Margm Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 Me too Dave. Would like to have known Dana and heard her talk about John Donne. I think it is a wonder living in the same lifetime as Robert Frost and knowing all the grief that man went through, and even after that how productive he was. I cannot imagine being productive period. And I still can see his mop of shaggy hair at the inauguration of John Kennedy. What an honor. I've seen some wonders in my lifetime, but the nicest was growing up in a papermill town where everyone knew each other and maybe being too naive to know there was so much bad in the world. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amstcole Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 I totally understood...I lost my husband almost 22 mos ago...there are things i regret. What helped me get past that was attending a griefshare.org meeting...since the regrets were destroying me. i should've loved him more- and now that he's gone, i really loved and miss him. so its been a struggle.. Anyway, praying for you... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 5 hours ago, Marg M said: Gwen, you mean something to someone. If not to someone around you, you mean something to us on this forum and I just wish you meant as much to yourself. 1 hour ago, DaveM said: the sharing of our burdens that happens here has helped me beyond any measure. Gwen, my dear, you asked, "Whose life do I make a difference to now? Whose life is complete with me in it?" I hope you take these comments from your fellow members to heart. I hope you know that your presence here with us matters. You've always been completely open and honest with us, and your honesty in sharing your thoughts and feelings with us matters. You help us to see that we're not crazy or weak or failures for feeling as we do. Grief hurts, and when you share your pain with us, we know we're not alone. The thing is, you may never know how much of a difference you've made in someone else's life by something you've been brave enough to share here with us. Like Marg, I so wish that you could value yourself and love yourself as much as we all value and love you. You are one of us. You matter to us. We wouldn't be the same without you here with us. 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 Thank you for all your replies. I know I am a part of mankind, spent my afternoon volunteering. i know that matters, but it's so fleeting not having the foundation of a shared 24/7 life that is just mine like all of us are missing. No one wondering why I was late getting home. I feel for you all dearly too. I know I can come here and be understood and validated. If I have given anyone some of that back it's because this is a family and that's what families do. Marty, amstcole (welcome), Marg, Gin and Dave....thanks for being here when I got home. ? Marg, my health is compromised right now in a very frustrating way with hypothyroidism which adds to depression and giving me daily headaches as well as many other 'fun' side effects. It's turning out to be a huge challenge to solve as (like you) I have other conditions making treatment extremely complicated. I'm sure it is adding to these dark places my mind has been going. My Catholic upbringing provided me with excellent education in private schools but the religion itself is one that I could never subscribe to. I am not a person of any faith. I had my mothers rosary for a long time but it broke. I remember her finding solace there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 14 hours ago, Gwenivere said: how do you come to accept that your being here or not doesn't impact anyone beyond a bit of crying maybe and remembered now and then? That you don't make life a special thing for someone as our partners made ours? I don't know, it's something I've struggled with as well, like my existence doesn't have special meaning to anyone in particular, not like it did with George. I matter to my animals, that's probably about it. I try to live in such a way as to bring meaning and purpose to my life, but face it, beyond the funeral, who would cry? Maybe my son, but I know he'd be okay, he has his family. My daughter...they'd still be trying to reach her. When we give of ourselves to others as you and I both do, I think we would be surprised at whose lives we touch. Remember "It's a Wonderful Life". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amstcole Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 you mentioned you're religious? Did you know that a relationship with Jesus is more than religion? that its about a relationship with Him, who you matter to...anyway, praying for your health and that you find peace... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 6 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I remember her finding solace there. I see so many people that seem to get peace from "reading" their rosaries. And faith........well, I am Baptist forever, never tried anything else, but because of what the youth minister did to my daughter, I find myself among people I am suspicious of. Yet, at my age, I know that is a cop-out. "Faith of our Fathers" does not have to be ours, but how long a time do I have to search, and the only ones who come searching for me are the Jehovah's Witnesses. I saw my "good man" father push people out of the church because they were sinners and lived together without being married. He was one of three deacons and did not do it alone, but everyone looked to him as a good man, and he was, but that is what church is for, to accept us all as sinners. I am getting too deep in a subject that whirs in my head like a Nutri Ninji mixer. It, like politics, should not be discussed here and sometimes I break enough laws of man. (I understand politics less than religion). Health: That is something we take for granted a lot of times, and we are all here for reasons of different health crises that have hit our families. My granddaughter has had hypothyroidism for years now, and she is only fixing to be 18. Lots of her troubles they attribute to this. Volunteering: I do that every day, but it is family. We go tomorrow for an ultrasound on my granddaughter's tummy and why she has the pains she has. I have to move her primary care physician closer. Will get papers and fill them out tomorrow. Or send them to her mother to fill out. In the meantime, we wait. Now it is 4-6 weeks to get her wisdom teeth out. Who is to blame? Government red tape that will choke the life out of so many people. The length of time you have been alone Gwen, that shows me you are a mighty fighter. Even fighters get tired sometimes though. But you, we all, we keep fighting. Are battles ever happy battles? Probably not. I have lots of questions about life for someone who has lived as long as I have. I think the answers are elusive. Besides, if I find an answer, I have already forgot the question. Hang in there Gwen, it is not a happy time for any of us, but we are all on that front line with you fighting. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 22 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Rhetorical questtion, but how do you come to accept that your being here or not doesn't impact anyone beyond a bit of crying maybe and remembered now and then? That you don't make life a special thing for someone as our partners made ours? Gwen, with all the emotional issues swirling around our grief laden minds, I just don't think that's something you need to worry about. I can understand the worry about meaning something to people while you're alive, but once your gone? It just seems like you're putting added emotional stress that you don't really need. Our new life alone basically sucks, we all know that. It's not what we signed up for. But, it's the only life we have. There's no do-overs, unfortunately. Right now, it's all about you and trying to find some measure of comfort or even a glimpse or two of happiness. That's the goal anyway, isn't it? We don't have our beloved partner with us to ease our pain or to let us know things will be OK. They're not here to lean on or love on. We often feel like an empty shell going through the motions and wondering why we bother. Well, the reason we bother is that no matter how different this new life is, no matter how hard or painful, life is a gift. And there's no doubt that our loved ones would want us to not only survive, but to thrive. For me, it's about taking it a day at a time, doing the best I can. It's about honoring Tammy and keeping her memory alive. It's hard, if not impossible to maintain a positive outlook on the future all the time. We'll always have good days and bad. The tears will always be with us. Yet, there is much good in this life and there is a future for all of us. You just gotta have hope. Mitch 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 6 hours ago, amstcole said: you mentioned you're religious? Did you know that a relationship with Jesus is more than religion? that its about a relationship with Him, who you matter to...anyway, praying for your health and that you find peace... Thank you for your prayers. I am not a religious person so the Jesus thing is out. If I have any envy, it is of people that find solace in that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 58 minutes ago, mittam99 said: Well, the reason we bother is that no matter how different this new life is, no matter how hard or painful, life is a gift. And there's no doubt that our loved ones would want us to not only survive, but to thrive. It's hard, if not impossible to maintain a positive outlook on the future all the time. We'll always have good days and bad. The tears will always be with us. Yet, there is much good in this life and there is a future for all of us. You just gotta have hope. Mitch, I know you mean well, but if I hear life is a gift once more, I'll implode. My health is so compromised and I am alone. This does not feel like a gift. Of course Steve would want me to thrive, but it's not working out that way. My goal before was finding a level of contentment in this new life without him. Not battling day after day to not leave it behind because nothing has any meaning for me. i had good days amid the bad last year and they kept me going. That is not the case now. Hope is a word I know, not a feeling I have anymore. I'd love to feel it, but I don't and that can't be forced. my apologies to everyone for this run of negative posts, but I am so worn down, sleep deprived as well as battling panic attacks all day. If it were just grief (and I don't mean that lightly as I know the hell that is) it would help. I'm caught in 2 battles that conflict. Physical and mental and I have to do the necesssary things for my dogs and things like eating myself. just some small pleasure would be nice like eating. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle-96 Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: Mitch, I know you mean well, but if I hear life is a gift once more, I'll implode. My health is so compromised and I am alone. This does not feel like a gift. Of course Steve would want me to thrive, but it's not working out that way. My goal before was finding a level of contentment in this new life without him. Not battling day after day to not leave it behind because nothing has any meaning for me. i had good days amid the bad last year and they kept me going. That is not the case now. Hope is a word I know, not a feeling I have anymore. I'd love to feel it, but I don't and that can't be forced. my apologies to everyone for this run of negative posts, but I am so worn down, sleep deprived as well as battling panic attacks all day. If it were just grief (and I don't mean that lightly as I know the hell that is) it would help. I'm caught in 2 battles that conflict. Physical and mental and I have to do the necesssary things for my dogs and things like eating myself. just some small pleasure would be nice like eating. I am sorry that you are at such a low point. Sometimes it seems that all is lost. Know that I hear you voice. I won't pretend to say that I know your pain because our walks are all different. I'll just say that I hope that you can find peace amongst the sadness you are enduring so heavily. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 On 5/22/2017 at 5:14 PM, Gwenivere said: Rhetorical questtion, but how do you come to accept that your being here or not doesn't impact anyone beyond a bit of crying maybe and remembered now and then? That you don't make life a special thing for someone as our partners made ours? Like most couples, we never had to think about it, it just.....was. When we lost friends and family we were together to process it and, like those around us, carried on in our full life together. We may have talked about if that happened to us, but it hadn't. We were just sad they were gone which brings me around to the original feeling. Whose life do I make a difference to now? Whose life is complete with me in it? We all want to feel special in that way... Gwen, that's exactly the thought that was hitting me today. I feel the same pain. What is the point of my life now? We'd never said it, but I now realize very clearly that I lived to love Susan and to be loved by her. It made everything good. What can ever replace it? I'm reaching out to friends and family like never before & they love me but the strength of those relationships is tiny compared to what we had. They help me endure where before I had joy. I can only hope people are right when they tell me I'll find new purpose, so I'll endure for a while, even tho I feel like a ghost. I'm at day 53. Best wishes...TomPB 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted May 23, 2017 Report Share Posted May 23, 2017 I'm sorry Gwen. I know panic attacks, but I do not know them to the extreme depths that yours afflict you. And no, meditation does not help. It is like giving an aspirin for a broke leg. Sometimes the things that help some people cannot help everyone. I manage my Xanax in a way that is probably in itself panic. Just know we think about you. And sometimes the things that help some people does not touch other people. No words help. I wish there was someone to hear you that could help you though. I know you have stretched your limits. I was washing clothes today and hanging them up. There was a woman in there and it is totally against my nature not to talk to people. Somehow, I could not even acknowledge she was there. I'm sorry unknown woman. I just was not up to it. The only thing I can do is prayer and to be honest, I am not sure it will go any higher than the ceiling. I will do my damnist though. Please know your cared for. You are one of us and any failure is our failure also. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Lenera Posted May 24, 2017 Report Share Posted May 24, 2017 11 hours ago, Gwenivere said: Thank you for your prayers. I am not a religious person so the Jesus thing is out. If I have any envy, it is of people that find solace in that. I envy that a bit, I must admit. And that's one reason why, while I'm in no way religious [I'm basically a lapsed Catholic, left it behind when I was about 16 for a variety of reasons], I'm in no way shape or form one of these haters that seems to be so common at the moment. If it helps one through the grieving process, then that's got to be a good thing. And I am a little jealous. But I know it's not for me. My Jo's voice inside my head, in a way her ghost posessing me, does manage to do the job some of the time during low points. I can't even begin to imagine how bad it must be to have to deal with panic attacks along with continued grief. The nearest thing I have to that is that two evenings before Jo died I all-but-fainted in Waterloo station, and it pretty told me what was coming. And since then, every now and again during low points, I feel like I want to faint, though it never totally happens. The doctor says it's totally a form of grieving and says he can't really do anything. So I have to live with it. But it's nothing really compared to what you're going through. All I can really add is please hang on in there, and you know these things do tend to take an upwards swing eventually. And answer to another point - yes, life sucks right now, I think that's very true....though that does me I've tried to appreciate the meagre good moments a bit more these days. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 24, 2017 Report Share Posted May 24, 2017 23 hours ago, amstcole said: you mentioned you're religious? Did you know that a relationship with Jesus is more than religion? that its about a relationship with Him, who you matter to...anyway, praying for your health and that you find peace... I've gone back over this entire thread and don't see where anyone referred to themselves as "religious". If you're directing this at someone in particular, it helps to quote them so we can follow your line of thought. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 24, 2017 Report Share Posted May 24, 2017 Gwen, I hear you. None of us are going through exactly what you are going through day in and day out, and yet even we have a hard time with the not mattering to someone anymore like we shared with our spouse. Even things like knowing there's no one to care for my dog and cat if I have to go into the hospital, it leaves you feeling very alone. I'm working on building friendships but it's slow go. I look at the husband and wives I know, they take care of each other, they're a team, we don't have that anymore. Even believing love continues and we'll be together again doesn't make up for our not having them in our lives now like we used to. I've only found to keep on keeping on, and don't know any other way. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2017 7 hours ago, kayc said: I've gone back over this entire thread and don't see where anyone referred to themselves as "religious". If you're directing this at someone in particular, it helps to quote them so we can follow your line of thought. I hope you reread the post as amstcole said she thought I might be religious and I addressed that. The post was quite clear with hers quoted and my answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted May 24, 2017 Report Share Posted May 24, 2017 On 05/23/2017 at 2:50 AM, Gwenivere said: Thank you for all your replies. I know I am a part of mankind, spent my afternoon volunteering. i know that matters, but it's so fleeting not having the foundation of a shared 24/7 life that is just mine like all of us are missing. No one wondering why I was late getting home. I feel for you all dearly too. I know I can come here and be understood and validated. If I have given anyone some of that back it's because this is a family and that's what families do. Marty, amstcole (welcome), Marg, Gin and Dave....thanks for being here when I got home. ? Marg, my health is compromised right now in a very frustrating way with hypothyroidism which adds to depression and giving me daily headaches as well as many other 'fun' side effects. It's turning out to be a huge challenge to solve as (like you) I have other conditions making treatment extremely complicated. I'm sure it is adding to these dark places my mind has been going. My Catholic upbringing provided me with excellent education in private schools but the religion itself is one that I could never subscribe to. I am not a person of any faith. I had my mothers rosary for a long time but it broke. I remember her finding solace there. Gwen: I don't know you (wish I did), but I want you to know that you really matter to me, even though I'm out here in virtual land. I always look for comments you've made because everything you say is so very much like how I feel and I get some comfort in not being alone in my misery. It's like you state it so well, I don't need to write it myself. Also, you are so articulate and say everything so clearly and honestly. I would be so sad if you were not on here...really. Warmly, Cookie 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted May 25, 2017 Author Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 Thank you, Cookie. Is there such a thing as a virtual blush? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 On my way to a Funeral tomorrow, a fine lady who gave of herself in so many ways.....She convinced me 20 months ago of living on through Grief and finding a true path....That journey is still ongoing with me, but she saw great value in living and made it clear to the Family she was going to be fine.....Her son told me it is beyond words, she is 85 years old, laying in hospital bed, totally at peace, and not a wrinkle on her face....I think there is hope for all of us...take care 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 Now if we can all tune our life to the right channel, like this woman listened to, like you hear, we can, if not dance, we can listen to the music. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 17 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I hope you reread the post as amstcole said she thought I might be religious and I addressed that. The post was quite clear with hers quoted and my answer. I did read that but you did not refer to yourself as religious, it was her assessment. On 5/24/2017 at 6:29 AM, kayc said: I've gone back over this entire thread and don't see where anyone referred to themselves as "religious". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted May 25, 2017 Report Share Posted May 25, 2017 I FEEL FOR YOU Gwen. Losing our loved ones is so damaging and difficult in itself, but adding health issues to our grief is like a slow painful death. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my life but since my husband's death it has been so much worse. Trying to find things to look forward to has been impossible. Each day is a one foot in front of the other day but I keep plodding along. At nearly 16 month I'm exhausted dealing with making decisions about finances, I should say the lack of, and problems with my home and property. I continue to have trouble with what family there is and with people that I thought were friends. I've had so much loss since January 5, 2016 that it is overwhelming for me. Financially my husband had not worked for a year and we had started a small home based business so money was scarce. Mostly I don't know if I'm coming or going. I know some people would be able to walk through my troubles and grief with grace and a brighter spirit and that knowledge makes me feel worse. We are all individuals who manage/deal with things in different ways but FOR ME THIS LIFE IS TOO HARD! I often feel like there are far more reasons to give up than to keep going... But, every once in awhile something happens that resets my mental status. Those momentary glimmers are often seeing joy in the eyes of other people; particularly in children and the elderly. I'm hanging on to those glimmers. When I'm feeling done I think of the look in their eyes. I want to see that when I look in a mirror. I really hope that you will find something that gives you that glimmer. That tiny moment gives me the desire to keep looking for more glimmers and I wish that for you too. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted May 27, 2017 Report Share Posted May 27, 2017 Gwen - You said exactly what I think about a lot: I didn't know how much I loved him and was loved by him until I lost my husband ... I didn't want to be alone - don't mind solitude- but how do I do this now? Hugs- Marie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted May 27, 2017 Report Share Posted May 27, 2017 Just got back from the Funeral and I am pumped....This is great Poem that was recited and appropriate for our individual Valleys.... Sometimes life seems hard to bear, Full of sorrow, trouble and woe. It’s then I have to remember That it’s in the valleys I grow. If I always stayed on the mountain top And never experienced pain, I would never appreciate God’s love And would be living in vain. I have so much to learn And my growth is very slow. Sometimes I need the mountain tops, But it’s in the valleys I grow. I do not always understand Why things happen as they do. But I am very sure of one thing. My Lord will see me through. Forgive me Lord, for complaining When I’m feeling so very low. Just give me a gentle reminder That it’s in the valleys I grow. Continue to strengthen me, Lord And use my life each day To share your love with others And help them find their way. Thank you for valleys, Lord For this one thing I know. The mountain tops are glorious But it’s in the valleys I grow! by Jane Eggleston Share253 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now