Not Progressing

[Numb and Lost]

It's going on five months now and I think I'm getting worse. I think this week might have been the worst. I feel absolutely hopeless in every way. I feel like I just want it to be over. My eyes are so tired from crying and my soul is exhausted. It just hurts more than I can bear. Along with my grief I am completely stuck in a helpless situation with an addict. There is nothing I can do. People think there is but there just isn't. I feel so numb as if this much pain can't really be reality. I feel like life is a test and I must have failed. There is one person that I want to call and he's gone and I can't talk to him ever again and I don't know how to comprehend it. I've tried for months and I just can't. Every day I just wake up in the same pain from the day before. I don't understand why some of us have to hurt so much. All this and I know some people still have it worse so I try to count the blessings I know I still have but the pain is so great. It just seems like it's getting so much worse. 

[Autumn2]

Five months for me also. I feel much like you do. I cant comprehend how I can spent the rest of my life like this and yet I guess I/we have to. The thought of never really hearing his voice again, feeling his hugs, discussing life with him is unbearable. I so hope all of us somehow can find a way to deal with this. Hugs.

 

[Gwenivere]

30 minutes ago, Numb and Lost said:

Every day I just wake up in the same pain from the day before. I don't understand why some of us have to hurt so much. All this and I know some people still have it worse so I try to count the blessings I know I still have but the pain is so great. It just seems like it's getting so much worse. 

I am at 30 months and still struggle every day.  In fact, at 5 months I was actually doing better because I was in shock and there was so much that needed to be done.  I'm not saying this to scare you, only to say that comparing our grief to others will, in my opinion, only make you feel worse.  It doesn't matter in your life that others may have it worse, you don't really even know because you are not them.  They may look at you and feel the same. What matters is you and what you feel.  Comparison can create invalidation of your own pain which is real and unique to you and your relationship with who you lost.  Why do some of us have to hurt so much?  Because we loved so much is the best answer I have found.  I never thought I would feel as bad as I do now.  That is something I have to accept and not let anyone try and dissuade me from what I feel in my heart.   As time stretches on I am so often looked at as odd as I am not over this, doing better by others standards (none has lost thier partner) or still subjected to advice and suggestions about a place they know nothing of.  Others here have 'progressed' more than I have.  I am happy for them.  Somewhere along the way I said.....this is my journey, I own it and will do it my way.  

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Numb and Lost said:

Along with my grief I am completely stuck in a helpless situation with an addict. There is nothing I can do.

If you are indeed feeling "completely stuck in a helpless situation with an addict," I hope you know that you are not alone. There are many resources available to give you the information and support you need and deserve. I hope and pray that you will find your way to Narconon or Al-Anon. 

[Marie Lee]

Much love all...

I just spent a few minutes looking over the scrapbook I made from some cards Kev and I gave each other over the years..

I miss being in a relationship and having a partner...love....Sigh...

Hugs, Marie

[kayc]

Numb and Lost,

I've been in those places in my life and I want to assure you that there is always a way out, you have to be willing, desperate even, to seek the way.  PLEASE start seeing a counselor!  I think it would help you immensely. It's easy to put up smoke screens and say that won't do any good, but until you've given it your best shot, that won't hold water.  On marriagebuilders.com they tell you that you must first deal with the addiction before you can address the marriage.  

Please try Al-Anon.  I suggested it to my daughter but she hasn't contacted me since Easter so who knows what she's doing/not doing.  I've always been a firm believer in getting help, whether it's a professional or self-help book, maybe because I've always had things to work on!  I've been where you are, only with the addition of physical abuse, and I had to get out to save myself.

[Numb and Lost]

I have thought about doing the Al-anon before. Thank you all. I may check into it, maybe I can at least meet some people suffering in the same way too. As far as the grieving I tried two different individual counselors, one was specialized in grief and the other was just a general counselor I guess, but I guess I just didn't feel like it helped. I guess I don't feel like anything could help unless it could bring him back. It hit me the other day the fact that I didn't go to his funeral and it thought how could I not have went and honored and said goodbye to the one person that meant so much to me? I know why I didn't, and couldn't go but it's like it just hit me and tore me to pieces. In my wildest dreams I can't imagine anyone making me feel what he made me feel just by looking at me. I have friends that truly don't even understand because they have obviously never felt it. My level of thinking about seeing him again in heaven might be unhealthy but that's all I think about. When other people have died I have accepted it and thought of them as gone. I cannot and will not allow myself to think of him that way. This morning so many little things brought back memories and I just cant believe I have to live my life never seeing him again, all the while dealing with this psycho on top of it. I'm not sure most of that even made any sense I'm just typing away and my tears are making my eyes blurry. 

[Nightwinds]

I understand the numb and lost feeling. It boggles the mind how a person can feel numb and be in so much pain at the same time. 

I have people tell me they understand my loss but they don't. If they have never lost the 1 person in their life that made life wonderful every time you looked in his eyes no matter what was falling apart in the outside world then they don't get it. 

I prayed for the first 2 weeks that God would take me so I could join him. I just couldn't fathom anyone surviving the pain I was feeling in my chest. I felt like my soul left as he died and he is holding it for me until I join him. The pain in my chest was real and it still aches so bad.

The 2 of us together made a whole person and I don't even feel like a real person anymore. I'm going through the motions and I haven't had any good days but I have had a few that weren't as bad. The not as bad days are helping me think I might survive and I hate to say I'm not sure I'm happy about that. I am not suicidal and will not stop my meds or do something passive to get sick. I want to join him in Heaven. 

Its been 6 weeks since I lost him. I really sometimes feel like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from with him. 

[kayc]

Numb and Lost,

Not all counselors are the same...I would not go to a regular counselor for grief, any more than I'd go to an autobody repair to fix my transmission, sometimes it takes a specialist's knowledge and expertise.  I'd try another grief specialist before giving up.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

[Numb and Lost]

I don't know I just feel like there isn't anything they could say that would help my pain. At first I thought if I could talk to someone that loved him too that would help. I still think it might give me a little comfort but I don't think it would help, because the fact is nothing anyone can do or say will change the situation. My friend thought if she told me very matter of fact "he is dead and you will never get to hear or say what you needed to" that would help. Well guess what shockingly that didn't help either. I will NEVER stop thinking about or missing him, but that seems to be what people expect. Like everything should just be fine after 5 months, like I never met him and he never existed in my life.

[Autumn2]

Five months too. My life is existing not living...do what I need to do and little else . Really nothing brings me any kind of happiness right now. Again...just existing.

[iPraiseHim]

2 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

Five months too. My life is existing not living...do what I need to do and little else . Really nothing brings me any kind of happiness right now. Again...just existing.

I would like to encourage you like people did for me in early grief. You can read my early posts, "Shock and Awe" to confirm it.  I am approaching 25 months, and I'm just beginning to see some hope and light beyond the devastating death of my beloved wife, Rose Anne.  The initial and early grief was so intense that all I could see was that.  I was just trying to hang on and hold on.  We all progress on this grief path at our own pace. 

I thought I understood grief when I went through the death of my Mom, my Best friend, and my brother in a matter of 15 months.  But this level of grief (death of my wife) is far beyond anything I could imagine.  This grief takes time to process, understand, and accept.  I believe all of us can learn  more about our self, beliefs, and what we value in life.

I am still working on it.  I trusted people here who were further on this path to give me, guidance, suggestions, and hope. I didn't see what they saw then.  But gradually, by learning and growing,  I can see small improvements.  Life still sucks without Rose Anne. I miss her all the time.  Yet recently I experience joy and excitement for a passion that was suppressed so long ago.  Life still has its challenges.  Yet, this time around the Calendar (3rd time memories) and celebrations have been filled more with wonderful memories of the life we shared together and how we grew stronger.  She is not here physically but she is in my mind and heart.

I plan to post what I have learned about this grief, my  journey, and the progress I have noticed.  I still feel like I am just existing compared to the spectacular life we had together. However, I am in a better place than I was when my wife died.

For now existing is okay. Living will come when it comes. Rest, relax, and be kind to yourself.  That is what your beloved wants for you.  - Shalom, George  

 

     

[DaveM]

Thanks George, for your encouragement. I am also coming up on 5 months, May 28. This past week has been exceptionally bad. And this weekend I am filled with anxiety, as though my chest will burst open. I will keep pushing on.

[kayc]

Dave,

Have you read the tools section, there are helps there, including on anxiety.
Six months is said to be some of the hardest times in our grief journey, it could be its hitting you now, none of this is set in stone as far as when it hits, but it's when reality sets in and we realize they aren't coming back.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/07/anxiety-attacks-in-grief-tools-for.html

[DaveM]

Thanks, Kay,

I will check them out.

[Bebe11]

You have some great advice on here.  Just remember that seeking help is a good thing.  You might check out your local church.  Talk to the pastor about some options that might be available to you...in addition to some of the options on this post.  I am praying that God will comfort you during the times that are difficult!  

[rdownes]

I remember 5 months like it was yesterday today marks one year for me and unfortunately I can not say things will get better because everyone's grief is unique and their own personal journey I can say I know your pain your feeling of emptiness, your feeling of oh god another day without them this new world new life we didn't ask for sucks and is beyond hard it truly does feel like at least for me it gets worse before it starts to get better. I still have my hard days but my good days definitely out way the bad now I have learned to live through Kevin to keep him in my heart in all I do he to this day will always be a part of my soul do in that sense I will always have him. I truly hope everyone is able to find their peace and live on with their loved ones love right by their side I know easier said than done when your heart in broken in pieces hugs

[Margm]

Everyone has to go their own path, and it is not always the path of others.  I tried writing about my experience, my feelings each day and when I went back and read them I destroyed the notebook.  Each response from my own thoughts ripped open the scar tissue as if the date it happened and days afterwards were all happening again.  Some people can do some things.  I thought I would never listen to music again.  I do now.  Even some sad songs, and I do cry, but I listen.  Writing my feelings down just make those first days a reality to live again.  I cannot exactly put it behind me because it surrounds me like a bubble everywhere I go.  I have started looking up instead of running like a mad woman shopping.  A smile sometimes is given to someone but holding my head up and making eye contact is still hard.  I go places because I have to.  I have not had the "dinners" my friends wanted to have.  Just cannot do it yet.  Went to two functions and it was okay.  I think if it were not for my family, I would disappear inside myself but their problems make me react.  Maybe that is a good thing.  I do buy Billy a card each occasion we celebrated.  But Billy and I never "celebrated" in the manner some do.  I underline the words of the card, just like we used to do, and I place it beside his urn.  I can see his gray beard in the clouds, but I do think he and Jesus are jealous of each other because I still pray to both of them.  

And please, do not let anyone tell you how to handle this grief.  You are the only one who can handle it.  Marty's words help.  But Marty is here to help.  Acquaintances, relatives, those real sweet meaning advice givers, this is not their grief, it is yours, and they cannot walk your path.  Only you can, and only you can ignore all these people that mean well, but do not have a clue..  

[Adele]

I too am approaching 5 months (5/26). I keep pushing hard to keep life together for the kids, get some billable hours in, figure out how to mow the lawn etc., but this week I just feel totally used up.  So exhausted.  It's like the kind of exhaustion you'd have from the flu but I'm not sick.  I decided to just spend the day in bed today if that's what I want to do. Its not a viable long term plan but it feels good to just quit even fighting for normalcy.  At least until the kids get home from school. It makes me feel less alone to see that others are struggling at the 5 month mark also, though of course I wouldn't wish this on anyone!

[kayc]

On 5/13/2017 at 5:47 AM, Numb and Lost said:

My friend thought if she told me very matter of fact "he is dead and you will never get to hear or say what you needed to" that would help. Well guess what shockingly that didn't help either.

Marty just posted a video addressing this about never moving on (in the tools section).

 You might want to listen to it.  I'm sorry your "friend" was so off base, people who haven't been there usually are.  

[kayc]

I just found this on another site and thought I'd share it...

'I read an article once about a priest who had lost his wife. He phoned an old friend, a widow, who'd lost her husband many years prior. He asked this widow the question you pose, "When do you stop crying?"  Her answer? "I don't know, it's only been 14 years". '

[Gin]

That sure was a good answer.

[Numb and Lost]

That is a good answer. I am still crying every single day. 

[Gin]

Numb and lost,

Me,too.  It will be 20 months tomorrow.  It does not seem to let up.

[kevin]

Still lost in a different way, feel too move on I have too physically move.....Sent an E-mail for information today on a couple of properties...Next  move is to list my home...Still may be a year away.....Got to check out new Town......My family are all City, I always avoided Cities.....this Town is rural but 2.5  hours from the majority of the Grand Children......I like Fresh start.....