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Hello - Emptiness


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I don't know if it helped you to have it over with or not, but it helped me to have my husband's funeral because the place was packed and it helped seeing all of the people who loved him and wanted to pay their respects, that meant a lot to me.

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Patricia.....I found the Funeral was a load off my shoulders, but Grief was taking hold as the Shock was wearing off.......I took stock after friends and family left....and did it again after 40 days. It is a Journey, and it's a long one .......take care 

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13 minutes ago, Patricia B said:

I told my husband's widowed aunt that I'll take it one day at a time. She said that was fine, but to make it more like one inch at a time.

Pat, that one inch at a time is pretty good advice. And don't be surprised when you do the grief dance. We all do that often. There are many variations, like the 2/2 step, for example. That's two steps forward, two steps back. A better one is the 2/1. Two steps forward, one step back. But the one we all crave is the 1 step. That's one step forward and wait for it... no steps back. ;)

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Patricia B, the title of this post took me back many years to a song.  I drove 49 miles to Magnolia by myself this morning and 49 back.  I tried, but my darkness is not listening anymore.  He would do me this way when we first got married.  To keep from fussing, he would just shut up and not talk to me.  (Well, you know how crazy that made me, if I ran out of words to say I would make crap up).  Maybe he is angry again for some reason.  

darkness.jpg

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We all have our idea of how we want things.  My uncle could not understand not having a good ole Baptist funeral.  Billy and I never cared for attention of any kind..  My daughter had releasing of balloons from his old fishing spot on the bayou on his first birthday after he had left.  We had a bunch of family and friends that came.  She needed the closure.  Billy and I just wanted to be.  

My mother-in-law wanted to be buried in her pink negligee that someone had given her.  When they dug the grave it was at her husband's feet.  She didn't even like him and that was the funniest funeral I have ever been to.  They had to redig the grave next to him.  She would never have sat at his feet.  

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This is terrible. I was embarrassed after I said it and of course, explained why I said it. When we were each dropping a bit of the earth on Ron's casket, I said "I finally got you back". Many years ago, we were traipsing around in the forest and got stuck in a very muddy meadow. I got out to check how badly, he gunned the engine, the truck came free and I was covered in flying mud. Ron would have laughed at the comment, but I'm sure others were horrified. My brain did not function well for the first year and even more poorly the second year after my daughter died. I hope I have a bit more sense now.

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Oh Karen, I agree with you completely: I think Ron would have laughed at your comment. It's one of those precious moments that only the two of you had shared, and only Ron would have understood and appreciated that comment. I don't think it's terrible at all  

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Wow, woke up at 4:00 am and felt really panicky. Thinking about all the responsibilities and the thousands of things i have to take care of and how am I ever going to pay for everything and and and........feeling a little better after an hour or so but Jeeez. Just needed to cry on all your shoulders.

 

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17 hours ago, Autumn2 said:

Gee, anybody else talking to themselves at times

You mean everyone doesn't do it? :D

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Karen, that was great!  And funny!  Ron would have loved it!

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Karen, a sense of humor even at the worse time, and if everyone had known, it would have been so fitting.  I think Ron knew.  I wish I understood more about life and death, but sometimes what I read sets me back, so I will stick to the forum and my fiction books.  Gotta do stuff I have put off for a long time today.  It never ends.  They stay entwined in our lives even if they are not visibly seen.  

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Patricia,

Unfortunately, responsibility for everything now falls solely on us. Just another facet of this grief that we live. Try not to become overwhelmed by it all. In time, it will all fall into place.

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During times of being down,  I treat life as Angela is in the next room..There ongoing one sided conversations frequently...Yesterday I did the old warming up something on the stove and it boiled over. My first reaction was remove pot from burner, second action was yelling for Angela, (she was supposed to warn me).....We are all a little crazy , but I can live with it......Have a good week end

 

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1 hour ago, kevin said:

We are all a little crazy , but I can live with it.

I think if we were not a little crazy, then it would be harder.  Martin Short's book talks about him having his drink on the terrace in the evenings and I think he pours one for his wife.  They carry on a conversation each evening just like she was there.  I identified with him.  He said the only time she would not answer him was when he would say "Nan, where are you."  He would ask that and she was gone.  She passed away in 2010.  They had been married probably 30 years.  He became dear to my heart reading his book.  Sometimes I wake up and think Billy is beside me, the disappointment is there, but not as bad as it was.  I can hear a noise in the apartment and Billy is the first thing that comes to my mind, and of course I know he is not there.  

ADDENDUM:  I went back and read some more about Martin Short.  I have got to say, sometimes he just got on my nerves as a comedian, but now he is a person I wish I could pattern myself after.  He lost his older brother in an auto accident when Martin was a kid, his mom and dad both died young, his mom when he was 13, of cancer.  I think his only other girlfriend of note was Gilda Radner.  He had this to say.

"Our whole family took the attitude that if you have wonderful moments, don’t second-guess them, just enjoy them.” Martin Short

I have got to admit, I don't know how he does it.  I think my mom and pop did not drop that gene or chromosome into my DNA.  Gotta put the blame somewhere.  I look in the mirror and this is what I see.  

droopy.jpg

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Here's what keeps me sane and helps me function with at least a bit of a positive outlook...

Just today I was handling a problem and then walked by a picture of Tammy with a then 3 year old Katie. Of course I burst into tears and my thoughts quickly went into the deep darkness of grief. Why isn't Tammy here? Why did God take her away when she deserved so much more time? On and on. Well, in my earlier days of grief, those thoughts would have taken over and my day and my week was pretty much done. I didn't know how to get my mind to a calmer place. There was no sense of comfort or positivity. I was simply overwhelmed by my new life without the woman of my dreams.

In time, I began to take on a somewhat different mindset. The thing is, Tammy is still a part of my life. It's not like the life I shared with her was erased when she died. To the contrary, I remember and cherish every moment we shared together. The joys and the heartache, because we were always Mitch and Tammy, a team; the inseparable couple who were perfect for each other. Together we were simply better.

So yes, I cry for my Tammy. I miss her with every fiber of my being. I miss her love and I miss loving on her. But I also carry her love and her essence inside of me. And that's what gets me through those moments when life feels unbearable. It still feels like Mitch and Tammy to me.

 

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35 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Well, in my earlier days of grief, those thoughts would have taken over and my day and my week was pretty much done. I didn't know how to get my mind to a calmer place. There was no sense of comfort or positivity. I was simply overwhelmed by my new life without the woman of my dreams.

That's where I am. What might be a warm memory of our amazing 48 years on 6/27 just short circuits to the pain of the loss. Tomorrow I'm leaving for the vacation we planned in our favorite summer place, Ptown. It's really walking into the minefield. My mind is full of Ptown Susan memories. Not sure how will it go.

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Tom, if you go and find it too overwhelming, leave. Right now, it's all about finding ways to cope. One thing you don't want to do is torture yourself with angst. You have enough on your "emotional plate" right now and  "walking into a minefield" may simply be too much to bear. But, by all means see how it goes.

Grief is a moment to moment world, and in part, a one day at a time learning experience.

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