Feeling guilty

[Firedragon]

Lately I've been feeling guilty for how I acted when I visited my mom in the hospital before she passed. The first day I visited, she was still aware and able to talk a little bit. However, I was so overcome by grief and fear that I could barely speak to her and stayed out of the room a lot. By the next day, she couldn't talk and was totally out of it, both from the illness and the morphine. I gave up my last real chance to talk to my mom. All I can think about lately is how she probably thought I was selfish and didn't love her.

Even before that, I feel guilty about the last time she came to see me before she got sick, at Christmas. We had a few arguments about stupid stuff and I acted rushed because I wanted to get back to work. Now I hate myself for that. Is it normal to feel this guilty?

[iPraiseHim]

YES. We review and examine every event, every memory. To find some reason to explain why our loved one died.  It is very common. We are searching for reasons why they died and if somehow we can blame ourselves.

guilt (gĭlt)

►

• n.
  The fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense. See Synonyms at blame.
• n.
  Law Culpability for a crime or lesser breach of regulations that carries a legal penalty.
• n.
  Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

 

According to the definition of guilt, you could only be charged with "loving your Mom". She probably thought it was so nice to see you.  Please give yourself permission to grieve.  This is painful.  Most of us are not taught about grief and how to deal with it.

This place is a safe and accepting place to express what you are dealing with.  You are not alone. The feelings you have are not necessarily the FACTS. I have discovered they point me to truths I need to learn about myself and this grief journey.  This place has saved me in the darkest of days and these folks here understand and have compassion.  Take care. - Shalom   

 

[kayc]

Yes, it is normal to feel guilt/regret in grief.  Unfortunately, we go through this no matter what the circumstances.  Please try to be understanding and patient with yourself, talk to yourself as you would a best friend...I've had to learn, since losing my husband, to BE my own best friend.  When we lose that important person in our life, like mom, husband, etc., they are the person we'd talk things over with, our go to person we'd bounce things off of, suddenly we find we are cut adrift with no one but ourselves to sort things out with.  That's why it's important for us, when we take on that role, to be extra kind and loving to ourselves.

I have no doubt your mom knew you loved her.  My children are adults, they don't contact me very often, aren't as close as I'd like, but I know they love me.  They get caught up in living their lives and that is normal.  As adult children, they are in that separate process of being an individual, actually it begins as children, but we really notice it when they leave home and are on their own, and this is natural and to be coveted even though we miss them.  We want them to be self-sufficient, their own person, they have to be, because the natural order of things is, we die first, and they have to be able to survive on their own, even though they'll miss us.  So I'm looking at it from the Mom point of view.  Moms know more than we give them credit for, I'm sure your mom knew you were struggling and her heart understood.  I remember what I went through losing my parents, it's not an easy thing.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html