TerraN

Surviving Loss of a Loved One

5 posts in this topic

Hello,

Lost a close relative a week ago. Cannot accept it, yet I have to. In unbearable pain. Everything is triggering me. Feel so raw. Crying all the time. Then shutting down. Sleep deprived yet can’t sleep at night then catch up during day. Having Nightmares. Other relatives don’t understand. They are grieving differently. I suffer from chronic invisible illnesses, which seems to be getting worse. Everything seems so chaotic and dark. In such need of support but family abandons me. My health varies in severity, I suffer relapses and just when I need it the most they are gone. On top of it all this week they are lashing out at me, when I try my best to cope the best I can. Saying hurtful things messing with my head. How can they be so inconsiderate? When I am well I try helping out as much as I can. I have been losing any little support I had and not feeling well enough to find supportive places online earlier. I am not able to seek professional paid services like counselling due to health and financial reasons. I am Grateful this site exists.
I have none in real life as to close support they are in denial of my health conditions. One close relative has been distant for a year and now I am mostly alone. I am financially dependent on relatives, cannot work due to health. I have always been in extreme sadness at times and know that it is normal due to my health the way it is and used to it, but never felt this bad. I dread the future. I try to do self care now because it is essential to my conditions. ( CFS, Fibro, pain syndrome, allergies etc.) but it is so hard now to go on. I am in a daze of pain. Trying to have as much as I can eat even though no appetite, finding it had to remember to take my medicine, trying to be gentle on myself, trying to focus on surviving myself and making sure others are okay while dealing with loss. Others I live with share the same health problems as me but they deny and do not seem to take care of themselves, this worries me. These are just some of the things I am trying to cope with. I seem to be losing support and feel hatred from them more than before. It is all very discouraging.
The situation of losing my relative was very traumatic for me. It was drawn out for weeks.  It has been extremely stressful for my family last year. But for my relative It has been the worst suffering, more than I can imagine. Because of this I’ve tried to help her in small ways as I can. I wish them peace and have been praying continuously throughout this ordeal. I know they are in a better place now. I don’t want to talk much about this now in detail since this triggers me terribly.
I am grieving in the way that suits my health conditions, since I have to guard against relapses, intense stress like this being a trigger, but all I get is anger from others I live with, it even seems like hatred, when I really need active support. It is hard being attacked like this. I can’t focus and deal with everything that comes up. They don’t seem human sometimes. They will not slow down and take a minute to be by me. Nothing.  They act so distant when I feel so alone. Feel abandoned by everyone. Feel like I am in burnout, I am constantly puzzled at how they can be so cruel. They do not seen human at times. Feel like the ground has disappeared from under me. Very disoriented and confused.
Dealt with natural disasters. Still dealing with extreme heat events that happens unexpectedly and since the only way family seems to deal is by denial I am afraid we will be in for more trouble. I have lost a lot of  friends and relatives due to this only in the last 2-3 years alone. I seem to be in perpetual mourning these last years. These were healthy people that did too much in heat and simply collapsed. It is shocking. I can only be there for my family as my health allows, but they simply do not accept anything, argue as if this was the time for that. I am grateful to them and they do the best they can to help me as there can but it is frustrating. Feeling drained. Everything seems bleak. I try to listen and be there for them but I don’t seem to be getting through. They try to shut me up all the time. Now I just stay away from them only seeing them when I have to. I don’t expect much of them and it is hard to be consistent without anyone agreeing to anything I say, it has been like a game for them. They do not seem to be able stop being abusive even though I tell them to stop.
We are struggling financially as well and I try to get better as much as I can with the resources I have and not be a burden. It is a comfort finding this site. I did not know what grieving was until I found it. I have read many articles and it has been very helpful. Everyone seems so kind here.
I have found some good health related groups too but have not had the strength or time to participate. Since  I am pushing through day by day with my symptoms, it has been personally very overwhelming, even though others do not see anything wrong outwardly. I suffer a lot in other ways, but this has been devastating to me.
I know people go through the same and worse. I am grateful for the blessings in life. I am trying to keep hopeful, be positive and have faith. Thank you for reading. God bless.
 

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I am sorry for all you are going through.  It's important to grieve our way.  We are all individual and grief will look differently for each of us.  One of the good things about this site is knowing we are heard and understood.  It's good to have our feelings validated.

In reading your story I thought of Job (in the Bible), if you read his story I'm sure you can relate to how he's feelings.  

CFS is debilitating.  I hope you continue the push for disability.  I know it's hard to get it for CFS, it's as if it's discounted since it's not something seen, but it's very very real to the person that has it.  Keep trying, you will need it and it'd be good to have something coming in for yourself so you wouldn't have to be dependent on family.

You are looking for positive things and that is good, even in, ESPECIALLY in grief.  It's easy to lose sight of what is good, that's why it's so important to embrace what is good even while it may be hard to find in grief.  Good continues to exist, sometimes we just have to look for it. :)

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Dear Terra, I am sad with you as you go through these struggles.  I wish I could give you a big hug. I'm glad this site has encouraged you, and I also hope you can find the support you need near at hand.  In the past 8 years I have lost my oldest daughter, my sister-in-law, my husband, and my mother, and in all this, I found support from friends at church and from a group called griefshare (griefshare.com).  You may be able to find a group near you, and you can also sign up for daily encouraging messages from griefshare.

I don't know what your physical limitations are exactly, but there may be some alternative health approaches that would help.  One site I often consult is mercola.com.  You can put a topic in the search bar and often find many helpful articles.  It's free.  

It seems so dark when we are in the middle of such a huge loss, but there is sunshine on the other side of the clouds.  You will get through this, and be stronger because of it.   God is there for you, and He will hold your hand all the way, as He did for me. Isaiah 43:1-3, Hebrews 4:14-16.   I am praying for you.

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I like the idea of daily encouraging messages, that's neat.  I'm sorry for all of your losses, foodcooppres.  

11 hours ago, foodcooppres said:

It seems so dark when we are in the middle of such a huge loss, but there is sunshine on the other side of the clouds.

Loss changes us and it changes our world.  Although things will never be as they were before and our grief continues, we do learn to cope with the changes it means to us.  It has helped me to embrace what IS rather than focus solely on what ISN'T, but I admit, it takes concerted effort, although worthwhile to practice.  Some days we do better than others.  I have learned to embrace my grief and flow with it rather than fight it.  What I have learned was not quick or easy (I'm on my 12th year) so don't give up if it's a struggle.  I think it's a struggle for all of us, but every day we wake up it's a new day and we give it another go.

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55 minutes ago, kayc said:

I like the idea of daily encouraging messages, that's neat.  I'm sorry for all of your losses, foodcooppres.  

Loss changes us and it changes our world.  Although things will never be as they were before and our grief continues, we do learn to cope with the changes it means to us.  It has helped me to embrace what IS rather than focus solely on what ISN'T, but I admit, it takes concerted effort, although worthwhile to practice.  Some days we do better than others.  I have learned to embrace my grief and flow with it rather than fight it.  What I have learned was not quick or easy (I'm on my 12th year) so don't give up if it's a struggle.  I think it's a struggle for all of us, but every day we wake up it's a new day and we give it another go.

Thanks, kayc.  My greatest comfort is knowing I will see my loved ones again in Heaven, and that they are in the best place.  All of them knew the Lord.

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