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Lost Wife To Heart Attack at 46 yo


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They are gone is a horrible thing to say, to feel, to know.  Just like my cousin and I argued, her father died of a heart attack, my dad suffered like I cannot explain except to say he had decubitus ulcers on his heels where he dug them in from the pain.  The knowledge they were not going to give him anything but ice chips, were "letting him die" was experienced by both my dad and my father-in-law.  My father-in-law hung on six days like this.  My dad had what they call Cheyne-Stokes breathing and there would be pauses between each breath that we would pray would be the last.  Billy was letting me know he had to give up.  I would not accept it and missed the chance of holding the love of my life the final moments.  My fault, all on me, and I feel it to the core of my very being.

There is no easy way to accept they are gone.  I did not allow Billy to suffer but put a morphine tab in his mouth constantly in the ER.  I know he threw it right up.  My sister-in-law lay on white sheets, no labored breathing, and the clock just quit ticking.  No change in expression.  

No easy way to say goodbye whether you say it, don't say it, or angrily hold it back trying to "make them mind you" and not give up.  The only thing we can hope for is a fast end to any suffering.  

And in my lost, giving up brain, I wanted to go so far back in the woods no one could find me and end my suffering, and join Billy.  But then the doubt of religion snuck in.  I know my relatives need me, but that thought of leaving was the most comfort I have felt in 19 months. 

 

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Tom,

 

1. You already know this but it's ok to cry no matter where you are. If others around you can't handle it then it's their problem, not yours. In our state it's brutally difficult to stop the tears when they want to flow. 

 

2. It reminds me of the saying(I'll paraphrase here), "Do not judge the person standing next to you for you know nothing of their struggle". I used to hear that saying but it never really resonated. After 04/01/17 it rings truer than almost any quote. I hope that I can now display the compassion I yearn for from others as I know all to well the deep meaning behind the saying.

Eagle-96, I'm right with you, 3/31 and 4/1. The remarks of well-meaning friends have also made me aware that I should never make assumptions about a person unless I've walked in their shoes. Hopefully it will make me more compassionate. I did it myself yesterday. Was talking to closest friend who lost his wife about 16 ms ago. He was telling me how he'd moved on in some ways and I said "But you're stronger than me".  He called me on it and I realized right away I'd done it.

Came home today and in the mail was paperwork for being the beneficiary of one of Susan's accounts. I knew it was coming but it hammered home the reality of this new life. Really hurts.

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Tom, I bought a new purse at J.C. Penney's with money from our first retirement check that was made out to just me.  The woman who checked me out had to put up with me crying so much I could not explain why I was crying.  I still have not taken his name off one of our accounts, and know I have to.  But, it will forever be "Billy's Kindle" and I don't have to change that, it is just Billy's Kindle #5.  

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Marg,

i took Al's name off our Kohl's account today.  They had given me a check made out in Al's name and I will probably have a hard time cashing it.  - only $20 so not a big deal, but I figured I better do it.  Do you think that is why I cried all the way home?

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12 hours ago, MartyT said:

Dear ones, I thought of some of you when I read this just now: What Makes Sudden Death So Different?

Than you for posting this Marty. It was helpful.  I don't have the regret of not saying goodbye to Lori as we both knew how we felt about each other and told each other every day. My regret comes from second guessing myself and what I did to help Lori that night(Did I do a good enough job of CPR, did I take her to the right ER before the heart attack, should I have demanded more tests, Should I have gotten a 2nd opinion). I suppose I'll second guess myself forever even though the logical part of me knows I did everything I could based on what the doctors diagnosed. Like the author, I have the images of Lori dying in front of my eyes and being helpless to stop it. It haunts me.

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Marg and Gin, hear you. Checks will be T&S for a long time, I have lots. Susan always got the uber, zipcar and commuter rail, I just made my own accounts. Susan was the treasurer of our condo assn, all the condo mail comes to me now and I have to hand it off to her backup the new treasurer. I haven't cancelled her phone line. Phone is sitting on her beside table and still listed in mine under favorites. Haven't cancelled her credit cards yet. My benefits still covering her health care. The list is endless and painful.

Mary, thanks and thanks for running this group. My experience is that online forums always have a few members misbehaving, but I haven't seen any of that here.

Eagle, I do the same. I was all about protecting Susan, so why didn't I respond to running water sooner? Why didn't I stay with her when she said she felt nauseous? When doing CPR did I push hard enough?

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15 minutes ago, TomPB said:

My experience is that online forums always have a few members misbehaving, but I haven't seen any of that here.

Tom, I am probably the rowdiest, meanest (is that a word) on here.  And, how do you scold old people?  They cry......or curse.  We skirt religion and politics, some of us are thin skinned and take offence at minor things, but this is the best bunch of people I have "never been around."  And Marty is a wealth of information.  (To me) she is so much better and easier to talk to than counselors.  (And Tom, I have had shrinks and counselors before.)  

We all hurt.  Sometimes we hurt worse on alternate days and that person who is not hurting as bad today as yesterday is able to reach out and touch us.  But, sweet, gentle Marty, she really gives us some leeway in our feelings, but there is a line, and we all know it and feel it.  A wonderful bunch of hurting people that reach out and try to help with their heart.  We kind of walk that line because no one wants to lose anyone. 

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52 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Eagle, I do the same. I was all about protecting Susan, so why didn't I respond to running water sooner? Why didn't I stay with her when she said she felt nauseous? When doing CPR did I push hard enough?

And no amount of internal logic or people telling me I did my best will make me think any differently or make me stop second guessing myself. At least not yet anyway. I hope I get there someday but right now I just feel like I failed at the ONE job I always felt I was good at and was needed for so much at that moment in time. Protecting Lori.

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15 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

And no amount of internal logic or people telling me I did my best will make me think any differently or make me stop second guessing myself. At least not yet anyway. I hope I get there someday but right now I just feel like I failed at the ONE job I always felt I was good at and was needed for so much at that moment in time. Protecting Lori.

Eagle, you have read my guilt and questions.  You are young, but as old as I am I will always question that I should have done something else.  None of his family lived past their early 70's, and to you that is a lifetime, but to me, I was going to get him to at least 80, if I could.  Unfortunately, God took away my "God" magic wand and let me know who was boss after all.  My Mama lived to 95.  And, this is terrible, but I resented her living longer than Billy.  He enjoyed life.  She was bedridden and in sane moments wanted to leave and be with her sisters (very seldom mentioned my dad), but missed her family.  It is hard to accept the most precious things were never in our hands to control.  

Now, I have to quit procrastinating and do what I should have been doing for the last three days.  (It has been raining, but I use anything as an excuse.)

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22 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Than you for posting this Marty. It was helpful.  I don't have the regret of not saying goodbye to Lori as we both knew how we felt about each other and told each other every day. My regret comes from second guessing myself and what I did to help Lori that night(Did I do a good enough job of CPR, did I take her to the right ER before the heart attack, should I have demanded more tests, Should I have gotten a 2nd opinion). I suppose I'll second guess myself forever even though the logical part of me knows I did everything I could based on what the doctors diagnosed. Like the author, I have the images of Lori dying in front of my eyes and being helpless to stop it. It haunts me.

These feelings are common in grief, we second guess ourselves or feel guilty when we have nothing to feel guilty about.  My take is that it's our subconscious way of trying to come up with a different ending.  We loved them with all our hearts and would have done anything for them, but we didn't have the benefit of hindsight or the medical expertise their doctors had.  We did our best and we may realize that with our brain but it's hard to get that realization down into our hearts. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

Note: There are links to related articles at the bottom of these articles.

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49 minutes ago, kayc said:

These feelings are common in grief, we second guess ourselves or feel guilty when we have nothing to feel guilty about.  My take is that it's our subconscious way of trying to come up with a different ending.  We loved them with all our hearts and would have done anything for them, but we didn't have the benefit of hindsight or the medical expertise their doctors had.  We did our best and we may realize that with our brain but it's hard to get that realization down into our hearts. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

Note: There are links to related articles at the bottom of these articles.

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate you posting those articles. My guilt comes from the what ifs and the shoulda' dones. We took Lori to a stand-alone ER(one that is not attached to a hospital) on the Tuesday before she died. She was diagnosed with a pulled muscle in her chest from the bronchitis she had two weeks prior. We trusted them and went home. The Friday before she died she had more chest pains so we went back to the same ER at 11:30 PM. We even said, "should we go to the hospital ER" in the car on the way there. We decided to go back to the same place. It was literally a fork in the road scenario(what if I had turned left instead of right). She was diagnosed by the same doctor with acid reflux and we were sent home at 12:30 AM Saturday morning. She collapsed in the bathroom at our home at 3:30 AM on Saturday and the rest is history. I will always wonder if the CPR was good enough. To rub salt in the wound, we later learned after seeing the medical records from the stand-alone ER(EKG and blood tests) that she was actually having a heart attack when they first received her at 11:30. So in essence, my wife suffered for 4 hours in the throes of a heart attack due to the negligence of one ER doctor. The records ave been reviewed by multiple experts ranging from PA, to cardiologist, to ER doctor and they have all concluded that the doctor on Friday missed the easiest tests to read that indicated Lori was having a heart attack. Everyone has indicated that she should have been immediately taken to the cath lab at 11:30 on 03/31. Lori would be here now if he had done his job. So you see, my guilt is a difficult one in that I could have simply taken a left turn and Lori would be here right now. Just one left turn. Just one demand for a 2nd opinion. Just one demand for more tests. Just one simple phone call to her sister(in the medical field) for advice. It just hurts that I didn't protect Lori when she needed me most.

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Eagle...I know the feelings all too well.  George's doctor let him down also.  He should have been sent to a Cardiologist with his complaints and family history, but he wasn't taken seriously by his doctor and he did nothing to check him out.  Maybe he'd be here today IF...  But he isn't.  I beat myself up, "I should have pushed harder", "I should have taken the bull my the horns instead of letting George be responsible for his own health."  I made suggestions, but evidently, he needed a PUSH in the right direction.  I never wanted to nag or tell him what to do, I'd make a suggestion, if he didn't act on it, I figured he was a grown person.  But after he died, I wondered, "WHAT IF"..  You know the scenario.  I finally had to let that go, I did the best I could with the knowledge given at the time.  It was his doctor that really let him down.  He told his doctor of his complaints and symptoms and he literally did nothing.  Because of that, I lost George the same week he turned 51.  I made an appt. with same doctor and told him to promise me he would never again let someone die for lack of referral.  We had good insurance, there is no excuse.  But any guilt lies with the doctor, not me.  We just want so bad to turn back the clock and have a different outcome.

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13 minutes ago, kayc said:

Eagle...I know the feelings all too well.  George's doctor let him down also.  He should have been sent to a Cardiologist with his complaints and family history, but he wasn't taken seriously by his doctor and he did nothing to check him out.  Maybe he'd be here today IF...  But he isn't.  I beat myself up, "I should have pushed harder", "I should have taken the bull my the horns instead of letting George be responsible for his own health."  I made suggestions, but evidently, he needed a PUSH in the right direction.  I never wanted to nag or tell him what to do, I'd make a suggestion, if he didn't act on it, I figured he was a grown person.  But after he died, I wondered, "WHAT IF"..  You know the scenario.  I finally had to let that go, I did the best I could with the knowledge given at the time.  It was his doctor that really let him down.  He told his doctor of his complaints and symptoms and he literally did nothing.  Because of that, I lost George the same week he turned 51.  I made an appt. with same doctor and told him to promise me he would never again let someone die for lack of referral.  We had good insurance, there is no excuse.  But any guilt lies with the doctor, not me.  We just want so bad to turn back the clock and have a different outcome.

It's both sad and comforting to know that there are others in the same boat. I'm trying to let go of the guilt as I know in some far away corner of my brain that it was not my fault. It's just my dadgum heart that Lori held so tightly in her hands that won't allow my logic to win the day. It took a lot of courage for you to confront the doctor. Kudos to you. I have chosen to file a complaint with the medical board and to file suit. My goal is for there to be policy and protocol changes at the ER and for the doctor to never again have the opportunity to place someone else in the position he placed Lori and I. I couldn't live with myself if I knew that I did nothing and the same thing happened to someone else. In my heart I feel that if ONE life can be saved through Lori's death then my pain and despair will all have been worth it. 

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25 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Thank you Kayc. I appreciate you posting those articles. My guilt comes from the what ifs and the shoulda' dones. We took Lori to a stand-alone ER(one that is not attached to a hospital) on the Tuesday before she died. She was diagnosed with a pulled muscle in her chest from the bronchitis she had two weeks prior. We trusted them and went home. The Friday before she died she had more chest pains so we went back to the same ER at 11:30 PM. We even said, "should we go to the hospital ER" in the car on the way there. We decided to go back to the same place. It was literally a fork in the road scenario(what if I had turned left instead of right). She was diagnosed by the same doctor with acid reflux and we were sent home at 12:30 AM Saturday morning. She collapsed in the bathroom at our home at 3:30 AM on Saturday and the rest is history. I will always wonder if the CPR was good enough. To rub salt in the wound, we later learned after seeing the medical records from the stand-alone ER(EKG and blood tests) that she was actually having a heart attack when they first received her at 11:30. So in essence, my wife suffered for 4 hours in the throes of a heart attack due to the negligence of one ER doctor. The records ave been reviewed by multiple experts ranging from PA, to cardiologist, to ER doctor and they have all concluded that the doctor on Friday missed the easiest tests to read that indicated Lori was having a heart attack. Everyone has indicated that she should have been immediately taken to the cath lab at 11:30 on 03/31. Lori would be here now if he had done his job. So you see, my guilt is a difficult one in that I could have simply taken a left turn and Lori would be here right now. Just one left turn. Just one demand for a 2nd opinion. Just one demand for more tests. Just one simple phone call to her sister(in the medical field) for advice. It just hurts that I didn't protect Lori when she needed me most.

Eagle-96 I can so relate to your regret and guilt. If I and the hospital had only done things differently. I have written about what happened a whole back so won'tgo into it again. Bottom line...at the time I was with my husband as he was having a horrible time breathing and What did I say "keep your oxygen mask on, slow your breathing, etc. " and was holding his right arm down as the nurse on the other side was holding his left arm down. So he couldnt pull his oxygen off. I remember it so vividly...the sheer terror in his eyes and I had the opportunity to say "I love you so much" and didnt. Looking back I realize I was numb and still thinking or not he was going to be alright. Once he was sedated and intubated and had the massive heart attack I never had the opportunity to say those words. Lots of other things I regret, the hospital messed up bad, etc. but at his last I was not there for him mentally...I was holding him down. At times I hate myself. it is 5 months. Dont figure this is ever going to change. I am so sorry for how you feel and the losses of so many on this group. This group has been a great comfort to me as you all understand...even if in our brains we know we did our best,our heart says different. Peace to all of us!

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18 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm sorry to hear of so much sadness and suffering.  I feel bad for myself but I do feel fortunate that my sorrows are less complicated than those of you here.  Prayers and hugs to all.  ?

One thing I have found is that the grief journeys of those on this forum, although different, are not better or worse than anyone elses. We are all in the midst of a mighty struggle. Certainly there are secondary circumstances that can make things difficult(financial difficulties, illness, second guessing, no friends or family being close, etc...) but I hope you don't negate the magnitude of your struggle just because of someone else and their situation. I know of the pain that my cousin has endured for the past 2 1/2 years after her husband took his life so I feel for you and the road you walk.

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Thank you for your kind words @Eagle-96.  I hope your cousin has been able to work past the self blaming aspect of being a suicide survivor.  Between guilt and wondering 'why' it isn't a smooth journey.

Yes, all of us here are facing a mighty struggle.  I sure don't wish this on anyone.  I am so thankful for being able to come here to get help for myself and I want to return that help and support each one who is suffering.  Physically I can't do anything to actually be helpful.  I hope I can give some bit of wisdom or comfort to those here.

Loss by any means is painful and I agree that the journeys must not be compared.  On the days that my sorrows are better I can try to empathize with those whose days are filled with difficulty and sadness.  Praying for moments of comfort for each of us today and always. ? Hugs too.   I really miss his hugs ?

 

 

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23 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

It took a lot of courage for you to confront the doctor. Kudos to you. I have chosen to file a complaint with the medical board and to file suit. My goal is for there to be policy and protocol changes at the ER and for the doctor to never again have the opportunity to place someone else in the position he placed Lori and I

This was my doctor for 34 years, I used to work for him and knew him personally.  I felt my best mode would be to talk with him personally and extract a promise.  This was not his first death, first cardiac, due to lack of referral.  It's essential a doctor know his own limitations and know when to refer to a specialist.  He had lost someone else just a couple of weeks prior to George's death.  He was in practice at his own facility, had he been at a larger facility such as a hospital, I would have chosen the route you did.

 

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23 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

I had the opportunity to say "I love you so much" and didnt. Looking back I realize I was numb and still thinking or not he was going to be alright. Once he was sedated and intubated and had the massive heart attack I never had the opportunity to say those words.

He knows you love him.  All the same, you can tell him now.  I talk to my husband, all the time.  (Try not to let that scare you, I don't think I'm certifiable, I think a lot of us still talk to them. ;)  )  There's some things we know, some things we don't...when they pass they change form, they no longer inhabit their physical bodies.  I believe my husband still lives, in whatever form life takes once it leaves here as we know it.  The particulars we may not know, we decide for ourselves what we believe or don't believe.  I choose to believe he can hear me...who can prove he does not?!

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11 minutes ago, kayc said:

He knows you love him.  All the same, you can tell him now.  I talk to my husband, all the time.  (Try not to let that scare you, I don't think I'm certifiable, I think a lot of us still talk to them. ;)  )  There's some things we know, some things we don't...when they pass they change form, they no longer inhabit their physical bodies.  I believe my husband still lives, in whatever form life takes once it leaves here as we know it.  The particulars we may not know, we decide for ourselves what we believe or don't believe.  I choose to believe he can hear me...who can prove he does not?!

I struggle with this a lot. I know that Lori had a relationship with the Lord and that through our previous talks that she is now in Paradise with Him. My struggle with talking to her now(which I do every day) is that she is now too pre-occupied with performing the tasks she was created for and spending her eternity praising God for his mercy. I like to think that every now and then He lets Lori hear my conversations with her but there is much I don't know. I'll keep talking to her though as it's good therapy for me. 

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I do not go back and read my old notes.  But, my first one must have been about October 21st or 20th, 2015.  I do not know what led me here three days after Billy left me, but the guilt and suicidal thoughts were heavy on my mind.  I started writing my old refrain just now, but I will not write it.  But, I do sometimes think it and say "no, no, no, no" as many times as it takes to rid my brain of the truth.  We had some sort of pact, unspoken, but we could not leave the house without saying "I love you."  It would tickle Billy, but sometimes I would get down the road (before cell phones) and turn around and come back, because that boy  expected me to say it and would get his feelings hurt if I didn't.  I knew this, and I let him go without holding him.  There, I did it again, I said it again, and I hate that guilt.

Billy, while we were still children, married children, he was so jealous (not because I gave him reason), but because of his home situation.  He was unreasonably jealous, which unfortunately I nursed a smoldering fire inside me for the torture he put me through and I paid him back.  (Not proud of that).  Strangely, after those first 20 years, that boy was never jealous again, my payback hurt me worse than him, and the last 30 or so years were an almost perfect marriage/partnership.  I won't say we never got angry at each other, but I cannot remember them like I did the fusses of the first few years.  We grew up with our children.  

Someone moved into the apartments and I heard her talking to two more women who lived here about  one of our single men that moved in.  This guy is a true redneck and I just really like him.  He checks on Bri and me each day as if he was my own son.  He is just a friendly fellow.  (I know some of his friends).  Anyhow this woman hardly looks at him, and he does not flirt with her, just is friendly with her husband the same.  She mentioned how jealous her husband was of this and it all fell down on my head again and I found myself getting angry at Billy all over again.  And staying angry, even though I know how senseless this is, and I need to forget that part of my life.  It was just a training ground for what turned out to be good, and he apologized over and over and told me how wrong he knew he was to act that way.  

I know anger is one stage, but I don't like this stage.  Heck, I don't like any stage of this grief.

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No such thing as "stages," Marg. I'd suggest using the word "state" instead, which implies something that is far more temporary than a stage ~ as in "a state of anger." States come and go, and they happen to all of us. In all my years of companioning the bereaved, I've never met a grieving person who was in (or was staying in) a stage of anger. Just sayin' . . .;)

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That is so good to hear cause I could not stand to stay angry at my Billy.  Sometimes I think I use angry to squash down some of the grief.  ""Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of man, THE SHADOW KNOWS."  And, I can put that there cause I know you remember it   

So, I look up to the sky and I say "I love you Billy" and he looks down and says "just wait, we are having so much fun up here I don't want to come back."  Dinky little man.  (I love you Billy).  

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