Friday is still a trigger day

[Guest]

I suppose that Fridays will always trigger a degree of sadness in me no matter how long I continue to exist. I feel like I stopped living when I had to let Cookie go on New Year's Day of last year. My happy life ended then quite literally with the flip of a switch. By turning off the ventilator.  I've heard all the platitudes. I agree that she is in that better place, and that her suffering and misery is over. But when her suffering and misery ended, mine began. I turned the life support machine off then because it was the only right thing to do. We talked about it for the first time a number of years ago, and made a pact with each other that if/when that terrible day should ever come that we would muster up the intestinal fortitude to do that right thing for each other. Knowing that it was the only right thing to do is the only thing that made it possible for me to suck it up and say those awful words that had to be said by me, and only me, before they could turn that machine off. I've endured this agonizing grief so far without feeling any anger toward her, myself, or God. How could I be angry at God?  He gave me the greatest gift possible. He allowed me to experience total and complete joy for over 41 years. And I certainly have no reason to feel any anger toward Cookie. She honored me so wonderfully by sharing herself with lil ole me for those 41+ years. And I try my best to not feel any anger toward myself.  I was never able to give Cookie a materialistically wealthy life. That wasn't in the cards. But what we did have was something much grander than that. We were two wayward souls that were lucky enough to cross each other's path in the fall of 1974.  And we never looked back, as the saying goes. Our wealth took the form of that utter and complete bliss that comes from being completely content with what God allowedus to share.  Total, complete, unadulterated love and happiness. Even in year number 41 I still had a crush on that gal. And still do now. What I wouldn't give to be able to play "touchy, feely" with her today for 5 minutes. I miss her presence every day---her physical presence. I LOVE YOU, MY COOKIE!!!

one foot in front of the other...

Darrel

[kayc]

1 hour ago, olemisfit said:

Even in year number 41 I still had a crush on that gal.

And that says it all!

[brat#2]

Darrel, I agree with Kay, that does say it all!!

Joyce

 

[Mike's Girl]

Like you Darrel, Fridays are my trigger days.  I lost my Michael on a Friday.  So unfair.  The melancholy tally continues each week since his departure.   I used to love Fridays and the weekend of freedom that they would bring.  But now, I dread Fridays and their reminder that another week has passed without my best friend by my side.

Again, like you, I had to execute that final true sacrifice of love and give the word to let him go.  That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  But, I knew it was the right thing to do.  His suffering ended and he was free.  My suffering began.

Fridays are somber and are no longer the doorway to the weekend I've always loved. I try to fill my weekends with activities so I'm not sitting home alone, thinking of how much I miss him or how hard life is without him now.  I've got a wonderful "framily" (friends who are family) who watches over me and comes to my aid at my slightest whimper.  One example, I just went to see the new movie Beauty and the Beast this past weekend with a friend.  I loved the movie, but ended up crying like a baby in my car afterwards.  The realization that I once had a great love and it is over now hit me like a ton of bricks and I had to pull over because of the tears blurring my vision.

My "framily" keeps me in relatively high spirits most of the time.  With their help, my days can breeze by without a tear.  But it's the times when I am alone when the sadness can come out of nowhere.   Late at night, in the early mornings, in the car, in my office, in the shower...it doesn't matter.   By Monday morning, I'm actually happy to be back to work for the distraction.  I'm only 2 months and 4 days into my widowhood and it's extremely disheartening to think that it's only just begun.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Mike's Girl said:

it's extremely disheartening to think that it's only just begun.

I know, right!  If your husband was on a trip you could count the days down until he'd be back again,but this...you think I've only done ___ time, and now I have the whole rest of my life to do?!  But we're figuring out how to get through that time, little by little.  Friends are important, that's what I'm working on building, but it takes time.  It seems every time I make a friend, something happens, usually they move or die.

[Mike's Girl]

My new mantra...Figuring out how to get through that time, step by step and little by little.  I won't master my life in one day.  I need to take it one day at a time and just keep doing that; mastering it one day at a time.  Keep true to the 3 F's, for they are my strength - Faith, Family, and Friends!

[Dr Lenera]

It still seems to be Saturday evenings for me...she died on a Sunday, but for some reason it's Saturday evenings after work that still hit hardest [which is why I still tend to have that bottle of wine I mentioned elsewhere].....maybe because I try to fill up Sundays with things to do [even if they're mundane], and because we would almost always go out on a Saturday evening. On a Saturday evening when I get home, I even find getting in the darn house a bit upsetting....I'll stand like an idiot in the doorway, half way in and half way out...until my sheer lust for a cup of tea takes over....

[Gwenivere]

Saturday nights were our date night too.   We looked forward to it all week.  It's so strange even after all this time to be alone and not going to our fav place where they knew us for years.  The few times I got take out I cried all the way home.  I've never been back.  I've not been to any of our places for special dinners either.  Actually I haven't been anywhere out for dinner since he left.  Sitting at our table at home I have gotten used to, but I so miss our nights of joking, philosophizing, making plans for whatever and always getting a to go box for our furry kids who waited in the car knowing the goodies were coming.   It was a family night out when I had a family.  Lost one kid and him.   

[Dr Lenera]

It's pretty much the same with me. I've avoided the places we used to go. Our favourite restuarant - which we also virtually used as our local pub - had a refit and was taken over by a different company a few weeks before she died. We tried it and weren't impressed. So luckily it's not as painful walking past it as it might have been otherwise....which I do quite often as it's opposite my local cinema and nothing on earth would stop me going there.

[kevin]

Mothers Day was always a special day for Angela and me after kids were gone......The standard was 'King Crab" at our favorite Restaurant.......I think I might make up feed on Sunday....lots of butter.....We expanded the tradition to New Years Eve about  five years ago......Mothers Day will be a good trigger now.....Good luck to all