Ooooh the envy

[Froggie4635]

Not sure where to put this post...last night while watching "Long Island Medium" there was a father looking to get a message from his son that had passed.  Something that was said really touched me and made me start to cry.  He was told that the reason he wanted to spend so much time with his son during his life was that somehow his soul knew he wasn't going to get much time with his son.  I always felt that way about Mark.  I ALWAYS wanted to spend my time around him...not only because I was in love with him so deeply, but that somehow perhaps I knew that he wasn't going to be in my life for very long and I wanted to get in as many memories as possible.  There are times I feel terrible that I took for granted that we would have YEARS and years to be together.  I know he left this world a contented man.

[Cookie]

20 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I love the quote.  Wish I could master it.  Every day I know will be the start of another.  I always wish I were wrong when I go to bed, but I haven't been.

I don't know exactly when it changed for me, but somewhere past in ther 2nd year the reality hit that this was it.  He is never going to be a part of my life again and fear I have never experienced to this depth poured in.  I live with it daily.  I wish I could handle it a day at a time like I did.  There is something about 'knowing' it intellectually and feeling it so deep it can't be balanced in me yet.  I keep asking my counselors what I am waiting for, an epiphany that will relieve some of the ypain?  Make it livable enough to take some interest in something?  I can't imagine what it would be as each day seems to bring another thing to miss him for.  This is beyond the usual wanting him here physically.  This morning my sound system on the computer was buzzing very loud.  I fixed it as always.  Alone.  How I miss not calling for him to do it.  I've had to learn more things about running technology than I ever wanted to know.  I hate it, wasn't my job.  Now everything is my job and it's exhausting and depressing.  And on top of it I wonder how can I have these 2 jobs now and feel so empty and apathetic.  Grief it's a formidable advisary.  Right now it is bigger and stronger than me.  Just because I get up and dressed every day doesn't mean squat to me.  In bed I am afraid so I get up.  It just goes on and on.  I've never been in worse shape physically either.  I know the stress of my loss has intensified everything.  I went from being a slowly aging person to acceleration in the last year.  I'm trying to figure out what to do when crying just doesn't help much anymore.  

Better stop here.  I hate feeling pitiful and I do.  Something else I've never experienced.  Being an 'advanced member' now at 29 months also confuses me as I feel I am sliding more into the abyss of grief.  I truly have nothing positive to say about this adjustment.  Everything I do I knew I was capable of.  It's scary feeling worse every day.  I keep hearing nothing is wrong with me considering, but it sure doesn't feel that way.  

 

Gwen:  As usual, I can relate to all you are saying.  It's been 22 months for me and if anything I'm having a harder time.  Wasn't prepared for this either; kept thinking it would get somewhat better.  I too get really scared that I'm feeling such deep grief still and feeling like there is no end to this.  My oldest dog is also winding down, the standard poodle he and I raised and loved together.  Having terrible triggering memories of his death; it seems so similar.  How to get out of this.....same as all of you; get up, go through the day, go to bed, start all over again.  Still hoping there is light at the end of this long tunnel.....Cookie

[Margm]

I don't know how to copy using this tablet.  I hate to be a downer, but maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is the same one I hope Billy saw.  I know there will never be happiness like we shared.  Fear is not new to me since I have my phobias I always had.  Still scared of dark, and this is dark.  Maybe there will be different degrees of dark.  And I am ready to move again.  But like the old saying goes, no matter where I go, there I am.  

[Gwenivere]

It dawns on me that I have spent over 2 years in a world I never knew existed.  It's all around me yet I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how familiar it looks, it's as alien as if I were dropped into some alternate reality.  I'm scared all the time, taking meds to try and control that yet I'm restless and lost.  I hate that crying often doesn't help anymore and places I go that brought me pleasure are but tasks to kill time.  That deciding what to have for dinner is exhausting now.  A friend said she used to admire my independence but she is sad that is gone.  It hurt to hear but is true.  I didn't only lose the world I knew but what made it a place I felt a part of the world I was ripped from landing.....here.  I don't even know where here is, but have to live in it.  I want to go home.

[AB3]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It dawns on me that I have spent over 2 years in a world I never knew existed.  It's all around me yet I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how familiar it looks, it's as alien as if I were dropped into some alternate reality.  I'm scared all the time, taking meds to try and control that yet I'm restless and lost.  I hate that crying often doesn't help anymore and places I go that brought me pleasure are but tasks to kill time.  That deciding what to have for dinner is exhausting now.  A friend said she used to admire my independence but she is sad that is gone.  It hurt to hear but is true.  I didn't only lose the world I knew but what made it a place I felt a part of the world I was ripped from landing.....here.  I don't even know where here is, but have to live in it.  I want to go home.

Gwenivere, you expressed exactly how I feel....like an alien dropped off into a foreign world. I couldn't feel more detached from reality and this existance. This is not my life, this is not my world, I'm just living in a shell...

[DaveM]

Gwen and AB3, you are absolutely right. We are now in a world in which we observe and interact in a way, but now as outsiders. We look around and see happiness, joy and togetherness, and those things are foreign to us. Some of us have family and friends who want to be supportive, but they simply cannot get it. You can't walk a step, let alone a mile in our shoes unless you are in the same place. And it's not a place from which you can return. There are no do-overs, although I pray for one every day.

[kayc]

Gwen, your post really moved me.  It struck me how much in love we all are and how it doesn't subside because they're dead.  

I never guessed our time together would be so limited, yet we always wanted to spend our time together, and we did.  Had I known, I couldn't have changed anything, we were already devoted to each other.

[Dr Lenera]

Snap! We seem almost like aliens, observing the actions and customs of some strange race that we may have been a part of in some half-remembered past. Many people try to be helpful and supportive, but they can't truly understand the way we feel, and we either have trouble putting it into words or feel awkward trying to explain it, almost as if we're speaking different languages and only understand a few words.

[AB3]

1 hour ago, Dr Lenera said:

Snap! We seem almost like aliens, observing the actions and customs of some strange race that we may have been a part of in some half-remembered past. Many people try to be helpful and supportive, but they can't truly understand the way we feel, and we either have trouble putting it into words or feel awkward trying to explain it, almost as if we're speaking different languages and only understand a few words.

Couldnt be more accurate here

[Cookie]

On ‎04‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 5:28 PM, Gwenivere said:

It dawns on me that I have spent over 2 years in a world I never knew existed.  It's all around me yet I have to keep reminding myself that no matter how familiar it looks, it's as alien as if I were dropped into some alternate reality.  I'm scared all the time, taking meds to try and control that yet I'm restless and lost.  I hate that crying often doesn't help anymore and places I go that brought me pleasure are but tasks to kill time.  That deciding what to have for dinner is exhausting now.  A friend said she used to admire my independence but she is sad that is gone.  It hurt to hear but is true.  I didn't only lose the world I knew but what made it a place I felt a part of the world I was ripped from landing.....here.  I don't even know where here is, but have to live in it.  I want to go home.

Oh, Gwen:  I feel like I want to "go home" too.  John was my home.  Yes, this is a different and very unpleasant place I too exist in now.  I keep trying to make something comfortable, but haven't had any luck so far.  Need a little hope.....looking for anything.  It is a comfort to hear the things I myself feel said on this site; a comfort in the sense that if others in grief feel this, maybe there is hope....I'm not irrevocably lost, the only one.....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

What I struggle with is something that struck me in a grief book.  That hope can become lost because we were betrayed by it.  It's one of the hardest things to get back.  I have been unsuccessful so far.  Living without it is a hell on earth.  Steve didn't take it from me, watching nature crush him while we tried so hard did.  I envy those that still feel it.  I've given up even looking for it.  I expended a lot of energy doing so.  The only thing I can think of is maybe someday something will happen to show me it stil exists.  I can say 'I hope the pain will ease, the memories bring smiles instead of tears, I will come to have more gratitude for having him, etc.', but I would be lying.  Hope is right up there with what I read that I was left behind for some reason.  There is no higher reason I was left here beyond he got a terminal disease and I didn't.  I can't delude myself to the physical reality of what happened otherwise I know a mistake was made as he was the one that had much bigger plans for his life than I did. My contentment was being along for the best ride I ever had that inspired me in the interests of my own we could share.  I've never been religious or spiritual, always logic.  It's cold and clear and a horrible companion in this case.

the worst part about losing hope was it took my own passions with it.  And yes, I really really want to go home.

[kayc]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

hope can become lost because we were betrayed by it.

I never thought of it in this way, but I have realized that an innocence was lost...an innocence that believed life today would go on tomorrow.  Never again can we take that for granted!  It changes how we view things.  But I still continue in the hope of being with him again.  For those that have a hard time believing in that, study the stars, planets, universes and beyond.  There is so much information, videos, etc., it helps me to realize this is not just it, there is so much more, we are but a tiny speck in the scheme of things, yet look how important our world is to us...and there is so much more we haven't begun to learn about...

[Gwenivere]

Innocence lost is an excellent way to put it, Kay.  However, for me, seeing the vastness of the universe or even the marvels of this planet don't help me feel there is more after death.  I know those will all continue on as they did before I came along.  I do envy your hope.  One good thing about this club if ours, it doesn't require we believe the same or say anyone is wrong in how they feel.  Our core pain is the same.  What we do with it from there that can influence/help others or maybe let someone know they can feel the same and it is OK.  

[Margm]

I have not read everything.  All I know is all my fairy tales had "happily ever after."  Then one day I read William Saroyan saying "Everybody has to die, but I always believed an exception would be made in my case.  Now What?"  He died the year before my cancer was diagnosed and I read those words afterwards.

I just bought another book.  Please Lord, don't let me get any more confused, depressed, alone, and a bunch more words.  It is called "The Heaven Answer Book" by Billy Graham.  It came from 1960 to 1995.  I know myself (well, that is a lie, I have no idea who I am), but I can damn sure tell you if he was my age writing it, not sure I would read it.  Not saying I am dumb.  I am not.  Sometimes I am brilliant.  But, it lasts too short a time to get it written down, and then it disappears.

 

[Gwenivere]

I have one more book on order and I am done with grief books.  I guess I'm just tired of reading more about what I already live and they are blending together with the same wisdom that this is the hardest challenge we will face.  The biggest validation is every one of us has our own way of doing this and there are no rights or wrongs except looking for shortcuts.  I looked at my bookmarks and I have so many about grief.  I'm starting to delete some because they are about early grief and I am into my 3rd year.  The thing I keep finding this journey will never end but just keep changing along the way.  

[Dr Lenera]

I have four grief books - ordered them all a few days after my better half died - and after reading two I'd had enough for a while, of being constantly reminded of my situation and how hard it is and how hard it will be [which I'm pretty much aware of anyway]. Quite often they tell you what you already know or at least partly know, they may recommend certain things to do but most of us have at least an inkling of what we should do to help ourselves anyway....it's actually doing them that's hard. But the other two books are there when I need them....

[Margm]

At first I read them to see if what I was feeling was shared.  Certainly it was shared by everyone here.  I find no one else is different.  We are not (politically incorrect term) crazy, even though if feels worse than at my craziest (and I have been there).

I read Kay Redfield Jamison's because she is bipolar, and I wanted to see how she handled both.  She got married again.

I knew my son's experience with "heaven" as we call it.  I wanted to read more.  And I read with fear.  I know now how everyone takes grief.  We grieve.

Heaven is another dimension I hesitate to read other's claims.  They came back, even though they did not want to come.  I want Billy to be safe and happy.  We certainly aren't.  I do read with some hesitation some books, and some I have to put down..  You cannot believe everything you read.  Except on here.  And as to the other, well, "I believe" (One of my CD's songs from the 50's.

[Margm]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 

I have one more book on order and I am done with grief books

 

Same here Gwen.  I think we are fully qualified and educated to grieve our own grief.  My last book I probably spoke about is on the Heavens.  I cannot count my other books, there are too many.  Enough to say  I supported Amazon for 18 months.  

I think we are on our own.  We have family here.  But grieving, I don't think any book can verify what we know to be true.  Hugs to you.

[kayc]

Marg,

Someone loaned me that Heaven book when George first died, not sure I found it very helpful but that's because I was in such a bad way then.  If I read it now I'd probably feel differently.  I don't even remember the names of the grief books I read but some I've found outdated thinking.  Like "The Five Stages of Grief".  I don't ascribe to that, some hit this stage, some another, some them all but in different order or back and forth or simultaneously.  No way do I think everyone hits them all in a certain order.  We're all different.  Some never hit anger stage, some never let go of it.  What we know to be true is our own experience with grief, we could probably write a book!

 

[Cookie]

I have also read all the "grief" books.  At first, they gave me hope because I thought, oh this will come to an end.  Now, I also feel a little hopeless.  It will be 2 years in June and in some ways I hurt more than I did and still don't see a future.  I really just want some peace.  I still get triggered so easily by everything.  Does that ever end, I wonder?  I can be in neutral (my description of not feeling intense pain) and then just some little thing will have me back in intense pain.  I am getting so tired of it.....I miss him so much...I can't see anything better in front of me.  I am also losing my standard poodle, Ranger; he's 13 and his winding down is so much like what happened to John almost 2 years ago.  It's gut wrenching.  He might have a week or two left....I feel like I can barely stand to lose him.  So much loss and sorrow.....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, kayc said:

some I've found outdated thinking.  Like "The Five Stages of Grief".

What we know to be true is our own experience with grief, we could probably write a book!

Most people are not aware that Kubler Ross wrote the 5 stages for the person that was dying.  It's been expanded for stages the survivors experience because they have to continue on.  Anxiety and panic, meaninglessness being a few of many.

i know we could all write our own books.  I lean towards reference books more than personal stories.  Reading details of someone experience takes me to mine and having lived it and filed those memories in a 'do not revist' place helps.  I talked an wept about that time at the beginnng.  Now it is finding a way to live with the fallout.  What I am experiencing in the now.  

Cookie, I am so sorry to hear about your dog.  I have one getting old and my last tie to our once full family.  We keep losing more and is so hard finding anything to come close to make those holes less deep.

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, too, Cookie, to learn about your Ranger. A pending loss of a beloved companion on top of the loss of your dear John. As Gwen said, these fur babies are indeed ties to our once full families, and they matter. A lot. Please know that I am thinking of you ♥

[kayc]

Cookie,

I am so sorry about Ranger.  It is so darn hard to lose our beloved furbabies.  Isn't it enough we lost our spouses? You're in my thoughts and prayers...

[Margm]

Cookie, my good friend had her pup relieved of his pain today also.  Her sister and brother-in-law are veterinarians.  Beans was a big eyed pup she had had for years.  My friend's daughter is studying to be a veterinarian also, to work with her aunt.  I am so sorry for your pup's illness.  My friend has all kinds of animals running around her house, lizards of all kinds, chickens, and she loves all of them.   I don't want us to have anymore pain.

[Gin]

Cookie...sorry for Ranger's decline.  These things are so very hard to deal with.