What do I do now?

[KathrynIrene]

On May 1 it will be one month since my mom passed away.  We don't know what happened, I said goodnight to her one night and the next morning she as gone.  We just had the services a few days ago, and while it still doesn't feel completely real that she isn't here, it is definitely starting to sink in.  I feel like I'm going in and out of shock.  One moment, I'm totally fine and the next the world is crashing when I realize Mom isn't here any more.  I don't know what to do with myself or how to properly support my dad, brother, and sister.  I don't know what to do about the constant fear and anxiety I've been feeling since she died, and I feel like when I reach out to people around me, it makes them uncomfortable.  Which as they have never experienced this themselves, I know they don't know what to say or do.  And I don't hold that against them, but I still feel so helpless. I don't know what to do next or what my new role is.  I don't know how to start working through the nightmares, the fear, anxiety and helplessness.

[enna]

KathrynLrene, I am so very sorry that you are going through the loss of your mom and so suddenly. You are in the very early time of grieving. It is understandable that you are in shock. You must allow yourself time to make sense of this loss yourself before you can support your dad, your brother, or your sister. I think that just being near those you love is enough for right now. Perhaps later you will be able to share what you are thinking with your family. Fear and anxiety are normal during this time. So many thoughts must be running around in your mind. Many people do try to express their condolences and often it may seem like they don’t care but actually they just may not know what to say. There is no right way or wrong way to grieve.

Reading about parent loss might help as will seeking a good grief counselor to help you sort out all the feelings you are experiencing. Finding this place will offer listening ears and we assure you that we will be right here with you.

Sending hugs to you during this most difficult time.

Anne 

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, KathrynIrene said:

On May 1 it will be one month since my mom passed away.  We don't know what happened, I said goodnight to her one night and the next morning she as gone.  We just had the services a few days ago, and while it still doesn't feel completely real that she isn't here, it is definitely starting to sink in.  I feel like I'm going in and out of shock.  One moment, I'm totally fine and the next the world is crashing when I realize Mom isn't here any more.  I don't know what to do with myself or how to properly support my dad, brother, and sister.  I don't know what to do about the constant fear and anxiety I've been feeling since she died, and I feel like when I reach out to people around me, it makes them uncomfortable.  Which as they have never experienced this themselves, I know they don't know what to say or do.  And I don't hold that against them, but I still feel so helpless. I don't know what to do next or what my new role is.  I don't know how to start working through the nightmares, the fear, anxiety and helplessness.

KathrynIrene,

My heart goes out to you. I remember that first month of grief so well. I was in a state of shock for a long time. Fortunately, I found this safe haven were other people understand and help.  It felt like my entire stable world was all shook up.  Writing here, reading different posts and learning about grief and how to cope with it.  Seek out a grief counselor, ask questions here, share what is going on. I find journal-ling helps me to write down my thoughts. I encrypt the files so only i have access.  I listen to suggestions here like get more sleep, eat healthier, move, breath and take care of myself.  Your role is to find what brings you peace and learn tools about how to deal with the sudden loss, "Shock and Awe" of your mom passing.  I pray for you the peace that passes all understanding and that you will find it. - Shalom

[kayc]

KathrynIrene,

I'm sorry for your loss, it's very hard when it's unexpected and you may all still be reeling from shock.  It can take a while for it to sink in and even longer to process it and adjust to the changes this means for all of you.

I hope this article is helpful to you:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html 

and this one:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[Sweetwater]

Hello KathrynIrene,

I'm so glad you wrote... you found the first step.  It took me a while to even find this site and reach out to people and get some kind of communication.   The pain is unbearable, and all of us know it.  There is nothing quite like losing a mother... nothing.   You've literally lost a part of you, and it will take time before you can even make sense of what happened.  Without your Mom being ill, and just not waking up is nothing less than a major shock and catastrophe in life.   Don't feel you are any different than anyone else, please... realize that  what happened is indeed a shock, and it will take time.  

When I lost my Mom, I think I simply lost it for almost 2 years.  I worked, but beyond that I was a zombie.  I lost my best friend, my confidante, my world... who else knows us so well, cares so much about us, loves us so unconditionally... ??? It will take time, and your brother, sister and Dad, are also suffering, but everyone shows it in different ways.  I don't know how old your siblings are or how old you are or whether you drive or not... BUT, what I did find, which saved my life, was go to Grief Counseling at my church.  I was amongst people who understood my pain, my loss, my sudden upside down life... ONLY they understood.  Friends felt bad for me, but unless they also lost a parent, they did not understand how I felt.

I also read some books, that helped, I researched so much, including this site, Mediums, I spoke to some, and i always felt a connection with my mom... before she passed we would comment about specific things, and I continued to see those specific things after she passed.  It will be 3 years in June and now I know she's around me, looking over me, and simply 'there'.

The pain never goes away, the loss never goes away, but with time, and the length of time depends on everyone, you learn to live with the loss.  I pray that you find some solace, something that you both enjoyed, .... I actually planted a tree in Mom's honor, and at the Butterfly atrium, I paid for a tribute, so there is a printed butterfly hanging from the atrium ceiling... I now see her when I close my eyes and I can smile... the pain is replaced with beautiful memories.. and I treasure them all, each and every day... 

I made flowers for mom's gravesite.. some for the base of the headstone, the next year, the top of the headstone... I write (still) to her in my private journal... and i have a guest room where she slept, where I have some of her personal belongings, and I go sit there and write in my journal.. and sometimes talk to her.

In time you will find peace, and for whatever reason God chose to take her early,... without anyone knowing, no notice.... I have to believe there is a reason... and we'll likely never know, but with each and every day, you'll get stronger.  Try and find a grief counseling group, that will help I promise.

Write again, anytime, if you need... I'm here to help.

Sweet dreams (ask your Mom to come to you in your dreams.... it works  -:)  ) 

Sweetwater