AB3

New outlook

43 posts in this topic

Is it weird that I'm no longer scared to die?? I use to be fearful of death and what it means to die but since losing my love I'm more at ease with death and dying. Everyone around me of course are very fearful but my outlook on life and death have changed. I no longer look at the future anymore I just live in the moment. Death seems so much more real now and I'm not so oblivious to it anymore. I realize that no one makes it out of this life, or out of this world alive and it can happen whenever. I also believe that we each have a purpose, something we are supposed to accomplish here before we leave and all those who have died have fulfilled their purpose even though it may not be clear to us what that was or is. I believe that death is also not the end yes, it is the end of our physical body here on earth but not the end of life. 

I know everyone has their own opinions and beliefs about life and death and in no way am I trying to force my beliefs on others. I have just gotten to the point (3 months out) where I realize that I'm here to fullfill my purpose and once I do I will go be with all those who have already accomplished their own. I do not fear death. 

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AB3, I think many of us here would echo your feelings on this. I know I do. I have stated it to a couple of friends, relatives and the counselor I started seeing a few weeks ago, and they immediately think suicide, but that's not the case. It is possibly part of the acceptance we all have to eventually get to, and for some of us, we see it as the eventual reunion we will have with our loved one that we are anticipating. Interestingly for me, a number of my other fears have lessened as well. I've already list the most important part of my life, so there's not much else to scare me with.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, DaveM said:

I've already list the most important part of my life, so there's not much else to scare me with.

Exactly how I feel. I guess we both have accepted that death is inevitable and that death means being reunited with those we love. 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

AB3 and Dave -

I've felt this way since I lost my wife.  I would have fought tooth and nail (and did twice) to be there for my wife and kids.  Now the kids are grown and my wife is gone so in many respects death is a respite and the next great adventure.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yup, I want outta here.  I don't know about purposes and such.  Steve had so much more he wanted to do.  But without him I lost mine.  I can't even find a reason I am here right now.  Just taking up space and resources.  This is a new phase for me in this tho.  For almost 2 years I lived in grief and feeling like I mattered from within.  Now a new twist in the path.  I think for me it is the absolute knowing he is gone and I will be alone til my time.  It's a scary thought that even Steve knew.  He didn't want to be the one left behind.  That used to anger me as I couldn't believe he would choose that.  But given the choice, I would have too.  Selfish?  Maybe.   I've just lived too long in the pain I'd do anything to stop.  I'm pretty darned sure he would feel the same and be cursing me at times too.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was thinking today that Al was "luckier" than me.  He had me to dote on him and take good care of him.  I have no one like that when I need it.  I guess "lucky" is not the right word.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

He didn't want to be the one left behind.  That used to anger me as I couldn't believe he would choose that.  But given the choice, I would have too.  Selfish?  Maybe.   I've just lived too long in the pain I'd do anything to stop.  I'm pretty darned sure he would feel the same and be cursing me at times too.

I can relate, I think about that all the time "being the one left behind" it's such a lonely pace to be. I always thought I would die first, actually I always felt that I would die young. Never did I think he would go before me but then again I wouldn't want him to have to experience the pain that I now carry. 

2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
57 minutes ago, Gin said:

 I guess "lucky" is not the right word.

Since his death, I have thought that he is the lucky one, to be in a place where pain doesn't exist. This world feels too empty and everyday we all carry this pain. But we are all lucky that we got to experience the type of true, soulmate kind of love that most never get to have.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I hope you all are holding up ok or as ok as you can be in this life. Prayers for us all. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I welcome death.  No, not talking about suicide.  But I see death as a release.  I get to be with George again.  Free from all the struggles of life.  I didn't think about it "before" his death but I think losing our spouse does bring it to the forefront.  It's not that I don't like living, I do enjoy what there is to enjoy, but it IS different when you have to go it alone.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have felt the same way.  I think it is one of the reasons why I was not scared when we had the recent bomb threats here in our facility.  I guess part of me doesn't believe it would happen, but also part of me would see it as a way to get to be with Mark.  We did not have any children and although some family and friends would mourn my passing, it is just kind of a waiting game right now.  I find things to occupy my time and go along in my life.  But Mark was my soulmate and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing.  I am not sure why I did it, but I felt the need to find a picture of our hands; we never had an official one done when we were married (Mark was a mechanic and he didn't like the looks of his hands).  Well, I cropped one from a photo when we said our vows. I started sobbing when I saw it.  I miss being able to touch his hands.  I think about finally being able to once again be with him.  Even if I were diagnosed with a serious illness, not sure how much I would fight it.  I know I am still here because I have a purpose, just as we all do.  People say losing someone you love should teach you to appreciate life...well, actually experiencing a sudden death should REALLY teach you that; here today, GONE just like THAT. Some days it is easier to appreciate and be grateful; it isn't an everyday occurrence. Some days it is merely marking a day off of a calendar.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

People say losing someone you love should teach you to appreciate life...well, actually experiencing a sudden death should REALLY teach you that; here today, GONE just like THAT. Some days it is easier to appreciate and be grateful; it isn't an everyday occurrence. Some days it is merely marking a day off of a calendar.

 

I had a conversation a little while ago.  I was talking to a couple and when asked how I was doing, I replied: "Some days better than others."  He said: "At least you're on the right side of the dirt."  My reply was I wasn't so sure.  She then came up with the platitude about life being a gift to be treasured.  For me, life was a gift right up until July 29, 2015, and since then it is a challenge.  A challenge to find enough distractors to make it from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep.  And then it's a challenge to try to find a way to sleep.  I do have times of joy and happiness.  I am getting better at finding distractions: still, the time during the day is mostly spent in solitude when it is easier to remember why things feel so empty.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello all. Interesting topic. I soooooo agree with every single one of you here. It is almost a disappointment when I wake up. No, I am not suicidal so like several here have to be careful what I do say to family in particular. I am only (ha) 16 weeks out but feel like it is a lifetime. The one good thing is I am no spring chicken so probably wont have a long time to live thru this horrible feeling of loneliness and grief. So good to have a place where we can all go where we can let our hair down. 

3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am no longer afraid of death, but then I had embraced my mortality far before I ever met my wife.  This has certainly made the prospect sweeter though, the chance of being reunited in some way.  Even if my beliefs are wrong, and it turns out there is nothing after, I will be ok with that.  At least the struggle would be over and I will have done as well as possible with my time here.  I also am not suicidal, and further while I am not afraid of death, I am not rushing into it.

I have a long life in front of me, in the area of 35 years based off my projected lifespan per retirement calculators.  If I were to fall ill, I would pursue medical treatment, for my daughters and mothers sake if nothing else.  At the same point in time, if I were to go in a traffic incident on the way home tonight, I would be more than ok with that.  Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the most likely scenario is that I will be around for a long time.  That is ok too, I don't think time will work the same on the other side.  I have a feeling that what seems like a long wait for me will only be moments for Christine.  Regardless, the after will take care of itself, it is the now that I need to focus on.

6

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree, Herc.  However, if I got something terminal and very painful, I don't think I'd want to prolong it just for time's sake.  I know someone with lung cancer and he's in a lot of pain...I think if that were me I'd want to go quickly, but then I don't consider myself stoic where severe pain is concerned.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with you. We all seem to have similar views. I remember before the death of my love I was so scared of dying but I also never expect that my 29 year old selfless, beautiful, happy fiance would die so young. I know that his death has changed me and my entire outlook on life. Like Kayc said, I welcome death I'm ready whenever it comes. And like Herc said, even if my beliefs aren't true about an after-life though I have a strong feeling that it is, death releases us all from the pain here on earth.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Froggie4635 said:

We did not have any children and although some family and friends would mourn my passing, it is just kind of a waiting game right now.  I find things to occupy my time and go along in my life.  But Mark was my soulmate and I still feel like a huge part of me is missing.

 People say losing someone you love should teach you to appreciate life...well, actually experiencing a sudden death should REALLY teach you that; here today, GONE just like THAT. Some days it is easier to appreciate and be grateful; it isn't an everyday occurrence. Some days it is merely marking a day off of a calendar.

Two things struck me about this, Maryann.  Being in the same situation, no kids, I would be missed by a few people but thing that would really put anyone in a state of grief.  The only people that would have happened to have already died like my parents a couple close family members and Steve.  All gone now.

My (non) belief system differs from most here.  Granted, I don't know anything but this existence, but I feel that this is all there is.  So purpose, honoring and believing in being reunited is lost on me.  I suppose this makes it harder as I don't have that to lean on.  It's like the poem you get called The Rainbow Brudge when a pet passes.  I don't believe they are frolicking and waiting for us.  When I go into meltdown it is because Steve doesn't exist anymore and the pain that elicits.  There have never been any signs or feelings of him beyond his possessions I still have.  They are inanimate things.  No odd things happening or thinking I see signs in a bird or butterfly appearing.  It hit me last night sobbing in bed I have to accept this about myself.  I light a candle fo  him every night, but that is for me.  He believed so I light the others for our parents and pets.  I like the effect, but it has no spiritual meaning or I would freak out when his burns out til I get another.  

Second, This loss hasn't taught me to appreciate life.  It has become a waiting game for me also.  I only fear death like most people.  Because I am aware of it unlike other animals.  I loved life til he left.  Now it is something I trudge thru.  After decades of sharing it with him which gave meaning and purpose by love itself, having that gone and coming back to me daily has changed everything and I don't see it ever being something I will be happy in again.  Plus I am getting older and more limited.  Thought we would do that together.  

Im happy for you that believe in reuniting.  Maybe I will find I am wrong.  But I can't force feelings that don't exist.  I also try and think would I fight a dire health diagnosis.  Not a fan of pain.  But to do it for this life I live, I am guessing no.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Two things struck me about this, Maryann.  Being in the same situation, no kids, I would be missed by a few people but thing that would really put anyone in a state of grief.  The only people that would have happened to have already died like my parents a couple close family members and Steve.  All gone now.

My (non) belief system differs from most here.  Granted, I don't know anything but this existence, but I feel that this is all there is.  So purpose, honoring and believing in being reunited is lost on me.  I suppose this makes it harder as I don't have that to lean on.  It's like the poem you get called The Rainbow Brudge when a pet passes.  I don't believe they are frolicking and waiting for us.  When I go into meltdown it is because Steve doesn't exist anymore and the pain that elicits.  There have never been any signs or feelings of him beyond his possessions I still have.  They are inanimate things.  No odd things happening or thinking I see signs in a bird or butterfly appearing.  It hit me last night sobbing in bed I have to accept this about myself.  I light a candle fo  him every night, but that is for me.  He believed so I light the others for our parents and pets.  I like the effect, but it has no spiritual meaning or I would freak out when his burns out til I get another.  

Second, This loss hasn't taught me to appreciate life.  It has become a waiting game for me also.  I only fear death like most people.  Because I am aware of it unlike other animals.  I loved life til he left.  Now it is something I trudge thru.  After decades of sharing it with him which gave meaning and purpose by love itself, having that gone coming back to me daily has changed everything and I don't see it ever being something I will be happy in again.  Plus I am getting older and more limited.  Thought we would do that together.  

Im happy for you that believe in reuniting.  Maybe I will find I am wrong.  But I can't force feelings that don't exist.  I also try and think would I fight a dire health diagnosis.  Not a fan of pain.  But to do it for this life I live, I am guessing no.

Hi

Unlike many my belief, or nonbeliefs, are like yours. Actually, I am somewhat jealous of those who believe in something but I dont so I muddle thru as best i can.

Hugs to everyone going thru this unending sadness.

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gwen, a long time ago (sometimes in the past 17 months) I was, and am still, concerned about my faith.  I leaned toward the Catholic because I loved their pageantry and I worked out in my head that since I did not understand purgatory, I figured this must be purgatory.  You explained to me it wasn't.  So, I know that you know about the religion, some how.  I have had some major hits on my Baptist faith until I started wearing a mustard seed necklace.  Cause, I gotta hang onto something.  Lots with major faith, some with minor faith, some with none, some with questions, no answers.  

I wish we all could find that "peace that passes all understanding."  

Your all in my heart and I wish we all had more answers than questions.  I like that lighting a candle.  I don't understand it, but I know many faiths light a candle.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

To expound on my early thoughts, I would like to say I don't know anything about what happens next.  My belief is that there is something more.  The laws of conservation of matter and energy indicate that the energy that comprises our soul, spirit, life force, whatever you choose to call it continues in some way.  I tend to believe in some sort of divine being, because even with the nearly limitless universe the delicate intricacies required for life, let alone intelligent life seem to indicate to me that something had to lay out a plan to at least set all this into motion.  And these beliefs are not proof.  There is no proof, or solid rebuttal of something more.  So I find myself trapped in a place of not knowing.  As a result I choose to believe, but must also acknowledge that this could be it, this could be all we have.

And if this is all I have, it is still beautiful.  My grief is unrelenting, yet it is merely a by product of the love I once had which was, and indeed still is, more enduring.  The anguish is unbearable, but is only present because the joy was and still is more overwhelming than any other emotion.  The loss is profound and terrible, but compared to what I once had and am still a part of it is inconsequential.  If there is nothing more, then I am at the bitter end, and I am still glad for having made the journey.  If this is it, then at least I tasted of perfection, and basked in it until my heart was brimming over with what many only dream of.

And while I may never experience that bliss again, it still goes on around me every day.  Sometimes that is a bitter pill to swallow, that I now watch from the outside a show that once was about my love.  Seeing the others who are in the midst of it often heightens my awareness of what I have lost.  And yet, to simply know that it is out there is marvelous.  While it may be gone to me now, I know that there are others reveling in the joy of it.  That those emotions still flow and bring forth the resulting miracles that I have witnessed first hand is proof that what I now endure is worth while.

That I may never feel that love again is devastating, but still the love remains.  As with all things there is a cycle.  Every ending is also a new beginning.  What beginning this has wrought, or may bring forth in the future is beyond me, but it is there.  Perhaps my life and love will inspire my daughters to find their own.  Perhaps some small act of kindness Christine and I performed helped someone who will do great things.  Perhaps someone will read the words we type to one another and find a measure of peace in them to get through one more day.  And perhaps it was all for nothing, and even that is fine because it created a beautiful union that I am always proud to have been a part of.

Faced with the possibility that this is it, I can look the universe in the eye and say that I am happy to have been a part of it.  I have done what I had to, helped what I needed to, and enjoyed what I could.  And nothing can ever take that, or the love in my heart from me, not even death.  While I fully believe that there will be something more, if there isn't I am ok with that as well.  Hoping everyone finds peace and love within their own hearts,

Herc

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My personal view:

I believe in the after life, yet I doubt it is a forever state of peace.

I don't believe we are alive because there is a purpose to be filled, and when it is filled or my mission is achieved, it is time to go. The human history doesn't work like that, from my point of view.  Biologically, neither. I believe in God and probably He has a plan and knows the sense of each life. I am saying that His ways cannot be aprehended by our human framework. So sense, mission and reason are concepts that cannot be applied to God's work in the same way we conceive, understand and applied them as humans. Again, This is all my personal opinion. 

 

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
41 minutes ago, Herc said:

To expound on my early thoughts, I would like to say I don't know anything about what happens next.  My belief is that there is something more.  The laws of conservation of matter and energy indicate that the energy that comprises our soul, spirit, life force, whatever you choose to call it continues in some way.  I tend to believe in some sort of divine being, because even with the nearly limitless universe the delicate intricacies required for life, let alone intelligent life seem to indicate to me that something had to lay out a plan to at least set all this into motion.  And these beliefs are not proof.  There is no proof, or solid rebuttal of something more.  So I find myself trapped in a place of not knowing.  As a result I choose to believe, but must also acknowledge that this could be it, this could be all we have.

And if this is all I have, it is still beautiful.  My grief is unrelenting, yet it is merely a by product of the love I once had which was, and indeed still is, more enduring.  The anguish is unbearable, but is only present because the joy was and still is more overwhelming than any other emotion.  The loss is profound and terrible, but compared to what I once had and am still a part of it is inconsequential.  If there is nothing more, then I am at the bitter end, and I am still glad for having made the journey.  If this is it, then at least I tasted of perfection, and basked in it until my heart was brimming over with what many only dream of.

And while I may never experience that bliss again, it still goes on around me every day.  Sometimes that is a bitter pill to swallow, that I now watch from the outside a show that once was about my love.  Seeing the others who are in the midst of it often heightens my awareness of what I have lost.  And yet, to simply know that it is out there is marvelous.  While it may be gone to me now, I know that there are others reveling in the joy of it.  That those emotions still flow and bring forth the resulting miracles that I have witnessed first hand is proof that what I now endure is worth while.

That I may never feel that love again is devastating, but still the love remains.  As with all things there is a cycle.  Every ending is also a new beginning.  What beginning this has wrought, or may bring forth in the future is beyond me, but it is there.  Perhaps my life and love will inspire my daughters to find their own.  Perhaps some small act of kindness Christine and I performed helped someone who will do great things.  Perhaps someone will read the words we type to one another and find a measure of peace in them to get through one more day.  And perhaps it was all for nothing, and even that is fine because it created a beautiful union that I am always proud to have been a part of.

Faced with the possibility that this is it, I can look the universe in the eye and say that I am happy to have been a part of it.  I have done what I had to, helped what I needed to, and enjoyed what I could.  And nothing can ever take that, or the love in my heart from me, not even death.  While I fully believe that there will be something more, if there isn't I am ok with that as well.  Hoping everyone finds peace and love within their own hearts,

Herc

I agree with every word. I think about this daily.....whether there is something more after death or not I am blessed to have found such a beautiful human being who truly gave me unconditional love. Nothing could every change that not even death.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Marg, I was raised Catholic so yeah, I had lots to question as so much never made sense to me.  I researched other faiths and came to the conclusion religion was created to ease our fear of death.  I can't think if any culture that doesn't have it.  I don't say this to disrespect anyone who has a faith that sustains them.  I wish I could believe there is something, but you can't make that happen.  I would love to think I will see Steve again.  If I do, it will be amazing.  If not, I wouldn't trade the time we had.  Never took into account it would end.  It's just not something you think about when life was good and fulfilling by just being together.  When I realized I was losing him is when I realized this was going to be hell.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I felt you were raised Catholic.  I have no answers to anything, I only have to believe.  And, I know when I can get back to where I once was, it will help me.  It is just easier for me. My way is not everyone's way, but I have to travel that path.  It is never a straight line.  My heart is with you my friend.  Mama used to quote to me that we will have the "peace that passes all understanding."  I hope she has that now and is with her family, that is what she believed, and I hope it happened.  We have to go our own way about a lot of things, and I hope for only the best for all of us.  

I am very saddened tonight for some reason.  I will take my potion and pass on out.  

4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You all already know what I believe, and it is on faith.  I'm very glad I have my beliefs because quite honestly, I don't know how I could handle this without that.

5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now