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Simple things aren't simple anymore


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The simple things we used to do together are not fun or meaningful anymore.  Even just getting gas is a chore and brings back memories.  Watering the flowers does not bring pleasure.  Sitting outside without Al is not enjoyable.  I wonder if anything will bring joy in the future.  I rather doubt it.

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Gin.. I so get it.. I have not tended to plants or set out on the porch either and they used to be my therapy.. had grandson Mason today and I was completely lost trying to figure out how to entertain him alone .. I miss grandpa's big gigantic kid heart and playfulness...ended up at the beach and that did bring a smile to my heart ❤️.. watching Mason play in the sand and water.

Hugs, Marie

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Gin, I wrote one of my word salads and all I am doing is repeating myself.  We are half a person, but until we have to leave, we have to function.  Sometimes I can feel possibly my heart having trouble.  And, we all are scared because we are all one fall away from the nursing home.  Okay, we have grief, we have terrible fear, and we still have to keep going until our body completely wears out.  Some of us are not in as good health as others. We have lost our will to live. I have my granddaughter I have to consider, so I cannot consider me.   

But one consolation, if I am gone I won't have to worry about it.  And they won't have to pack all my things up.  I never unpacked.  

Kevin, I admire your forge ahead attitude.  Hope you didn't hurt your back. Loved picture of your Angela. I know we are all hurting and I don't think we are going to quit.  People learn to live with disabilities and this is one we have to learn to live with.  I worry about our fellow in his car.  I think I could live in my car if I had to.  I remember three members of a family that lived in their car at this public park for years (and it can get cold and wet in winter) until the police finally had them do something about it.  They were in the middle of two major highway arteries so everyone saw them.  

Sometimes life's a bitch and then you die.

Butch, maybe we need another chocolate picture of Gracie.

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Gin,

I hope someday you will feel peaceful good memories as I do.  It does take a long while to get there, I can't say when, it's different for all of us, but I do enjoy sitting out on our porch swing where we were supposed to grow old together and watch the hummingbirds come feed as we loved to do before he died.  It was years it sat empty...

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Marie, glad you have your grandson.  My grandkids are pretty much grown and do not need me very much any more.

Marge,. My kids will have to pack my things, but most will probably go in a dumpster.  I am trying to get rid of stuff, but it is such a slow process.

kay, I sure hope I get peace from Al memories.  Right now they make me cry.  

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I went through that too, Gin.

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Gin, I completely understand how you feel.  However, I am getting to the place (a little at a time) where some of my memories of Dale don't make me cry.  Of course, more of them do than don't, but at least I'm getting very slowly where I can think of him and things we did and find some comfort.  I'm sure that some day you will get there too.  Hugs, Joyce

 

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Gin, I totally know what you mean. Nothing is the same without them. That spark of pleasure is gone.

Today I had another one of those out of the blue grief bursts. Tammy enjoyed watching the Netflix show Orange is the New Black. Well, today I started watching Season 5 and as the theme song came on I burst  into tears. The feeling that she should be here to enjoy the show with me took over.  I couldn't get it under control for a while.

One day moment at a time, right?

 

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Kay, Joyce,. Sure is hard sometimes.  Most of the time!

Mitch, sorry you had a bad day.  Al and I always did crossword puzzles together.  My friend and her husband love to do them and wants me to come over and work on them.  I go, but reluctantly.  Al should be there with me.   I  do not want to do things that we always did TOGETHER.

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36 minutes ago, Gin said:

 Al and I always did crossword puzzles together.  My friend and her husband love to do them and wants me to come over and work on them.  I go, but reluctantly.  Al should be there with me.   I  do not want to do things that we always did TOGETHER.

We did the puzzle in the Sunday Boston Globe without fail. We would kiss when we finished it. I have the last one. We had a book of puzzles we took sailing, with finished puzzles marked to indicate harbors all over New England and the Caribbean where we did them. It becomes clearer and clearer to me (day 72) that the big question is how to live after losing such sweetness ??

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On ‎06‎/‎10‎/‎2017 at 7:01 PM, Gin said:

The simple things we used to do together are not fun or meaningful anymore.  Even just getting gas is a chore and brings back memories.  Watering the flowers does not bring pleasure.  Sitting outside without Al is not enjoyable.  I wonder if anything will bring joy in the future.  I rather doubt it.

Gin, I know what you mean.  I wonder that too and so hope there will come a time where some joy comes back.  This is long and hard....hugs, Cookie

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On 6/12/2017 at 1:15 AM, mittam99 said:

Gin, I totally know what you mean. Nothing is the same without them. That spark of pleasure is gone.

Today I had another one of those out of the blue grief bursts. Tammy enjoyed watching the Netflix show Orange is the New Black. Well, today I started watching Season 5 and as the theme song came on I burst  into tears. The feeling that she should be here to enjoy the show with me took over.  I couldn't get it under control for a while.

One day moment at a time, right?

 

I get like that whenever I watch a film my better half would have really liked. We were both avid movie goers and I still am [I was even before I met Jo so that won't change], but it's difficult sometimes. I went to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean instalment...and I'm sure it was a fun romp as usual...but I just felt upset half the time and couldn't really get 'into' it....she loved the series and was a huge Johnny Depp fan.

I'm sure our spouses would want us to carry on enjoying these things...but it's not always easy is it?

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4 hours ago, Dr Lenera said:

I'm sure our spouses would want us to carry on enjoying these things...but it's not always easy is it?

No, it's not easy.  I'm finding it difficult to do a lot of the activities we used to do together.  One thing really stands out to me, I find myself not able to listen to music much anymore.  Our house was always filled with music.  We shared the love of every kind of music and would enjoy working with bands.  Now, there are too many memories attached to too many songs that are too painful to bring back at this time. They make me miss him more and remind me that my life had changed, until I see him again.  I know someday I will be able to reflect and smile without tears, but right now, the water works come flooding in.   so now, I find myself sitting in a silent house, just listening to the quiet (and the ringing in my ears from the many years of working with bands).  :rolleyes:

Someday I'll get behind that microphone again...

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I'm struggling with all kinds of emotions today.  It's been 17 months since Gord left and it keeps getting more real.  Today should have been our 37th Wedding Anniversary.  I just want to go back to feeling numb and hope the day passes.

I will never know why he ended his life and recently it has been eating at me.  I have a toxic person in my life and I'm allowing it because I'm so lonely.  Maybe I'm better off without anyone in my life right now.  I just want to be able to talk to someone who at least pretends to listen.

Nothing interests me.  I feel like a robot going through the motions of the necessities of life. ?

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52 minutes ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

 I have a toxic person in my life and I'm allowing it because I'm so lonely.  

Maybe I'm better off without anyone in my life right now.  I just want to be able to talk to someone who at least pretends to listen.

Marita, and mind you this is only my opinion, not gospel...

This "toxic" person in your life sounds like a problem. Especially if as you mention, they're only pretending to listen. You're going through the hardest thing you've every experienced in your life and you need to surround yourself with genuine kindness and understanding if you can. I know how hard it is to feel like you have nothing in your life and no one. No one who truly cares. We all want to feel like we matter.

I just hope that this person you describe doesn't cause you any type of additional heartache. You don't need that.

It's your wedding anniversary today and I know it will be hard to bear. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,

Mitch

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Another word salad deleted.  Why can't I say what I want to say in two lines?  So many unnecessary words.

If you know the person is toxic, get rid of them.  I use symbolism a lot in my life.  The fluffy clouds, the moon, the night sky are all Billy.  The cross on my wall at the foot of my bed, I pray to Jesus and Billy with.  I figure they are best buds by now, neither can figure me out.  I hope Jesus helps him.  No worry in heaven.  Oh my, I have a bushel of them here on Earth and I ask Billy and Jesus for help.

You have no answers to why your mate left in the way he did.  There are no answers.  I have found that out the hard way.  Lots of questions though.

I think it comes down to Kevin's RF quote........"it goes on."

And, knowing you the tiny bit I do, I know you have responsibilities, responsibilities that are hard alone.  You all have lost someone important and you don't need a toxic person around them.  Or you.  

It is hard and I welcomed the numbness so much.  It does not last.  We still want to escape.  We cannot.  Another RF quote is .................."promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep."  Read about his life sometimes.  I think he knew.

I found the cross on the wall when I was coming in and out of a coma caused by septicemia.  With Billy leaving a year later, he should have been the one being worked up for cause of illness, but I cannot go back.  The nun was holding my hands, praying.  I felt it.  

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1 hour ago, Mike's Girl said:

 I'm finding it difficult to do a lot of the activities we used to do together.  One thing really stands out to me, I find myself not able to listen to music much anymore.  

Mike's girl, I cannot look at his pictures.  I cannot go past the Texas line out west.  Don't want to visit our places in Arkansas, I got prickles on my skin when I had to do that.  Sadness beyond belief.  Could not even call my coworker friends to let them know I was there.  I will not go back to our places of joy.  But, I will try new places.  I find things I did before we knew each other, I can still do them, or at least go there.  There is a mixture of sadness and familiarity in places that were "mine" but we visited together.  Music is something I could not handle, although I am getting to where I can a little.  Anything that held me back before, if I can walk into it now, I have found out the world is not flat.  I do believe time makes the "scar tissue" and then it can be ripped away so easily.  ........."it goes on."  

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Thinking of you Marita on this special day.  My previous husband took his life and it took me at least 5 years to get back to living.  I wish we had a magic wand and could make the pain go away.  Al  was the best person I ever knew.  I can not do things that were "our" things.  Different things I can do because there are no memories.  Thoughts and prayers are with you.  Gin

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8 hours ago, Dr Lenera said:

I get like that whenever I watch a film my better half would have really liked. We were both avid movie goers and I still am [I was even before I met Jo so that won't change], but it's difficult sometimes. I went to see the latest Pirates of the Caribbean instalment...and I'm sure it was a fun romp as usual...but I just felt upset half the time and couldn't really get 'into' it....she loved the series and was a huge Johnny Depp fan.

I'm sure our spouses would want us to carry on enjoying these things...but it's not always easy is it?

Well on 6/24 I am leaving for the condo we rented in Provincetown, our special vacation place, before 3/31 happened. Our anniversary is 6/27. How's that for walking into the minefields? I dare try only because my sister Joan is coming with me and one of Susan's sisters and husband, who I'm very close to, will be in Ptown also, and I'll have other supportive visitors. Still not sure how I will react. "She's not here" can overwhelm any situation that might otherwise be good.

Just finished a long session with a financial guy transferring Susan's accounts to mine. Could knock me over with a feather right now.

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18 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Just finished a long session with a financial guy transferring Susan's accounts to mine. Could knock me over with a feather right now.

I remember when I did that and thank gawd it was in the numb phase.  It's all somlegal and cold, but not for us.  That's behind me, but little things now can bring me to my knees.  They 'say' you will feel better once it is done, they are wrong.  They don't get not seeing your joined assets in only your name cuts like a knife, the reality they are truly gone.   My heart goes out to you.

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Tom PB I can relate to that coming situation you describe...have been in it several times, they exist on a knife edge don't they, they can either be really good and fulfilling, or can go terrribly wrong, especially if someone says something that triggers something else, even unintentionally.

Gwenivere same here, I hated doing all the legal stuff, I was also numb during most of it which maye have been a good thing, but as you say it's really upsetting afterwards for ages,  even now I stil hate looking at bank statements [thank goodness I paid off the mortgage and now own our house, so that's out the way] and the like, seeing a certain name is missing, is yet more cruel evidence that our love is gone!

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Dr Lenera, as you say, knife edge. Will I enjoy sailing, which I love, or break down thinking about my missing partner? Is it better to have just my name on the account, or see her name when she's not really here? Today I went to lunch with some friends, which I had thought of as part of getting me through the day, and as I listened to them talking about getting on with their lives - one even has a wife named Susan - the grief kicked in  and I just threw some money on the table and left.

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