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Out of the mouths of babes (well...teens)...


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Tonight my daughter Stella (14) told me sometimes she misses the weeks just after her dad (my husband) died. I couldn't imagine why (!), but asked her to explain, and she said, "Back then it seemed like it was the most important thing. For everyone. Now, they're all forgetting and moving on, and for me, it's still the most important thing. It's all I think about and if I say I'm sad, I can tell they are thinking, but that's so long ago..." 

This past week was 4 months for us. I feel like I weigh 10,000 pounds and, like Stella, as if the whole world is moving on. I am even astounded that here in Minnesota my crab apple tree is about to bloom and all the perennials are popping up. Everyone is excited for spring, and to me it just seems outrageous and even insulting that even the earth is moving on without my beautiful husband here. For no reason whatsoever, today has been a really hard day.  

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Adele,

Four months for me, too (Dec 28). I live in NC, and only last night I realized the oak, maple and crabapple trees in my front yard had leafed up. I had similar thoughts. When I connected with my beloved last May 5 after 32 years, I was walking in the same front yard and enjoying the new foliage. Now it's just background noise. And yes, I feel insulted too.

My heart aches for you and your daughter. She's right about everyone else seeming to forget and move on. Please let her know that there are those who know, and who share the same pain. Maybe you can find a similar grief share for young people. I know that Marty and the group here have really helped me.

 

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Adele, the Four Month  time line is also a season, which to the unaffected is a substantial length of time. But for Grieving, it is only the beginning ....In my past  life I was a Manager and had to OK bereavements, medical leaves, etc and treated them all "equally".....I had no idea what a lot of the people were going through...I recommended the HR resources but had no idea what Grief entailed......I know now, and it lasts a lot more than 22 months,,,,,,Adele, you and Stella will be fine, Not many people understand except this site I think.....

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Thank you for the kind words Dave and Kevin. That's interesting that you were in hr and not realizing what people were going through. It's been humbling to realize how little I understood about grief before this loss. At 48 I still have both my parents. To me it is inconceivable that my daughters (11 & 14) must proceed through life without their father. It's like my heart is doubly broken, for me and for them. They will certainly have empathy with grieving from an early age though. I hope they can use that in some positive way. 

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14 hours ago, Adele said:

Tonight my daughter Stella (14) told me sometimes she misses the weeks just after her dad (my husband) died. I couldn't imagine why (!), but asked her to explain, and she said, "Back then it seemed like it was the most important thing. For everyone. Now, they're all forgetting and moving on, and for me, it's still the most important thing. It's all I think about and if I say I'm sad, I can tell they are thinking, but that's so long ago..." 

This past week was 4 months for us. I feel like I weigh 10,000 pounds and, like Stella, as if the whole world is moving on. I am even astounded that here in Minnesota my crab apple tree is about to bloom and all the perennials are popping up. Everyone is excited for spring, and to me it just seems outrageous and even insulting that even the earth is moving on without my beautiful husband here. For no reason whatsoever, today has been a really hard day.  

Your daughter is very astute.  It's the same for all of us, the world seems to move on for everyone but us, we will never "move on from" this.  We will adjust little by little and build a life we can live out of necessity, but we will never leave them behind, never forget them, they will never have lesser importance to us, they will remain utmost in our hearts and minds.

Your feeling about Spring is shared by many in their first year.  For me Spring represents an end to the shoveling snow and having a difficult time getting places I need to go, so for me it is most welcome, especially since my truck has a blown head gasket.  But those are mere practical things and to you, you are seeing it as leaving him behind in a sense...a season in which he did not exist.  I remember feeling that way on New Year's a few months after he died.  How could there be a year in which he did not exist?!  I reminded myself it was merely one day more, yet to me it seemed to represent so much more.

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Yes Kayc and autumn2 that's exactly how it feels! My husband died in his sleep Christmas night so New Years was surreal. I had to just put my head down and avoid all the "your best year ever" propaganda! It is inconceivable that he has not been here at all for 2017.  Maybe that's why spring feels like even more of an insult. It actually snowed in Minnesota today though, so I guess even Mother Nature is having trouble letting go: )

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20 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

How dare the earth continue rotating, the trees and flowers blooming, how dare these things continue to happen. Don't they realize he or she is gone?

I remember having the same thoughts after George died.  How can the sun keep on shining!

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