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The hurt is still deep and real


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Hi all, Yesterday was the 11 month mark of the accident where my life changed...in a time frame of seconds...

I wondered around and ended up at a rooftop venue...lovely setting in our beautiful artsy side of town...and there was a wedding wrapping up.

I was so moved by watching the lovely couple dance...I sent them a lovely bottle of red...

The serendipity of the moment was staggering to me...I wants to tell them, love each other so dearly ....be tender and kind....but knew I had too many emotions and did not want to bring them down any notches on their lovely, beautiful day..and occasion...I felt privileged to be there and see their beauty.

Today I received a thank you card for a bridal shower gift for our nephew and his lovely fiancé ...I look forward to their wedding...and hope the profound hurt inside will be manageable. I did elect to rent a house in a tranquil setting...as I know the emotions are going to be strong and all over the place for me.

I guess this is the price we pay for a deep love....

I befriended a nice gentlemen last night as I navigated home...he lost his wife many years ago...and has thrown himself into work.

He seemed so unhappy...I left thinking...afterward....how much money is enough? I hope he learns to step back and live again...

It seems looking at the pictures and cards from  My life with Kev is getting harder..I wonder, when will it get easier? When will my breathing not be so shallow with grief....when?..?..?

I guess the beauty of life and love takes us to staggering heights ....and will also be equally in despair when ....we part from our beloved...our childhood friend and sweetheart....I hope he knows how very much I loved him, And how sorry I am for any pain I may have caused him....

I say childhood as I know how very young I was now when I met him at 19...

Thanks for being there, everyone, trying to breathe today.

Hugs, Marie

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I find being around others either makes me angry or profusely sad.  Not at them, but at how my world changed, essentially ended as I knew it.  Depression has me stuck and now things that I once handled like a normal person either alone or with Steve seem monumental.  Seeing happy or at least people that still have the lives they have always known creates a huge loneliness because non would understand.  Everywhere I go I get told to have a good evening or weekend.  I remember when I did and could honestly wish them the same.   I come home, look around me and say....what the hell happened?  And then....I know bigtime because I never forget.

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Marie Lee I loved the bit of your post about the wedding...must have been so incredibly bittersweet, very sad but not totally unpleasant.

I think I worked an extra long [out of choice] shift on my 11th month anniversary. They're good at letting me do that on 'anniversaries' [not entirely appropriate term I know]. I find it the best thing to do

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Dr Lenera, It was ..and yet, not totally unpleasant....true :-).. And thank you for letting me know your appreciation.

I plan to do some traveling...but do see myself going back to work some where..some time...all this solitude is for the birds, lol.

I am learning a bit more about myself as I continue on this " journey" ....

Anniversary is something we usually associate with happiness I guess, but there are moments in time we will never forget that will always be there to remind us. Kennedy's assassination ,  Elvis' death, the space shuttle explosion and 9/11 to name a few...

I almost wish I was back in transportation at times working crazy hours and holidays to offset all this time on my hands...

I can understand burying yourself in work...the therapy of it...

I am concluding that May and June are just going to STINK...for the most part as I draw closer to the one year mark.

There are way too many memories and events that happened...and the paradox of it not being but a year ago...one of the biggest memories is from last Memorial Day Weekend. We had taken the bike to the VA Cemetery last year. The beauty of the marble white stones, against the lush green grass and vibrant blue sky...the solemness of the venue...so fitting for the occasion. I never had a clue that a little over two weeks later, I would be back there, burying my husband. That's a hard to thing to come to terms with. Then my mind wonders, how in the heck is it possible I was right beside him in the car when we were struck? Such extremely different outcomes for us...

I remember seeing the semi...and thought death was imminent and prayed...I don't remember the impact....and I wonder, did I hold his hand? There is much more to my memory that I won't bother you all with....it's just bizarre that this happened...it kind of takes on a " dreamlike" (ok more like nightmare )quality in my memory ...but it's a reality I lived.

I thank you all for listening and I hope I don't make you all any sadder..but I guess we all already are...so I will be quiet now, lol...

I feel I should embrace life and live it fully ... With this " gift" I have been given...I hope I can find the strength to do that soon...

I do appreciate life....I just wasn't wanting this journey alone...how do people do this? Maybe I will get used to it?

Hugs, Marie

 

 

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Marie, I had no idea yours was a sudden death.  Yes, we are all sad and while I have yet to come to appreciate life again, I understand it being hard to grasp wondering how we do this alone now.  I can't say I was prepared for what my husbands death would truly do to me, but we did have time knowing it was coming to say and do all we could.  I am so sad for you and all that were robbed of that.  It's all so convoluted.  Better to know and have that be your last memories or not know and be spared those ?  Watching them suffer or snatched away in the blink of an eye?  Both choices are terrible because either way, we lose them.

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Hi Gwen, There is no good way to lose your spouse.

I am happy we had the time we had..certainly wish I would have done things differently.

Experiencing a tragic, sudden loss brings other problems...but what loss doesn't ?

Its all so surreal except this reality I live everyday lol! I am just thankful I have this space and this group to " talk" with.

So much of my identity was wrapped up with him. I took his love and dedication for granted. I miss him. I miss our life. I miss it all.. I know I can't live life this way...just got to find a way to get through these next couple of months...

Grieving is exhausting....this month has got me feeling I have just went back so far in my healing progress...

I can't imagine what you went through....I am very sorry for your experience. 

Sending out love to all, Marie

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Remembering when they died is a very difficult memory, it can seem to haunt us, and I know it's taken me many years to make peace with it.  Mine was also a sudden loss.  You're so caught off guard, it sends you into shock, it's hard to absorb.  It betrays everything you ever thought about life and you're grappling for meaning for your very existence.  

Yes, we get used to it, one painful moment after another.  Eventually.  It doesn't seem possible that can happen, but we do, I guess our bodies must be pretty amazing at survival.  

 

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If I didn't Golf and participate in other Senior sports I would definitely go crazy, I don't have the "purpose bone" connected to my body right now to participate in worthwhile endeavours..... As Marg stated the other day, indifference appears to have taken over  my rational process....I am a lot more spontaneous as of late, which is driven by boredom .......as already stated, all part of the Journey

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It took me many years to build purpose into my life, that's one of the harder things to deal with, partly because we just don't know where to start and it's different for everyone.

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It's so true that purpose seems to be lacking. I guess my sole purpose at the moment is to just keep going, to get through every day, and to try my very best to do Jo proud and not get too upset. And these thoughts do keep me going. But it's very difficult. My purpose in life was to give my disabled wife as much love and the best life she could possibly have, and now that purpose [lord, how many times can one type purpose?!!!] is gone, leaving a big gaping hole in my brain and in my life.

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14 hours ago, Dr Lenera said:

It's so true that purpose seems to be lacking. I guess my sole purpose at the moment is to just keep going, to get through every day, and to try my very best to do Jo proud and not get too upset. And these thoughts do keep me going. But it's very difficult. My purpose in life was to give my disabled wife as much love and the best life she could possibly have, and now that purpose [lord, how many times can one type purpose?!!!] is gone, leaving a big gaping hole in my brain and in my life.

For now, that is a good purpose. There is a time and season for everything.  My wife was disabled,( unable to work) for the last six years of her life due to the progressive complications of Diabetes. One of my purposes now  is to take care of myself as well as I took care of her and her mother. I also understand that it is okay to have hope and it is okay to enjoy life and laugh. This is what my wife, Rose Anne, wants for me. 

I just finished reading, "Option B", by Sheryl Sandburg. It is a good read on coping with Grief.        

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You know, I used to spend a lot of time wondering when things would get better, but I think I'm coming to feeling like they won't really...just learning to cope seems to be the objective.  I worked overtime trying to get back into life, going everywhere I was invited, finding a part-time job, on and on.  It will be 2 years in June and I feel awful and so also feel like maybe never is the answer to when.  Having a bad day....sorry to be so negative, but I am having more negative times than I did in the first year because I actually thought by 2 years surely things would feel more normal or better somehow.  I miss him more....

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Cookie,

I did the same thing...joined a lot of things...knitting club, book clubs, grief groups, counsellor, exercise groups.  It sure did not help.   Now what?  I am resigned to feel this way as long as I live.  The tears are always just beneath the surface, ready to spill at any moment.  I miss Al so very much!

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Cookie and Gin,

I do know what you mean.  I'm in so many groups, trying to build friendships, etc. that now I cherish getting to spend a day at home, but none of it is like "before", it lacks the luster, even if it's enjoyable.  There's something about that spark they gave to our lives.  And now watching my daughter going through it, it's so hard to see her suffering.  it's one thing to go through hard stuff ourselves, quite another to watch our kids go through the pain we've suffered. :(

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Gin and Kayc:  Just hoping more, a lot more time will help even things out.  There is no other feeling like this.....sending my love and caring to all. 

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I would like to send another view of Sheryl's book.  When I found out about it and read her interview and an article in Time magazine, it made me feel horrible, like a failure, even though most people say it should be hopeful.  Then I read this article and it gave me hope again.  I could relate to this article better and so I am sending it in case there is anyone else who had a bad reaction to the Sheryl Sandberg book.  There is something about seeing yourself in something that is comforting.  I'm not saying I'm against the book, I just think it's in the "positive thinking" vein that has caused me so much trouble, like I don't measure up somehow.  Don't get me wrong, I wish I were Sheryl Sandberg and had her attitude (maybe her life also).  I don't think I'm negative, it's just that deep down I have that great ache....

My experience of grief looks nothing like Sheryl Sandberg’s

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I have shared that same article in all my social media outlets, Cookie, and I appreciate your sharing it here. There is no need for you or anyone else to apologize for or feel the need to justify your own individual response to the death of your spouse. As is often stated here, no size fits all, and Sheryl Sandberg's response to the death of her husband is unique to her. I am reading the book myself now, and clearly it is not one that I would recommend to anyone who is just beginning his or her grief journey. In addition, I agree with your observation that this author has many advantages in life that many of us do not or will never know, so many of us cannot or will not relate to her experiences. Different strokes for different folks. 

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Dear Marie,

I think you are right -- the depth of our love, everyone here, brings us to the depths of despair -- it was 15 months yesterday for me -- and it seems to me, it may be just my impression right now, that we carry this cloak - albeit most often invisible - of being a widow, wherever we go, whomever we are or will be... it reminds me of those license plates "combat veteran" that you see when driving around.  When I see that -- I ponder the depths of what they have experienced, and I respect them for their courage amidst great suffering.  And just like them, we carry on somehow. Even when we think we can't anymore.

Take care, Marie,

Patty

 

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9 hours ago, Patty65 said:

Dear Marie,

I think you are right -- the depth of our love, everyone here, brings us to the depths of despair -- it was 15 months yesterday for me -- and it seems to me, it may be just my impression right now, that we carry this cloak - albeit most often invisible - of being a widow, wherever we go, whomever we are or will be... it reminds me of those license plates "combat veteran" that you see when driving around.  When I see that -- I ponder the depths of what they have experienced, and I respect them for their courage amidst great suffering.  And just like them, we carry on somehow. Even when we think we can't anymore.

Take care, Marie,

Patty

 

I suspect we will always carry this cloak with us forever. It's just not as visible to others as the license plate you described. Sometimes I want to shout out loud "Don't you know the pain I feel". I know however that I can find solace on this forum as we all see each others cloaks and know the depth of the meaning behind them. For that I am grateful. 

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Hadn't ever thought about it but it's become really clear that my purpose in life was to be 1/2 of T&S. Now everything, even things that have absolutely nothing to do with Susan, like my work, seem meaningless. Reading by myself with Susan around - happy. Reading by myself now - sad.  Etc.  I'm making a big effort to reach out & not be alone but it feels like getting thru the day vs living. When the "never agains" hit nothing helps. My grief counselor says she is sure that I will find new purpose. Can't see it but holding on to "believe that we believe".

I suppose a small upside is that things I used to worry about seem meaningless too. I had a professional disappointment this week that would have bothered me a lot and it didn't even move the meter.

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Hi everyone.. still struggling here...as we all are. Thank you Patty.. and everyone else for your kindness and contributions to my post.

My counselor tells me it has not been that long and to be patient with myself - less judgmental.

Being positive is something I fell I should do.. but I don't succeed... and that's ok.

I have heard of that book option B.. I know option A is no longer available.... but I have no idea what option B would be...

My life view right now can be summed up as: I'm goo, how are you?

Meaning I am the chrysalis stage of development- being broken down and reworked to become a butterfly..

Patty - yes.. the invisible cloak..never thought of this experience as a combat vet - interesting parallel..The naval hospital did have me attend PTSD/ grief counseling right after the wreck though ... hmm..

Hugs everyone, Marie

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32 minutes ago, Marie Lee said:

I have heard of that book option B.. I know option A is no longer available.... but I have no idea what option B would be...

Marie Lee,

I just read the book, "Option B". My understanding is there was a Father's/child  function and the author, (Cheryl Sandberg) broke down because her husband died and was not able to participate.  Her friend said, " Option A is not available ( her husband) so we have to used Option B"( He was the substitute.

Reading the comments here, some people did not like or appreciate the book. Although I didn't agree with some of the political correctness of the book, I could hear and understand her grief.  None of us go through exactly the same experience and life affects us individually and personally. I can appreciate the fact that someone as high profile as she is (COO of Facebook) and yet she still experienced much of the same grief as we do as we trudge through our grief walk.  

Hang in and hold on because none of us know what we will experience in the future.  Your present circumstance does not predict your future.  This grief work takes time... Hang on to the hope.. one step, one day at a time.  - Shalom

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