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Ooooh the envy


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I envy all of you who were able to spend 20, 30 or more years with your partners. I know no amount of time can ever be enough....we all feel that same pain that comes from losing our soulmates. I just feel so cheated. I had 6 and 1/2 years with my fiance and I expected to have many more. I thought we would get married, have a family, run our joint business together, travel and grow old together. I didn't think at 27 I would be going home every night alone. I didn't think that I wouldn't get the chance to be happy and in love for much of my life. I envy all those around me who are happy, in love, and have a family that they get to share their lives with. 

Why do I have to go through this so early in life? It's just not fair I feel like we just got started. We figured out exactly what we wanted and this year was supposed to be our year. Now life just seems too long to me , too empty and way too meaningless. So I envy you all. Yes we are all still on the same boat but most of you were lucky enough to have been able to spend most of your lives with your partners. That's all I ever wanted.....that's all I ever hoped for. 

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I wish I had the answers for you.  I know how hard it is to have unanswerable questions.

I am 60 in a few months and I used to think that finally it would be our time.  We spent so many years putting our parents and our son first that we were really looking forward to just us.  So even though we had 35+ years married and 13 years as childhood friends before that I still feel cheated.

I am sorry you didn't get as much time as I did but I can tell you that when you have that certain mate no amount of time is long enough. ?

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One thing I have learned in my 61 years are there are no answers to these questions that haunt us.  I cannot imagine at your age being faced with what older couples come to expect will happen as they age.  It is clear your love and commitment were firmly in place and having that ripped away would crush anyone.  I feel it is a normal phase to have to struggle with these questions no matter when we. Lose that someone.  I wish that wasn't so, but everyone here does.  It's one of the hardest parts of this journey we didn't want to be on.  All I can say is beware of people on the outside invalidating your grief because you ARE young.  It's as valid and deep and in your case something they really cannot fathom as this is a time of viewing life as a beginning, not an end.  So few have any experience with deep loss at this time in your life.  I'm sorry you will have that extra loneliness in that.  ?

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AB3, I hear what you're saying about wanting more time with your beloved. We all wanted that. Really, it doesn't matter if you had two years, five years, fifteen years, twenty five years,... hell, even 50 years together. It's never long enough when the love is deep and the connection is so right.

I met Tammy when she was 30. I was 44. Thought we would be together forever but forever was less than 16 years. The pain of what will never be still hurts. Yet, how blessed I was to have someone love me so unconditionally. The life we had together was truly a love story for the ages.

You mentioned being envious of others who had more time with their soul mate. I get that but none of us should really compare our loses or amount of years spent together. It just doesn't help in any way. Every relationship and love was unique and everyone's grief is their own.

It's interesting about the age thing you talked about. You're young and I know you're wondering "how can I live my life for all these years ahead without him?". That's not an easy thing at all. In my situation, I didn't meet Tammy until I was in my mid-forties. And it wasn't until June 2014 that daughter Katie moved out of the house and I thought "finally, Tammy and I have the house to ourselves... oh yeah!!". How sweet it was. Less than a year later, Tammy died. Now I'm alone and soon to be a 62 year old man who wonders where the rest of my life will take me. It can be frightening.

None of us (young or old) have it easy in any way, shape or form.

Hugs,

Mitch

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17 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I used to think that finally it would be our time.

How do we measure the depth of our pain?  A broken hip while young will be fitted with the kind that can be removed and a permanent put in when they are old.  I admit that when I had to pull the charts (before computers) for patients that were old, (they were big heavy charts, sometimes 2-3 for one person) I would gripe and complain in my head (I was in my 20's) and even think "If they are so sick and old they ought to just go on and die."  Cruel?  Yes it was.  In my college English class we were discussing ageism and learning.  My smart mouth (in my 20's) said it was wasted on those over a certain age because they would forget it and could not learn like young people.  I sat in front of the class.  An aged ex-Marine in back gave me my answer.  I think they could have turned off the lights and my fluorescent red face would have lit up the room.  I was so wrong, but it was not my first time to be wrong, or my last.

I'm getting paid back in spades (and not sure what that means either).  Maybe to dig my grave.  Billy and I had years and years together.  We had children, grandchildren and great grandchildren, in fact we had so many worries and problems to take care of, our song was "A Time for Us." We were at that stage in life that it was a time for us.  We still had plans, we did not feel old.......but it is now only a short time for me, alone.

I am sorry for those that did not get to live out their lives together.  I have a cousin a year older than me I need to go check on.  She just lost her husband of about 56 years.  

Billy and I had a good run.  We went through some trials and tribulations that most couples would have given up on.  Last night after my nightly "potion" I was still awake at 2:00 a.m. and films of our life played through my mind.  I could not shut them down.  My chronic depression hit a very low ebb.  I did the unthinkable, I took a 2nd Xanax and shut those nightmares down.  You see, memories are good.  I have mostly good memories, but I have some very bad ones too.  I don't get to choose which keeps me awake.  All I knew last night was, I didn't want to live without him.  (Still have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, RF).  Yesterday was a very bad day.  Of course all days are bad, but there are some worse than others.  Billy did not believe in all my magic and mystic feelings, he, of course, did not believe in anything supernatural.  I always, after kicking cancer, had feelings of magic and faith.  It was a good feeling seeing spring blossom out, to see the autumn leaves changing colors.  There is still a feeling, but it is a lost in time feeling.  

He said I was him and he was me.  He took all of my "me" feelings with him when he left and I am now up against his negative feelings.  We had many years, many happy moments, and many moments that I would not wish on anyone, and he would feel the same.  I'm sorry for those that were left with very few years.  I am glad Billy and I had enough time to heal the bad times and become best friends.  But, when I get off by myself, knowing he is not at home waiting, I am so scared.  I am scared of living without him, so many years with him, I was him, now "I" am lost as anyone, no matter the years, maybe because of the years.

Needing to do so much, putting it off, procrastinating in my "word salad."  I ache too. 

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Marge,

I am afraid of living, also.  I know that  I do not  have too many years left to suffer, but they sure are hard.  Alone.  For some reason, my kids do not seem that concerned about how I am doing.  I really try VERY hard to not bother them too much.  I was so sure that one of them would come over today to help with the basement.   Maybe that is the problem.  I always give the impression that I am doing ok.   I put the dehumidifier on and a fan.  That is it for today. Now I am leaving to visit a cancer patient friend in a nursing home.  Might as well do something worthwhile.  Maybe tomorrow.

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At least you are doing something worthwhile Gin.  I need so bad to find the green folder with all Billy's papers in it.  It is like I am some stupid idiot that cannot move.  I cannot remember where I put it and looking for it seems to be something I cannot move my body to do.  It is totally necessary.  It is something I have to do.

My son is with me also.  But, he has always been with us.  He gets a small VA pension and knows he has to move on.  He has the RV but it takes half his pension to live in a park. This month it took $400 to change his license from AR to LA.  We have three TV's, he has his own kind of diet so he really is no trouble, but the apartment is small.  In the big house there was no problem.  So, he is here one more month.  

My daughter is on her way back to AR with her "significant other."  Now I have to get my granddaughter through school, therapy, and hopefully a life where she is not scared.  (blind leading the blind).  

Gin, I had never used our house insurance before our burst pipe so I did not know that they would have brought in someone to clean out the water and mold.  Billy did it himself with shop vacuum.  The insurance adjuster came out and he and I could not even talk.  He was very arrogant and I told my insurance agent to keep him away from us and complained vigorously to the company.  Our only time of using our insurance.  Our insurance went up for a long period of time (I guess to pay off the repairs).  Have you contacted your home insurance agent?  

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Everyone here is right....no matter the number of years spend with them it wouldn't be enough. I just hate the whole emptiness of life, nothing to look forward to anymore and nobody to spend the days with. Is it bad that I pray that I will die soon?? Just to end the agony. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that just ready to go already! I couldn't imagine spending years and years like this....I shouldn't feel like this at 27 but I do. Thought this would be the prime of my life.....I actually read that"27" was the age where everything comes full circle....boy were they ever wrong. I just know I can't keep going on like this every day so I'll continue to pray for a speedy life. 

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AB, have you considered connecting with other young widows ~ that is, young women closer to your age with whom you might find some things in common? There are some wonderful resources "out there" aimed at people in circumstances like yours. I've listed many of them here: Resources for Young Widow(er)s. I'm thinking especially of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation, which offers a Widowed Pen Pal Program as well as their popular Camp Widow weekends. (You can read one young woman's description of her experience here: Hope and Healing at Camp Widow.)

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AB,

I spent my life without love, only to find him at last, be so happy for a short time and then have him yanked away.  I don't think this knows an age or length of time, grief strikes any of us in its path.  I'm sorry you are struggling...

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AB, I am an "older widow" and it does not dull the agony, but because I am older (Marty, I'm not saying the ugly word "old"), I have many friends who crossed this path long before I did.  One of them is not really speaking to me right now because I would not do the "GriefShare" course.  She might be peeved at me because she thinks I am not trying to help myself.  I came away from the meetings more depressed than ever.  I tried 2 or 3, cannot remember.  I did the same with the cancer group, I could not handle it, but group therapy in psychiatry was handled okay.  

I Just read the first note written in Hope and Healing at Camp Widow that Marty referred to.  At age 27, I did not know any widows my age and I know I would have felt like I was in a tiny lifeboat in the middle of the ocean with no help.  These are women you can relate to.  You cannot relate to me, although you know we suffer from the same pain.  I could/and do write my word salads all day and they would not reach you at all.  My friends are nearly all widows, so I have a neighborhood of women who relate to my pain.  You don't, except for some on here.  Being "penpals" with women your age, reading their feelings, I really think you could relate to them.

But don't leave us either.  Even being so much older, I feel your pain.  I think we have some young people on this forum that might not join in much, but those sites that Marty told you to go to, they might be your "saving grace."  At least you would have more in common and you can relate to them more.  I do not like to see so many young widows or widowers, in fact, I don't like seeing so many older either.  

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Thank you all, I will check out the resources. I have nobody around that I can relate to....it's just so uncommon to lose your partner so young at least from my experience. Is it weird that I'm still shocked that this has happened to me. I looked at old pictures the other day and it just seemed like a different life....a different world....a different person.

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That is precisely why I think it would help for you to connect with some people closer to your own age group, AB. Grief has a way of making us think we are all alone ~ the only one who's ever had this experience or who's ever felt this way. But we are not alone; we just need a little help to find others who are in the same boat as we are . . . 

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5 hours ago, AB3 said:

Everyone here is right....no matter the number of years spend with them it wouldn't be enough. I just hate the whole emptiness of life, nothing to look forward to anymore and nobody to spend the days with. Is it bad that I pray that I will die soon?? Just to end the agony. No I'm not suicidal or anything like that just ready to go already! I couldn't imagine spending years and years like this....I shouldn't feel like this at 27 but I do. Thought this would be the prime of my life.....I actually read that"27" was the age where everything comes full circle....boy were they ever wrong. I just know I can't keep going on like this every day so I'll continue to pray for a speedy life. 

AB3,

The shear shock and awe you feel is quite normal for those of us who grieve.  You are still new to all of this. I couldn't imagine living one day without my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  We didn't meet until we were almost 33years old. Neither of us were in a serious relationship before.  Your feelings are quite common although it has happened to you earlier in life.

I would get really messed up emotionally when I tried to thing ahead of days and years without Rose Anne. All I can manage is this moment right now.  I have a friend fiancee die in her arms when she was just twenty years old.  I asked her how did she cope with it and she said, initially she just mourned, cried, and grieved.  It takes time.

Even now, I just focus on today, if I thing about 1month, 1 yr, or ten years from now I will dissolve into a puddle of tears and grief.  Although we may experience grief at different ages, we still experience the grief and understand your pain.

I give those most painful aspects to Jesus because I cannot handle it myself.  I trust in my creator to supply all of my needs.  I pray you will find what you need to help you through this grief journey.  Many people here love you, support you, and lift you up.  This group was here for me in my deepest darkest hour and helped me understand what this grief is and the tools to cope with life afterwards.  

There is a hope in the future beyond this level of grief  because it is so hard to see.  Hang in and hold on. ( I was surprised by it").  Feelings are real but they are not always facts. The hardest part of this journey is to feel the feelings that we just want to run away from.   

Please, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings here.  It is what helped me when I was at your place in my early grief.  - Shalom, George

 

      

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12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I would get really messed up emotionally when I tried to thing ahead of days and years without Rose Anne. All I can manage is this moment right now.

This is how I've learned to do it too, still do.   "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34 Makes sense to me! :) 

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Dear AB,

I am not sure where I fall in the age range of the forum...I just turned 55.  I don't feel like a young widow, but like you I did not have the number of  years with Mark so many of our posters had with their spouses.  Mark and I met in our 40's...first marriage for the both of us.  We had learned what we did and did not want in a relationship; we were both very cautious at first.  But it was an almost immediate feeling that we REALLY clicked.  Both of us had been waiting our lives to find that one person who "got us".  We did not quite make it to our sixth anniversary.  We had made all our plans and decisions on being together for a LONG time.  We kind of knew that we wouldn't celebrate a golden anniversary.  Now that he is gone, I don't think much about the future.  Just like George said, I don't think my heart could handle thinking about the coming years without Mark.  I am coming up on 28 months he has been gone.  There are many times that it feels like no time has passed at all; but then I wonder what has happened to the last 28 months?  I read some of the articles and books written by young widows; most times they have children to take care of...I have our three dogs.  I can't lose my life in them.  I am sure you have had your share of people trying to encourage you to love someone else because of your young age.  Of course I wish I would have had more time with Mark; he brought so much sunshine to my life...but it is a waste of energy to wish for something I cannot change.  I think that is where some of my anger comes from...wanting something that I CAN'T have.  I try not to think about it too much....but there are days it rears its TRULY UGLY head and it takes all my strength to work through it.  All you can do, AB, is feel your feelings and stay in the present.  You have many people here that can relate to your struggle.

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6 minutes ago, Froggie4635 said:

he brought so much sunshine to my life...but it is a waste of energy to wish for something I cannot change. 

I am reading and trying to find my faith in life, in Christianity, in just living period. It is like there is a shield up and my most sincerest prayers won't go through that shield.  I guess it is anger that I won't admit to.  Yet, I know, I can hear my mama say and talk about the "peace that passes all understanding."  I have not reached that peace yet.  It is a roadblock too big for me to climb and too wide to go around.  I still know I have my mustard seed faith, but in my life (and I am only referring to my life, not trying to preach to anyone else), this peace is what I have to find and the wall or shield I throw up, I cannot break through.  Stubborn I guess.  Cannot make myself do this.  I don't know why.

This real fear is new to me.  Since when was I so afraid.  I have not been this afraid any of these 17+ months.  I hate this fear.

But AB, I truly believe you will feel more in tune with people your own age that loses their mate.  We all hurt in so many different degrees, but my many years meant that I had close friends that I could talk to.  At 27, I had no friends to talk to that had lost their husbands.  Marty gave you some good places to go.  

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I don't know if a similar age group would make much difference.  It seems that we just need to find that place and those people who will listen without judgement and will not try to fix our broken hearts.

Compassion isn't something that just comes with age.  I have met people that I thought might understand because of their age, life circumstances or their work, I was so wrong.  I'm learning that there are some really wise young people who get it.  For some, their families treat them like throw-aways and others come from horrid abuse. I guess my feeling is that we might regret being judgemental about who might or might not be a supportive friend.

 

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

This is how I've learned to do it too, still do.   "Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34 Makes sense to me! :) 

I love the quote.  Wish I could master it.  Every day I know will be the start of another.  I always wish I were wrong when I go to bed, but I haven't been.

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

This real fear is new to me.  Since when was I so afraid.  I have not been this afraid any of these 17+ months.  I hate this fear.

I don't know exactly when it changed for me, but somewhere past in ther 2nd year the reality hit that this was it.  He is never going to be a part of my life again and fear I have never experienced to this depth poured in.  I live with it daily.  I wish I could handle it a day at a time like I did.  There is something about 'knowing' it intellectually and feeling it so deep it can't be balanced in me yet.  I keep asking my counselors what I am waiting for, an epiphany that will relieve some of the ypain?  Make it livable enough to take some interest in something?  I can't imagine what it would be as each day seems to bring another thing to miss him for.  This is beyond the usual wanting him here physically.  This morning my sound system on the computer was buzzing very loud.  I fixed it as always.  Alone.  How I miss not calling for him to do it.  I've had to learn more things about running technology than I ever wanted to know.  I hate it, wasn't my job.  Now everything is my job and it's exhausting and depressing.  And on top of it I wonder how can I have these 2 jobs now and feel so empty and apathetic.  Grief it's a formidable advisary.  Right now it is bigger and stronger than me.  Just because I get up and dressed every day doesn't mean squat to me.  In bed I am afraid so I get up.  It just goes on and on.  I've never been in worse shape physically either.  I know the stress of my loss has intensified everything.  I went from being a slowly aging person to acceleration in the last year.  I'm trying to figure out what to do when crying just doesn't help much anymore.  

Better stop here.  I hate feeling pitiful and I do.  Something else I've never experienced.  Being an 'advanced member' now at 29 months also confuses me as I feel I am sliding more into the abyss of grief.  I truly have nothing positive to say about this adjustment.  Everything I do I knew I was capable of.  It's scary feeling worse every day.  I keep hearing nothing is wrong with me considering, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  

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Gwen,

I know how you feel.  Get up, do what you HAVE to and go back to bed.  Next day, repeat.  Not much to look forward to.  Go along pretty well until something unusual happens and the fear and anxiety comes flooding in.

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Gwen, it is when I am in bed that my mind has to be quieted.  It works in the daytime, I mean the wheels turn, not always they way they should turn, but I'm able to fight off the bad stuff.  Alone in the car ........... that is alone, and afraid.  That used to be my place of solitude, now it is fear.  I think I might be afraid I will forget I'm driving.  

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Same for me, Marg.   I have to really concentrate now.  I guess it's from not really caring about anything, but there are other people out there that do and I wouldn't want to take that away from them or add stupid wrinkles into thier lives.

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