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When Family Members Fail You....


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Good afternoon,

I am brand new to this group. Thank u for accepting me. My husband Bill died in a snowmobile accident 1/15/2016. I was with him. We have been together since we were 15yrs old. Married for 28years. Have one daughter Sam who is 24. Her Dad died on her birthday. We (Sam & I) have been making decent progress in our grief/mourning process, but had a rather large set back yesterday and this is how I happened to find this group, in hope that it can bring additional guidance, understanding and support. My niece who is getting married this year is not happy with the fact that my daughter (her closest cousin) is not able to find joy of being involved in this wedding. My niece has admitted to being selfish with her emotions/feelings and WILL NOT accept the fact that we are grieving and NOT LISTEN to the fact that this death has effected every aspect of our lives. She is so mad that I have brought this to the discussion of my husband's death being my #1 reason of not being able to fully enjoy this upcoming wedding. I have apologized for my grief, which I know I probably should not have to do, but I did. Most of my immediate family have not been supportive of my daughter and I through the last year and a half. They are "those group of ppl" who think we should have "moved on by now". The only thing my niece is concerned about is HER WEDDING and is now actually complaining to others that my husband died. Like it was a choice that I wanted. NOT! I am in complete disbelief of this situation. I am a person who tries to see the good in everyone. But this situation is making me physically sick and mad to the point where it will end up setting me back from all the progress that I have made. Looking for help and suggestions....

 

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I am so sorry that you are not only dealing with the loss of your husband but you have to deal with people who are acting this way towards you. I usually tell people that are new to the forum that 99% of the people you deal with mean well when they say things that seem to be cold and sometimes callous. Well, unfortunately there is the other 1%. Sometimes people are too wrapped up in their own lives to stop and consider anyone else's feelings. It must be hard for you to deal with that. 

You should grieve in YOUR timeframe and nobody else's. People are under some strange illusion that grief is a finite timeline and you should be over your spouses death when they are over it. Something you will hear on this forum a lot is that only people that have experienced the loss of a spouse can truly understand this level of grief. The sad thing is that one of the very people treating you this way will probably endure this one day and then likely reflect on how they treated you. 

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Welhusen,

Welcome to our group, one which I'm sure you never wanted to join. I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my husband in 2013 and my daughter in 2014, both to cancer.

I'm sorry that your niece and immediate family apparently suffer from lack of compassion. Unfortunately, people who have not experienced this type of loss cannot fully comprehend the effect it has on your very being. Your whole existence has been turned upside down and no one has the right to tell you to "move on". It is a slow and painful process to repair your broken heart and life and only you will know when you are ready. Although the wedding is your niece's important day, she needs to step back and grow up a bit. It is absurd and disgusting that that others "blame" your husband for dying. This is a time for you and your daughter to do what feels right for you.

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I am also very sorry for your loss.  My husband died January 5th 2016 so we both are relatively new to this journey.  I wish there was a magic wand that would bring our beloved spouse's back.  It would be incredible to have one more hug, one more conversation, one more kiss. ❤

The loss of a spouse really is a difficult journey that we certainly did not plan to take.  We never wanted what we had to end.  I can feel the terrible pain you are suffering as it is clear in your writing.  I also am strangled by the lack of sensitivity of family members and unfortunately I have removed myself from that circle of unwellness.  I say unfortunately because I don't want to cause discord for my son because they are his family.  I don't know how people can be so unfeeling and so full of hurtfullness.

I hope you will find what will help both you and your daughter.  My thoughts and prayers are with you both.  Many hugs for you ?????

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Welhusen- I was also with my husband at the time of our fatal accident and have struggled with that. I am sorry your daughter has this sad association with her birthday now ?.

I am glad you found us here ❤️

So very disheartened for you in regards to the wedding... many hugs to you and your daughter.

Be kind and be patient with yourself.. You can pour your heart out here..

Peace,

Marie

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My dear, I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry too that this discord is happening in your family. I don't know your niece, but I do know that some young brides-to-be can be extremely self-centered when planning their weddings, and notoriously insensitive toward those who, for whatever reason, aren't willing or able to jump on their band wagon and share in their joy. It can create such hard feelings within a family, and it only adds to the sense of sorrow and isolation I'm sure that you and your daughter may be feeling already. 

Your situation reminds me of a difficult time in my own family, when I learned first-hand the challenge of holding opposite feelings at the same time. I write about that experience here: In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy. I know the circumstances are different, but I offer it in hopes that it speaks to you and your daughter in a helpful way.

I also encourage you and your daughter to take a look at some of the articles in this series: A Wedding Guide for Grievers: Tips for Remembering and Coping. See especially The First Wedding After a Death 

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I am so sorry for you and your daughter's loss.  The only ones I find that truly get it are those who have been through it.  Even so, I would think family and friends would make some sort of attempt to understand and empathize, maybe that is just lacking in our society nowadays.  :angry:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/grief-support-when-others-fail-to-meet.html There are some really good links to articles at the bottom you might find of interest as well.

The links Marty posted are good ones.  You may not be ready, but I have learned in my own grief journey that it's important at some point to give ourselves permission to smile or feel happy, even if only for a brief moment.  This may not be your situation, but it's sometimes the case.  A lot of people feel they can't be happy while mourning, that it's disrespectful to the deceased, but I have found it is not our mourning that holds us to them, it is our love, and that continues.  If you feel this is not applicable to your situation, just disregard. :)  I wish you the best getting through the wedding, especially with people that are so insensitive.  I'm sorry they happen to be your relatives, that is really tough!

You don't mention if you have seen a grief counselor, but it would be a good place to start.  http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

By the way, toss out the term "moving on" because that's not possible!  I have learned to "coexist with my grief" but always, it's there.  It changes form, it doesn't stay in the same intensity, thank God or we couldn't bear it! but the missing them continues throughout our lives.

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I'm sorry you had to join us, but if you have to go through grief, and sometimes it is impossible to escape it, then you will find help here.  There is nothing this forum has not gone through and they are willing to help.  You do what you have to do for you and your daughter.  It is not selfish.  Families are great, but they can be very demanding.  

My own son asked me "Mama, why do you let people boss you around."  Up until that time I was just trying to do everything everybody wanted.  Pretty bad on the nerves.  But, he made me look at myself.  We have to take care of ourselves now and for me it was 74 years coming.  I'm not Wonder Woman yet, but I can handle myself sometimes like the witch I am.  

Again, welcome to our place of grief.  You can say anything.  And I do.

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6 hours ago, Marg M said:

We have to take care of ourselves now and for me it was 74 years coming

This is what I've noticed about my grief journey, that I have learned how strong I really am (I sure didn't think so in the beginning!) and have learned how important self-care and valuing myself are, and I don't recall standing up for myself before quite like I do now!  Maybe it's realizing they are gone and there's no one else going to do it!

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I'm not strong.  I hear you all talking about your health problems, and my health problem cannot be fixed.  Any slip-up and I'm gone.  It is a day-to-day battle with reminders from everyone "have you had your cocktail?"  That is Miralax, that is my life.  In a small ginger ale it is fine, but forgetting it, fever, any blood anywhere, well, I just take my temp once a day and my Miralax each night.  So far so good.  Like the GYN doc said, we could do a D&C, but if we found anything we could not fix it.  So, I make it on a wing and a prayer.  I know not to pick up anything too heavy and what not to eat.  My kids are in AR, it would scare Bri to death and I do have my sister.  I've gained too much weight, which all it would take is walking, but I guess I need the mechanical walker cause getting too far from my bathroom could be sorta embarrassing.  TMI.  

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I've drawn so many boundaries now I need a new crayon.  ?

The latest was a guy who would NOT stop asking me out.  I asked him if he had ever been in a long term relationship and he said yes, for 12 years.  I then asked him.....did she die?  No, she did not.  Truly frigging amazing that someone could compare a breakup or divorce meaning something was wrong for one or both of them to having that person ripped away without consent.  

 

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That's true Gwen, but my daughter has been in love with her husband for 17 years and now he's left her and it's devastating to her...I see some similarities except I didn't ever have to go through the rejection of George leaving me, death wasn't on purpose.  Yeah, something was wrong with their relationship, she just didn't realize it because how he was feeling was kept from her until he all of a sudden sprung it on her.  I don't see much hope in their getting back together, he's yanking her around emotionally.  Death and divorce have some commonalities but also many differences.  You really can't compare the two.  When someone does you wrong, it fuels your getting over them.  In death we never "get over them".

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Marty, you are so right, and Gwen is too...divorce IS different than death, but can be very painful and you DO grieve, of course it depends on the relationship.  I've had two divorces that were more relief to have them ended, not a whole lot to grieve there.  But with my kids' dad it was different, we were a family for 23 years, all was not bad, there was some good too.  Our lives were totally entwined and that divorce was completely "cutting", "severing".  At the time I didn't realize the feelings I still had because they were obscured by my need to be away from his control, his ugliness (behavior, not looks) but in time my inner reactions faded and I felt more forgiving...I remembered the good we had experienced, and that's when the grief began for me.  It has been many years and it's still hard for me to go through the plastic tubs of pictures that were our life.  Another family bit the dust.  All of the hopes and dreams we'd had when we married.  What happened to all that?  If we hadn't divorced, I never would have known the bliss of being with my soulmate, what a difference the two marriages were!  The feelings are complicated.  I guess it's not cut and dried and simple.  I will always care for my kids' dad and regret that we didn't make it.  But I've also accepted it.  Our lives moved on.  That's one of the differences between having lost a husband to death and one to divorce.  But to some people, they don't accept their divorce, they don't move on.  To some of them they WERE their soulmate and they continue to love them.  Grief is as unique as the relationship.  For my daughter, I know she will grieve Don a long long time.  Perhaps forever.  It feels unfair that anyone who loves that deeply should have to lose it, but then here we all are.

 

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As I'm sure you know from your own experience, dear Kay, the grief that stems from divorce can extend beyond the couple, too. When my younger son divorced his wife of 14 years, our entire extended family was affected: grandparents, parents, siblings, in-laws, children and grandchildren. I love my son's ex-wife dearly, and I still think of her as the daughter I never had. We're still close, but it will never be the same as it once was, and it's a loss that I still mourn. Relationships are broken in a divorce. Extended family members have absolutely no choice in the matter, and we are left with all the broken pieces. It's another form of disenfranchised grief. And it hurts.

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Absolutely!  I have been grieving heavily over my SIL's decision to leave my daughter.  I love him still, yet we have all been impacted, nothing will be the same again. :(

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I interfered in my son's life and insisted he marry his first wife.  She was such a child and he was so bipolar.  My husband and her mother took her to get an abortion when he was in the services.  Come to find out the child was not his.  They did not tell me.  People kept things from me because I was fighting cancer.  My grandfather, his only son, a woman came up pregnant.  It got back to my grandfather.  He asked my uncle if he had slept with this woman.  He said he had as well as many others.  He had a true shotgun wedding.  When my son came home I insisted he marry this girl.  He clearly loved her, and she put up with so much from him.  She became my 3rd child.  They lived with us more than making a life of their own.  We would push them out of the nest and bedlam would occur..  Two children later they divorced.  She had found someone with a steady job and his only insistence was that the children and her have no contact with us.  We hired a lawyer for our son but he would not fight it.  We lost that 9-year-old granddaughter and 5-year-old grandson forever.  If we even talked to them on the phone, (and they moved well over 1000 miles away), they were punished.  I thought about Solomon in the Bible and the two mothers with the one baby and I could not tear those kids in two parts.  So, we left it alone.  The new stepfather was an honored member of the Air Force.  My son was in the Navy, we could not fight without his help.  It tore us to pieces.  We took care of those kids and it was like losing two children, no, three counting their mother who had been our child for nine years.  She held such malice for our son that she told those babies lies about us, said we did not want to see them, and the kids thought we had abandoned them.  I thought when they got grown they would understand.  They didn't.  When the girl got grown she and her dad became close friends.  The son, he is lost in the drug jungles of California.  We suffered for years.  So did the kids.  Now my son and his ex-wife are friends and she told him she always wished we had been her parents.  My granddaughter has tried to get close, but now that Billy is gone, I did not want to see my great grandchildren.  He would have loved that so much.  I am glad they live on the east coast now, I handle grief differently than some people.  My Mammaw was pure love in the most simple form.  I wanted to be like her.  I cannot.  Sometimes I do not recognize who I have become.  I'm not sure I like me very much most of the time.  My attention is to the one who really needs help.  It is almost like I do not have enough love to go around.  It was not always like that.   

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KayC, I've been divorced, as have you, and this Loss of a Spouse  no where even in the same planet in comparisons........I celebrated my Divorce, as did my X Wife....I don't see the comparison......

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My aunt and uncle were separated, were talking about divorce. He died. She grieved,she told me. But she also told me: "life will reward you". She lend me a book "Learn to say goodbye". From the outside, it seems she has a better "after" life (she is a rich widow, she owns the state, she travels around the world, hapy children and grandchildren, and there is not a single picture of him in her house...so I wonder...). 

I don't have direct knowledge about divorce and its grief. What I've heard from divorced people is that, in the end, they acknowledged getting divorced was for the best. 

My two cents. 

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There is no comparison, Kevin, and no one here is trying to make one. Divorce, like death, is unique to the person experiencing it, and what is true for you in your divorce experience may be quite different for someone else. If you read the article I mentioned in my post above, you will find the following statement:

First, it is pointless to compare one person’s loss with another’s, or to argue whether one type of loss is “deeper” than another kind. Better to say that the grief associated with divorce is different from the grief experienced when a spouse dies, but it is still a death – the death of a relationship – and it still engenders grief.

 

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18 hours ago, kevin said:

KayC, I've been divorced, as have you, and this Loss of a Spouse  no where even in the same planet in comparisons........I celebrated my Divorce, as did my X Wife....I don't see the comparison......

No comparison here either but in my daughter's case she is grieving greatly.  She didn't want broken up and was totally shocked/blindsided by it.  They've been together 17 years and she is very much in love with him.  I think if she finds out he's cheating her tone will change!

Marg, you've been through some really rough things. :(

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I'm sorry, I truly feel this way too.  I wish Billy had left me for another woman and she had made him quit that Copenhagen snuff.  I couldn't.  I believe the poison from that helped with his demise.  Certainly did not help his health.  Sometimes I don't feel I was a good enough wife and even if he left me, I would have anger, ego shock, but the possibility that he might still be alive and she might could have carried him into his 80's far outweighs my ego.  It didn't happen that way though so I grieve the loss and suffer the guilt of not protecting him enough.  We cannot protect against cancer, no matter how healthy we are, how much exercise we get, if we live in a zone that has cancerous chemical emissions, in the water, in the air, it is still going to be a threat.  A well padded political hand lets the environment suffer.  But if "she" could have made him live longer I would have appreciated ti, might have hated him a little too, but c'est la vie. 

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KayC agree your Daughter will see it for what it is....Marg,I smoked for almost 40 years, when I quit,  it actually motivated Angela to quit...I believe it bought her a few good years....In hind sight, My example led to my kids to smoke in the beginning and the decision to quit led them to quit....( 4 of 5)......No grand kids smoke that I know of....fingers crossed

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I think I have put this before, but the first publication in medical journals I typed was for a resident who did a study of oral tobacco on cancer.  This particular kind was kidney cancer.  Billy quit smoking when he had to have stents put in his kidney arteries.  But, he could not give up that nicotine.  He lived till he was 74, and I know numerous people on here wish their mates had lived that long.  My mom smoked till her dying day at 95, called cigarettes her "friends."  I guess something is gonna get us.  I tried smoking as a teenager twice, was told how to inhale and both times it felt like I was dying.  Obviously did not do it right, but it was enough to make me know if something hurt that bad, I did not want to try it.  I knew there was a correct way.  I was with my girlfriends at the rodeo arena close to the house, out in the country.  They all had a tough time quitting.  But, they had to hide it.  My mom offered to buy my cigarettes, so if it was that easy, I wanted no part of it.  When I was pregnant, gaining weight, Mama tried to convince me to smoke, it would help with food cravings.  The funny thing is, she used to make me rice crispy squares and what tasted good was the smoky flavor of them.  Yet, I hated cigarettes.  My sister quit alcohol, cannot quit nicotine and neither could Billy.  Our son quit illegal dope and he quit oral tobacco, but he sure likes weed.  Smells like a skunk.  

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