on her facebook four positive tests. My son was devastated too. Unfortunately they are both doing physician assistant fellowships at the hospital (him in ED hers in Ortho) so they havnt had a lot of time to grieve together making it all the harder. He, particularly is reeling after his dad's death and this positive pregnancy seemed like maybe 2017 would be a better year. I feel your devastation. Hugs to you and your daughter and nothing to your son in law!

 

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Thank you, both of you.  My heart is breaking for both my daughter and my son-in-law.  He was a son to me, for many years, I knew him even before my daughter did.  Apparently he's drinking heavily and I think that has shut off his conscience and dulled his heart.  I can only pray for him.  Unless and until he deals with that issue, their marriage cannot be recovered.  I pray for strength and encouragement, comfort and solutions for my daughter.  My heart breaks for her because I've been in her shoes only I was financially able to take care of myself whereas she has been partially dependent on him.

I haven't seen any evidence of mice getting under the hood and I did catch one and nothing has appeared in the other trap and I haven't seen further evidence since.  It's amazing to me how much one little creature can do!  I will probably have to live with the console as is as they're very expensive to fix.  I know my son could probably get one at a wrecking yard and put it in but I'm not even going to suggest it, he has too much on his plate right now with his family.  I haven't heard of rid a rat but I'll keep that in mind if I see more evidence of one.  I have traps set outside as well in the storage next to the carport as I saw evidence in there as well.  So far no catch, but it could be the same mouse going back and forth.

Mitch, I didn't mean to derail your thread, I'm sorry.  I know that all of life's "stuff" IS relevant to our grief as was said earlier, they used to deal with this stuff, or even if we did, we could unload and talk over our day with them and once that's gone it leaves us feeling so on our own, so alone.  George was good at seeking out solutions and people he could learn from, I miss that.

I appreciate your tribute to Tammy, your love is very evident and I'm glad you got to have her in your life.  I love the stories we've shared about times we've had with them, such wonderful memories.

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

Mitch, I didn't mean to derail your thread, I'm sorry.  I know that all of life's "stuff" IS relevant to our grief as was said earlier, they used to deal with this stuff, or even if we did, we could unload and talk over our day with them and once that's gone it leaves us feeling so on our own, so alone.  George was good at seeking out solutions and people he could learn from, I miss that.

I appreciate your tribute to Tammy, your love is very evident and I'm glad you got to have her in your life.  I love the stories we've shared about times we've had with them, such wonderful memories.

I totally understand Kay, you didn't derail a thing by the way

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to accomplish much at my house. It's overwhelming at times. And not having Tammy here is so tough. When I triumph, there's no one to tell me "good job". And when something goes awry, there's no one here to soothe the frustration and disappointment. It's basically just the three of us... I'm sure you're familiar with them... me, myself and I.  It's so very lonely and so lacking in love.

It's a life that has so little meaning and is pretty much devoid of direction. Sure I accomplish things, but ultimately, there's very little satisfaction in it.

Going from the blessing of having the best wife in the whole world to the devastation of losing her will always hurt so bad. Will always make this new life feel so unfulfilling in so many ways. Yet somehow, I'm still standing and still trying to make Tammy proud.

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13 hours ago, mittam99 said:

When I triumph, there's no one to tell me "good job". And when something goes awry, there's no one here to soothe the frustration and disappointment.

I was just thinking about that last night.  No one to notice the things we do and appreciate it.  No one to brainstorm with or even vent frustrations with.

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Mitch, I just a couple of days ago returned to the group after having to be away from it for a couple of months. I've just now read this post of yours about your 2 year "anniversary" of losing your Tammy. I know it's a milestone you could've done without! Since stumbling upon the group around Christmas time of last year, I enjoyed reading your strories about your courtship (i know, i'm dating myself by using that word!) with Tammy. It's a beautiful story. I'm sure your Tammy is proud of you for the progress you've made while you've had to navigate along your grief journey.  Be well, my friend.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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On 18/04/2017 at 6:05 PM, mittam99 said:

 

Over the past few weeks I've been trying to accomplish much at my house. It's overwhelming at times. And not having Tammy here is so tough. When I triumph, there's no one to tell me "good job". And when something goes awry, there's no one here to soothe the frustration and disappointment. It's basically just the three of us... I'm sure you're familiar with them... me, myself and I.  It's so very lonely and so lacking in love.

It's a life that has so little meaning and is pretty much devoid of direction. Sure I accomplish things, but ultimately, there's very little satisfaction in it.

Going from the blessing of having the best wife in the whole world to the devastation of losing her will always hurt so bad. Will always make this new life feel so unfulfilling in so many ways. Yet somehow, I'm still standing and still trying to make Tammy proud.

I have no doubt about you making Tammy proud.  You are doing everything you can to continue on this journey in a mindful way.  The love and your pride in having the perfect bride is very obvious in your writing.  I wish Tammy could tell you how proud she is of you and all of your accomplishments.  

You have been a strong support here for so many of us.  I thank you and I wish I had the strength to be a supportive person on here like you have been.  Thanks so very much Mitch.

For myself I too am feeling what you have described in the above post.  I have felt it before but today I just can't seem to shake it.  Today I took an Ativan to try to numb the hurt but it isn't working.  I've spent so much time and effort trying to move through the grief and I'm tired.  I know that I can't quit but I really want to.  Feeling like there is no one who cares about what I do or don't do is slamming me into the dirt.  I'm at 15 months and I'm so full of despair.  I want to help myself but I know that I can't do 'this time' alone.  I'm afraid to look for help because I don't think there is anyone who gives a damn.

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1 hour ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Feeling like there is no one who cares about what I do or don't do is slamming me into the dirt.  I'm at 15 months and I'm so full of despair.  I want to help myself but I know that I can't do 'this time' alone.  I'm afraid to look for help because I don't think there is anyone who gives a damn.

I feel this is one of the many hard parts of this, Marita.  Losing that feeling someone cares.  I see counselors and they care, but I am paying them.  Otherwise, they wouldn't know I exist.  Many have echoed this feeling.  It's hard that there is no one who would be worried if we were late, greet us when we come home, want to know about our day and us wanting to know about theirs, someone we can ask to do something we normally do because we are tired.  I know people that care about me, but I am not a central point to thier universe that we had with our partners.  I seriously doubt they are thinking about me when they are interacting with thier families.  We might come up in conversation, but that's about it.  It's terribly hard to be alone now when we had those families, even if it was one if just was the 2 of us.  I can't count how many times a day I think of something I want to talk to him.  Plus missing meals and relaxing together.  

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On 4/24/2017 at 0:28 PM, olemisfit said:

Since stumbling upon the group around Christmas time of last year, I enjoyed reading your strories about your courtship (i know, i'm dating myself by using that word!) with Tammy. It's a beautiful story. I'm sure your Tammy is proud of you for the progress you've made while you've had to navigate along your grief journey. 

Thanks for the kind words Darrel. I waited my whole life for Tammy. When she came into my life, I think I finally began to live. I had always been someone who didn't let people get too close. Yet with Tammy, opening up to her, heart and soul, was easy. Being intimate with her felt right from day one. She saw all the good in me and made me feel like I was special. 

It's no exaggeration to say that we were made for each other. Two peas in a pod. When I lost her on that etched in my brain, traumatic Friday, our love story didn't end. I will love Tammy til the end of time and I know her unending love for me is what keeps me going.

19 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

You have been a strong support here for so many of us.  I thank you and I wish I had the strength to be a supportive person on here like you have been.  Thanks so very much Mitch........

I want to help myself but I know that I can't do 'this time' alone.  I'm afraid to look for help because I don't think there is anyone who gives a damn.

Marita,

Thank you for that. I don't have much in my life that fills me with joy but hearing that I've helped some here who are in such terrible pain does my heart good. 

All us grievers are in this together. The "outside world" doesn't understand. It's not that they don't care, it's more a matter of not being able to comprehend the enormity of our loss and how it affects our every moment on earth.

------------------------

I know how hard it is to live this life alone. How dreadful it is to even think of the future. The pain, the despair, the longing for our old life and the love we shared. The feeling that you have nothing positive in this life.

And yet, we have to try to find a way. We have to live on to let our beloved live on. Often, I find myself reacting to something the way that Tammy would. That always surprises me and puts a bit of a smile on my face. I often think "what would Tammy do in a given situation?". No she's not here physically, but she's with me emotionally 24/7.

We're not the same person we were before we shared a life with our soul mate. In so many ways, they do live on, in our heart and through our eyes.

Btw, many of us here do care about you Marita. Care very much. Hugs.

Mitch

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Mitch, your thoughts and words are so eloquent. I always find myself feeling just a bit more tranquil after reading anything with your fingerprint on it.

I don't mean this to diminish your feelings about your Tammy, but i too always felt like it was charted out somewhere up above that my Cookie and I would cross paths at the certain time when we were both ready for it. The only other love I had ever experienced was my high school sweetheart. After getting a "dear john" letter from her while I was in southeast asia during the vietnam war, I swore that i would never expose myself to that kind of pain again. I was i think 20 yrs. old then. I kept true to that until that fateful day when i laid eyes on my wife. She was the front desk mgr at a motel i was applying for a job at. When i saw her about 1/2 way across the motel's lobby it literally was love at first sight. Her gorgeous eyes were the first thing to captivate me. They just swallowed me up. She had the most beautiful sparkle in her eyes when she was happy. Her eyes could light up a dark room. It broke my heart when that sparkle went away when she began to get so sickly. I spent 2 thirds of my life married to that delightful gal. Of course, we are still together. But somehow this way just isn't quite the same thing. I'm sure i don't need to explain what that means to anyone. Every day i try to find something to smile about. I know she wants me to be happy. It sure isn't always easy. 

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

 

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I simply don't know how to find meaning in this new life. I do things, sure, but... it all leaves me feeling so empty. How do we find a true sense of satisfaction or real purpose? I've been accomplishing quite a bit around the house and yet there's no gleam in my eye or feeling of pride. Once a project is done, I simply try to move on to the next item on my to-do list.

Nothing gives me any real happiness or if I feel something resembling happiness, the feeling is fleeting. It seems real happiness for me was tied in with having Tammy by my side. Without her, everything is just going through the motions. 

To go from having the perfect person in your life and a life filled with love to a world devoid of love and filled with loneliness sometimes feels like "serving time". It's me and four walls in that prison of overwhelming, life changing grief.

And yet, every day, I get up and try. Try to live my life to the best of my ability. Try to see the bright side of things and to accomplish some goals. So in that sense, I'm a strong person I guess. Some will say I deserve a pat on the back to even be functioning at the level I am. But, it's little consolation. There's only one thing I want and that's to be able to turn back time and have my Tammy back. 

It's so hard to get past the meaninglessness of this new life. 

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Mitch,

I know exactly what you mean and feel the same.  Nothing seems important anymore.  Nothing brings satisfaction or  joy.  As you with Tammy, I feel my whole life was tied to Al.  I had lunch with my niece today and she said that I was her inspiration!!  Me??  How could she say that.  I do nothing of any importance anymore.  Maybe because I am still breathing.  I do not know how to change things.  I really try, but am not very successful.  Exercise, bookclub.  That's about it.  For sure, Mitch, this is not really living.  Maybe someday for all of us.

Gin

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3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Nothing gives me any real happiness or if I feel something resembling happiness, the feeling is fleeting. It seems real happiness for me was tied in with having Tammy by my side. Without her, everything is just going through the motions

It's so hard to get past the meaninglessness of this new life. 

I so understand these feelings.  I get these flashes of accomplishment and they vanish almost immediately.  Whether I was doing something for myself or us, I can't say.....hey, Steve....look!  Nothing new is happening that he did either.  I do the best I can on stuff he mastered easily, mostly technical stuff.  I've had to learn things I never wanted to or I would be cut off.  I preferred giving him a hug than the headaches I get now dealing with it.  Like you I just move to the next item on the list and that list is now things I create to keep me busy, not necessarily must do things.

Im trying to give up the search for meaning.  It will either come or it won't.  All I ever found searching was nothing.  Became too frustrating.  I want meaning but sometimes there just isn't any to be found.  If I hear I was left here for a purpose one more time I'll scream.  I was left here because his body failed, no higher meaning.  It was nature doing its ugly thing.  Sometimes you get the pretty flowers and sometimes you get this and it doesn't consult us.  All I know is we all have to face death eventually.  This was just way too soon in our plans.  

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It takes so much time and effort and even then, it will never again be like it was.  The sense of fulfillment is gone.  Your life is pretty much about work and home repairs right now.  It's important to build something else into our lives, getting out around others, something enjoyable, some sense of purpose.  It took me YEARS and what works for some will be different for others, we all have to find what works for us.  I have my church, the senior site, some friends, although not nearly enough, as well as keeping busy at home.  My schedule has things built into it to occupy my time but that alone is not enough.  Mere busy-ness alone doesn't do it.  I actually look forward to going to the senior site, I enjoy being around these people.  I feel some sense of purpose in coming here and the other grief site and responding to those who are hurting...I may not have all the answers but for those I do help, I am glad.  Even the Grief Support Group I'm leading has purpose and to those people it means much right now.  It might all change tomorrow, I realize that, nothing seems to stay the same, but I pretty much live in today.  Today I go to the church and work in the office all day doing the books, it may not be the most enjoyable thing in the world but it needs done and no one else to do it, so I help them out in that way.  Tomorrow I look forward to the senior site.

I read Gwen's post and smile...see, we're all different. :) You have to find what works for you.

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What is life if it's a life that feels meaningless? A life that feels like you have absolutely nothing to look forward to? Happiness that only exists in the past. Happiness that's tied to the person you loved more than anything but that person no longer exists in your everyday world. It's a world of endless drudgery and sameness. We're living but in reality are we the walking dead?

We all try our best. We all hope that, someday, the feeling of hopelessness will subside and be replaced with some true hope that things will indeed get better.

I do function better than I did two years ago. It's a matter of sort of "getting used to" the rhythm of grief. We get used to the grief waves that sometimes knock us on our ass. The lamenting, the pain, the angst. The longing for the past. We're "living" but it's not much of a life. We adapt to an extent. But, it's impossible to overcome the overwhelming feeling that the best part of our life is behind us and our future looks rather dismal.

I don't mean to sound negative here especially to those newly grieving. This is just a very difficult process. We lose the person that made our world special and in an instant we're transformed into an emotional wreck. Early on we question if it's even worth trying to go on. Yet, we do try. We do attempt to make this life somehow livable.

I'm nearly 26 months without my sweet Tammy and yet virtually every thought in my head somehow still relates to her. She was my everything. My one and only. She made me feel like I mattered. Made me feel like I was something special. I miss her smile, her laugh, her soft skin, her hugs and kisses... Why wasn't she ever blessed with good health? Why did she have to endure so much physical pain and life and death medical trauma? Why did she have to die so incredibly young? In 2015 people aren't supposed to die at 45 years old.

It's such a hard life without her. But somehow, some way, I still try to find the positive in things. Try to laugh and make others smile. I don't know what this life ahead will bring, but you can be assured Tammy will always reside in my heart and will always be the best part of me.

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Mitch, your description of life as it is perfectly describes my thoughts and feelings.  I read your posts and they humanize me.  In most places I feel like a robot just going through the motions, no emotion, no feeling, just doing.  Fortunately, I come here and you give me the mental hug that I so desperately need.  I really don't have the mental ability to verbalize how much I value your posts as I'm so far removed from the life that I had that putting my thoughts into words is an impossible task.  

Thank you for sharing your journey.  I'm sad that you are suffering so deeply. 

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Yes, Mitch, I have a hard time putting into words what I'm feeling and you usually say it and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only one.  I too hope that someday for all us it will get a little more bearable.  Hugs

Joyce

 

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I lived most of my life alone in a bubble, and I did okay.  I  was aware that others had more, they had love of a spouse, and although I was married most of that time, I did not have love, I had aloneness, he wasn't interested in doing things with me.  Even if we went camping, he was off with the guys and I was left alone to fend for myself.  I didn't know anything else.

But with George it was different, we were always together.  He WANTED to be with me whenever he wasn't working, we spent all our time together.  We snuggled, we held hands, we went on walks and drives, we visited friends, we had a LIFE together.  And now I know what it is to love and be loved.  And now he's gone and I'm left on my own again, in my aloneness, only this time it's different.  This time I KNOW what I am missing, and that makes all the difference in the world.  Yes, Mitch, it's hard to go on without them, so very very hard, because we've tasted what is good and the absence of them in our lives, here with us now, that is very very hard.  I have my memories, I live with the hope that we'll be together again, I know he loves me still and he still exists, although I can't see him right now, but all that has to suffice for now, for it's all I have.

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File this post under the category "life goes on", I guess.

A few months before Tammy died, we were thinking about trading in our car for a new one. And for most of the past two years I've been struggling with whether or not to replace the car. Our car was running great and it looked great but sometimes you just need a change. The sticking point for me emotionally was that this was a car Tammy and I shared. Many times, just when I thought I was ready to buy a new car, I backed off because I simply wasn't ready.

Well, Saturday I finally did it. I cried quite a bit Friday night but by Saturday afternoon I was driving home in a new car. The new Honda is awesome, no doubt, but my excitement for anything in life is always tempered by the fact that Tammy isn't here to enjoy it with me. Symbolically, there is one part of the new car that was part of the old car... the license plates. The dealer suggested new car = new plates. But, I had to keep the old ones. It's a small thing but it comforts me just a bit knowing they're there.

Tammy loved being in the car with me (and vice-versa) and I hope she's still there in the passenger seat enjoying the ride. I love her forever and always.

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Mitch, I could not pull the RV, period, just not at all.  My son could not pull the RV with his small Ranger truck.  I cried the whole time I cleaned out the big black truck.  The whole time.  My son has the truck.  He pulls the RV.  I kept backing into poles with the long bed Ranger so I bought a tucked in tail clown car called a Toyota Yaris.  He is my Ferris Yaris.  My granddaughter named "him" after Ferris Beuller (sp?) from the movie.  I have not backed into anything yet, and I get to see Billy's Toyota all the time.  Wish I could see Billy.

Congratulations on the new vehicle.

 In the parking lot of Walmart a man started asking me questions about my car.  I understood wanting to know how many mpg the car got, but then it got personal.  I hurried into my little car and like a silver streak I was gone only to see him following me not far behind.  Honestly, Ferris Yaris is such an unnoticeable little clown car that no police thinks it worthy to be seen stopping such a little car.  Anyhow, I was able to turn off the back road in front of a line of cars and he never could see where I turned.  Slightly unnerved me, but I have not really been afraid except in the big house Billy left me in.  I was very afraid, and never understood that.

I wish you many happy miles of safe driving.

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I've had people ask me why I keep Steve's van.  It costs to insure and get registration.  I do like having a back up car tho, even if I rarely use it.  Anyway, because they don't understand grief, they can't understand my saying...if I can't take his placemat off the kitchen table, how would I react to a whole car being gone?  I needed some paper towels last night and grabbed a roll from Steve's bathroom only to put them back.  Got some out of the garage stash instead.  Every little change just rips me apart.  

I would not be able to do what you did, Mitch.  That took a lot of strength.  I've had to replace things because they broke, but I have no interest in upgrading others without Steve.  Not sharing with him is my biggest struggle.  I'm glad it works for you that you can envision Tammys enjoyment of the change.  Great idea keeping the plates.  Somethat was both yours and hers.

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File this one under "call me crazy"...

For most of my "driving career", I've driven stick shifts. It just feels like you're more in control and generally they're just more fun to drive. Tammy didn't know how to drive a manual and honestly had no desire to learn. So, we were a two car family. She had her automatic sedan and I had my manual hatchback. Sadly, when Tammy lost her job due to illness, it became tougher and tougher to maintain two cars. And then it 2010, I was in an accident and my car was totaled. We took the money from insurance and traded in her car towards a car with an automatic that we both shared. That was the car I traded in Saturday.

And now the "crazy" part. I could have saved money getting a new car with a manual and I know it would have been more fun to drive, but...

I had to pay homage to Tammy. I know she would be smiling that the new car has an automatic transmission. I just wish she was here and I could still hold her hand while I drive like I always did. 

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Mitch,

Congrats on the new car!  I've been told the automatic transmissions are better than they used to be, you'll avoid having to replace a clutch someday, and besides, this car will likely take you into retirement...someday if you injure a leg or arm (I've done both) you'll be glad to have an automatic.  I have always had stick shift cars and if I ever get another one, will probably make the switch.  They are phasing out the stick shifts anyway.

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