Betterdays2017

Struggling with loss of my brother

10 posts in this topic

I'm a 27 year old female who lost her 30 year old brother last year Feb 16 2016. I'l never forget that day, it was by far the hardest day (aside from his funeral) that I've ever endured. I find myself struggling still even after the 1 year mark which has only passed a mere month ago. It was a very sudden and tragic death and I miss him dearly (he passed away in his sleep from a sudden heart attack). I know he will always be in my heart forever and always on my mind. Grief is such a strong and strange feeling. A feeling that for me I find is so hard to feel and deal with. Today has been a hard day for me mentally I find it still hard to believe and I keep picturing him in my mind alive and well although I know the truth. I'm not so sure I've reached any "acceptance" stage yet but I don't feel that I'm in denial if that makes sense. He also had a baby girl 6 weeks old, I'm so glad he got to meet her. I think that also weighs on my mind when I see her and think that she's going to grow up with no father it breaks my heart. He was Sooo very excited to have his daughter and finally be engaged. I can't help but feel depressed about this and feel upset and even angry. I joined this group in hopes of finding some support and I hope that through other people's experiences and hopefully positive outcomes that I can truly heal from this pain. 

 

Xo

Betterdays2017

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Betterdays2017 ,

Welcome to a place that you can share, learn and grow to understand about grief.  There is no timetable of healing and recovery.  Each of us learns to deal with grief and loss as it affects us but the beauty of this place is that these people here "get it" and understand"  Most of the outside world doesn't understand this grief.  Grief is yet another expression of love that you have for your brother.  My brother died eight years ago in his sleep on February first.  I spoke to him two days prior.  He had pneumonia and was taking medicine for it.  His sudden death was a surprise to us all.

MartyT, and may other people will come, listen, and share.  Your feelings are normal for grief.  You are not alone in this journey.  - Shalom, George

 

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Betterdays2017 said:

I'm not so sure I've reached any "acceptance" stage yet but I don't feel that I'm in denial if that makes sense.

Dear one, I think reaching any "acceptance" stage in grief is a myth perpetuated by the notion that grief occurs in neatly ordered stages, and somehow we're all supposed to end up in that particular one. As stated in this article, In Grief: Aversion to Thoughts of "Acceptance" and "Moving On" :

Most of us mourners have trouble with words like “acceptance,” because in truth the death of our loved ones will never, ever be “acceptable” to us. If these particular words bother you, try substituting words like “reconciliation” and “integration,” and understand that it takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to that point in your own grief journey.

As for being in a state of denial, I can assure you that your very presence here with us ~ fellow mourners all ~ indicates quite the opposite. Clearly you are very much in touch with your grief and actively looking for ways to better understand and cope with it. Good for you. You are not alone, and we will support you in any way we can. Welcome.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Betterdays,

I'm sorry for the loss of your brother, that must have been a huge shock.  No one expects to lose their brother, age 30.  It's very hard thinking of his baby girl growing up without her daddy.  

There's no reason to have to put labels on ourselves (like acceptance) when we struggle with the semantics and what they mean to us.  I choose to use the words "realization of" because the word acceptance can imply we're okay with it and we'll never be okay with it.  I know that's not what the counselors and books mean, but even so, it's okay to use different words that more aptly describe the meaning to us.  One year, ten years, you'll probably still feel the same about it...the only thing that seems to change is our adjustment to it.  We are amazing creatures that I have found have the ability to cope better than I'd have ever thought possible.  Me, it wasn't my brother that passed, it was my sweet husband, he was just 51...we met in our mid 40s, and it felt way too soon, we'd thought we had years left together to enjoy each other's company before we'd face anything like this.  Over and over I encounter those in their 20s facing loss, and it feels so unfair, so very hard...my heart goes out to you.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hun I am in the same boat I lost my little brother on May 25th 2016 and it's been hard I was at work when I got the news I went into shock and found out that he had killed his self in my parents home and my mom found him. I am still struggling every day I miss his voice and his laugh and knowing I will never be able to talk to him or see him hurts. Hes two years younger than me. My mom and sis still have a hard time they were the ones to come home and find his body.

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm very sorry for your loss. I am 31, and lost my big brother 2 years ago (I was 29 at the time, and he was 37). It is a very specific type of loss - a young person dying before their time is truly tragic. And yet, there are blessings because your brother has you to go on living and to teach his daughter about him and who he was. It will never be as satisfying or fulfilling as having him here with you. That's the sad truth of loss. There is no "acceptance" -- I agree that this is a myth -- there is only rebuilding a new life that honours the person you lost. In time, you will learn to live again. Time doesn't heal all wounds but it gives you a new perspective that eventually gives you enough strength to go on. 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Acceptance, how I hated that word when my husband died!  I felt to "accept" it would be to agree that it was okay.  Nothing is further than the truth and that is not what the term, in conjunction with grief, means.  Acceptance as widely used by grief counselors and authors simply means you realize the reality of their death, it does NOT mean you like it or that it is "okay" with you!  It will NEVER be "okay" with you!

Grief is forever, but it does not stay the same, it is ever evolving.  Eventually the intensity lessens and as we adjust and learn to cope with our loss, the pain seems to diminish some.  Our bodies are amazing and resilient, especially when we consider that we didn't think we could live through this.  Even so, it affects every aspect of our life, physically we have symptoms (I had edema, couldn't sleep, was extremely anxious, crying, didn't feel like eating, lost my focus, made mistakes at work, and had no interest in things I used to enjoy) but there are secondary losses as well.  I lost half our income, the person that did half the chores was gone, the person I spent all my free time with was gone, the person I used to talk over my day with, the person I cuddled with, the person who was everything in the world to me was gone in a flash.  It's a lot to absorb and it takes much time to sink in, let alone get used to the fact that they're never again coming through that door and you'll never hear their voice on the other end of the phone. 

Like Louise, I am fortunate that I have that hope of being with him again, for that is what keeps me going.  God has been with me throughout this journey, and for that I am grateful...not sure I could see that in the first year, my faith was sorely tested and shaken, as is also common in grief, no matter how strong a Christian you are, it happens.  We do emerge from this darkness strong in our faith though, if you believe, it will see you through even when you can't see your way through it. 

 

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, kayc said:

Acceptance, how I hated that word when my husband died!  I felt to "accept" it would be to agree that it was okay.  Nothing is further than the truth and that is not what the term, in conjunction with grief, means.  Acceptance as widely used by grief counselors and authors simply means you realize the reality of their death, it does NOT mean you like it or that it is "okay" with you!  It will NEVER be "okay" with you!

Grief is forever, but it does not stay the same, it is ever evolving.  Eventually the intensity lessens and as we adjust and learn to cope with our loss, the pain seems to diminish some.  Our bodies are amazing and resilient, especially when we consider that we didn't think we could live through this.  Even so, it affects every aspect of our life, physically we have symptoms (I had edema, couldn't sleep, was extremely anxious, crying, didn't feel like eating, lost my focus, made mistakes at work, and had no interest in things I used to enjoy) but there are secondary losses as well.  I lost half our income, the person that did half the chores was gone, the person I spent all my free time with was gone, the person I used to talk over my day with, the person I cuddled with, the person who was everything in the world to me was gone in a flash.  It's a lot to absorb and it takes much time to sink in, let alone get used to the fact that they're never again coming through that door and you'll never hear their voice on the other end of the phone. 

Like Louise, I am fortunate that I have that hope of being with him again, for that is what keeps me going.  God has been with me throughout this journey, and for that I am grateful...not sure I could see that in the first year, my faith was sorely tested and shaken, as is also common in grief, no matter how strong a Christian you are, it happens.  We do emerge from this darkness strong in our faith though, if you believe, it will see you through even when you can't see your way through it. 

 

 

Well said, Kayc,

Great wisdom shared.  My faith was tested as well. I am blessed to be a Christian with a strong faith and I couldn't imagine how anyone could survive this grieve without God.  I learned early on how they deal with grief and cope with it in their own way.  God's common Grace.  As you are well aware when I came here in this forum, I was searching for answers, help, support, and understanding.  Even well-meaning Christians do not naturally know how to deal with grief and help one another.  My expectations of how other people who have experienced this same loss was so baffling.  We all cope with it differently.

No matter what our beliefs, we each have to find our own path through this grief.  I so appreciate this site that MartyT, provides for us to openly, share, care, and help each other through this grief journey. 

I am thankful for you and others in this forum who share their lives to help all of us.  None of us volunteered for this grief but it is a blessing to be a part of this great community. Thank- you - Shalom

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think in order to heal from grief, we all have to examine and face our own concept spirituality -- whether you have been going to church faithfully your entire life or if you have no experience with religious doctrine or "God." Some find peace in connecting with nature and the forces that man can never truly understand. I found the concept of "the dark night of the soul" particularly helpful when I was grieving the sudden loss of my father. I was disconnected from all I knew, and this type of spiritual crises perfectly explained how I was feeling. Here's an article:

https://lonerwolf.com/dark-night-of-the-soul-question/

A lot of Buddhist teachings speak to my heart and have helped me stay present for my mom's illness, appreciating every day as a gift and not allowing the present moment to be sacrificed in favour of worrying about the future. Tomorrow is often taken for granted, but if we can truly learn how to live with today, our hearts can open again. This quotation from the Tao Te Ching has also helped me greatly:

"Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there's nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." - Lao Tzu

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I read a book years ago "Pathways to the Soul" and it explained how we find our spirituality with God is different...some through liturgy, some through nature, etc.  It's true.  Mine is nature.  It's why I live where I do.  I feel peace and tranquility in nature.  George was the same way, and we loved taking walks in nature.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now