AB3

New outlook

43 posts in this topic

Somehow or other, for some reason or the other, maybe "as the twig is bent" this is what I believe.  I sometimes think mine go no further than the ceiling, but sometimes I do feel there is someone far mightier than I am listening.  It might not save anything, but then again, it might.  And most times I feel like the elephant from "Horton Hears a Who."

"Don't give up. I believe in you all; a person's a person, no matter how small." Dr. Seuss

prayer.png

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I've written before how I choose to believe I will be with Deedo again; it brings me comfort, and what that afterlife will be I haven't got a clue.  I do know that my idea of an afterlife is not remotely close to traditional Judeo-Christian ideology regarding Heaven and Hell.  I know this is a choice.  If this life is all there is then once I die I will not know anything more, hence, I will not realize I was wrong.  If Deedo and I are not together then I assume I will understand why and will be okay with that: or else I will not have any memory of her, not dissimilar to being born here on Earth, assuming there were possible prior existences.  In either case, it is what it is and I will be okay.  So I choose to believe that we are destined to find each other and travel together come what may.

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Billy used to ask me about my "blind faith" and I knew he had started college to be a Methodist minister.  He had put a little too much faith in man, and won't say why, even though Billy is not with me, I believe enough to know he would not want me to give the reason even though all of the people have passed.  This turned him against religion, and as a young man, like he was, I can understand.  My dad was a good man, but one of only three deacons, and that many years ago, I saw things that were just wrong, done in the name of religion.  As a young child, I saw they were wrong.  Billy so much wanted me to keep my faith, and even though he questioned "why" one time, he accepted that I believed if there was a heaven, or if there was not a heaven, I had much rather be on the believing side than the non-believing side.  He accepted this, and again, I want  to believe that is how he believed.  I will cling to that belief, like Brad said "I choose to believe that we are destined to find each other and travel together come what may." I cannot believe otherwise.  If I am wrong, then it is for me to find out.

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First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss.  The loss of a loved one is definitely an eye opener.  It changed my perspective on life as well.  No, I do not think that it is weird that you are no longer afraid to die.  I think you are quite normal, actually, and that the realizations you have had since your loss are good ones.  I, too, believe we are here for a purpose and I encourage you to seek yours out.  Wishing you all the best.

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1 hour ago, AuntSilly said:

First let me say that I am so sorry for your loss.  The loss of a loved one is definitely an eye opener.  It changed my perspective on life as well.  No, I do not think that it is weird that you are no longer afraid to die.  I think you are quite normal, actually, and that the realizations you have had since your loss are good ones.  I, too, believe we are here for a purpose and I encourage you to seek yours out.  Wishing you all the best.

Thank you! It's nice to have people to relate to

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On 3/20/2017 at 10:30 PM, Herc said:

The loss is profound and terrible, but compared to what I once had and am still a part of it is inconsequential.  If there is nothing more, then I am at the bitter end, and I am still glad for having made the journey.  If this is it, then at least I tasted of perfection, and basked in it until my heart was brimming over with what many only dream of...

Herc

Brother, you stated it exactly. As broken as my heart is, as searing as the pain, as hopeless as I am right now, I still had that taste of perfection, and oh what a joy it was to be with her. To know she loved me as much as I love her. To hear from her lips that she had never had or felt anything remotely like this before. She was already weak when she visited me last summer. I took her to the beach for the first time in many years for her. By the time we got out to about mid-way up our thighs, she could no longer stand against the waves, so she kneeled, sat and just bounced while I stood behind her, letting the water buffet her here and there, back against my legs. If you could have only seen the joy in her eyes and smiles and heard her laugh and hoot and holler. We were out there nearly an hour, and I exalted in her joy. She grew up in southern California, and was a surfer girl. If there is a heaven, I hope she is catching a wave right now. She had brought a small bottle with her (loved collecting old bottles), and filled it with North Carolina beach sand. To take back to Texas to hold onto a bit of the ocean. Tears are pouring right now, but I am smiling, too, for gratitude that I was able to give that to her. Thanks for your good words, Herc.

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On 3/21/2017 at 6:37 AM, Marg M said:

Billy used to ask me about my "blind faith" and I knew he had started college to be a Methodist minister.  He had put a little too much faith in man, and won't say why, even though Billy is not with me, I believe enough to know he would not want me to give the reason even though all of the people have passed.  This turned him against religion, and as a young man, like he was, I can understand.

My belief system cannot be based on "man".  I've seen enough of mankind to know my hope doesn't lie there...for me, it has to based on someone perfect, someone who doesn't let me down, someone without flaw, and that someone is Jesus, man enough to know what we go through, God enough to triumph over everything.  

Brad's post kind of says it all for all of us, regardless of religious beliefs or not, but I believe in something more.  This is something each person decides for themselves what to believe.

What's amazing to me is how two imperfect people, such as George and I, could be so perfect together!  Not that we ever achieved perfection, together or separate, but that our relationship was perfect!  Our communication, our understanding of each other, our faith in each other, how we clicked, how we fed each other, so to speak, it all seemed so perfect as to seem effortless, even while we poured tremendous effort in to each other, it didn't FEEL like effort, it was natural and what we WANTED to do!

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9 hours ago, DaveM said:

Brother, you stated it exactly. As broken as my heart is, as searing as the pain, as hopeless as I am right now, I still had that taste of perfection, and oh what a joy it was to be with her. To know she loved me as much as I love her. To hear from her lips that she had never had or felt anything remotely like this before. She was already weak when she visited me last summer. I took her to the beach for the first time in many years for her. By the time we got out to about mid-way up our thighs, she could no longer stand against the waves, so she kneeled, sat and just bounced while I stood behind her, letting the water buffet her here and there, back against my legs. If you could have only seen the joy in her eyes and smiles and heard her laugh and hoot and holler. We were out there nearly an hour, and I exalted in her joy. She grew up in southern California, and was a surfer girl. If there is a heaven, I hope she is catching a wave right now. She had brought a small bottle with her (loved collecting old bottles), and filled it with North Carolina beach sand. To take back to Texas to hold onto a bit of the ocean. Tears are pouring right now, but I am smiling, too, for gratitude that I was able to give that to her. Thanks for your good words, Herc.

It sounds like you had a magical trip to the outer banks.  Christine and I went there every year.  She wasn't supposed to go out in the ocean because the force of the water could cause damage to her transplanted kidney, but she was a swimmer and lifeguard in her youth, so she couldn't stay away either.  In order to get her out in the waves, we had to hug closely, letting my body take the beating from the surf to protect hers.  She missed a few years in the ocean due to surgeries, and finding dialysis clinics was a challenge.  One year we had to go to the mainland, a 2.5 hour trip each way.  I'll be going again in July, the week we always went.  It's going to be difficult, but there will be family and good friends as always, and we will all help one another through it.  Hoping you are finding the peace and comfort she always had lying on the beach,

Herc

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13 hours ago, kayc said:

My belief system cannot be based on "man".  I've seen enough of mankind to know my hope doesn't lie there...for me, it has to based on someone perfect, someone who doesn't let me down, someone without flaw, and that someone is Jesus, man enough to know what we go through, God enough to triumph over everything.  

Brad's post kind of says it all for all of us, regardless of religious beliefs or not, but I believe in something more.  This is something each person decides for themselves what to believe.

What's amazing to me is how two imperfect people, such as George and I, could be so perfect together!  Not that we ever achieved perfection, together or separate, but that our relationship was perfect!  Our communication, our understanding of each other, our faith in each other, how we clicked, how we fed each other, so to speak, it all seemed so perfect as to seem effortless, even while we poured tremendous effort in to each other, it didn't FEEL like effort, it was natural and what we WANTED to do!

DITTO!

Rose Anne and I experienced the same thing daily for almost 26 years.  Neither of us were perfect but we sure were perfect for each other. We blended.. "The two shall become one" .  I don't know what the future brings but I know who holds the future.  My trust is in Christ alone. Fortunately we both learned and taught the basic teaching  of "The Sovereignty of God" many years earlier.  It is what sustains me through this grief process.  

I don't know if I will ever be in another close relations/marriage.  I will chose to not close my heart yet practically it seems unlikely... But a couple of months ago, I never even considered flying either. That rekindled passion has energized and motivated more to take care of myself and learn this new craft.  I believe that "God will make a way when there seems to be no way"

 

Shalom

 

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George,

Thanks.  I really believe this but sometimes I need to be reminded.  

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I agree with the general sentiment of this topic. My Jo met her death without....as far as I could see....fear. I think we both knew a few days before....we didn't need words to say it, we just virtually knew....that it was going to happen and we prepared ourselves. And now....I'm not really afraid. It's just one of those things. And it's a release from pain. Sounds flippant I know.

As for the afterlife....I want to believe. I'm a lapsed Catholic....was brought up as one but turned my back on it when I was about 15. So unfortunately I don't personally think there's an afterlife, but I want to believe that there is. I'm always so incredibly moved when I watch one of those old movies where somebody dies and meets their love in the afterlife, so it's a concept that touches me in a very deep way....and has done so for years. But I dunno....maybe I'll change my mind. It's best to be open after all....

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Dr Lenera,

Perhaps instead of stating you don't believe, you could change that to "I don't know what there is"...part of keeping yourself open for possibilities.  You're already kind of there when you state its a concept that touches you deeply.  As you say, it's good to be open.  There's much we won't "know" until we're there.  Until then, we're using Marg's Mustard seed faith (she has a necklace with a mustard grain in it).

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WARNING, FAITH SPOKEN HERE: Again, might be wrong place to put things.  I have no proof.  I am reading on a book by Steve Musick "Life After Heaven".  He was in a coma for five weeks.  I won't go into the details.  I have two books here that I kinda distance myself from.  Well, actually three.  Two of my Christian widow friends have both told me I need to read Psalms.  I am no novice at the Bible, but yet I am also.  I have a son who was shot in some kind of drug deal gone wrong.  Shot in the leg, how bad can that be?  I found out it was the main artery of the leg and he needed multiple units of blood that people that knew him and us donated.  He coded twice on the OR table.  We were traveling back from NM.  No cell phones back then so I stopped at pay phones every few miles to get updates.  My hospital, my resident friend operating.  He coded twice, once it was in a dark place, next in a place of total light that he did not want to return from.  The man in the book did not want to return.  He walked with Jesus, he described him, felt God was there but never saw him, and did not want to return.  It was beautiful where he and Jesus were.  Singing, feeling of being held in a way that was comfortable. Beautiful light. Jesus told him everything that had happened to him in his life.  Grasses that were so high he knew a farmer would be wanting to make hay.  Light and beauty uncompared.  I have a book written by a neurosurgeon who "died" also, but cannot find it.  I have tried reading Psalms.  My two friends keep their Bible open.  I have many Bibles.  I do not read them.  I am afraid all I have is my mustard seed faith, but I have not lost it.  It took this man many years before he would write this book.  Jesus told him he could not stay and he could not understand leaving a place so perfect to lay in a hospital bed (will not give out book specifics) but he went from 195 pounds down to 126 in those five months (weeks?).  Living was the hardest thing, but not yet the hardest thing he would have to do.  During all this time he is thinking "why? I don't want to be here" even though he was a young man with his whole life ahead of him.  Many "men" have said they believe this man's story.  Many skeptical men like you and me.  They believe him.  

I am human.  I read things and I am just sometimes as negativistic as any of you. Some times maybe more so.  But, my little mustard seed faith sustains me.  My son said he saw many people and he knew them, yet did not know how he knew them.  Billy would question my faith, he was very human also, yet when my faith was at the lowest, he told me about the Shepard that left his 99 sheep to find the one lost sheep.  Billy told me that,  just out of the moment I was my lowest.  Then, when I knew I was dying he told me that if I did die that I would have no worries or pain and those would be left to us living.  

After reading part of this book (I have not finished it), I truly believe Billy is in a place that he does not want to return from.  Time to them is nothing.  It is not "time" as we know it. I want my magical, mystical belief, I want to believe that he wants to help me and our kids, like he did in life.  Maybe I suffer a little disappointment thinking that perhaps he is happy, oblivious to my suffering.  That would not be "my Billy."  But, I believe that he is where he should be and it is up to me to carry on while I am here.  I now do not believe "my Billy" wants to return.  I do not feel abandoned though.  

It took this man many years to tell this story, many.  He was thrown back into a body that was wracked with pain and almost dead, and he could not understand why he had to return to such a place.  The Bible was written by men.  We have accounts from men/humans that we can accept or not accept.  There are people on here that have visited many different religions, one man I know for sure came back to Christianity.  My son has visited many different religions.  I really don't discuss it with him.  Billy was a skeptic, but brought my faith to the forefront, on purpose, for some reason.  

We have to believe however we believe.  It took  this man many years before he could even talk about it with his wife.  How do you tell your wife you did not want to return to even her?  

Do I believe this?  I still wear my mustard seed.

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10 minutes ago, Marg M said:

We have to believe however we believe.  It took  this man many years before he could even talk about it with his wife.  How do you tell your wife you did not want to return to even her?  

Do I believe this?  I still wear my mustard seed.

Very well put Marg, I hold on to my faith in the afterlife. A place where only peace exist. I can't blame anyone who experienced a taste of it would want to come to a world where pain exist. I think as much as my fiance wanted to live he wanted to be pain free and at peace even more.

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On 3/22/2017 at 0:22 PM, Herc said:

It sounds like you had a magical trip to the outer banks. Christine and I went there every year...  

I'll be going again in July, the week we always went. 

Herc, it was actually Wrightsville Beach. Her favorite was the Outer Banks, but I talked her into Wrightsville because she was only here for a few days, and I didn't want to burn up the time driving the extra 5 hours or so (another one of those little things we now have guilt over). Just the same, as I said before, I know she was ecstatic to be in salt water and waves, so that is what is important.

We went in mid-June, about the 20th or 21st for 2 days, so I will also be going back there about that time this year. I found a bi-plane ride place near there. Wish I had seen it last year.  On her bucket list was to take a flight in a bi-plane, wearing a scarf to trail out behind her. I just ordered and received a purple scarf (her favorite color), and I will take that flight for her in June. I just wish I had found the place last year. One of her other bucket items was to take a ride in a hot-air balloon. I never had a bucket list, but do now... I inherited hers.

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22 hours ago, Marg M said:

FAITH SPOKEN HERE:  I have no proof...But, my little mustard seed faith sustains me.

These two statements stood out to me.  You have faith, but you have no proof.  It wouldn't be faith if you had proof!  Faith is exercised in our belief, not in something tangible like proof.  it's hard to explain but faith is the best thing I have.

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