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Lost Wife To Heart Attack at 46 yo


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My wife Lori and I met at work in 2002 and were married for 13 years. We all know the story; wife, lover, best friend. We did everything together. She still made me feel butterflies up until the end. Thick as thieves, partners in crime. You name the sappy, dopey, saying about people madly in love and it was us. We decided early on not to have children. Nothing wrong medically, we just chose to go through life as a party of two. Lori's medical history had always been fine. Her family medical history was a different story. Her mother had a massive heart attack at 50 but survived with complications. Both of her aunts had died of heart attacks in their early 50's. Her brother had a heart attack at 52 and survived. You see where this is going. On March 31, 2017 she complained of chest pains. We went to a stand-alone emergency room(not the one in a hospital) because it was close to the house. She had just gotten over bronchitis that week so we thought it could be related to that but wanted to be sure. She had gotten a clean bill of health from a cardiologist a month prior so we thought, "let's just make sure". The ER sent us home just after midnight with a benign medical diagnosis and we were relieved it wasn't her heart. We stayed up that night as she was still in pain. She went to the bathroom like she did a million times before. I heard her making sounds I knew were not right. That's when I found her on the floor struggling to live. I called 911 and started CPR. It seemed like hours before the EMTs made it but I felt a sense of relief that it would be ok now. We got to the hospital and they went right into the cath lab and found a 100% blockage in in artery. The docs came out and said they were able to place two stents and I thought GREAT, she made it and she's going to be ok. We'll get through rehab and nurse her back to health. There were so many meetings with the doctors for updates throughout the morning. Each one got a little more bleak. The news became worse and worse. Much of that day is a fog. I was a zombie just going through the motions, signing forms, trying my best to just make it to the next minute. There was to much damage to the heart. She died on 04/01 at 10:43 AM. One thing that is crystal clear however is the "oh no" moment I found her and fought along side her to keep her here. That image will forever be burned in my memory. Upon reflection those 5 minutes were, at once, both the worst and best moments of my life. I know that sounds strange but hear me out. It was the worst in that I felt so helpless even while giving CPR. I felt terror and fear that she was slipping away and I was powerless to do anything about it. It was the best simply because my sweet wife was not alone during that time. I was with her trying desperately to save her. We were together like we always were. She Was Not Alone. I hope she found comfort in me being there as I always had been. That is one shred of peace that I hold onto knowing that she may have felt some small bit of comfort having me there. 

Another thing I hold onto is that although this pain I am feeling is deeper and more agonizing than anything I could ever have imagined, she is not the one that is grieving me. I would never wish ANY amount of pain or heartache on Lori, let alone the depths of despair I am in now. I find comfort knowing that I am the one that bears the grief of losing a spouse and not her. It's what men are supposed to do. We're supposed to check out the noises in the middle of the night. We're supposed to put our coats down in the puddle so our damsel won't get her feet wet. THAT is what gives me an ounce of peace in this sadness. I also hold onto the fact that even though she was taken suddenly, we left nothing unsaid. We both knew exactly how we felt about each other. There are no regrets. We said I love you often and made sure we both knew how we felt about each other so I have no feelings of sadness that we could or should have said more.

For me it's still not day to day but moment to moment. I feel like a nuclear blast has leveled everything around me, but I'm still here. I never in a million years could have imagined the amount of sorrow and grief I feel right now. Everyone around me tells me how to "deal" with it. DEAL with it? This is not something you deal with. This is my life, not some insignificant blip on the radar. I think about her ALL day EVERY day. That's what her friends, co-workers, family don't understand. They saw her weekly, monthly, sometimes daily for short times. I was with her ALL the time. That's what they don't get. They had a piece of their lives taken. I lost the whole thing. I know they mean well but as I have seen on here in many posts, "you can't understand this level of loss until you've been through it". A small part of me WANTS everyone else to feel my level of hurt. I want to scream, "Don't you know what's happened? How can you carry on?" But at the same time I don't wish this pain on anyone. It's something that challenges me. Then there are the reactions I get from co-workers, acquaintances, etc... They don't know how to act. It's almost like I have a disease and they don't want to make eye contact. I get that fact that they may not know what to say, but I wish there would be some sense of normalcy. It's strange to say the least. 

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Eagle 96, I so much feel your anguish. I grieve with you because I know all too well how much you're hurting now. I had to end my wife's struggles by taking her off of life support on new year's day of last year. We had been together for a little over 41 years. Giving the order and signing the paperwork to turn the machine off was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. The fact that it was the only right thing to do didn't make it any easier. Like you and your Lori, my Cookie and I never had children either. The closest we came was the 4-legged kind. And like you, I begged God many times to take her first if it wasn't his plan to take us together. I had never experienced grief before my wife's passing, but I always had a sneaking suspicion that it wouldn't be a whole lot of fun.  Since I started this grief journey almost 1 1/2 yeas ago I have thanked God numerous times for not taking me first. I still have that burning hole in my gut, but somehow by the grace of God it has become a little easier to deal with now---on a good day. This may likely be something you will get tired of hearing at some point, but try to trust in the fact this this grief crap is a journey. It's a road with way to many twists and turns, but at some point in your future you will begin to notice small improvements. Cookie was my one and only shot at grabbing the proverbial brass ring, and was she ever a wonderful, beautiful one to be able to snatch. I still miss her every day, but somehow the emotional pain and anguish isn't as severe and all-consuming as it was this time last year. You picked out a good group to hang out at or come to when you need a shoulder to cry on. There's a whole lot of compassion and solace to be had here. 

If it helps I'm giving you a neighborly hug from a fellow Texican.

One foot in front of the other...

Darrel

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Eagle 96. I. Too, agree with the others that this IS the group. I can so relate to what you feel. I still feel terrible and wonder will it ever end. My husband of 52 years, was my best friend. He was my everything. We didnt have many close friends because we had each other. Not much more I can say except I wish you as well as you can possibly be and send you many hugs.

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10 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Everyone around me tells me how to "deal" with it

First off, please don't let anyone tell you how to "deal" with it.  Right now it is something that has its talons in you and you are at its mercy.  I love your attitude and your love for your beautiful wife.  

I know this is not a place you want to be, but you have men and women all hurting on here and we hurt with you and for you and for all of us.  Marty always is attuned to our feelings and has "readings" to help us.

Please just return and pour out your feelings and do not think you are ever "saying too much."  (Although most times I write word salads that you have to have a soup spoon to read).  And I usually say nothing, but I say it anyhow.  So can you.  We are all here for you.  I am sorry you have to be here.  

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Welcome Eagle-96, your incredibly moving post brought me to tears. Your story has similarities with mine, such as the nature of your wife's death, and we met at work also, and have no kids, and were married 15 years, were together 17. And indeed those last few days tie in very much with my story. I suppose the main difference is that my wife was constantly in and out of hospitals and had heart and heart-related problems all her life. But like you, during my darkest hours I can sometimes console myself that I with her during her last hours, and indeed during that final fatal heart attack until the medics rushed in to try to save her and ushered me out. I completely understand when you say that trying to save Lori was both the wost time of your life but also, in a way, the best. You were there with your love right at the end, just as you were at the beginning, doing everything you could for her.

It's nearly a year for me, and I so wish I could say that the pain lessens.....but I'm not sure that's true. I do think, though [well, speaking from my own experience anyway] it becomes just a little bit easier to cope with, and you find more ways to deal with the really bad times when previously there was just despair and numbness. This forum...well, I'm not religious so I don't want to offend the ones that are on here....but it's proved to be a godsend for me personally even if I don't post as often as some do.

Sending lots of man-hugs.

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Hi, Eagle...welcome to this site.  (I recognize you from the other one).  There is something notably different here from the other site and that is that we have a moderator who is a grief counselor here, she reads all of the posts and responds where needed.  This site has a "Tools for healing" section that is helpful, and also she has made available a one year course to help you through the first year.  You might want to check out the entire site and see what all there is, it has so much more than just the forum to help us.  I wish you well on your journey here.

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Thanks Kay, I've noticed some familiar faces here and some new perspectives as well. I'll check the rest of the site out and see what I can find. I told a close friend of Lori and I that is having a hard time with Lori's passing about the site and gave him the link. He's just not ready yet as he's not quite ready to accept that it's over. I told him that he can join when he is ready. Was able to have a REALLY good conversation with him and we both gained some perspective. Just another step on the journey. 

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On 5/18/2017 at 0:56 PM, Eagle-96 said:

I think about her ALL day EVERY day. That's what her friends, co-workers, family don't understand. They saw her weekly, monthly, sometimes daily for short times. I was with her ALL the time. That's what they don't get. They had a piece of their lives taken. I lost the whole thing. I know they mean well but as I have seen on here in many

I am so sorry for your loss.  My 49 year old husband died of a heart attack in his sleep Christmas night with no warning or history of any heart issues.  We had 23 years together but of course we assumed we had another 23 ahead of us.

I can see it in people's eyes when they run into me and remember,  oh that's right,  Scott is gone.  But I am never not aware of it.  I think grief like this is atmospheric, its a change in the very air we breathe. It doesn't just live in our thoughts, it's everywhere all the time.  

At almost 5 months certain things are easing somewhat but other things are harder.  I love your description of your relationship with your Lori. I wish you peace in the coming months. 

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I indentify with so much of your post. I lost my Brian on March 27. 

We were married almost 21 years and he was my everything. 

I too am glad he is not the one feeling the pain I struggle with day in and day out. He was a better gentler person than me. He had a kinder heart. I think with his aneurysm we would have died within days if I had gone first. I still wish we could have gone together because I am so empty without him. 

I put a picture of us on our wedding day on the lock screen of my phone. I have taken to kissing my phone. Such a silly thing to do but it brings me a small measure comfort. 

I miss him so much. I feel so empty. 

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56 minutes ago, Nightwinds said:

I indentify with so much of your post. I lost my Brian on March 27. 

We were married almost 21 years and he was my everything. 

I too am glad he is not the one feeling the pain I struggle with day in and day out. He was a better gentler person than me. He had a kinder heart. I think with his aneurysm we would have died within days if I had gone first. I still wish we could have gone together because I am so empty without him. 

I put a picture of us on our wedding day on the lock screen of my phone. I have taken to kissing my phone. Such a silly thing to do but it brings me a small measure comfort. 

I miss him so much. I feel so empty. 

Imho there are no silly things we may do. I won't even state some of what I do or you really may all think  I am losing it. Nevertheless, my hubbys death was pretty sudden and though we had been married 52 years it is never enough. Even though at our Age, we knew one of us would go before the other probably I still cannot really believe it. It is five months now and I do believe I feel worse, probably because the first couple of months I was literally numb. I did not cry externally for several months (would get the shakes instead) now doesnt take much to start me. I, too, miss him so much and can relate to each and every one of you in your grief. Hugs to each and all.

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24 minutes ago, Autumn2 said:

Imho there are no silly things we may do.

I wear Billy's wedding ring that we bought on our 11th anniversary, when we got our 50 year rings he had that ring melted into a white gold nugget.  His 50 year ring slipped off his finger and is at the bottom of the lake up here.  I have mine, but wearing it does not mean he is here.  I wear my mustard seed necklace with his nugget necklace.

I sleep on a lot of pillows, always have.  He slept on a pancake pillow.  In between my pillows are two pair of pants that he wore all the time and I recently found a Tee shirt he used to wear all the time.  They are tucked between my pillows.  

Does not bring him back, but we all do different things, rituals maybe even.  I talk to the clouds and like I said, Jesus and Billy have gotten jealous of each other because I talk to both of them at the same time.  Either that or they shrug and say "consider the source" but I think they both like me.

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12 hours ago, Adele said:

I can see it in people's eyes when they run into me and remember,  oh that's right,  Scott is gone.  But I am never not aware of it.

it's something that is lurking within and around us, all of the time.  We can't "take it off" at the end of the day, we carry it with us.
Five months is a hard time...you're very aware they're gone and not coming back.  I think I was still frantic at that stage.  I've adjusted as much as I'm going to at 12 years next month...it seems 3 years, 12, all the same, except in the years since I've worked on purpose and building a life I can do.  It's sure nothing like the life I used to have.  Of course I miss that, it just seems like a dream that I ever actually got to have it.

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“Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”  Paulo Coelho

I know people do not want you to grieve, to be morose, to walk around with a "long face" all the time, but you do not live to please people.  I say this, and I think sometimes I live to please my family.  I do not say that being kind, and I certainly am glad I have them, but I wish they would let me a little bit alone sometimes.  I am at the age the woman wrote about when she wrote "when I am an old woman I shall wear purple, with a red hat, etc."  

Advice is easy to give, all a person has to do is open their mouth and tell you how you should act.  But, let that person be in the same situation you are in and how would they react, how will they react?

I came back down here wanting to restart friendships with our old married friends.  Billy was jealous and wanted me to get rid of all my friends because they were a part of my "past" and at 18, honestly, you don't have much past except Mama, Daddy, grandparents, cousins, high school friends.  So, I accepted he wanted me to cut ties with my friends. (This was a young, unsure, immature Billy, he changed later on.)  I have not received a phone call from any of them, although all my old high school friends are right there for me, even after all these years. Then it hit me.  We all got married around the same year of time.  They are my age.  I am a walking, talking reminder of their friend that is gone.  Also a reminder that they hear the heavy footsteps coming behind them.  Unfortunately, one of the men friend's is still in rehab from a bad stroke.  No, they do not need me as a reminder of things to come.  

Most of my friends from my"past" have already lost their husbands so if I need a friend, I have them to rely on.  I have guilt that I have not visited a relative that is my age that just lost her husband, my cousin, and yes she is my cousin (this is Louisiana), but cousins from different sides of the family.  I need to reach out to her and just to let her know that life does go on.  Sometimes I wonder "does it go on?" and think maybe I am not one to talk to her.

So, to Billy's friends (and a small part of them my friends), I am just a reminder of things to come.  I have the dreaded disease of life, life without their friend.  They are afraid, and I don't blame them.  I should reach out my hand to my relatives and friends that death has visited their house.  I cannot offer advice other than "here I am, still alive."  

I cannot understand people who say ugly things to survivors.  All I can advise you, the person who has lost your mate, is stay away from well meaning people and their advice.  You live and mourn the best way you can, actually, the only way you can.  You want to be "better."  Well, you are "better" just by being here.  I, you, them, they, all of us, we hurt, we understand.

And sometimes we repeat ourselves.  I am sure I have this same thing written somewhere else on this forum at least once, maybe twice.  

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Reading this post made me join the site. Eagle, I TOTALLY relate. My wife of 47 years died 3/31 with no warning. She had been to the doctor for a persistent cough and stomach ache. Was told she might have pneumonia, was in overall good health, and didn't look her age. Susan was reading in bed and I was in the living room. I heard the water go on in the bathroom. Then I realized it had been on for a long time. When I looked she had fallen into the bathtub and had departed this life.

Susan was my whole world. We were best friends and were in touch all during the day. She was my sailing partner. Despite our age we were both very fit and active. I'm a competitive swimmer and she went up hills and moved around a boat like a teenager.  We had endless little routines, jokes, silly pet names etc. I'm told these will eventually be warm memories. However now they just bring up the pain of loss. Several times a day I'm reminded of something we will never do again. I cry a lot. Every brick in the city, every aspect of our home is a memory. We built a very warm world over 47 years and now it is gone.

I have tremendous support: professional, family, friends. I'm doing my best to avoid being alone. I've been seeking out and talking to those who have lost or are losing a spouse. However they mostly had some warning and time to prepare. I didn't even get to kiss Susan goodbye while she was alive. The sudden loss adds trauma to the rest. I really wish we'd gone together in a plane crash.

In my heart I don't believe that the rest of my life can be any good without her. When I see examples of people who have moved on I tell myself they weren't as close as we were & they don't understand. I'm told to try to keep it in the day and things will change. We'll see.  

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Welcome TomPB.  I am so sad to read of your wife's sudden death. My husbands death was sudden also.  He just didn't wake up after going to sleep Christmas night. Sometimes I am so glad we were spared the unique and extended anticipatory grief of a long illness.  But sudden loss brings such immediate shock and confusion with no time to say anything or process anything with our loved one.  It's all awful, but as one who has experienced sudden loss, I relate to the trauma you describe.  Even 5 months later, with life radically altered, the one person I want to talk to about all the changes is my husband.

This morning I took out the waffle iron to please our 11 year old and her friend who slept over last night, and all I could think about was how it is the first time I've made waffles since he died and how much he loved them. You are right; the reminders are everywhere all the time. I am learning that it is sad to do these things, but it is not less sad if I avoid them.  For me the right choice is usually to push onward and the next time it is not quite so hard. But I expect these things are different for everyone. 

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Dear Eagle and Tom. Welcome, this forum is the most compassionate place I've ever been. 

I lost the love of my life 3 years ago. Nothing was the same again. I could build up a normal-seen from the outside-life of work, household, extra study and etc. But I'm forever changed with my loss and it has affected my relationship with people in whole new levels I never expected to experience. I had support from the love of family and friends but nobody understood or understands my pain from my loss. And nobody made a significant step to understand my pain and just be with me, althoug today there is a lot of resources available just from Google. I found myself keeping all of it more and more to myself. Until I found this place. 

My personal experience is that my life of today with my loss is more manageable than my life on the early days, but not any better compared as "before THAT day". I'm not a better person, maybe more compassionate. 

No matter how we lost them, sudden or more or less prepared because of hospitalization or chronic disease, you are never prepared and it is a traumatic experience. Yesterday I was waiting for the bus, looking at some buildings around me, and I get a flashback from when we were called to rush to the hospital because he was dying. It all came back and I started to shed some tears. I will never forget. Then the bus arrived and I started to think of something else.

The good memories are still painful to me. Maybe it will change. I hope so. Our loved ones are forever with us, because of love. Love never dies.

Peace to both of you.

 

 

 

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14 minutes ago, scba said:

The good memories are still painful to me. Maybe it will change. I hope so. Our loved ones are forever with us, because of love. Love never dies.

My cousin and I argued over who had it worse losing our fathers.  Hers by heart attack, mine by four years of torture from cancer.  I was actually on the outside looking in.  I did not want my daddy to suffer so bad.  Her dad didn't suffer, but she did not get to tell him goodbye.  I do envy those that got to say goodbye.  Billy was telling me he had to leave and he got my anger for giving up.  He had fought so hard for me to live and I was angry because he would not "mind" me and live.  And, he was so vain that my last vision of him would be something he would not want me to think about.  But I do.  And, I have to tell my brain "no, no, no" and I have to quit it.  It would hurt Billy's feelings to know I remembered his death mask.  Cannot get it out of my mind.  The good memories are still painful also.

And Tom and Eagle, it is hard to welcome you to this forum, but it is the best place you can come to because we all hurt the same/different/many ways.  I joined when Billy had been gone three days.  I wonder if he helped me find this place.  For whatever reason, here it is and I hope you find one small atom of peace from being here.  

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Tom,

Welcome to this site, although I am very sorry for your reason being here.  I, too, lost my husband suddenly (heart attack, he was barely 51 and fit).  We had no idea he had heart trouble, he'd had a previous heart attack but didn't know it, the surgeon said he'd died and the airbag going off restarted his heart, it did a lot of damage, but we didn't know until that fateful weekend.  I never got to say goodbye either.

I do want to give you some pointers of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 5/21/2017 at 10:14 AM, Adele said:

This morning I took out the waffle iron to please our 11 year old and her friend who slept over last night, and all I could think about was how it is the first time I've made waffles since he died and how much he loved them. 

Adele,

Those times are tough for me as well. It's the little things I miss. I opened a cabinet this weekend to take out a bowl and saw her popcorn maker sitting there and lost it. No rhyme or reason to it. I guess our lot in life is that these moments will hit us when they hit us and we have to just roll with the punches. I try to turn these grief filled moments into a positive even though it's difficult sometimes. My first reaction to the microwave popcorn maker was, "She'll never use that again". But then I thought, Lori really loved making homemade popcorn and it brought a smile to my face to think of the little things that brought her joy. The happy moment was fleeting but, then again, so was the moment of despair.

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32 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

I opened a cabinet this weekend to take out a bowl and saw her popcorn maker sitting there and lost it.

Isn't it weird how it's the strangest things that hit us!

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Dear All,

Thanks so much for the welcome and the replies. I hear a lot of what I'm going through. Sunday I would make pancakes for Susan and yesterday I looked at the griddle and thought "I'll never do that again". I opened a kitchen drawer and saw her cookie making things...no end to it. Nobody who has not been left behind after a long, indescribably close and wonderful marriage has any idea. I am actually crying as I type this in a coffee shop full of millenials.  

kayc, thanks for that list. I'm actually doing most of it. I'm especially working on not being alone and talking to people. I get the most from someone who has also lost or is losing a spouse. A woman I swim with has a husband with terminal cancer & we've been talking after swim practice. My best friend lost his amazing wife about a year and a half ago and I talk to him a lot and am going to visit him this summer. The husband of one of Susan's sisters has terminal cancer and I've become close to both. He is a real power of example facing his death and we have long talks. None of them had the trauma of going into the bathroom wondering why the water had been on so long and seeing their other half lifeless. I'm not saying seeing a loved one die slowly is easier, but you do get to say goodbye and there is not that traumatic shock.

I have periods of being OK and waves of grief. I know this has to be 1 day at a time. However I can't help thinking that all I'm doing will never be enough. Well meaning friends tell me how Susan's spirit lives on, I must carry on so she'll be remembered, etc. That's all true, but I tell them I can't hold on to it at night. I've come through some tough times before. There was always hope of something better on the other side. Now best-case looks like less pain, not better....Tom

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19 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Dear All,

Thanks so much for the welcome and the replies. I hear a lot of what I'm going through. Sunday I would make pancakes for Susan and yesterday I looked at the griddle and thought "I'll never do that again". I opened a kitchen drawer and saw her cookie making things...no end to it. Nobody who has not been left behind after a long, indescribably close and wonderful marriage has any idea. I am actually crying as I type this in a coffee shop full of millenials.  

Tom,

 

1. You already know this but it's ok to cry no matter where you are. If others around you can't handle it then it's their problem, not yours. In our state it's brutally difficult to stop the tears when they want to flow. 

 

2. It reminds me of the saying(I'll paraphrase here), "Do not judge the person standing next to you for you know nothing of their struggle". I used to hear that saying but it never really resonated. After 04/01/17 it rings truer than almost any quote. I hope that I can now display the compassion I yearn for from others as I know all to well the deep meaning behind the saying.

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4 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm not saying seeing a loved one die slowly is easier, but you do get to say goodbye and there is not that traumatic shock.

I'm not sure there IS an "easier"...just different.  I lost my MIL & best friend slowly to cancer, I took care of her for three years.  It was very hard watching her go, bit by bit, thinking about the impending death day in and day out...and I lost my husband prematurely and suddenly, experiencing the shock of the unexpected.  I wouldn't wish either way on anyone.  Oh that we could go together!  Alas, we don't get asked how we want things to go.

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