Am I Expecting Too Much?

[DanyGreen]

It has been a little over five weeks since I lost my husband to complications from undiagnosed Esophageal cancer.  His passing was sudden and for the five days while he was on life support very traumatic for myself and our two children, a son who is 16 and a daughter who is 10.  My daughter has shown an extreme amount of resiliency but my son is having difficulty re engaging with his life - school, friends and athletics.

Everyday I wake up and think that today is the day that he will have a "normal" day and go to all his classes and activities, but I am disappointed everyday because that doesn't happen.  There is always some twist that causes the day to derail.

Our grief counselor is watching closely but am I expecting too much from him?  Am I putting too much pressure on the three of us?  We are told to get back to a routine but grief is standing in the way.

I am so fearful that my son will become a negative statistic to his father's death.  

What have any of you experienced?

[Gin]

DanyGreen,

So sorry to hear of your loss.  I can not speak from experience since I had no young children when my husband died.  I would imagine that it would be very hard on your son because he has the added problem of going through adolescence.  I am sure others here who have young children will shed more light on this.  So glad you have a grief counsellor to help your family.  This is such a hard road to travel.

[MartyT]

I thought of you and your children, DanyGreen, when I read this article just now in The New York Times: How to Build Resilient Kids, Even After a Loss

In addition to learning about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, I also think the best thing you can do for your children's grief is to take care of your own grief first. When you understand what you are thinking and why you may be feeling as you do, you're in a much better position to manage your own reactions, as well as those of your kids.

That said, I invite you to read some of the articles listed here: Children, Teens & Grief. See especially Teen Grief: Mourning the Death of a Parent ♥

[kayc]

I am sorry for your loss, and to go through that with children still at home, that is hard.  We were newly empty nesters so I can't speak to this...my son was in the Air Force and my daughter had just come home for a visit.

I'm glad you have your son in grief counseling.  Even adults have a hard time re-engaging in life, some go back to work right away, some can't seem to make it out of the covers.  We all handle grief differently.  I wouldn't be hasty to assume anything at this point.  Yay, I see Marty has just responded!

[Adele]

I'm so sorry for your loss, DanyGreen. It will be 4 months tomorrow for me. My husband died in his sleep Christmas night - just didn't wake up. He had an undiagnosed heart condition, so we had no warning at all; he appeared perfectly healthy. It still leaves me breathless just to write it. Our daughters are 11 and 14. They are both in counseling also and are handling it SO differently that literally the only thing they have in common about it is that they both lost their dad. I know it feels like forever in some ways, but I think 5 weeks is virtually nothing in the life span of this kind of loss. It is overwhelming to consider that we are just at the beginning of this process, but we really are. Of course I don't know your son or you, but it sounds very normal to be struggling still, struggling hard. 

I'm finding it overwhelming to figure out how to parent through this - how could it feel otherwise really? I know my kids are in deep water, but so am I. And I worry all the time about whether I'm doing what I should be doing. Plus, just figuring out how to run a household and do the household work and parenting of 2 adults instead of 1, plus the finances, plus... At 4 months into this journey, I feel physically sick when I think back to the 5 week mark. So, that tells me that it has gotten some better since then! I don't know any of you, but I want to throw my arms around you and your children and hug you forever. It was that bad at 5 weeks. I wish I had something great to say that would bring you comfort, but I don't. I will just wish you peace and another step in front of the last one.

[Polly]

DanyGreen,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband has been gone for almost 18 months now. My youngest daughter was almost 16 at the time. She was a mess. I was too. She went back to school about a week after he died. It was too much for her to handle. I ended up taking her to her doctor. Her dr. was also my husbands dr. He ended up writing a letter to the school to excuse her whenever she wasn't up to being there. I also stayed in close contact with her guidance counselor. She also was in a grief support group with other kids that lost close loved ones. That helped her a lot. I needed help with her because at the time I couldn't even help myself. She went through phases where she would tell me at times that she wished she would die or that she just wanted to kill herself. I can remember not knowing what to do or to say to her. almost 18 months later and she is doing a lot better. We both still have times that the grief hits us. We just take it one day at a day.

[Marie Lee]

This is no easy journey Danygreen, you have friends here...prayers for you and your children.. hugs..Marie

[Compassion]

     You seem to be doing such a good job navigating the loss of your husband. You are aware of your needs and the needs of your children. How truly amazing you are.

     I have not lost a spouse, but I have been a young adult who lost a parent suddenly. I went to counseling on my college campus and I began to spend more time at church. Knowing that there is a God who loves me and would take care of me, helped me a great deal. My brother had the hardest time because he was trying to figure out how he would fill my father’s shoes. No one expected him to do that, but he placed a huge burden on his shoulders that tried to overwhelm him.

     I don’t know what your son is thinking or feeling. Have you considered asking the counselor about any stated concerns that your son has expressed and the counselor’s plan for helping him to navigate those concerns in a healthy way? I definitely think that you should pay attention to your maternal instinct. If you feel that he is not handling this well, you should definitely speak up. What do you think about speaking to a different counselor about your concerns?

     Grieving is different for every person. I know that there are stages of grief. However, you know your children and yourself better than the counselor. If something doesn’t feel right, I think it is always right to go after another opinion and additional help.

     For our family, we were strengthened by talking to each other, going to church, and building/creating new family traditions. As a family, we had to find our new normal.

     Your children are so fortunate to have such a balanced and clear mother. Keep taking care of yourself. I know that this is all going to begin to hurt less and that you will all be able to remember and to talk about all the good time that you have shared and that you will share together in the future. In my opinion, mapping out a future is very important to keep everyone connected and balanced.