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I can't be the strong one anymore


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I've had to be the strong one and hold our family up for 29 months tomorrow.  And I can't do it anymore.  I beg for strength from my bride from heaven.  I've had to hold my family up thru her passing and the passing of my twin granddaughters and grandson.  When will my heart get a break?   It hurts beyond words.  I ask God why every night when I pray.  But there are no answers.  

June 20th would be Noah's 12th birthday.  :(

 

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Butch, my dear, the only one who believes that you have to be the strong one and hold your family up for 29 months is you. And the only one who can say you can't do it anymore is you, too. So I hope you mean that.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break from grief ~ in fact, in a situation such as yours, where you've had one significant and devastating loss after another in your immediate family, it is absolutely necessary ~ for your own physical and mental health. I realize that in your family the hits have kept on coming ~ but that is all the more reason whey it is essential that you double down on your own efforts to take better care of YOU.

I'm going to point you to some articles I hope that you will read, and I pray that you will take their messages to heart:

Is It Possible to Take a Break from Grief?

Finding A Balance: Self-Care Quiz

Ways to Take A Break from Sadness When Mourning

Taking A Break from Grief

Avoidance Coping vs. Grief Relief: Taking A Break from Grief

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Oh, I agree with what Marty is saying, Butch.  Remember those trips you took to Florida?  You stepped away to give yourself a chance to breathe.

I cannot imagine how your heart is aching.  You need to take care of your heart.  We hear so often how important it is to care for ourselves first so we are better able to care for others. 

We continue to be here for you.

Anne 

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Thank you Marty and Anne.  

I'm telling Allen and Katie that I need more of a break from caring for Caleb and Gracie so I can have me time.  

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Butch,

I pray and intercede for you often. My words seems so small and weak compared to what you have faced already.  Please allow yourself time to relax and be yourself. Continuing to pray for peace, healing and restoration for you, Butch. - Shalom

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Butch I do hope you will have time to care for yourself.  At the pace you are going I worry that you will wear yourself down to nothing.  Your strength does not fade when you take a break- it's like maintenance on a car.  You have to take it in once in awhile to keep it in good running order.  If your oil gums up or runs dry you can cook the engine and none of us here want that for you.

I hope you can take a time that will refresh you and allow you to do the grief work that you've been forced to hold back.  Big hugs to you ?

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Butch,

I just finished reading the articles Marty shared, they are good.  I like the Self Care assessment and also the one about Breaks: Avoidance vs Grief Relief (I renamed it so I could find it more easily).  I liked the list of suggested things we can do.

It seems you haven't been able to grieve Mary the way you wanted because you've been hit and hit and hit ever since, physical afflictions, tragedies, more losses, having to be there for your kids & grandkids, the list goes on.  Maybe what you need is time to reflect, time to BE.  Maybe set a time you can have your grandkids, but a period YOU can handle, allow yourself time for yourself.  Coming to this realization is a healthy positive step for YOU.  Love you, dear man!  We're all rooting for you and praying for you.

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Oh Butch, I hope you can take the time off too, but I do know that during the time off you will be worrying about not being there with them.  It is just the nature of the beast.  You have been through so much and I hope you can take a deep breath without worrying about not being there.  Prayers with you my friend, and your family also.

 

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Thank you all so very much.  Your words and caring means so much.  Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve kindness.  

Im having Gracie for the weekend.  She just melts my heart.  

Here's a cute pic of her   ?

IMG_2317.thumb.PNG.78ef9bbdc8785b3c8b2b43fbf3d37fbb.PNG

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Now that picture should be put somewhere with the caption "Grandpa had me for the week-end, can you tell?"  As many toils and trouble that that little one has had, her picture brought my first smile of the day.  Life does go on, whether we are here to watch it or not.  It goes on..............

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I have Gracie with me for the weekend.  I'm trying to just let myself take in whatever I feel about losing Mary and the grandkids too.  But especially Mary I feel like if I can make as much peace with her passing then maybe I could be the strong one again and help my son and dil grieve their babies and son.  I'm trying hard.  I pray a lot.  Yet at the same time I do question the Lord.  

Heres another pic of my Grace.  ❤️

IMG_2320.thumb.PNG.5bacdbfe10083e95568ab3b3d9d7de83.PNG

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BIBLE VERSE QUOTED HERE:  Thank you Butch.  It helps to see her and I actually know she helps you also.  As far as anger with God, my mother's hospice book said that this was a normal thing.  I was understanding of this because I think that is one thing we all have in common.  I have repeated this before, my mama would always talk about the peace that passes all understanding.  I'm not there yet and I don't think very many of us have that peace.  I believe my mom has it now and I think while she was ill and long before, she knew her little mind needed that peace.  I don't have it yet.  

Philippians 4:7 English Standard Version: And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

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Marg, that's a good one, thanks.

It's common in grief to question everything, including your faith.  I know it shook mine to the core, but it made it through stronger than ever.  I've come to the conclusion that stuff happens, no rhyme or reason, and that's helped me in accepting it.  Some believe everything happens for a reason, I don't buy into that because there is flat out a whole lot of stuff that I can't see a loving God "willing", but I do know He's with us through it all, even though He doesn't stop it, I know He's turned over the reigns for a time and isn't controlling everything that happens in this world.  Still, knowing He has the power to stop something and doesn't, gives one pause for concern.  I also believe He is the One who can bring good from something bad, like that book Beauty from Ashes.  And I've seen it.  I've learned more on my journey...I never asked for this journey, it's been hard, but if God can find purpose in even this, who am I to question it?  

You haven't had much time for grieving, I hope you're able to devote some time to it.  Maybe even see a professional grief counselor.  There so many good books out there too, here's a start...

I don't see  A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis on the list and it's one of my favorites.  C. S. Lewis speaks as one who's been there.

 

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

don't see  A Grief Observed, by C. S. Lewis on the list and it's one of my favorites.  C. S. Lewis speaks as one who's been there.

I agree with you completely, Kay ~ it's a classic, one of my favorites as well, and I've no idea why it hasn't made it onto our list until now. Thanks for noticing that ~ and you'll see it listed there now, that's for sure! 

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I ordered this book (A Grief Observed) for my Kindle after reading one of Brad's notes (if I remember correctly).  I do have to put that because remembering correctly is something I do not usually do.  The task of remembering is a painful thing to do.  I read up on the people who write these books.  There is no telling how the grieving mind will intercept the intent of a book.  I spoke of reading the book "Life After Heaven" by Steven Musick.  The book was meant to be uplifting, and I believe the author meant nothing but good will by writing it.  I do not know him personally, of course, but the many people who do, think he is wonderful.  This book left me thoroughly confabulated.  It disrupted my life in a way I cannot explain.  And, it was not meant to do that.  It was written to  help people.  I finished the book while washing clothes and left it in the washateria for someone else to read.  I think it is an uplifting book for 99.9% of the population.  I am just that weird minority.  

I will say that I am a fan of anything C.S. Lewis writes.  As a child, my book collection of renting from the Springhill Library was always biographies.  I needed to "know" these people, and I still need to know them.  I want them all to have "a life well-lived."

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On 6/8/2017 at 2:43 PM, R.Everit55 said:

 When will my heart get a break?   It hurts beyond words.

I know I sometimes sound like a Christian who knows her Bible, but I left that person behind too many years ago to even imagine.  Dear Butch, you have been put through the fire and I cannot even imagine your pain.  I know we are not supposed to talk religion or politics and of course I would not mention the president as an example of anything, but when I was a child I picked out people in the Bible as specific important people.  My favorite book was Ruth.  (And, to be sure, cannot remember if that was a book of the Bible or just an important person to me, as a child and young adult).  But, in knowing you and your family from this forum, I can compare you to Job.  And again, I am only going from remembering (and we know how faulty I am with that.)  As a child though, I can remember wondering why so much happened to him.  He was not a mean person.  I also remember as an adult watching a Ra-bi on TV who had lost his young son.  It was such a sad story and he went on to write the book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."  I will admit not reading the book.  Losing a child is something I cannot read about.  I can read about losing a husband or wife, but not a child.  And, I know this is not specific to this subject, but I won't watch a movie where a child dies........or an animal.  They seem the most helpless of God's creatures and my understanding does not go this far.  Just know that with my mustard seed faith, I do pray for peace for your little family, and mine, and all of ours.  Not sure he pays that much attention to me because when I pray to Jesus, I talk to Billy too, and I am sure they look at each other, shrug, and consider the source.

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On 6/8/2017 at 3:43 PM, R.Everit55 said:

I've had to be the strong one and hold our family up for 29 months tomorrow.  And I can't do it anymore.  I beg for strength from my bride from heaven.  I've had to hold my family up thru her passing and the passing of my twin granddaughters and grandson.  When will my heart get a break?   It hurts beyond words.  I ask God why every night when I pray.  But there are no answers.  

June 20th would be Noah's 12th birthday.  :(

 

Butch, I don't know why you have to go through so much.  Anyone who says they do are just reading the tea leaves, in my opinion.  I believe that people who have glib and trite answers do not begin to understand your pain. The hard part about this grief is having to face it. 

For myself, asking why questions never helped me.  I had to learn what would help me. Everyone is different.  I've read a few books and the one that got my attention was "A Grace Disguised- How the soul grows Through loss" by Gerald l. Sittser.  Here is a small excerpt:

" I realized that something incomprehensible and extraordinary just happened... I had not chosen and could not have imagined.... I ransacked my mind for options that would provide a way out of the pain... I exhausted all possibilities except one. I realized that I would have to suffer and adjust; I could not avoid it or escape it.  There was no way out  but ahead, into the abyss."

 

I did not want to hear this and it was tough to accept. The love and fellowship of this group is what sustained me in my darkest time. The support, sharing and suggestions is what have helped me through my grief journey.  I tried many suggestions and used what helped me progress on this grief journey.  One moment at a time; One day at a time. We are here with you and for you.  My Daily prayers for you continue each day. - Shalom, George

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19 hours ago, Marg M said:

"When Bad Things Happen to Good People."

I have that one, but it's been many years since I read it.  

 

18 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

"A Grace Disguised- How the soul grows Through loss" by Gerald l. Sittser

That one too.  There's a lot of good books out there.  I haven't found any answers to "why" but I've gotten some help with the "what now?" part...it's a whole lot of growing through the difficult places.  My pastor covered that too again yesterday.  I should be one wise cookie by now! ;)

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