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Just one of those days....


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I'm feeling kind of down today and a bit irritated. Really missing the little things and even the big things. I just really miss my old life. I miss being happy. Sometimes all this just gets to me mainly because I keep it all to myself.  I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so I spend everyday going through the motions and holding all the pain and sadness inside. Sometimes I don't know how to keep going but I still try to. I just wish I had someone to talk to or cry to every once in awhile. It's hard putting on a brave face every day....I'm tired.

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That was me yesterday, so I know exactly how you feel.  Not having someone to talk with or cry with is really hard, but coming here does help.  If I hadn't found this forum, I would probably be in an institution by now, so keep coming back, keep posting, the people here do care and it does help.

Joyce

 

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Good mornin' AB. Does the saying "been there, done that" ever apply? When we get on one of those plateau's during this peaks and vally's thing, what doesn't that ground ahead of us ever level off so there aren't any more vallies? That's asking to much though. I sure do feel for you tho. Another saying...I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. But somehow life does have to go on. That ole one foot in front of the other thing gets a bit tiresome sometimes, but what other (good) choices do we have? Here's hoping and praying that your day gets better!

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Has anyone watched the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why"?? It's based off a book about a young girl who leaves behind tapes detailing each situation or person that caused her to chose to end her life. I'm sorry if suicide is a touchy subject for anyone here but I'm sure many of us could probably understand the position of why people chose to do so. I'm not suicidal or anything but I can understand feeling hopeless and alone. Coming here does help but out in the real world I feel like I'm invisible walking right through people.....no one sees me or feels me....I'm just here. 

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It's the damn stupid things that get to me the most. Yesterday, doing some errands, the rips in the steering wheel cover jumped out at me. The cover is old, but chosen by Ron. The rips are from his driving the truck he loved so much, HIS truck, only now it is my truck. I don't think it will ever feel right.

And yes, AB3, I feel invisible also.

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8 hours ago, AB3 said:

out in the real world I feel like I'm invisible walking right through people.....no one sees me or feels me....I'm just here. 

AB3 - so true.  In the 'real' world, - when I think about it - that's the way it always was.  I had Cody, and that's where I belonged - fit in -  mattered.  When I had that - the 'real' world was the 'unreal' world to me - we were REAL, so the outside world didn't matter to me.  Now that he's gone, there's no where for me to belong, but that world outside of US is still just as unreal as it always was. It would be nice to heal enough to have peace in just being me, and not having to feel like the ugly duckling among strangers. Sometimes I have hope that I won't always be lonely.  I may be alone always - but it would be nice to have peace with myself and not be lonely.  Maybe that's possible, even if only in moments of time.  I hope so.

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ABC my heart goes out to you I have not been around in months I have been slowly finding my way using what I learned from  this amazing site and people you are not invisible people outside of our circle just don't understand and never will unless unfortunately they experience it , I am slowly learning and accepting that yes I am a widow but I am also so much more I am a mother a friend , I am someone who has been touched by death and now appreciates life and the little things, you are not invisible or alone you will find your way and you have a family here who cares deeply hugs to you

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20 hours ago, AB3 said:

Has anyone watched the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why"?? It's based off a book about a young girl who leaves behind tapes detailing each situation or person that caused her to chose to end her life. I'm sorry if suicide is a touchy subject for anyone here but I'm sure many of us could probably understand the position of why people chose to do so. I'm not suicidal or anything but I can understand feeling hopeless and alone. Coming here does help but out in the real world I feel like I'm invisible walking right through people.....no one sees me or feels me....I'm just here. 

Our pastor talked about it last week...he told us about someone who made a clip about "Why not".  This is a scary movie because if a young person is unstable and leaning towards it anyway, it could be the straw that broke the camel's back and send them over the edge past no return.  

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21 hours ago, KarenK said:

It's the damn stupid things that get to me the most. Yesterday, doing some errands, the rips in the steering wheel cover jumped out at me. The cover is old, but chosen by Ron. The rips are from his driving the truck he loved so much, HIS truck, only now it is my truck. I don't think it will ever feel right.

And yes, AB3, I feel invisible also.

It is the things that you would think would not bother you. Yesterday, I switched out the comforter and sheets on our bed. Getting too warm for what we had on so it "hits" me HARD last year at this time he was here and I did not know of this awful pain in my heart. I think when winter comes I will purchase new bed linens...I dont want to put the other ones back.

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On 4/27/2017 at 1:24 PM, AB3 said:

Has anyone watched the Netflix series "13 Reasons Why"?? It's based off a book about a young girl who leaves behind tapes detailing each situation or person that caused her to chose to end her life. I'm sorry if suicide is a touchy subject for anyone here but I'm sure many of us could probably understand the position of why people chose to do so. I'm not suicidal or anything but I can understand feeling hopeless and alone. Coming here does help but out in the real world I feel like I'm invisible walking right through people.....no one sees me or feels me....I'm just here. 

Yes, I watched it. It was both surreal and sad.  I remember  a very dark period in my life many years before I met my beloved wife, Rose Anne.   Feelings can be very dangerous things when not comparing to the actual facts.  Grief can really mess with our emotions. I have had a very rough month on many levels.  My feelings tend to spiral down.  Now I recognize it and use the tools I learned to help me see a different perspective.  FEELINGS point me in the direction of facts but they are not always FACTS.   

When I feel invisible, I need to get out of my comfort zone and smile at a stranger, say high to a passer by; ask for help/directions.  Call/visit a friend.  Go do something that is new and different.  Go help someone, be a friend. 

Everywhere, even here, is a real world.  With MartyT and this forum, we have found a way to communicate our grief to like-minded souls and help each other on their grief journey.

Our hope really comes from something greater than ourselves. Higher Power, Cosmic Consciousness, God.  Whatever you want to call it.  I am a weak vessel but God can use weak vessels to display His great power.  There is a reason and purpose in each of our lives and we affect people that we are not even aware of.  

I ask myself," What am I supposed to be learning from this grief?"  I am learning to take care of myself, physically as well as I took care of other people in my life.  I review my gratitude list often. What is my passion? How can I live fully in today?  

Today's Scripture... "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything of praise, think about these things." (Phil 4:8)

Seek out your hope that is greater than yourself.  - Shalom

 

        

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Dear AB3,

I so remember feeling exactly as you do.  I see and hear your pain.  I encourage you to keep coming here as it is such a wonderful safe and supportive place and there is always someone here to listen I have found over the years.

I do encourage you perhaps to seek out someone, a grief counselor, a support group, as well as here.  It is such a heavy load to carry alone.  I have found that sharing my pain lightens it and makes it feel like something I can get through.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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9 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything of praise, think about these things." (Phil 4:8)

A good verse for today!

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14 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

 Now I recognize it and use the tools I learned to help me see a different perspective.  FEELINGS point me in the direction of facts but they are not always FACTS.       

What tools have your learned?  I'm still trying to plug along with this new reality....  You named a few in your post that I think are great to try when needed, but where are you learning tools to deal with all the different feelings, attitudes and upheavals?  I've been trying to get in a GriefShares support group training, but none are being given right now in my area - will be in several months.  I have a therapist, and see him 1x a month but we're focusing on finding the one thing in each session he can point me in the right direction on.  There's not enough time in an hour to get into complete grief work guidance.  He focuses on whatever is forefront in my mind/emotions at that time, then I work on that one thing for awhile.  I'm feeling good positive support and understanding here, and it's a great relief to be able to just vent or talk about things.  Picking up some tools here and there that others share, like what you did in this post - but where do I find out about these tools?  I need to build a tool box!

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My friend, if you're looking for "grief work guidance," you'll find a lot of it right here on our Discussion Groups website. I invite you to look over some of the threads in our Tools for Healing forum. There you'll find all sorts of resources recommended by our own members, such as our Grief Bibliography; Videos Worth Watching; Articles Worth Reading; Meditation; Webinars for Personal Growth and Healing to name a few. See also this Pinterest board, Tools for Healing

And you may find this article helpful as well (including the Related Articles and Resources listed at the base): Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

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AB3, your descriptions and comparisons are great.....When Angela was with me, whether we were having a good time, boring time, it was being shared with your partner. Even a meal at a restaurant is so different.....I never eat in a restaurant now. This Journey has a lot of Pit stops, and setting up a Romance free social circle is very important......I find the same people(and Age group) are involved in a lot of similar events so you meet similar people......things to improve if you engage yourself......good luck kevin

 

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7 hours ago, Maynard said:

What tools have your learned?  I'm still trying to plug along with this new reality....  You named a few in your post that I think are great to try when needed, but where are you learning tools to deal with all the different feelings, attitudes and upheavals?  I've been trying to get in a GriefShares support group training, but none are being given right now in my area - will be in several months.  I have a therapist, and see him 1x a month but we're focusing on finding the one thing in each session he can point me in the right direction on.  There's not enough time in an hour to get into complete grief work guidance.  He focuses on whatever is forefront in my mind/emotions at that time, then I work on that one thing for awhile.  I'm feeling good positive support and understanding here, and it's a great relief to be able to just vent or talk about things.  Picking up some tools here and there that others share, like what you did in this post - but where do I find out about these tools?  I need to build a tool box!

Maynard,

I pick up these grief tools in many different places.  I have read at least a dozen books, and many articles that are available here by MartyT, and all of her resources.  I also started reading some of the first posts in this forum from several members to see how they cope with grief. You are welcome to read mine. "Shock and Awe" posts. 

It is a gradual day by day process. I listen to others here and try them and see if it works for me.  Everyone is different. I like to journal because it is just like talking to my wife and sometimes I am comforted by it.  I had trouble breathing and sleeping initially. Suggestions here help me to seek help to get good sound sleep to repair my body.  Grief takes a lot of energy.  A grief therapist specializes in grief. I found a grief toolbox website.  I just did much searching for answers. I prayed when I could. 

I strive to live in today. Projecting about tomorrow sets me up for pain.  When the feelings come, I just let them flow. I try to remember all of the good times my wife and I shared a life together.  I am thankful to know she loved me and she knew I loved her more each day.

If I can remember more I will post for you. -----Shalom, George

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Thank you Marty and George - I'll start reading.  I've always seen every life experience as a reason to grow and learn.  As painful as it is, I'd like to see if this grief work can be a growth experience as well as healing and learning how to cope in my new world.

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Hello everyone, I so needed to read all this today. Still struggling....in every way, really....as we all are.

We had Evelyn's first birthday party here Sat....it was beautiful....had a professional photographer to capture the family,etc...It's not often both children, their spouses and grandchildren are together...

I try to stay in the moment, but I can't help but be a tiny bit sad inside, I have a pic of me ant my grandbabies....I picture Kev right behind us, with his big lumberjack arms around us....

I have some major financial decisions to make without my rock. I don't mind putting myself out there at meetups, etc....but I do get so tired of making myself stay strong, be social,reach out ...doing everything alone.....

Will I ever get used to that?

With love to all, Marie

ps a scripture I had today was of Paul saying forgetting the past and pushing forward to the future....

 

trying to to find that energy to push forward....

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I'm having some heavy financial decisions to make right now too.  I ran my thoughts by a guy I work with.  He's always seemed to make good sound decisions for his family - that I know of.  It was good to discuss the different angles and he brought up some questions that I hadn't thought about.  I don't feel as shaken and scared now.  Still have some more thinking to do, but it was very helpful to use a 'stand in'  for talking out financial dilemmas.  Guess I'm going to be getting used to that now.

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I feel very fortunate I have a financial advisor that watches over everything.  Steve used to love discussing money stuff, all I wanted to know was we were OK.  Spare me the details.  Having to do the taxes now is more than I can stand.  Instant headaches. 

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23 hours ago, Marie Lee said:

Hello everyone, I so needed to read all this today. Still struggling....in every way, really....as we all are.

We had Evelyn's first birthday party here Sat....it was beautiful....had a professional photographer to capture the family,etc...It's not often both children, their spouses and grandchildren are together...

I try to stay in the moment, but I can't help but be a tiny bit sad inside, I have a pic of me ant my grandbabies....I picture Kev right behind us, with his big lumberjack arms around us....

I have some major financial decisions to make without my rock. I don't mind putting myself out there at meetups, etc....but I do get so tired of making myself stay strong, be social,reach out ...doing everything alone.....

Will I ever get used to that?

With love to all, Marie

ps a scripture I had today was of Paul saying forgetting the past and pushing forward to the future....

 

trying to to find that energy to push forward....

Marie:  I feel for you.  Yes, it's so hard to have to do this all alone now.  I still feel it at almost 2 years.  Tired of being the one to make all the decisions.  Also tired of the work of everything, wondering when it gets easier at some time.  Cookie

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On 2017-04-30 at 0:11 PM, Maynard said:

What tools have your learned?  I'm still trying to plug along with this new reality....  You named a few in your post that I think are great to try when needed, but where are you learning tools to deal with all the different feelings, attitudes and upheavals?  I've been trying to get in a GriefShares support group training, but none are being given right now in my area - will be in several months.  I have a therapist, and see him 1x a month but we're focusing on finding the one thing in each session he can point me in the right direction on.  There's not enough time in an hour to get into complete grief work guidance.  He focuses on whatever is forefront in my mind/emotions at that time, then I work on that one thing for awhile.  I'm feeling good positive support and understanding here, and it's a great relief to be able to just vent or talk about things.  Picking up some tools here and there that others share, like what you did in this post - but where do I find out about these tools?  I need to build a tool box!

Dear Maynard,

I remember having and feeling the same question when I began my journey of healing from loosing the love of my life.  Good for you for asking for some help with this.  Marty's post gives you so much information and resources and are so invaluable! There is one book I still refer to and it is called "Life after Loss bye Bob Deits"  I found and find the discussion boards here so valuable.  I remember when I first joined it was hard for me to say anything.  I spent a lot of time just reading other's posts before I even posted myself.  I find that there is healing in being able to put words to how I am feeling and sharing and it seems to lighten the load and the pain more tolerable.

For me, it was a case of trying different things till I found the tools that work for me.  I like to write; I have several journals, one is an ongoing letter you might say to my Melissa.  I have a gratitude journal I like to write in before I sleep.  I try to write 5 things that I am grateful for each night.  Somehow it helps me to have a better night of sleep if the last things I am thinking on are the things I am grateful for. I also have a journal that I is titled "My Anger" and when I feel angry I try to write about it in this journal and it helps to soothe it. I also like to write poetry.  I love guided imagery and find it so very useful.  I also make time to grieve for I tend to run away from tears when I feel them coming and now when I feel them coming I make the time to let them come and let them flow.

Encouraging you to find the tools that work for you and have a toolbox that you can draw from.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Carol Ann,

I have a "letters to George" file in my computer, it's also an ongoing letter.  Our relationship began with writing so it seems only natural we should end up that way...the only difference being I don't get a response, but my faith continues in "us" and I know he'd write back if he could!
 

I, too, believe in journaling, it helps so much to express ourselves!

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