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Invitation to Participate in Research Study


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I took the survey and Erin was everything all of you said.  Strange, I couldn't cry even though I could feel the tears right there in a knot.  I think I've trained myself to give people what I think they want.  Not that she made me feel that way; just conditioning I've been going through all these months.  So, now I feel pretty sad and deflated.  One thing that came from it, though, was the final realization that this is way bigger than I realized.  No fix; no getting over it any time soon.  This journey to future contentment may take longer than I thought.  She said that her grandmother lost her grandfather and never got over it; that is what interested her in doing this study.  I think it was very worthwhile and I'm glad she's doing the work; somebody needs to.  Good wishes to you all....Cookie

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1 minute ago, Cookie said:

I think it was very worthwhile and I'm glad she's doing the work; somebody needs to.

I agree, Cookie. The best way we can learn more about grief is for the bereaved themselves to teach us, and your willingness to participate in research studies like this one is valued and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your experience with us  

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2 minutes ago, Cookie said:

 

Now I'm worried because I couldn't cry during the interview...

 

It seems to me that it's normal to try to exert as much control over our emotions as we can when we're talking with someone we've only just met. Would you say that this behavior (not being able to cry during the interview) was unusual for you, or more typical of you? I'm not sure to what extent you are feeling troubled by this, Cookie.

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1 minute ago, MartyT said:

It seems to me that it's normal to try to exert as much control over our emotions as we can when we're talking with someone we've only just met. Would you say that this behavior (not being able to cry during the interview) was unusual for you, or more typical of you? I'm not sure to what extent you are feeling troubled by this, Cookie.

I think it's become pretty typical of me these last months.  I feel like crying a lot but always hold it in and when I don't feel bad about myself.  I have gotten a lot of feedback that it makes people around me uncomfortable, though.  And, others always say things like, you must go on (as if crying meant I wasn't), or maybe you need antidepressants (making me feel like there is some amiss if I cry).  Anyway, I used to cry quite freely when my husband was alive, but now it seems like I'm trying to measure up to some strength standard or something....I don't really know. 

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Dear Cookie,

I found myself getting emotional during the interview; probably because I haven't told the story for so long.  But like you, I have gotten conditioned to no longer show all my emotions at work or around people I don't see too often (Mark's family).  It doesn't mean that I don't miss Mark or that I have stopped grieving.  There are plenty of triggers that poke at the hurt.  The other day, a thought entered my head that I wanted a picture of Mark and I holding hands; never had an official wedding shot of our hands and rings.  Well, I found one shot of us saying our vows and I zeroed in on our hands, cropped it and enlarged it to print.  Before I knew it, I was sobbing....something I haven't done in a while.  That's not to say that tears do not flow regularly.  Don't put so much pressure on yourself, okay?  Coming from someone who is SO VERY hard on themselves, you are where you are supposed to be.

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Thanks Froggie4635:  I think you hit it right on the head...way too hard on myself.  I know exactly what you are saying when you say triggers that poke at the hurt.  I have been divesting myself of my husband's tools (he was a carpenter, etc. in his spare time) and boy does that poke at the hurt.  It feels like someone is pulling my skin off again.  I have cried but the crying doesn't seem to take the hurt away.  Guess you just have to tough through this stuff.  It's excruciating.  I know some who get comfort from pictures, and although I like to have them to get to see him, they are so inanimate that it also hurts too, so I get your sorrow over the pictures you had enlarged.  I wish you peace and offer support in just sending caring thoughts your way.  Thanks again, Cookie

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I have signed up too for next week. The last time I told someone about my loss story was Jan 2016 when I told a co worker that I was a widow. Her reaction was strange, and later I knew that she spreaded the news everywhere in the office. I never talked about it again to new people in my life. I'm in a different job now, but my colleagues don't know of it and have absolutely no idea. They may think I'm a spinster cause I never talk about going out, meeting guys and what 30ers do. I will keep it this way as long as I can. Most of my cowokers are women, and many of them do gossip. My love story will not be subject of gossip.

 

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Scba, where I work the HR department puts out company-wide notices when someone there suffers a loss, be it direct family or as distant as grandmother-in-law. I told my supervisor and her boss about my loss, but told them absolutely not to broadcast it through HR. Grief needs to be shared when we can, but on our terms. Even at that, people I don't really know have approached me. I just say we'll talk another time. And then simply don't.  My love story also will not be the subject of gossip, I am with you all the way.

I may sign up for the interview, if they do relax the age range. I am 66.

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So I did the interview last night.  Erin was very compassionate.  I didn't cry, but felt very odd.  I had moments where I thought or felt that I wasn't communicating clearly.  While none of the subjects we talked about made me "uncomfortable" I couldn't seem to express what I was truly feeling, and stumbled over a lot of my answers.  I alternated between very short answers, and rambling explanations that didn't really have much substance to them.

Overall it was a good experience, and I requested a copy of the transcript, which will be interesting to read when my head is a bit clearer to see if I really did struggle as much as I felt with my answers.  There were some very deep emotional issues brought up, and in many ways it put me in the same mindset of the shock of the first few weeks.  Moments from that time were revisited, but more than that the way I was perceiving my reactions reminded me of that kind of "out of body" feeling I had in the early days.

I hope Erin got something of value out of it.  She was nice, and seemed to care deeply about the subject.  Thanks for passing along the opportunity Marty,

Herc

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts about your experience in participating in this study, Herc. I think this is helpful to others who may be considering whether or not they wish to be interviewed. Like everything else in grief, everyone's responses are different, and how such an interview affects each person will vary also ~ but that is precisely what makes such a study so valuable. Differences matter, and we need to learn about grief from the perspective of the very people who are experiencing it.

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This just in from Erin:

Hi Marty,
 
Thank you again for your help with posting information about my interviews on your discussion groups. I have really enjoyed speaking with members from your forum! It has taken much longer than normal due to spring break, but I have finally received approval to interview individuals up to age 75. I welcome anyone to email me to chat. Thank you again so very much, and please let me know if you have any ideas or thoughts.
 
My best,
 
Erin Wehrman
Doctoral Candidate
Department of Communication
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
4070 Lincoln Hall, Pod I, 702 S. Wright St. 
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Gin, the reason I did not go to GriefShare was because when I left I felt worse than when I went in.  Now, that is just me.  I am the one that started writing my feelings down after Billy left and when I reread them it was like taking a 100 stitch wound and ripping it open.  It hurt that bad.  I know it could not have hurt worse physically.  And again "THIS IS JUST ME"  The majority of people are not off kilter like I am.  It is a study, and I believe it is to help her as a doctoral candidate.  I know I have read the responses from the people who talked to her and it seemed to help them.  As I said, I am off kilter, and at 74 right now, I don't want to open any wounds.  We talk about things on here.

It is funny watching "Grace and Frankie" as they are facing aging, heck, they have already had age smack them in the face over and over.  In real life they are that age too, and older.  (I have to wait till next year, I've already watched 13 episodes in two nights.

Besides, she might decide to do a whole nuther case study for us oldies.  I think she would have loved my grandmother's "book."  

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Earlier this afternoon I shared your questions and comments with Erin, and asked her to explain the parameters of her study. This is her response, received via email just now: 

Hi Marty,

Thank you so much for sending the comments along earlier. They are very touching, and I am so happy to see that this experience was beneficial for some members.

I did note the concern about the five year restriction, and I thought I could address it along with the age limitation. I do want individuals to know that these requirements are absolutely not intended to exclude anyone at all--I think everyone's experience is valid, important, and worthy of being discussed. Like one person said, grief absolutely does not end after five years for many people. Additionally, many people experience loss after the age of 75, as well. Since the topics I am exploring (e.g., communication, identity, interactions) are very understudied, these parameters help give us a more narrow focus from which to start. If we can illustrate that certain experiences are common among newly or younger bereaved individuals, then we have a context to compare future research to. This study is just one of many that I hope to pursue. In the future, I would love to chat with people who have been bereaved for longer periods and who are older than this age range (both VERY important, but just different focuses). Having different, separate studies will allow us to compare different groups more effectively, and might help us to see how grief can change over time. Having a narrow focus can lead to findings that can provide tools to help people based on their specific situation, since many, many factors might affect grief. I am definitely taking these concerns into mind and will be sharing them with my dissertation committee. I truly hope this helps to explain some of our research decisions. I welcome anyone to email me if they have questions or if they would like to be made aware of future research. It has been a wonderful privilege to speak with members of your group.

Please let me know if this make sense or if you have any suggestions. Again, as always--thank you so much.

Erin Wehrman
Doctoral Candidate
Department of Communication
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign
4070 Lincoln Hall, Pod I, 702 S. Wright St. 
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I had made contact with Erin and she told me pretty much the same thing.  She's keeping my contact information in case she is able to interview me at a future date, right now she doesn't have permission to.

Gin, That's the trouble with something like this, they're focusing on an age bracket or time frame and in so doing it can seem exclusionary, but that's not their intent.  I'm not sure what our oldest age represented here is, but if you contact her, I'm sure she'll try to get permission to extend the age bracket, it's just an arbitrary number.  Of COURSE what you feel and have to say is valid, as are my feelings! :)

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