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It's only been 1-1/2 months since my husband passed on. It seems like forever and it seems like only yesterday both at the same time.  I'm going through the 'normal' grief processes.  Trying to get around people when I can.  We lived alone, so now I'm alone.  We were happy just the 2 of us and only visited family / friends occasionally.  Now, I'm trying to make sure I contact someone every day - even tho' I work full time - and get together with someone at least once a week.  It's a complete new life style change on top of everything else.  Even tho' I've made that an important change to make for my self-care - no one fills the emptiness.  I feel like I'm trying to find a new life amidst family and friends (who I love dearly by the way) that seem like strangers now- because I'm a stranger to myself without him.  From day to day - I don't know what hurts more - missing him - or missing who I knew I was when he was here - that person I can't find anymore.  I hope I can find some support here.  I've tried other groups online and get no responses to my posts.  Really need someone to 'talk' to.

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Maynard,

So sorry for he pain you are experiencing.  This is such a hard road for all of us.   It is good you came here.  I am sure you will find a lot of comfort and understanding here.  I still feel like my husband died recently (18 mos) and it also seems like forever since I saw him.  When you are ready, please feel free to tell your story.

Gin

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This new life without our beloved is not an easy one. We're living a life we never imagined without that one person that was perfect for us. I lost my dear and perfect for me wife Tammy two years ago, and honestly, the pain, loneliness and emptiness are still there. This isn't a loss you "move on" from. It's a question of learning to cope and just taking life moment to moment. It's a learning process. In time, you'll learn what works for you and what doesn't.

Surrounding yourself with people who care (as you are doing) is a good thing. Seeking wisdom from others who are grieving the loss of a soul mate (this forum, for example) is another wise move on your part. This forum's members have helped me get through some moments when I wasn't sure I had the wherewithal to survive without Tammy. I won't sugar coat it though, this is the hardest thing any of us will ever deal with.

Just cherish the time you had with your man (I know it wasn't enough time though) and live life with him in your heart. In a way, he can live on inside of you.

I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss.

Mitch

 

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Oh, Thank you Gin and Mitch both for your replies.  It is a comfort to hear from someone who knows what that pain is and is experiencing the same as me.  Sigh - I like what you said, Mitch "In a way, he can live on inside of you".  I try to think of that. Remembering the one of a kind person he was and watching for ways I can put some of what he gave to those around him back into the world for having known and learned from him. That's a hope - I haven't gotten there yet.  I'm also so sorry for both of you and the pain of your losses.  It is a comfort to be here with you.  I hope to get to know everyone more as I get where I can tell more about my story.  Thank you so much.  

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Welcome, Maynard. This place is a welcome respite in dealing with grief and loss.  My wife died suddenly 2 years and two months ago and this place has helped me tremendously in dealing with it.  Loss of identity, self, us,... widowed, single,... all labels to try to describe who we are now.  MartyT, has great resources, and many people here on various levels of their grief walk.  It is not a race to finish or master but rather to learn to deal with and cope.  I am glad you found us and hope you will stay and share when you are able.  - Shalom, George

 

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Hello Maynard,

I am so very sorry for the reason you are here but I'm happy that you found this place. I understand the emptiness you are feeling. My time without my beloved husband of forty years will be five years next month. It is difficult but I want you to know that it does get more manageable as the months and years pass. We do carry those we have loved in our hearts. Right now, know that we will be here so you do not have to feel alone. Not only is this a safe place to be but our forum is filled with compassionate people.  Others will be around to welcome you. 

Anne

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I know it's hard to comprehend what lies ahead.  I am into my 3rd year and like others above said, this isn't something we 'get over' but try and find ways to continue on besides mere existence.  You are new to this so you will feel so many things you never imagined.  There certainly is no way to prepare for this be it sudden or expected.  There are many here at about your timeline and hopefully they will add their validation to everything you feel and will feel on this journey.  There are some harsh realities to all of this, but knowing you are not alone helps because the loneliness is overwhelming.  What I have valued most is the honesty of those here because those on the 'outside' have no comprehension of how this does change us forever.  One word you may get tired of hearing but us so important is everything you feel is 'normal'.  Hold onto that.  It can save you on dark days or nights.

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Hello Maynard,

I am so sorry for your loss. It was last July that I lost my fiance LC. I can understand your feelings of lonliness. Its so difficult when the two of you spent time alone and now there is only you. I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out to others at this time.  It becomes easy to isolate yourself from others who don't understand what you are going through.  Know that you are not alone. This group is wonderful.  It is a godsend.  I am happy that you are here even though the circumstances that brought you here are sad. Take care and we all care about you.

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Thank you for your words, everyone.  The outpouring of understanding and caring here is almost overwhelming.  I didn't expect such connection so quickly.  Everyone so far is in the same world I'm in - no matter the length of time.  I don't feel so alone anymore.  Thank you.  I'll always be alone without him here with me, but all of you are filling that other void of having no one who understands me.  I have dear friends who love and care about me.  They've been by my side almost constantly since a few days before he passed.  They have been a true blessing - making sure I eat.  Calling and checking on me.  Getting me out of the house.  Even having me spend the night at their house a few times when I couldn't bare to sleep alone in my home.  They haven't lost someone this close to them, but they understand that I feel like I feel even if they can't relate - and walk through it with me.  They are starting to loosen the connection somewhat - I know they need to get on with their life, but still stay close as possible to me.  And I need to venture out on my own to stumble, fall and learn this new world.  Taking it slow - most of the time I don't want to even see the 'new world', but occasionally I think about it or try a small change.  Coming here is filling a void for me.  Not the void of him not being here - nothing will ever fill that one, but the void of connecting with people who know something about me that no one else does - like he did - is comforting.  Not that he ever had to understand these feelings about me...but just being understood is something.  He always understood me, even when nothing made sense.  He always knew just what to say or do.  He loved me unconditionally. In a way I feel a resemblance to that here...Thank you

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Maynard,

Welcome to our site.  We're like a family here, seeing each other through it all.  It really helps to be able to express yourself to those who understand and "get it".  I love my family dearly but they haven't been through this so can't understand what I live with on a daily basis, and they aren't here in my everyday life.  We mostly stay in contact by phone.

I find the loneliness is hard, and I continue to miss him and love him just as much as the day he died, it's been nearly 12 years now.  I get out almost every day (I'm retired but I volunteer) but it's not the same as having that person that cared about you more than anything in the world, we were number one to each other, soul mates through and through.  Missing that person you talked over your day with and did everything together with, it's the hardest thing we can go through, and then there's the absence of touch.

I've learned there is no right or wrong way to grieve, only "our way".  We have to do what feels comfortable to us.  We learn some balance between pushing beyond our comfort zone and giving ourselves time to get through this in a way that is right for us.

I'm glad you have some supportive people in your life.  All our friends disappeared when he died, but my sisters have been great even if they can't personally understand what they haven't been through.  They care.  So do my kids, but they're busy with their lives now more than ever.  I've found my pets to be a great comfort to me, at least they're someone to talk to even if they can't reply!

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We have pets.  We took in rescue animals and as many as we could care for at one time and gave them forever homes 'til their lives ended - making room for a home for another homeless animal.  The ones we have now are very old - all except for one, but my husband was very sick for a long time and as he weakened, caring for the animals became more and more my job.  We realized we had more than we could care for, but chose to stick it out and just not take in anymore.  It was very, very hard for me to care for him, our home, yard and the pets, while working full time during the last year that he was just getting worse and worse.  We were looking into moving to an apartment and even had considered having the old dogs put to sleep, so our lives (mostly mine) could be more bearable.  But now, even tho' the pets take up most of my time, it is not as hard as it was.  They give me comfort because he loved them and they loved him.  And they seem extra thankful now that he's gone that I'm still here with them.  That is something good.  I don't expect most of them to live more than a year or two, but will continue to care for them 'til then.  That's just the way we are (were).  Some people have told me to start 'thinning out' the pets.  I won't do that - can't handle more loss right now.  Besides - those 'some people' have no idea what they're talking about.  I've been given a lot of 'advice' by people who want to 'tell' me what I should do while all at the same time, not willing to lift a finger to actually help me with anything.  Guess, as I'm learning to try to connect to other people - I can clearly see those that it would be better to steer clear of or eliminate from my world all together.  I like your comment, kayc, that 'we have to do what feels comfortable to us and balancing between pushing beyond our comfort zone and giving ourselves time to get through this in a way that is right for us'.  That's good grounding to remember.  I never did let other people's ideas about what I should do matter much - I think that's a part of me I just found I still have and can keep.  Thank you, kayc

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On 4/18/2017 at 9:44 PM, iPraiseHim said:

It is not a race to finish or master but rather to learn to deal with and cope.

And that is our daily life, all of ours, no matter how long or how short.  We just learn to live each day where ever we are, and we know that no one else feels this pain but us.  We all suffer, we all hurt, none worse, none better..  And we learn to live with people that have no empathy, but sadly, we know one day they will understand also.  Sometimes our hurt escapes and others see it too.  Don't let them make you despondent because you know a secret that they will have to find out for themselves.  And they will, and they will understand your hurt.  Until then, you understand and the rest do not matter.  Come here often.  We understand. 

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I was appalled that people would tell you to begin thinning out your animals!  They're family, they're living creatures, what did they think you should do with them?!  Of course it's probably wise not to take on new ones if you're having a difficult time (or financially) taking care of the ones you have, but we don't just get rid of our animals!  How upsetting that would be to them!  I like how you think, you all are my kind of people!

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Thank you, Marg.  That is a comforting way to see people.  Not to stress myself by being irritated by them - they just don't know.  But like you say, we know something now that all other people will know themselves one day.  No one can comprehend until they've walked that path themselves, and few have empathy with what they don't understand.  It will help me to take those comments with empathy for THEM for the time they will find out.  I've said since I entered into this new world that one thing that never entered my mind before is that every couple who love, are happy, are one - together as one.  Each couple that unites, one of them will experience this pain at some point.  There are a few who pass together or within a few days apart, but most will end this way.  So we know we are blessed to have had our time of love, togetherness, oneness and happiness...and...are blessed to be left in this world, better as a person because we knew them.  When it's their time to travel on alone, it is our time to become a new person that, because we are the ones that truly knew their soul, get the mission to emulate their soul and who they were, and actually are through us, to those we come in contact with for as long as we are alive. 

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That's the same way I felt, Kayc.  Cody and I were often, looked at as - I don't know - something 'less' maybe...by some people we know and some family for keeping as many animals as we could take care of. For being who we are and loving living things to the point of sacrificing a few finer things for ourselves to help a few creatures that would otherwise be depressed, sick and lonely.  There are many people in my life that really mean to be helpful - they just don't care about life the way I do.  I had a couple of friends that I see occasionally, call me the day he died and sympathetically offered their help to me - not 'anything you need' or 'I'm here, call anytime', but offering that they'd be happy, when I'm ready, to come and go through his things for me so I wouldn't have to do that.  Huh...?  Neither of them ever lost a spouse...I know they thought that would be a kind thing to do.  They just don't get it.  Others say 'move to an apartment right away.'  Not going to happen, cause I'm not ready - still have most of his things sitting right where they were the last time he used them.  Then others say firmly - 'let me know what you need...I don't know what you need unless you tell me what you need.'  Well, I don't know what I need either.... Then others say get 'rid' of some animals.   I guess people who don't know what it is all about to lose your soul mate - think that's what they need to do - to step in to 'help' you 'fix' your life now because you don't have a partner to work with on it.  That makes you feel even more lonely.  I like Marg's thought that - they don't know, but one day will - so I can feel sorry for them and go on.  The non-animal people will always be that way tho'.  Even those who have one or 2 special pets that they treat as family - often don't understand where our hearts have been with helpless animals that awful people throw away.  I'm staying the course.  It's not easy, but was actually harder while he was alive, needing my help himself - for me to take care of the animals then than what it is now.  I made it through that, I will be here for and with these that are left.  3 are large and old dogs that are all going blind (usually happens as dogs age - cataracts), and I don't think moving them from their familiar surroundings would be fair - most definitely not sending them to live with anyone other than me.

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Maynard. Love all your thoughts. We have three dogs and a cat. One very old dog hanging on. Looks terrible...bag of bones, eats a ton, definitely probably the big "C".  BUT she appears happy and painfree so far. She is a rescue we have had for 13 years so dont know her age. She is terrified of vets so our vet has given us some medication to relax her and then they will come to our house to help her over the rainbow bridge...but for now she is happy. She is like the energizer bunny keeps on going. They all "help" me get up in the morning. BUT I can sure relate to your loneliness also. 4.5 months for me, 53 years together.

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2 hours ago, Maynard said:

So we know we are blessed to have had our time of love, togetherness, oneness and happiness..

We know this.  But, just like everything else, we don't feel blessed yet.  We just feel cheated.  I had Billy 54 years.  I wanted 54 more.  I know it does not make sense, but that is one thing about grief, you don't have to make sense.  If someone does not understand, it is not our problem.  It is like I have had to do with my memory, "oh well, what the hell."  Like I say, when I was 17 I had a washcloth in my hand and had gotten frozen peaches from the freezer (at my mom and dad's home, I was not married or even thinking of marriage, but obviously was oblivious to what I had done.  I left the peaches sitting on the tub, put the washcloth in the freezer.  Now tell me, how much worse am I now?  Can't explain it, don't try, just accept it and sometimes it is funny, sometimes maybe not.  It just is what it is.

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I'm new to this page today and really appreciate what everyone is sharing. The loneliness is unlike anything I've ever known. I lost my beautiful husband suddenly and unexpectedly when he died in his sleep Christmas night. So, I'm approaching 4 months and the loneliness seems to be getting more intense. Like many of you, I am blessed to have people around who want to support me, but what I really miss is just being alone together with him. I didn't even really realize how much that was a thing, but I sure miss it. Often we'd go long stretches of an evening speaking only rarely as we each went about our own activities, but I never realized how "together" that time really was. 

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Sometimes...every now and then...I feel blessed for having had that time with him instead of not having loved at all.  It's fleeting, but a welcome reprieve from the pain of missing him.  For that I'm thankful.  I'm still lost - don't know who I am, or what to do, but if I listen with my heart...I feel his love around me. I see his loving smile in my mind's eye...and I know I am healing ever so slowly, and he is there beside me - most of the time for now.  Only on another plane - another dimension.  Sometimes, he's not here - I think he's off having some great fun and seeing some wonderful things - so I'm happy for him.  We had 34 years together, and it's only been 40 days without him.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming I don't know how I'll get through this, and other times I have some peace, some quiet, and sometimes I can smile for the privilege of having lived and loved with him by my side.  I find comfort in remembering those fleeting moments and hope they come more often.

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Maynard, I, too, sometimes imagine my husband off doing something really wonderful and I also take comfort in that. I've been trying to use a mantra "I choose love over loss" every day. Not that the loss isn't there, of course, but I try to use his love as a legacy for remembering to look for the love in my current life and in my choices. Most days (if I remember) I try to give him a report and tell him 5 ways I chose love today. It sounds corny, but it does help me sometimes. I was with my husband 23 years - I truly thought we'd have at least 23 more. To me it's kind of an identity vertigo that I'm experiencing. Even when we weren't together in the course of a day, we always knew where the other was and what they were doing. It's so profoundly disorienting to not have that anymore, or to have it be so different at least. It's almost literally dizzying. 

 

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Adele,  I know.  We were exactly the same way.  Together without needing to speak or make great connections.  Together in soul and spirit all the time.  I believe that we are still together in soul and spirit - it's only my physical being that keeps me from being with him.  I believe he can and is with me often.  My husband was sick for a very long time. So long that we got used to knowing he would die from his disease, but adjusting to each new level of progression as 'the new way of life'.  When his body finally began to die, we still didn't realize he was leaving for real this time - that he wouldn't have a turn around and get a little better again - or that we wouldn't be able to adjust our life to a new way of living for him.  I had to tell him that I had made plans for finances if and when he died, that I would be OK and he didn't need to worry about me.  The doctor told me I had to do that because it was past time for him to die and he was holding out for me.  That was hard, but I did it.  I had to tell him it was OK for him to go and that I'd be OK.  I knew I wouldn't, but I knew I would be brave and do it for him - so he wouldn't have to suffer anymore.  And he said with tears in his eyes - 'Well, it's been a hell of a ride!"  and smiled - for me - then began the process of his body dying - quickly and in succession, each function began to fail, then finally completely failed - one at a time - until he finally stopped breathing in less than 4 days after that.  Walking and struggling one day - bed ridden and dying the next.  But - with all my knowing...with all my thinking I was prepared...the thought never once crossed my mind what it would be like to not have him here, to come home to any empty house that he would never be in again.  That was something I did not think to prepare for.  There is nothing like it.  I don't think anyone could prepare for it.  I love your last post!  That is so comforting and healing.  To 'Choose love over loss" and to ' use his love as a legacy for remembering to look for the love in my current life'.  I don't think what you do, telling him 5 ways you choose love, is corny at all.  The identity vertigo - that's the description of my experience too.

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Oh, Maynard, I am just weeping reading about your experience. What a beautiful and loving gift you gave him in telling him you would be okay and giving him your blessing (so to speak) to go on to whatever is next for him. Such courage and love for you both. In our case, his was a sudden death, no illness, no warning whatsoever. It helps me to know that even with months of knowing what was coming, you were still unprepared. I agree - I just don't think you can prepare. 

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Adele,

I am sorry for your loss.  Those few words don't begin to describe how I feel, but for lack of other words...

You've found a place you can come to and share your heart and be heard and understood, and that means a lot.  I've been here nearly 12 years and I'll be here as long as the site is.  It was a lifesaver to me when I lost my husband and I am still learning, growing here.

Maynard and Adele,

The ways you are choosing to cope with your loss are beautiful and inspiring.

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I probably have mentioned this before. (What part of my life have I not mentioned other than I weighed over 8 pounds at birth).  Okay, that is out of the way.  The funeral director (owner of the funeral home that Billy went to) was a little old man that had a smile painted on his little old face.  Constant.  Not a happy smile, just a painted on smile.  I considered how hard that must have been, but I know he was at least 12 years older than I am, so I can call him old.  I learned he had just lost his wife of 66 years and he was at her graveside every day.  I hurt.  I say how much I hurt.  I have gotten to where I get my groceries, head hung down, and my sister had to come up to me and grab me.  I don't see anyone.  I have grief, I have anger, I have despair, I have lost an ability I once had to smile at everyone, to look people in the eyes and smile.  It's okay if they don't smile back.  Yet, here is this little old man that has lost as much as I have and his mouth is trained to raise itself into a smile.  Sometimes I feel like if someone makes me angry I might hit them.  But yet he smiles.  He has been dealing with death probably over 66 years.  Still he smiles.  But, his eyes didn't smile.  

In Brookshires the checker told me "your the cutest thing" just off the cuff, she said that.  I had not been told that in over 18 months.  Billy used to say that.  I wanted to cry.  I quit wearing makeup when Billy left.  I have gained weight and as long as I have stretchy pants and my shirt does not sit on my hips I am comfortable.  Maybe I need to learn how to live again.  

So see, some people may bring us down to the floor, but maybe if I look up and smile, maybe my day might brighten.  Still, that part of me is saying, I don't want to smile. 

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