Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Dating After the Loss of a Spouse


Recommended Posts

6 hours ago, Patty65 said:

OK well.  As some know, this is the reason it has been difficult to post here, yet I miss it so.  I never intended to "date" again, let alone find myself in a relationship a year after my beloved Ron died - the shock, the sudden loss just 55 days long, the fact that we loved spending every minute of every day together at Maui Pasta.  Even if I had a thought that maybe in 10 years I would find companionship for the "alone", I would admonish myself for such a thought.

But when Steve and I found ourselves falling in love, it seemed impossible, but it seemed also that Ron and Kathy had brought us together.  It is the four of us now.  It was like an escalator -- we were standing completely still and yet we were moving towards each other by a force beyond us.There is not a conversation that goes by where they are not mentioned, remembered, loved.  Our tears flow... mine a bit more since it is so raw. 

But, how do I face the world with such a thing, to my family, my staff, my customers, all those who have lived through my utter devastation by my side?  Barely a year? Really?  I am still working on this.  As has been said in this thread, how can you be in such complete ruin and loss, and love, too?  Smile, laugh, too.  I don't know and yet here it is.

It brings me to tears as I write this -- I think what I fear most deeply is for anyone to doubt -- for one iota of a second -- my love, devotion, devastation to and about Ron is not True, deep and endless.  That every word here I have written about Ron and my pain is real and ongoing and that I miss and long for him every hour of every day.  That I am still deeply grieving.  That I am depressed, angry and full of anxiety from the grief and trying to live on without him by my side -- and not just the business.  Especially not just the business.

This, for me, is a lesson in duality. Holding two opposites at the same time.  Steve is on a plane coming to Maui for a few days right now. Tonight, we will sit and watch sunset at the beach where Ron is - his eternal reef and where we held his service - and then we will go to dinner at a restaurant on the same beach and celebrate Kathy's birthday.

 

 

Patty,

I feel the same way you do. I also feel that Richard and Cindy had something to do with Bill and I meeting.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I am experiencing the same DUALITY... How can I experience such joy and passion and yet Grief simultaneously.

I call it having learned to coexist with my grief.  Maybe I am better at compartmentalizing, or maybe I've learned to blend both joy and grief.  It doesn't require explanation or justification, it suffices only to know it "is" and accept it.

Patty and Steve, I hope you have a great weekend!  Try not to think about what others think, in the end I've learned not to give a rat's fig about what others think of my life, it's what matters to you that counts, you're the one living it.

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Besides "inquiring minds want to know."  Yes, I am nosy.  I am thinking about this "landlord" and what becomes of the trial.  Now, I do wish you and Steve happiness, but I honestly am more interested in a woman winning out over a man in a lawsuit.  Yes, I'm just that mean.  Hopefully Steve can help.  But, if your partner was "touched or somehow manhandled" by that landlord, I want the screws put to him.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No one dislikes this landlord or his wife more than I Marg but the fact is that the man who touched Patty's partner was a tow truck driver so legally that appears to be between that sorry son of a "b" and Patty's partner. There was a court date set for last Monday when I was there but changed to tomorrow instead. Patty did her homework extremely well and professionally impressing her attorney so it gave time to file a counter claim. Since that was served he made a counter offer but he can stick that where "the sun don't shine". Point is he is beginning to understand how he has a fight ahead of him. I know this woman. Tenacious would be an understatement.

My understanding of how things have developed over the last year and two months shows a woman widowed (quite quickly) trying to hold on to a business and dealing with an intense grief. The selfishness of this man is like nothing I have ever known before. It takes a certain kind of person to screw someone going through what Patty had to deal with and there is a special place in hell for him. I have seen justice prevail before and my prayer is that the good lady wins.

When Patty first became a member of our community I wrote that she could succeed as I had done with my business. I was scared for several months and worked hard to save it. but it pales in comparison to what she has been going through and in my opinion she has more courage and strength than any one I have ever known. Were I ever to be batting into a sticky wicket again I sure as hell would want her by my side.

So we shall all say a prayer for her tomorrow.

My money's on you girl.:wub:

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I am so glad you are there.  You think that people would be kinder to a widow, but it is like a predator who finds the last of the pack, the one who is hurt, and they will pounce on the hurt one.  There has to be a special place for people like that.  Glad you are there to let us know what is going on and good luck to all of you..  I hope the partner goes after the tow truck driver.  I kind of like it when the woman wins.  Just count it to my feminist side.  

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

We are counter-suing though!  We will find out tomorrow if there is any hope for any of our arguments.  I have spent over a year now, with an anger at one thing "hospice" -- unjustified, of course such an important place for the world, but for me it represented everything that is death, Ron's death.  But I've just looked at that feeling, and let it be.  My therapist told me it will take time for that trauma of it all to heal with time and the anger dissipate. 

But there is now a relationship with Ron's death, anger, and the landlords.  Their negligence held us up from opening up the store for 9 months, his last year of life, all our money invested in this place and unable to open.   We went through every penny of our investment money to survive, with nothing left to open the store, so we went to the ReStore and bought used counters and Ron built them from remnants just to open up. Ron and I worked so hard, every single day, to try to hold on, to the point where he would not take his herbal medicines that had saved him before and gotten him clean PET scans, because they would make him sleepy and he would not be able to work as hard.  We had to work so hard because we only had a small portion of our wholesale business while we could not open the retail store for so long.

I do not do anger well, I do not know how, and it comes out in bursts of overwhelm.  I have trouble controlling what I say.  It's intensity is new to me. That is the scary part about it. I am afraid of the rage I could feel confronting this situation in court tomorrow.  It is not rational to blame the landlords for Ron's death, I know I don't REALLY blame them, but it was part of the equation, or at least in my mixed up fearful mind it is.

I will find a way to show up. And hopefully keep my mouth zipped closed and let the attorneys do the talking.  While Steve is back home now, I know he will be with me in spirit.

I hope you all will be too.  I know with certainty Ron will be.

Patty

 

  • Upvote 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Patty, most people will not like me to say this, but something I have found over the years is a woman's tears sometimes melts the ice around a lot of things.  I said I have never had a traffic ticket, but I did not tell about two times I was stopped and was so scared I started crying.  No ticket.  Even after nearly 55 years, Billy was not immune to them either.  I don't look on it as being weak, I look on it as a weapon.  unfortunately, I will cry when i am angry too.  But, like I said, most people will think that is dirty pool. 

I will say I can curse a blue stream too, but the tears seem to work better.  (I really don't do much cursing the closer I get to Heaven).

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

While Steve is back home now, I know he will be with me in spirit.

I hope you all will be too.  I know with certainty Ron will be.

Patty, dear Patty, I promise you with everything that's in me that we are with you all the way!

Image result for go get em tiger

  • Upvote 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ditto to Marty's "Go Get em Tiger"!

I know someone who touched someone's sleeve to get their attention and they filed an assault charge on her!  She had to hire an attorney and on social security, that's hard.  Seems Patty could have done this to the tow truck driver, but I doubt it'd have bearing on the landlord.

Patty, your idea of letting the attorney do the talking is probably best, that's what we hire them for.  Good luck to you today!

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wearing her sharks teeth for battle today. 

I know that what hurts the most is what this all represents. Ron, the dream, and his loss. But he's inside you this day Patty.  Feel his strength and love.  58e274250e9da_sharksteeth.jpg.52907ed5887c57f2159bcae8c245210a.jpg

We are all with you.:wub:

  • Upvote 8
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Patty, this old world does not seem to play fair a lot of times.  A Rabbi once wrote a book about "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."  And I never questioned why I got cancer, why I had to go through such horrible treatments to a place I considered private.  Couldn't it have been my cuticles, anything that was on the outside.  But, me being the Missionary fire and brimstone Baptist that I was, I always figured I got what I deserved.  That was not true, but when you are brainwashed from a toddler on, you grow up believing things.  Yes, I always figured I got what I deserved.

That was wrong.  What about all those other people around me at MD Anderson, long before the TV show "The Walking Dead," this is what I saw.  I remember one pretty woman going to play tennis with her son at one of the Mississippi colleges saying "well, I did not want to get old anyhow" and she was in such a good mood.  I know it was forced.

I don't know what will happen today.  I don't know our time difference, but I would like you to write us the results of the trial.  I am hoping for a wonderful outcome and your saying you would let your attorney do your talking was spot on.  We are thinking about you and wish you so much the very best outcome.  

And Karen and Gin, Kay, hope you all are feeling better.  Kinda  a pun intended Kay, but Jim sounds like a gem.  I am glad you have help.  Hope your results are what you want.  

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Gosh thanks.  Its been a very long, hard grief night.  Today is a first hearing on the last year of Ron's life at Maui Pasta.  I'm praying it will be quick and I will be able to keep my teeth grit without saying a word. Because they would overflow with grief in how my poor Ron spent his last year in battle with these people to get our doors open.

I will post what happens.  

:wub:   :wub:   :wub:   :wub:   

Patty

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was able to not say a word -- despite my racing heart and shaking, which apparently nobody could see.  The landlord was there, snickering - that's what my business partner said, I took the advice not to look at them - their attorney was aggressive, "objecting" to what our lawyer was saying.  The judge was fair, and a trial was set for June 5.  It may get pushed farther ahead if we are awarded a jury trial, which we have asked for.  The judge recommended mediation, but when our lawyer asked their lawyer about it afterwords, she said that mediation was not "ordered" just "recommended" and they wanted to go straight to trial.  The whole thing was awful. Sometimes I want to give up the whole business and run away. Like today. They tried to get us out immediately.  The judge did not allow it.  I don't know, I just don't know anymore.  How much longer I can hold on.  I just worked a 15 hour day with the court in the middle of it because my chef got sick.  It's the nature of this monster and I'm just getting overwhelmed.  My business partner is leaving on a 6 day trip to give her daughter a baby shower.  Not sure how to survive, but somehow I must. Sorry for the whining :( I know Ron wouldn't want this but I just can't find the path to a more reasonable existence.

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh Patty, I see the late hour you posted this, what a long horrible day it was, I am so sorry.  I hope you get the jury trial and that they see things for what they really are.  Give no heed to the landlord's snickers, he's trying to wear you down, you have it within you to not let him succeed.  Hang in there, you have all our support.

  • Upvote 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Patty,

I don’t post here very often but I do read and I’m so sorry you are struggling with this lawsuit when all you really want to do is fulfill a dream you and Ron had.

During times like this it is normal to just want to up and quit but from what I have read that is not you. When obstacles cross our path it is easy to just throw the towel in and walk away but it is more challenging to not. You have put your heart and soul into the business and are now struggling with things outside your control. Some people are heartless. Some people are cold and uncaring. Some people even get joy out of someone’s pain. These people are not who we waste our time with. This is their baggage that they have to carry around. I just know that you will fight a good fight and do your best and that is all your Ron wants you to do. You are doing the best you can and for that, you need to know that you are a success. Over the years I have learned that it is what I put into my life that counts not whether or not I appear successful to others. I have a daughter who reminds me often that she never lets a day go by without thinking of me. She tells me how she tries to be a good mother to my three beautiful grandbabies and when days seem to be the hardest she focuses on the words “I’m doing the best I can and that is all I can do.” You, dear Patty, are doing the best you can and no matter what the outcome is with your business know that what you do is enough. You know what is in your heart and your Ron knows, too. The people around you know how very hard you are trying and if they don’t that is about them and not about what you have accomplished or not. I cannot begin to know the sacrifices you are making but I know that what you are doing to keep your business open is coming from your heart. I cheer you on and send hugs to you. You have many people in your corner including that wonderful guy named Steve.

Anne

  • Upvote 9
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She sings when she cooks. That is when she is the happiest.:wub:58e3da2c223c7_cookingalfredosauce.thumb.jpeg.222070a18207fa3ea0faec4aa89347e3.jpeg

Alfredo sauce............to die for.  Trust me on that. I thought I died and went to heaven.

  • Upvote 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 hours ago, enna said:

Dear Patty,

I don’t post here very often but I do read and I’m so sorry you are struggling with this lawsuit when all you really want to do is fulfill a dream you and Ron had.

During times like this it is normal to just want to up and quit but from what I have read that is not you. When obstacles cross our path it is easy to just throw the towel in and walk away but it is more challenging to not. You have put your heart and soul into the business and are now struggling with things outside your control. Some people are heartless. Some people are cold and uncaring. Some people even get joy out of someone’s pain. These people are not who we waste our time with. This is their baggage that they have to carry around. I just know that you will fight a good fight and do your best and that is all your Ron wants you to do. You are doing the best you can and for that, you need to know that you are a success. Over the years I have learned that it is what I put into my life that counts not whether or not I appear successful to others. I have a daughter who reminds me often that she never lets a day go by without thinking of me. She tells me how she tries to be a good mother to my three beautiful grandbabies and when days seem to be the hardest she focuses on the words “I’m doing the best I can and that is all I can do.” You, dear Patty, are doing the best you can and no matter what the outcome is with your business know that what you do is enough. You know what is in your heart and your Ron knows, too. The people around you know how very hard you are trying and if they don’t that is about them and not about what you have accomplished or not. I cannot begin to know the sacrifices you are making but I know that what you are doing to keep your business open is coming from your heart. I cheer you on and send hugs to you. You have many people in your corner including that wonderful guy named Steve.

Anne

So true!  We are all in your corner, Patty!

  • Upvote 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...