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When Brian passed several of his family and friends took his photographs from my Facebook account and changed their profile to Brian's photo. 

It really upset me at the time. I knew within 2 months they would change their pictures and go on with their liives just like before he passed away. 

Well that is exactly what has happened. Everyone has moved on. I am stuck. Its been 2 months. I don't feel I will ever move on.

One of the people that changed his profile picture called to check on me about a month ago.  I said how I miss Brian so much I can't breath.  He told me "we all do."  I wanted to scream at him and tell him you have seen him once in the last 6 years.  He  has been my world for 21 years day in and day out.  I kept my temper (it takes to much energy to get that angry) and I got off the phone and had a major breakdown.

I'm 48 years old with medical problems. Brian was 49 years old. Brian and I always joked that it was a great thing we found each other since no one would ever want to deal with our issues. 

I have had some days that were not as terrible and I don't cry every night anymore.  I feel guilty for letting Brian down.  I feel like I should still be as upset as the week he passed. I have no one I can talk to besides this group that understands how devastated I am about losing Brian but to the people around me it looks like I'm fine and moving on with my life like nothing has happened.  The main time I tear up is when I talk about him now and I breakdown with anxiety attacks at minimum one night a week. 

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Nightwinds,

I can see how you would be upset about the photo switchout. One of those "in" things about Facebook is to change your profile photo to whatever is trending at the moment, be it a rainbow for whatever headline is showing today, or in your case, the loss of a friend. I don't do that myself, but have plenty of acquaintances who do. Dana's best friend put her picture up for maybe 2 days before she moved on. That too hurt, with the exception that I was able to download a pic I didn't previously have.

I also understand your feeling that you "should still be as upset as the week he passed."  At five months and counting, I have also felt that. But please try and push away from feeling guilty. You have not let him down. I would bet almost all of us here have gone through that. Just know that we care.

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4 hours ago, Nightwinds said:

I feel like I should still be as upset as the week he passed.

Oh Nightwinds, my heart goes out to you!  PLEASE don't feel guilty for "beginning to adjust to loss", that is what we need to do!  That is how our bodies and brains are wired, thank God we're built in with some measure of resilience and coping ability, if we weren't, we'd be up the creek!  If I had to live with the intensity of the pain I had in the beginning, I could not handle it.  It affected me physically, my blood pressure, I got severe edema, to the point where it was dangerous to my heart, my anxiety was beyond out of control.  There's no way I could endure even the physical symptoms on a prolonged basis.  I was sleeping 1-3 hours a night, and going to work the next day.  That'll beat anyone down!  My brain couldn't think, focus was gone, I was making mistakes at work, I don't know how I functioned at all but it wasn't normal for me at all.  Emotionally, I was a wreck, in a state of panic, scared.  I have to give myself credit for continuing to try, continuing to look for positive in my life, and the fact that I didn't blow my brains out speaks to my effort to keep trying.  This is way too hard, and I am glad if any of the tears are lessening, if you can smile even for a moment, if you are adjusting little by little...that is to be coveted, that is the goal.

 I read an article in that first year that said we need to give ourselves permission to smile.  Oh how I wish I'd saved that article!  IT IS NOT OUR MOURNING THAT HOLDS US TO THEM, IT IS OUR LOVE AND THAT CONTINUES!

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On 5/28/2017 at 4:09 AM, Nightwinds said:

 I have no one I can talk to besides this group that understands

 

On 5/28/2017 at 7:02 AM, DaveM said:

You have not let him down. I would bet almost all of us here have gone through that.

I think that is why this group is here, we all have loss.  And, NW, I cannot let my guilt go, but I don't let it control me anymore.  I let a brief moment of happiness in when I wanted to go see "Journey" and they are coming to neighbor city.  I was so elated that I shocked myself back down into the guilt gutter.  I shocked myself.  Happiness?  I am not allowed happiness unless Billy shares it with me.  At 19 months, I now realize that anything I feel that is close to happiness, is mine.  Actually, the guilt is fading.  Time?  No, that thin layer of scar tissue covering the wound.  It does not take much to rip it away and leave bare hurting wounds.  I realize, we are not denied happiness.  That is allowed, but somehow I cannot find it yet.  

I don't go back usually and read old posts I have made.  Maybe I should.  Sometimes I just repeat things.  I'm sorry, I wrote the same stuff below, so I will just delete part of it.

I remember my grandmother, this was my Mammaw, and she was a sweet woman, I wanted to be like her, but as a grandmother, not as a person who repeats things over and over.  Bless her heart, after my dad passed at age 64, she kinda lost her little mind and would repeat something over and over.  Maybe I have reached that point.  

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I am going to look into volunteering somewhere or find a way to get out. Sitting in my house alone makes things worse. I realized last night I will be sad when the work is finished on my house. I will not have company every day anymore. 

The bad anxiety attack I had happened the day they were not here and I was alone all day. I tried working myself stupid but that only made things worse. I ended up tired and physically miserable as well. 

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Nightwinds,

I pray you find a volunteering position that brings you much satisfaction and enjoyment, something meaningful to you.  I think the situation with the workmen vs being alone has been revealing to you.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 5/28/2017 at 9:08 AM, kayc said:

IT IS NOT OUR MOURNING THAT HOLDS US TO THEM, IT IS OUR LOVE AND THAT CONTINUES!

NW, don't get upset with your's and his friends.  The first thing I did when I moved back to our old hometown was get in touch with his friends. We were out of state and they did not know Billy had passed.  They never contacted me again.  Billy was jealous of my lifelong friends and to keep peace (we were so young and immature), I made friends with his friends.  We had years of close friendship until our children's activities took up more of our time, and that was all of us.  When they found out I had cancer, a few got in touch with us, but somehow I felt offended at that time because it seemed they were saying goodbye.  By some miracle, I did not die, but we did not all keep in touch either.  We all were busy with our life that we all were living, coworkers, other people in our life, our parents getting old and passing away.  We saw them then.  That was okay, no thoughts of "where were you" ever thought.  It was just life lived.  Then I called his deceased cousin's wife, who I had not talked to in years.  At the time I did not know grief, real grief in person..  She had lost two adult young sons and also my husband's cousin in a car wreck.  Mary and I just loved each other as friends.  At the end of the conversation, the facts had hit both of us in the face.  That was a past that hurt her so much.  I was part of that past and even though I knew she still cared for me, I was also part of her grief, a grief she lived with but had remarried after many years and was trying to lead her life now..  I told Billy that I was part of a painful memory to Mary (we were pregnant at the same time), and I would not talk to her again.  I doubt if she knows Billy is gone.  I won't call her again, I will just hope for peace for her now.

Again, I informed our friends here in our old hometown.  I never heard from them again.  My feelings are not hurt at all.  I am a reminder of something they will have to face one day and I am sure they already hear the footsteps.  This is why you have to admire the real Angels that monitor a place like this and all the real Angels that work in hospice.  Someone has to do these things, but for myself, I would rather try to train a tank of rattlesnakes to sleep.  

We carry a powerful thing on our backs and only Angels can help us with this load.   I have friends I can talk to, all those friends I left when I got married, they are still my friends and reach out to me occasionally.  The thing that they understand, most have already lost their husbands, is that when I am ready for socializing, I will reach out, and I know they will still be there.  Don't be offended.  We, somehow, show the world that we all are mortal.  

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Marg,

You're lending a whole different perspective to this, which I appreciate.  When George died, all of our friends disappeared, and I have to say, I resented that.  I didn't ask to lose my husband, and I sure didn't ask or expect to lose all our friends overnight.  I still don't think that's an appropriate way for friends to respond, but I've had to learn to live with it.

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Kay, most days I am a "whole nuther animal" than the day before.  My friend Hettie could not  understand why their couple groups excluded her after her husband passed.  It was rude of them and I could see they hurt her feelings terrible.  Hettie did not realize that she was a reminder that they were going to face being alone, and soon.  The shunning is not appropriate, but it is truthful.  I wish many more years for my friends, but one already is in rehab from a stroke.  The 80-year-old one that was Billy's childhood friend's brother, he was in some other world, and I think his wife has her hands full, They have been married about 56 years now.  He did not know me, which showed me something was wrong.  And, he is not the one who had the stroke.

Another cousin posts on FB each day and I can read between the lines.  When he got a clean bill of health from his prostate cancer, the dementia had already started.  She reaches out each day with quotes and pictures.  No words saying "Help Me" but her kids live a long way from home and like all of us, she knows she has to endure.  

It is like I said about Billy's cousin's wife.  We were more than friends, we were true cousin-in-laws.  I don't want to hurt her at all, and I'm afraid it would tear off scar tissue.

Sometimes we cannot go back.  Sometimes people leave us.  Sometimes we leave people.  And we do not practice good etiquette, we all are in a survival mode and trying to find the top of the water.  If they ask for my help, when they need it, I will be there.  I don't think I could reminisce with any of them though. 

We are all alone walking this path.  I have friends, but they do not push me, yet I know, if I need them they are there.   This forum keeps me from pestering anyone but ya'll.  

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Hello all, I am new here.  I have never been on anything to do with social media.  I lost my husband last October after a very hard four month fight.  We had just gotten married two months before this nightmare started.  We have been together a long time.  I just cannot seem to feel better.  I agree with Marg M - I hate to pester my friends and family.  Hopefully here I will find a way to move forward. 

Deb

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D&P, you keep reading.  We pour our hearts out here, at least what is left of them.  I am so sorry you have to join us, but here we are, and we understand everything you have to say because we are there, have been there, and will probably go there again and again.  

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On 5/28/2017 at 5:09 AM, Nightwinds said:

I have had some days that were not as terrible and I don't cry every night anymore.  I feel guilty for letting Brian down.  I feel like I should still be as upset as the week he passed. I have no one I can talk to besides this group that understands how devastated I am about losing Brian but to the people around me it looks like I'm fine and moving on with my life like nothing has happened.  The main time I tear up is when I talk about him now and I breakdown with anxiety attacks at minimum one night a week. 

I'm right there with you.  

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Deb, you held on a lot longer than i could.  I went looking immediately and found this place at three days after Billy had passed away.  I like to think he found it for me, or at least he would approve.

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Hi Marg M - probably because there was so much support at first.  Now others look and I feel like they are thinking just get over it and move on.  I did not plan to be a fifty year old widow in my life.  I lost the identity that I loved.  So slowly I have tried to re- identify myself - what helps you?  I have read tons of books -

Deb

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On ‎6‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 7:25 AM, kayc said:

Marg,

You're lending a whole different perspective to this, which I appreciate.  When George died, all of our friends disappeared, and I have to say, I resented that.  I didn't ask to lose my husband, and I sure didn't ask or expect to lose all our friends overnight.  I still don't think that's an appropriate way for friends to respond, but I've had to learn to live with it.

That is sad - friends should be there.  I still have people who do not know what to say to me.  Its like hey I am human and just like to talk - doesn't have to be about the loss - I see people avoid me in the grocery store - oh well - ignorance is bliss I guess.

 

Deb

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Deb and Pat,

I am sorry for your loss, but am glad you found your way here and look forward to knowing you.  This is a good place for helping one through grief, it helps to have those who "get it".

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Welcome. With me some are moving on, some not. I'm disappointed that most of Susan's siblings have not only moved on, they don't even seem to be grieving her much.  Of mine, I'm in touch with 3/4 almost every day and my friends and her freindsare great. Certainly enough to provide good support. Of course it's only day 74.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Deb and Pat,

I am sorry for your loss, but am glad you found your way here and look forward to knowing you.  This is a good place for helping one through grief, it helps to have those who "get it".

Thank you - I have really found comfort here.

Deb

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1 hour ago, Deb and Pat said:

So slowly I have tried to re- identify myself - what helps you?  I have read tons of books -

Deb

Deb, I guess the responsibility of my granddaughter and finding help for her health problems and life problems helps me the most.  I think it might hinder me from totally grieving the time needed, but I think back often on what Rose Kennedy said, and I think this is true, I won't quote her exactly, I have probably too many times already, but I do know she had to lean on her faith a lot, as did Jackie, and I know that is not the answer for everybody.  But Rose said that time does not heal the wounds we have, but it does provide "scar tissue."  I think with time, maybe we might realize what that means, and it will mean different things to every one of us.  We have faced the worse shock of our life, and we hope there will be no more, but as long as we still live, if we still have people we love, the fear will now be forever with us.  I wish it was not so.  My former family practice doc asked me what I would do with my life after my granddaughter was able to take care of herself.  I simply stated "I don't care."  She gave me antidepressants that could have killed me with me not wanting antidepressants.  She knew my health history and the first side effect alone could have killed me.  Maybe she was trying to help my "I don't care" attitude, and she did.  I fired her.  I cared more than I thought.  

Reading the books help sometimes, but that one book I mentioned in prior notes, it bothered me more than helped.  

The people's remarks, maybe not talking to me, which in my case, I only talk on here (too much), anyhow, the remarks do not bother me.  But, my friends are there if I need them.  It is me that avoids them.  I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I honestly do not need them right now.  Most have lost their husbands already and I think they understand.  I do have one friend that gives me unasked for advice on FB occasionally, but I just think the world of her and she just wants to help, as she has already gone through this, but she has been remarried for probably over 12 years and he is very ill.  I am older and will not face this kind of loss from a long marriage again, but I will be there for her if she needs me, or asks me.  

And that is what this forum is for (at least to me), to voice things we won't talk with other people about.  Sometimes they don't want to hear it (our friends), but the people on here have heard it all.  I say a lot of unnecessary things, some may see my notes and just pass over them (who has the time), but the thing is in the verbal bleeding.  Tell your story.  It might not help anyone but you, but it might help you a whole lot.  

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Marg M. thank you.  I have very similar feelings.  I did not have any children - Pat had four.  But the almighty $$$ gets involved and so the chain gets broken.  My very great (step) son takes good care of me with help and assistance.  The others there is no communication.  Perhaps it is the guilt that drives their feelings.  I don't know.  The divide is too large to ever be recovered with the girls.  To me it is lonely - sure I have friends yet no one to come home too.  This was not the life I ordered.  At times I don't care either.  My parents are a big support but they don't live around me.  Thanks for answering me and thanks for the advise.

Deb

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Deb, we don't all have the same situations, for sure.  The only thing most of us have in common is we grieve.  But you see, I had 54 years of marriage, two children, three grandchildren and three great grandchildren.  Lots of family friction in my family, always has been, but lots of already lifetime problems held and defeated, drug addiction, alcoholism, a marriage that was a wonderful marriage (the last about 30 years), but we got married in 1961.  I was not yet 19, he was just a few days from 21.  I had never been away from home but knew I could not go back and we did a lot of terrible things to each other, but grew up with our children.  So, every relationship is not the same.  Ours could have been destroyed by things we did, but it wasn't.  Some had wonderful marriages the whole time they were married, magical ones for more years than ours.  

I wish you the best and know your stepson is by your side and that is wonderful.  The girls will either come around, or they won't.  Do not know the circumstances, but you still have family and family can be wonderful, and I would not want to try to live without any of mine, but I would like to kinda lasso them ever so often and put them in a corral.  

It is the grief we all share.  Billy was my best friend.  We do what we can to honor their memory.  I am not far enough along that I don't hurt often.  Just this morning I thought he was on the other side of me, but I jumped up as fast as a 74-year-old woman can jump and went and made coffee (which he would have already had fixed for me to just flip the switch, then I would have brought his coffee to bed to him when he got ready to get up.  (Retired, and he would read sometimes to at least 2:00 a.m.) so he was not a morning person.

Here I go again, another word salad.......sorry.  I could talk about Billy forever.  My story on FB today was our various jaunts throughout the Arkansas backroads and rivers and creeks.  

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