Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Girlfriend broke up, fathers cancer came back


Recommended Posts

Thank you all for being already a support system to myself.  It's amazing we have technology to help us be there for one another. 

 

My recently ex girlfriend and I were only together for 6 months, but it progressed extremely quickly.  We knew of each other in college, but randomly ran into each other in October and things just sparked.  After a few months, she told me she was "madly in love with me" and has told me a few times I love you.  Not often, but a few. We went to Aruba a month ago for her birthday that she booked for us and it was great, but she started to become distant.  As we went to Aruba, her father started his chemo treatments.  She found out his cancer came back the month before, and his first treatments were on her birthday when we were away.  We have never fought, always have an amazing and fun time together, but as time went on after that, she started to distance herself from me.  We started to text less, and things started getting worse for her dad.  She works for his company and sees him everyday.   Last weekend, we went to her friends wedding together, and she was on and off towards me.  Her friends were there and she was distracted which is fine, but it was noticeable I was not the priority. When we got back to the hotel and it was just the two of us, things were amazing and we had a blast.  Then, she broke up with me.  She said "I've never been so miserable in my life, I see him dying in front of me and I can't do anything about it.  I can't be in a relationship right now".  We spent the next day together and she took it back, saying we have too much fun together.  I didn't hear from her all week til Thursday when she called me at 230 am pretty drunk.  I picked her up so she was safe and we talked all night.  She went out with her mom for drinks and then met up with another friend after that, but he left and she couldn't get home.  Her mom is going through the same feelings she is and it sounds like her dad is not reacting well to the treatments.  She told me her mom is mad at her for breaking up with me and she liked me a lot and wants us to still be friends.  It hurt me a lot hearing that knowing that it's over.   She asked me to stay over and I did, then the next morning I handed her condo keys back.  She tried picking a fight and was starting to cry, and all I could do was say I'll be there for you if you need anything.   I texted after that just to say it again, and she texted back along the lines of  "let me know when you're ready to be best friends and we'll grab some dinner".   I said ok even though I don't want to be just friends with her.  She texted me that night asking how I was doing and I said ok how are you.  She said "shitty"  so I made a joke about to have some wine.   She said "alcohol is 99% of why I have problems.  Have a good night at work".  And I said goodnight. 

That was the last time I heard from her on Friday night, and it's killing me not hearing anything.  I fell in love with this girl, she's such a beautiful soul and is so much fun.  I know it is early on, but I do feel like we are meant to be together and the timing for right now is so so off.  What do I do from here?  I'm giving her space and not reaching out, but I can't sleep at night and even though I'm trying to focus on me I can't.  It's hurting so much for me not to hear from her and all I want to do is keep her safe and in my life.  I feel so selfish feeling this way with what she's going through, but I don't want to be pushed out of her life completely.  Is there any way to help bring back myself in her life?  What is the best thing for her now?  And is there hope for us becoming back together again?  Thank you all for the support and I apologize for the length.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know if you've read any of the other threads in this section, but this is very common in grief.  My fiance broke up with me abruptly when his mom was dying, he didn't feel he could handle a relationship at the same time.  We had no contact for several months, then went on to be friends, but nothing more.  I've lost my ability to trust and haven't dated since (it's been 6 1/2 years) and he's lost his ability to trust himself.  We still care about each other but I long ago adjusted to us being friends, and it could only come about if I accepted it as it is and neither of us hoping for something more.  You can't make someone else change or do something.

If she feels alcohol is 99% of her problems, that says a lot.  The cards are stacked against you if she has an alcohol problem because it makes it nigh impossible to work on the relationship, according to Dr. Harley at marriagebuilders.com.  The person first has to deal with their alcohol or drug addictions before they can work on their relationship.

Add that to the grieving she's going through, it is a lot.

The best thing you can do right now is respect her wishes.  Focus on YOU right now, spend time with family and friends, keep busy, work on yourself.  I know it hurts like the dickens and it's so tempting to try and make contact but try to think with your head rather than going by feelings which can run amok.

I found some of this to be helpful when I was going through it.  I did learn throughout the process though that you really can make someone want to come back, it actually seems manipulatory.  However, it does help to know what not to do so as not to further aggravate the relationship.  Whether you get back together or not, it's always good to work on ones self.
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/250552-reconciliation-list

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201605/5-things-do-heal-your-grief-when-relationship-ends 

It also might be of help to know what she's experiencing and how to be there for her if she lets you.
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi KayC,

I'm so happy you wrote back to my post.  The past three nights I've read dozens of responses on forumns from you over the past 6 years on this site relating to this topic.  I am so sorry for your situation and it must be so tough.  At the same time, it's a blessing you still have that person in your life.  You are an amazing person who genuinely wants to help others, and you have already helped me by giving me responses to read the past few nights I've been going through this. 

 

Her response of the alcohol was more like a joke.  I don't think she has a problem, we are 29-30 and do go out and drink.  The night she called me (last Thursday) she was drunk however and the next night when I last heard from her and she said that I think she was just regretting how much she drank. I know drinking is a coping mechanism, and she definitely needs to simmer down with that.  Taking a "break" from it is what she needs, and that could be part of why she is not seeing me.  

Although I have only read very few success stories of that person coming back into the others life, I still want to have faith in who I am for her and who she is to me.  Is this naive thinking?  Is there still a chance that I can still be a person for her?  It has been the most difficult four days of my life not talking to her, and I know there are going to be plenty more.  But what is the best thing I can do for her as a person?  Is it give her complete space and be there if/when she reaches out?  Also, in your opinion, will she reach out?   It's absolutely horrible not hearing from her and makes me feel like I did not matter, even though she told me she loved me and I feel I did. 

She lives three blocks from me, and I'm sure eventually we'll run into each other.  I want to be that "rock" in her life and show that no matter what, I'm good for her and can be there as a support.  Is her saying let me know when you can be a friend truly mean that, even though the night before she could not stop kissing me?  Saying how she'll have to refrain if we run into each other?  It does not seem like she sees me as just a friend and is confused in general. 

Thank you so much for helping me out, and I can't express how grateful I am this thread got to you.  I am working on myself already.  I joined a gym, joined this forum, and am taking on more work at work.  But not hearing from her has kept me up at night and I've lost my appetite.  The only reason I haven't reached out is because I don't want to push her further away and am respecting her wishes.  It is just painful not hearing from her and having to drive past her place every day when I used to have keys to her place and her heart.  

Any advice would be amazing.  I know this is a lot, but I feel Such at a loss.  Her father is her world, I never want to compete with that.  But I don't want her out of my life forever.  Thank you for being the support for me during this. 

-Chris

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, thank you for those articles.  I read the first one last night and will read the other ones now.  I don't want to just "get her back", although obviously I would love for that to happen.  I do feel like she is part of my life for the long run.  And right now, I want to be there for whatever she needs of me, if she lets me.  I care for her as a person and will sacrifice what I need to in order to be there for her.  Please let me know your thoughts on how best to do this. 

 

-Chris 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Chris, my dear, I hear the distress in your posts, and I wish we could give you all the answers to the questions that are keeping you awake at night. I think you are wise to listen to Kay's advice and take it to heart: "The best thing you can do right now is respect her wishes.  Focus on YOU right now, spend time with family and friends, keep busy, work on yourself.  I know it hurts like the dickens and it's so tempting to try and make contact but try to think with your head rather than going by feelings which can run amok."

I also encourage you to do some reading about grief, not only to help you better understand your girlfriend's state of mind at the prospect of losing her father to cancer, but to better understand your own grief as well. Yours is an ambiguous loss, in the sense that you don't know if this relationship is over or just "on hold" ~ which leaves you drowning in uncertainty. 

If you're willing to read more about this, I've gathered some articles that I hope you'll find informative and helpful:

How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences

Death of a Parent: Negative Impact on Couple's Relationship

Ambiguous Loss: When Grief Threatens a Love Relationship

When Grief Tests Relationships: How to Support Your Grieving Partner

How Much Grief Can a Relationship Handle?

Why Our Need for Closure Makes Us Selfish

Second-Hand Grief

6 Tough Lessons You Learn After Losing A Loved One In Your 20s

The Bittersweet Reality of Planning a Wedding Amid Grief

Loving My Wife Through Her Grief

How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

Warning: Grief Side-Effects May Include Building Emotional Walls

5 Truths about Breakups (That No One Ever Tells You)

10 Tips to Mend a Broken Heart

Two Essential Truths I Learned from Heartbreak 

“Radio Silence”: Making a Case for Not Talking to an Ex

Kissing Frogs: A Case for Conscious Grieving

5 Things to Do to Heal Your Grief When A Relationship Ends

Uncommon Advice to Heal a Broken Heart

This Just Might Be The Smartest Way to Get Over Your Ex

Finding Hope and Healing after Heartbreak

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for all of these articles MartyT.  I have not read many of these and it will give me something to do tonight.  I am trying not to let this control me and to focus on myself and making a better person of myself.  It still feels on "hold".  It is just so painful waiting for that message to come in, and I'm trying to hold strong as that rock figure and leave her be.  

I know all of my thinking feels selfish too, to be part of her life and want her back.  I just want to be there for her and her family.  I know there isn't a crystal ball that can predict the future, but I do feel like two people can come out of this together. I know right now it's 100% effort on my part, but is it wrong to think I still matter to her and she is just trying to not be hurt further?

I will certainly read these articles tonight.  And any further feedback or thoughts are much appreciated.  The silence is so hard to deal with, but I'm trying to be strong.  Please let me know your thoughts if she will reach out and what my actions should be if she does.  Probably sound like a broken record, but I don't want to lose hope.  Wish I could do more for her family and be part of this process for them, and for her. 

 

-Chris 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So I know this is very immature sounding, but just wanted to update and ask for feedback.   

I unfollowed her on Instagram on Friday after I stayed over, that's the only social media she has.  I found myself looking at what she was liking and I did not want to see it or be stalking it.   Tonight, after I posted a picture, she unfollowed me.   We haven't spoken since Friday night.  I feel like I messed up and made myself less approachable now.  Is she completely done with me?  Will she still feel ok to reach out?  I want to tell her I'm still there for her but seeing her social media was too much.  Would saying that push her away?  Sorry for the nagging posts... I just really want to still be in her life in general and during all of this. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It seems to me that you've already made that quite clear to her, Chris. Would telling her one more time persuade her? She already knows where you are and how she can contact you if she wants to do so. She unfollowed you after you posted a picture. Doesn't that tell you something? I'm so sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear, and I know this is unbearably hard for you. Still, I think a better plan for your evening is to read some of the articles listed above, and resist the urge to contact her. The ball is in her court. Do whatever you can to leave it there ~ at least for now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Marty,

I have been reading up on ambiguity, which is clearly where I am right now.  It is so unbearably hard to comprehend it and suck it up and live with it.  

I have made it clear I am there for her, but I feel like now because of what I did by unfollowing her first, it shows I don't want to be there which isn't true.  There was potential to being friends as of Friday night, and now it's as if I'm saying "don't reach out". 

Do you think this means it is done for good?  Or just done for now while she is going through these hard times?  And yes, I am fighting the urge to contact her, but would it be so wrong to text her and explain I'm still caring about her well being? 

 

-Chris 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, Chris896 said:

Also, thank you for those articles.  I read the first one last night and will read the other ones now.  I don't want to just "get her back", although obviously I would love for that to happen.  I do feel like she is part of my life for the long run.  And right now, I want to be there for whatever she needs of me, if she lets me.  I care for her as a person and will sacrifice what I need to in order to be there for her.  Please let me know your thoughts on how best to do this. 

 

-Chris 

Of course you don't...I thought Don Jo offered some good ideas if someone is wanting to get someone back, but most found they didn't want them back after all...HOWEVER, that site is dealing with regular breakups, NOT grief breakups, and there is a very real difference.

You ask if you are being naive in hoping to have her back...if you are, we all have been because it's normal to want things back like they were before.  Whether that will happen depends largely on her and we can't predict that.  We can see a general trend when people break up due to grief, you've read all the threads, you've already seen that.  Out of all of them, maybe one or two made it?  I consider Jim and I a success story for the simple fact that we have been able to be close friends, that means a lot to me.  I don't consider it a consolation prize, I consider it the best thing.  He is Asperger's and that greatly affected how things turned out, although I didn't see that in the beginning.  I think in a lot of these relationships, there were some kind of extenuating circumstances that weren't foreseen and perhaps grief tipped the scale, but maybe I'm wrong too.  It just seems a lot of the time the other person found out something later on that they hadn't been aware of at the time.  But a lot of us were purely caught off guard and totally baffled by it too.

It seems you may be getting mixed messages from her as I did Jim.  What I learned from him was HE didn't know HIS own mind, so hence the mixed messages...however, it wreaked havoc in me emotionally, so I learned to let whatever he said go as I knew he didn't really know his own mind.  If he said "love you", it wasn't something I could leap onto and count on.  He might also not call for two weeks.  I learned to realize he didn't honestly know what he wanted, I wasn't going to try and take advantage of that or manipulate him, I was just going to let him own himself, and me own myself, if that makes any sense.  It's very hard to put into words!  As an aside, I'm having eye surgery Friday and guess who is coming to take me to the surgeon and take care of me while I recover?  Yes, my good friend, Jim.  6 1/2 years after we broke up.  Will anything come of this?  No.  We have learned to accept things as they are and as what is right for us.  It's different with us though, we're old, while you guys are still young.

It sounds like you're taking the right steps...reading, keeping busy, joining a gym, trying not to bug her, etc.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record in my responses to people in this section, but I've learned what can help, what can hurt, and I also know that working on ourselves and focusing on that helps, as does exercise, in anything we are going through.  Good luck with it, and keep us posted, I'll check back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, MartyT said:

While I affirm the first truth, I don't ascribe to the second truth, "Everything happens for a reason".  I don't believe "fate" rules everything that happens.  I believe it was fated that my husband George and I met and were in each other's lives.  But I don't believe his death necessarily happened for a reason.  I think some things are rather random, they happen to us, not that the gods rule against us or "will it to happen".  I believe we are free agents, able to affect our outcome.  (i.e. it DOES matter whether we smoke or lose that 20 extra lbs.!)  We have some control over our lives.  But not COMPLETE control.  Babies still starve, rapes still occur, we encounter loss of loved ones.  And I haven't seen reason for a lot of what happens that we have to deal with.  However, in going through difficult places, we can ASCRIBE  PURPOSE in these things, that is we can learn something from the things we go through, we can find positive through the process of going through even difficult things.  We don't wish for bad things to happen, but oh the trove of things I have learned through going through hard places!  It has changed me, it has made me deeper, more mindful, more grateful, more compassionate.  We are the directors of our own universe through our choices!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Chris896 said:

Sorry for so many "I"'s in that last message.

When we are grieving a loss whether through death or break up, it is essentially a "selfish time" and there's good reason for that!  We by rights need to focus on ourselves. Learning self care is extremely important in our healing.  We explore what happened, try to learn from it.  It craves, DEMANDS we pay attention to what just happened!  

I read all of the articles Marty listed...one of them said (Rutgers Univ. Helen Fisher) When you lose (romantic) someone, it is the same region of the brain as is activated when an addict is going through withdrawal.  This could be whether a husband dies or your partner breaks up with you!  It IS that hard to deal with!  So if you feel you have a lot of "I"s, there is good reason for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Chris896 said:

Hi Marty,

I have been reading up on ambiguity, which is clearly where I am right now.  It is so unbearably hard to comprehend it and suck it up and live with it.  

I have made it clear I am there for her, but I feel like now because of what I did by unfollowing her first, it shows I don't want to be there which isn't true.  There was potential to being friends as of Friday night, and now it's as if I'm saying "don't reach out". 

Do you think this means it is done for good?  Or just done for now while she is going through these hard times?  And yes, I am fighting the urge to contact her, but would it be so wrong to text her and explain I'm still caring about her well being? 

 

-Chris 

Your unfollowing her is protecting yourself AND your love for her.  To see her and her choices could do further hammering away at the love you feel for her.  If she goes out with someone else and you witness that, what does that do to your love?  If she is out with a bunch of friends and seems to be having a good time with them, what does that do to your love?  We respond by thinking, "How is it she can have a good time, while grieving, with THEM, but not with ME?!"  Good question, but one common in grief break-ups such as this.  Sometimes we don't get answers.  One of Marty's articles talks about this.  

I've seen it said time and again that going no contact following break up aids our healing process.  It also protects our feelings for them even while we are healing.  Jim and I were no contact for months and could only enter into friendship later on because we both weren't secretly hoping for getting back together as a romantic couple.  We are friends.  Period.  And that's not a steppingstone for getting back together as we were, it's not feeling like it's second best, we value what we have as "friends" in and of itself.  Many, perhaps MOST cannot do "friendship" following breakup, even after a year apart, it takes a special mindset on the part of both involved.  Only time can tell what will ultimately happen by how both of you respond.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

KayC thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my thoughts.  This has been excruciatingly painful for me.  Mainly because I have no idea if the root cause truly the demand of the situation she is in.   I have read these articles and they are helpful for keeping me strong in not reaching out, but I will always think to myself "why not".  I do admit obviously I want to be back together with her, and that this is solely on her not to be with me.  But would it be wrong of me to see her again and try to be in her life for what she needs right now?   I feel we both put pressure on the "title" of a relationship instead of just enjoying each other.  Is it too late to get back to that point?   What you and Jim have is amazing.  Clearly you both have impacted each other's lives.  Although my time with Stef was very short and rushed, I don't want to believe those words she said were empty in value, but certainly recognize she does not know what she wants.  Is it bad then to see her and enjoy the moment, whether it be as a friend lover or partner when she chooses?   This stage of limbo, unfollowing on the (stupid) social media, is torture.  You're right in the sense I did it to protect myself, but was it childish?  

I am trying my hardest to remain no contact, for her sake, since this is what she wanted.  But if she said she wants me as a friend last week when I stayed over, is it bad to want for that too?  I realize it is done for now, but do feel strongly that it can become something again down the road.  All I want is to be able to see her again and talk, and maybe that is selfish of me.  But to be closed off to the idea of it would be making a conscious decision that this person is no longer in my life.  I don't know how I could handle that.   Especially with still wanting to hear from her again. 

Thank you for the responses, it has been such a blessing having this support system in place.  I've learned a lot, and am trying my hardest to implement it.  I'm a very strong man, prior military, lots of life experiences.  But love certainly weakened me with this woman.  She is such a beautiful soul, and I know I treated her right.  I just want to be there for her at her weakest, which is right now with what she's going through.  I will continue to focus on bettering myself, but would love to know thoughts on the best way to be there for her, or let her know even though I unfollowed her, if she wants a friend or someone to listen, I'm still there.

 

-Chris 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

On 3/27/2017 at 3:45 PM, Chris896 said:

As we went to Aruba, her father started his chemo treatments.  She found out his cancer came back the month before, and his first treatments were on her birthday when we were away.  We have never fought, always have an amazing and fun time together, but as time went on after that, she started to distance herself from me.  We started to text less, and things started getting worse for her dad.  She works for his company and sees him everyday.  

What concerns me, Chris, is your acknowledging to yourself how your lady is reacting to her dad's illness. If "things started getting worse for her dad," what do you suppose will happen over the next few months if (heaven forbid) her dad gets sicker, succumbs to his illness and dies? This situation as it stands now isn't likely to get any better for her and her dad, and very well may get worse. You've already learned how she has responded to a crisis in her family, which is a fairly accurate predictor of how she may act in the future, if things become worse. Expecting your relationship to get better under those circumstances may not be realistic on your part ~ and for your sake, I hope you are prepared for that.  

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Marty,

That is a very clear point...  I hope I'm not being incensitive on this either, which is how I feel I'm being right now.  So what would you suggest the best thing for me to do then, for myself and for her sake?  Considering I do have feelings for her, is it best to suck it up and be her friend while she is going through this crisis?  Or leave her completely alone?  Right now I am waiting for her to reach out first, but after the Instagram thing happened, it may not happen.  And I'd like to be there if she needs me to be even if it is just a friend.  What would you suggest me do?

 

-Chris 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so sorry, Chris ~ but it seems to me that she already knows you, she knows what attracted her to you in the first place, she knows what the two of you had together, and so she certainly knows that you are the kind of man who will be there for her if and when she needs you to be. As I said before, the ball is in her court. If you can find the strength to do so, I think you are wise to leave the next move up to her. I know it's hard, and it's painful beyond belief, but my suggestion is for you to wait for her to reach out first. If the love between the two of you is true, then it is strong enough to withstand whatever life throws at either one of you. And as a "very strong man, prior military with lots of life experience," I expect you already know that, sooner or later, life has a way of throwing lots of nasty stuff at us. As Kay has suggested, this is a time to focus on you, by

7 hours ago, kayc said:

.reading, keeping busy, joining a gym, trying not to bug her, etc.  Sometimes I feel like a broken record in my responses to people in this section, but I've learned what can help, what can hurt, and I also know that working on ourselves and focusing on that helps, as does exercise, in anything we are going through.

 

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yes, yes life does unfortunately.  It's so hard to purposefully not do more.  I want to apologize for the unfollowing and that it wasn't meant as me leaving her in the dust, just is hard to see.  

Ill have to have faith in what we had and that she'll reach back out.  Even though I told her I'm there for her, I feel like it wasn't enough.  I didn't prove I could be a friend to her which is what she needs now. 

Thank you for the support even though it's hard to swallow.  If space is the best thing for her, then I will continue to focus on myself and convince myself she knows she can reach out anytime as a friend.  I hope that is enough.  Thank you for the articles and if you have any further suggestions, I am all ears.  Please keep us in your prayers along with her father, you all are certainly in mine for helping guide me through this process.  It's something I've never been through before.

-Chris

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Chris896 said:

Thank you for the support even though it's hard to swallow.  If space is the best thing for her, then I will continue to focus on myself and convince myself she knows she can reach out anytime as a friend.  I hope that is enough.  Thank you for the articles and if you have any further suggestions, I am all ears.  Please keep us in your prayers along with her father, you all are certainly in mine for helping guide me through this process.  It's something I've never been through before.

I think you've already realized your answer.  I will keep you both in my prayers, this is a hard time for sure.

  • Upvote 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...