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Today is my 21st wedding anniversary. It's also been 1 month to the day that I lost my soul mate, best friend, and the love of my life. I feel like a shell of a person walking and talking but not really there. Sometimes I even wonder if that life was a dream or if this life I am living now is a nightmare.
I honestly have moments where I feel like I can't survive without him but I get up, I eat at least once a day, I take a bath, check my glucose, take my shots, do the housework and the cooking that I am able to do, I go to the grocery store, pay the bills, do the laundry, and I  have been going through all Brian's belonging. For every item that leaves the house I feel like I lose him again. I had to take the sacks of his clothes and shoes to my daughters home because I just couldn't give them away. 
I may feel like I'm dying inside but only my pillows know the wracking sobs that happen at bedtime when he isn't there, the house is empty and quiet, and I don't here his content breathing in sleep.

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Dear One,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your soulmate. I love your picture with Brian. This is a journey that has no timetable. Remember to do only what is right for you. I understand about keeping possessions of our loved ones. We do with them what is right for each one of us. My beloved Jim died five years ago next month and I still have some of his things in drawers. There are items that I can't make decisions about even today.  It is important to take care of yourself and it sounds like you are doing that. I hope you have someone to talk with if you feel the need. Your grief is very fresh so please take the time to do only what you feel is right at the time. The people who come here are caring and good listeners. I send you hugs.

Anne

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Dear Nightwinds

I am so very sorry for the loss of the love of your life.  Thank you for sharing your wedding photo with us!  I know your pain and I remember how very much it felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces!  I see your pain so clearly and I encourage you to keep on sharing for I believe it helps.  This is a safe and supportive place here.

I so remember feeling like that too!  A shell of a person and feeling like things were surreal!  Still so fresh for you; I encourage to take care of yourself, and do only what you feel is right and you have energy for.

My wife chose suicide December 25, 2003 and I still have her favorite sweater which I am wearing right now.  I still have some of her things in our dresser.  There are no right and wrongs.  Do what you need.  Encouraging you.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Oh, Nightwinds my heart goes out to you.  I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.  You are a lovely couple in the picture, and so happy.  Where there is great love and was great happiness - there is great pain in grieving.  You are getting back at 'life' much sooner than I did.  Some of the things you're getting at and doing - going to the grocery store and going through and giving away his things - are things I still haven't been able to do.  I lost my Cody right at 2 months ago tomorrow, and there are rooms in the house that I haven't touched yet. 

I'm finding that I need a lot of rest - grieving is exhausting.  So when I feel rested, have the time and want to I go through a small portion - I do, otherwise I don't do that type of thing.  The grocery store has been hard for me.  Every isle I see something in that he loved and was happy when I brought it home - every isle makes me cry.  I've been there 2x since he died - I'm buying a few things at the dollar store and mostly eating out.  I even tried going to a different grocery store, but that didn't help - I'll get it worked out - but I'm not there yet.  Just a couple of weeks ago I cleared his things off the bathroom sink and threw away the shaving stuff and hair brush/comb.  I couldn't bare it before, but when I was ready and did it - I was OK with it.  His desk in the dining room - although I've gone through the drawers - everything on the top is exactly where he left it still today. 

A few days after he passed, I came home from being at a friends house, because I wasn't able to be in the house alone for awhile, and found everything still right where it was when we left for the hospital. He had been in hospice at home for only 1 day before being transferred to hospice in the hospital to die.  I had been home before that, but wasn't able to change anything - even the wrappers and empty medicine boxes on the bedside table next to the hospital bed had to stay right where they were - I couldn't bare to move them.  This time, I felt good about throwing away the bottles of morphine and Ativan.  I was OK after doing that, so I moved to the kitchen where the last prescribed pain medicine bottles were sitting on top of the microwave - I threw those out and was OK.  I decided to take down the gallon size zip lock bag that I had kept all his meds in for 10 years or more.  Every Sunday, I went through the bag, doled out the week's doses in his weekly medicine container and assessed what needed to be refilled that week, making a list to call the pharmacy to go pick up refills.  I thought I was ready for that too.  I took each bottle out and emptied it in the trash, then dropped his weekly medicine container in - I started crying and hurting after about the first one or two bottles, but kept going - by the time I was done I was in total melt down.  I was so upset I couldn't even drive to a friend's house to get help - I called and they came and got me.  I was a basket case for the rest of the day and way into the night.

Little by little I change something now - sometimes days or weeks have gone by with making no change at all.  His dirty clothes are still in his hamper - I'll wash them and decide what to do with them when I'm ready.  On the other hand, I've been able to give some (a few) things to some people that were special to him.  I know they are also grieving losing him and are honored and appreciative to have them.  It has made me feel good because I know those people see his special things as treasures and keepsakes - they will always honor him through having them.  And I think they are things he would like those people to have and enjoy. 

Anyway - I shared that just to say - be good to yourself.  Don't do anything that makes you hurt.  Our wounds are fresh and open very easily - we need time to heal and it's OK to do only what you feel comfortable with doing and only when it doesn't hurt to do it. 

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Nightwinds,

I'm sorry.  I know we can't "fix" this for you, it's a journey we must all do for ourselves.  You are doing it, one bit at a time as you are able.  Some people change things, some leave everything the same, we all must find the way that is best for us and do that.  I have basically left things the same but I have let go of his stuff little by little, yet there are things that will remain of his always.  I still have his hat hanging up on the hook, his robe on my closet door, his dish where he threw his trinkets, keys, etc.  I have let go of most of his clothes.  I tossed his false teeth and toothbrush, toiletries little by little as I felt able.  There is no hurry, no timeline to adhere to.  He had several colognes and aftershave, they were still good and most of them pretty full.  We had a white elephant at our church (Christmas) so I wrapped them up and put "for a man" on the outside of the package.  Whoever got it complained, "Why would someone give this!"  That really stung, they had no idea the sacrifice it took for me to let them go.  I almost wanted to go snatch them out of their hands and leave!  Sometimes it's a real struggle to let go.  When I was out of work during the recession, I sold his Leatherman Wave (pocketknife), he loved it and I hadn't used it but would have liked to keep it but I truly needed the money and knew it would sell.  I cried when it did.  I realize all these things are not him..."him" I keep in my heart always and nothing will ever erase his memory or one iota of what he means to me.

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Nightwinds. Such a beautiful picture. Thank you for sharing. Got to be so hard to look at...but in another way not so much. I go back and forth looking at his picture and not being able to. This has got to be nuts. Our son was here a few weeks ago and was able to discard his cpap stuff,  nebulizer, etc. I could not do it. It was left laying by his chair. I agreed for it to be put into the trash and yet I nearly went out and dug it out of the trash. See where I am at.!  His clothes...in the plastic bag from the hospital I am still unable to open (4 months). They remain in the closet. Maybe some day I can open that bag and yet I very carefully scooped up a few of his whiskers in His drawer where his electric shaver was and put them in a ziplock bag. He didnt have much hair and that is what I have left. So some things I could deal with other things not so much. I could go on and on. So Much doesnt make sense even to me and yet it is what it is

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Nightwinds, what a sweet and beautiful wedding picture. Thank you for sharing that. I'm a bit further along in my journey by now. I had to let my wife go on new year's day of last year. I have good days where i get cocky and think "oh boy, i've got this thing licked!"  Then a memory will flash through my head or something will happen to take me back to the good ole days, and i'll be in a slump again. What i'm about to say may be something you have already grown tired of hearing (or reading). If so, you have my apologies for saying it, but...hang in there. This grief thing really is like a journey, but it's a road full of twists and turns. The kind of love like all of us that are here had with our soulmates is a gift. But it came with a price. This grief is the price we all are forced to pay for being able to enjoy that beautiful, wonderful thing called LOVE. 

There were some of my wife's "things" that i didn't have too much of a problem parting with. Some i'll never be able to let go of. We shared the same walk-in closed, and one day about a week after she was gone it just got to be too much to step into the closet to pick out something to put on, with all her clothing hanging there. That was the day that instead of looking right where my side was, i looked left where her's were hanging. I had grabbed an armload of her things and just stood there hugging them. In the process i had pulled a bunch more off their hangers and everything was in a big pile on the floor. I realized then that doing something about her clothes was what i needed to do. So, now half of my clothes are hanging on her side of the closet. I was okay with that. But all of her figurines and other things that she had collected over the years are the kinds of things i'll never be able to part with. I suppose we all go through that picking and choosing process.  I applaud you for trying hard to take good care of yourself. 

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Nightwinds, as if every day isn't hard enough, your special days seem even harder.  Beautiful picture, thank you for sharing.  I know what you mean about was that life I had a dream, was he a dream.  I'm a little over 21 months into this and I still feel that way every day.  The only things of his that I have been able to move and get out of the house was all his medical stuff.  I haven't touch one other thing, everything is still where he left it and I'm okay with that.  I'm being told all the time to give his stuff away or throw it out, but for me, it's not time yet and I'm not going to until I'm ready and don't care if it takes me the rest of my life.  Take care of yourself and sending you hugs.

Joyce

 

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I remember that shock of the first few months and doing things I would now find so incredibly painful.  We do go at our own pace.  The only thing I did IMMEDIATELY was remove anything medical from the house.  They had plagued us for years.  Can't remember clothes, but I did keep a couple things that were either his or my favorite.  His office sits untouched except it is sterile without his  music pages messes on the floor.  I turned off his computer a couple of days ago after almost 30 months.  His phone and iPad still charge even if useless to me.  Pictures of us are everywhere and for about a year I could look at them but not really see him.  Some protection thing my mind was doing.  Now I see him in those and in memories around the house.

Nightwinds, you are doing what you need to and can handle and the is the most we can expect whether it be a month or a year.  I felt so in a fog for months I couldn't even recall what I did.  It's like being on autopilot.  It doesn't sound like anyone is pressuring you and that is a very good thing.  We all here understand how personal, yet comparable, this is to what we went thru.  

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10 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

I go back and forth looking at his picture and not being able to. 

I do that same thing Autumn2.  It's nice to know someone else does it.  I thought it was a nutty thing to do - so since you shared that you do it too, I don't feel so lonely for the moment.   Everything I feel changes back and forth so fast - it's like being on a roller coaster!

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13 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

I go back and forth looking at his picture and not being able to.

Dear Autumn2

I so remember that!  I only have one picture of my Melissa as she was uncomfortable having her picture taken and was due to our respective experiences in life I suppose.  The night before Melissa chose suicide she asked if I would take her picture and I happily did.  I thought she had been working on her fears of having her picture taken and I expressed how proud I was of her!  The next day Melissa chose suicide.  It was the longest time before I could even get the picture developed.  I remember though once I did being able to look at it was a back and forth thing.  And eventually I had the picture enlarged and it is now framed and hangs in my art studio and brings me nothing but comfort and joy. 

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Carol Ann,

That is very poignant, but she was thinking of you even while she felt she couldn't go on.  In the beginning pictures of George brought me immense pain but now they bring me so much comfort!  It's a good feeling to know I had love once in my life with the person who is my soul mate, and that love continues and always will.

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Sorry to high jack this topic a bit.  Today makes exactly 2 and a half years Steve has been gone.  I really wish I could foget the  date and even month.  Our minds seem to have this masochistic need to remind us because I certainly didn't plan to.  It just reminds me of how long I have been missing him and continue to do so, worse than it was at the beginning.  And to start my day, some robocall triggered the answering machine before I could grab it and I heard his voice.  This anniversary fell on date night too.   It's really just another day to plod through.  Kinda get the feeling it will be a bit more teary than usual.

if it has to be an anniversary, my fantasy is it was 30 months ago we sprung him from hospice proving all the docs wrong.

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5 hours ago, kayc said:

Carol Ann,

That is very poignant, but she was thinking of you even while she felt she couldn't go on.  In the beginning pictures of George brought me immense pain but now they bring me so much comfort!  It's a good feeling to know I had love once in my life with the person who is my soul mate, and that love continues and always will.

Dear Kay

For me it is hard to really know what was on her heart.  Melissa did not leave a suicide note at all.  All I really have is speculation as why she made her choices.  I like to believe she wanted me to have at least one photo. This is not the thread to really go into a lot of my thoughts and feelings about it.  What I can say is that my Melissa's choice to end her life has been the most difficult of all the losses in my life.  What I do know for sure is that we shared a life and love together that has and continues to be the greatest joy I have ever experienced and known. And I have always believed that Love survives all even death.

Thanks dear Kay

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Dear Gwenivere

I hear and see your pain; thank you for sharing with us.  I am just so sorry that you are feeling this pain so loudly right now.  I remember what that was like so very much.  I think it natural that the pain gets louder at times such of anniversaries and other special and important times and dates.  For me the journey was like peeling an onion and how there are so many layers of an onion.  With each layer that I peeled away and weathered and navigated through this sense of relief would come and I remember feeling almost numb at times or like I was just existing.  Until I encountered another layer and the pain would get so loud and intense. I remember that around the 8th year of anniversaries and special dates and times when the layers came I began to feel a warmth and sometimes I would even smile and began to reflect on the love and joy of our marriage rather than the pain of Melissa being gone. And I found myself looking forward to the days again, I felt a new hope.  Then the 10th year came and wow there was the pain so loud and intense again.  I had to take some time off of work and didn't even want to get out of bed and greet the day.  The pain was deafening!  I became so discouraged, disheartened and wondered will I ever heal, will the pain really ever become something I can carry and enjoy life again.

I started to write about my pain and the more I wrote the more I understood what was going on for me.  I had reached the core, the raw uncensored core or root of the pain of loosing my Melissa.  And what I can tell you it was after this that when anniversaries came and special dates and times.  I felt a tremendous warmth, loved, safe and supported.  All I can see and feel now at those times is our love; our joy and how blessed I was to have experienced such a love.

The journey is different for all of us.  The pain is similar though.  And so though none of us have met or really know one an other we share and have this very human bond.  Our respective losses.  Courage to you in your journey.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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I thank you for your post and thoughts, Carol Ann.  One of the many things I do think about is how I will live with this loss for the rest of my life.  There are a lot of losses in life, but none of this magnitude.  everyone around me does not relate so I have to keep a lot to myself now.  We look at the time that has passed so differently.  They think I am/should be getting 'used' to it.  They have no concept of the void created that can never be filled again.  This person was my life.  He was thier friend.  They miss a lot of the same things I do, but cannot comprehend never interacting with thier partner ever again.  Living a life that was made special by just being together.  Having thoughts and ideas and no one to share them with nor them with you.  I see things all the time we would talk about.  I miss that and the 'skin hunger' as simple as holding hands.  I miss true laughter too.  I miss being irritated.  I miss it all.

would I trade what we have to escape this pain?  Sadly there are times I do.  I don't feel bad about that either.  He always told me if I had left first he was not sure he could handle the pain he could only imagine.

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I have an anniversary of sorts coming up as well. I had been searching for Dana for several days before, but on May 6, 2016 I received an answer -- I had found her on Linked In and sent a message the day before. From that sprang a love rekindled after 32 years. Both of us had moved on, married, had two boys each, and both had divorced by our spouses in 2015. We were drawn back to each  other like moths to a candle. And in December she was gone. We never had a first anniversary of anything. I will go through the first anniversary of our re-connection, the first anniversary of her one visit to see me, The first anniversary of my frantic drive to Texas when I learned she had fallen and broken her neck. The anniversary of my trip to see her again for her birthday in November. My first anniversary of her birthday itself.  December 18, the last time we ever spoke. and then the first anniversary of learning of her death.

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Dear Gwenivere

I so resonate with what you are feeling.  I remember feeling those exact things. And yes it is so hard when those around us don't understand and aren't they for us in a way that is need fulfilling. Melissa and I were very good friends with a couple and after Melissa died they left and moved to Ontario and I am in British Columbia.  I felt so abandoned by them.  All these years later it still hurts but I have forgiven them and let it go. 

I encourage you to keep reaching out here, and not sure if you have thought about a group at all for those who have lost their soulmate. Or even to seek out a grief counselor for some one on one.  Seek out others who can be there for you in ways that you need. 

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Dear Gin

I am so very sorry for the pain you are in.  I see you and I hear you.  I encourage you to keep reaching out.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Dear DaveM

I am so very sorry!  I see you and hear your pain.  Thank you for your courage in sharing.  I encourage you to keep reaching out.  The load seems so much heavier when we try to carry it alone.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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I'm coming into this conversation late, but Gwen, I want to say I am sorry , I know how hard it is to think of those anv. of date of death or other events like their birthday, our anv., etc.  If my mind wasn't triggered with the date I would be relieved but alas it doesn't seem to happen that way.  The death day is a memory I wish I did not have indelibly etched into my brain.

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Sunday was our 28th anniversary of the day Mary became my bride.  It's now 36 years since I knew we'd spend a life together.   I miss her so much there aren't enough words.  That got cut too short by an angry disease called ALS.  And I hate it.  My only solace is she has our granddaughters with her and our oldest grandson.  But even that breaks my heart.  I wish we had more time.  ?

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