lattiee

June 14-June 18 2002

5 posts in this topic

Many times I keep this  story of my life hidden because of a  decision  that I had to make and feel like at times many times I end up  being judge by  that  decision I made.

We ended up ttcing  the winter of 2001  so then I ended up  getting my first bfp  on Feb 12,2002 .  I was so excited I was gonna be a  first time mommy .I told mom and the rest of my family right away that I was expecting a child .  To top it off two of my other cousins were expecting babies too so I was like we could have a  full group of close cousins together with only little bit of months/weeks  apart. 

My mom was going wild with  getting baby stuff  like the bouncer , the bassinet  ,  the exersaucer all that stuff and she sent me those pics in the mail . As it was getting closer to June  I was thinking of like fly out like in  July  end up having a baby shower in  July that my mom  was gonna host   and invite many people to the baby shower .

Well, I had many ultrasounds  even one at 18 weeks after I ended up getting sick since I had  very severe morning sickness  .The ob told me all was well and she set me up to  check to see what my baby was going to  be on June 14 , 2002 . 

So I  was like ok  I'm going to start  buying stuff so I bought a crib winnie the pooh  bedding  and a playmat  .  So then the 20 wk ultrasound comes around on June 14, 2002  they are all looking at all these others saying we see normal heart , this is normal  and this  normal  then  they get quiet at the brain they run to  get someone  who looks and says to me looks like your  baby has  holorencephaly  which is a brain malformation   so then they sent me to speak  with my ob who told me  my child only had 1%  survival rate .  I also had a amnio that day  too.  I was like what and my ob set up for a termination  at a abortion clinic   on  June 17,2002 .  

I went researching  for information on  HPE   didn't find anything  but very poor quality of life  of stuff . I kept  going thru my head what if there is a error and  my baby don't have the brain issue that they say she had even tho the brain u/s pic that I saw  looked like a cone with a melted ice cream on the bottom of it .  I kept thinking at times  what if they are wrong and the brain issue isn't  as bad as they make it out to be and she is like me with simlar  problems like me  .  Then I kept thinking what if she did make it and end up in total poor quality of life being on oxygen suffering  from terrible pain   had continous  seizures  was just at a vegative state   that  just could look around but not  really do anything at all.

I was so concerned about the  quality of life that I didn't want to risk the chance of having my  child  face a misery of days of pain  and a life of  vegative state . That I  prayed n prayed over  about then I  went to the abortion clinic on June 17,2002  to start my termination  and then June  18, 2002 it was showing i wasn't dilating yet so the nurse put a gel on me to help me progress .  Later on June 18, 2002 I  ended up with major back pain turned out it was back labor was rushed to  the abortion  clinic/hospital   . I kept asking to check me  they told me they couldn't  check me . I was laboring in  terrible back pain  they put me on pit which made the pain worse .  They gave me a shot of demerol that didn't do anything . I told them I felt something wanting to try to come out   so they told me to get back into bed  n stay in bed after the lamniara insertions  came out but I went  to the bathroom pushed  and  had the baby in the toilet they shooed me out of the bathroom  told me to not try to grab the baby out of the water and put my baby in a pitcher  with the toilet water.

That abortion clinic was a  terrible nightmare .   I kept begging for sleeping shot they go your not having trouble sleeping   saying I was sleeping even tho i was just laying there with my eyes closed . It was absolutely terrible .     I spent many times  being angry at my ob  for sending me to that clinic wishing I would have had  a induction at a hospital so I could had  pics, foot prints and hand prints .  Like in the years of  the 2006 I found out that there were kids who did survive with HPE  and that some were not  as bad  and some were bad but short lived .

Sometimes I still feel guilty about it  and sometimes in the back of my head I do go  I wonder if I did make the wrong  decision back then  because if I knew of  any good Hopeful stories of HPE  then I probably would have  continued   on with the pregnancy but  I didn't  find any til  4 years after I did the termination .  

Plus,what was also even worse coming home from the abortion clinic  after you had  lost your baby  is seeing the baby stuff at your front door that you purchased two weeks ago.

It was a real hard thing to go thru and then a month  after what was supposed to be the due date I went to London in Nov. Then on Jan 16 , 2003 I found out I was pg and I didn't share  with my  SO  then  because I was so nervous about how to share with him about me being pg again  .  I went to ob no other ob's really wanted to take me after they found out I had a abnormal u/s and ended up with a termination told me i should just terminate  the baby because once you have a abnormal baby your gonna have another so I  kept  getting no help from any ob or any u/s. So, then when I was 10 wks pg  I started spotting and went to the ER they told me I lost the baby so then I went to the other ob  who confirmed that I lost the baby at  6 wks and 5 days .  She told me after she heard of my termination story reason and me  having a mmc that I should  just  get dono eggs that I would never be able to have a bio child of my own so she set me up wit a d&c  but i didn't go to that d&C appt why would i with her attitude like that  . I figured I would had  naturally miscarried and my so then  still didn't know I was pg  but  then in the bathroom I started severely to bleed was feeling dizzy . Ended up having a emergency D&C  the next morning . 

I did get to have my rainbow child  which is my son who is almost 13 years old .  He has all normal chromsomes and   he's my bio child .  When I was pg with him I attended all my appts alone  and I never got a baby shower with him.

 

 

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lattiee,

My heart is broken reading your story!  My little sister was five months pregnant and I got a call from her when I was at church (before cell phone days)...she was crying.  She'd had her baby early and something was wrong with her, an abnormality in her brain.  Too many chromosomes or not enough, I can't remember which, someone in my town had one that had the other condition but it seemed to have the same effect.  The chance of her surviving was low.  Her brain did not develop at all, nothing but the stem, which controls reflex, like breathing.  She couldn't swallow, she'd throw up, so she had to have surgery that kept her from it and have a button put in her stomach so she could be fed.  In and out of hospitals, fortunately they lived near Portland, OR and there were lots of hospitals there.  She had a cleft palate (more surgery), her eyes closer together, her ears lower.  You could tell something was wrong with her.  under 3 lbs, slow growth.   The worst part was she had no cognitive ability.  She couldn't think.  She'd never know, "This is my mom, this is my dad."  She knew comfort vs pain, that's it.  To us she was beautiful.  She had a spirit about her, I knew she was a real person with a soul, spirit.  Up until then I always had thought our brain was our center of our being, but after knowing Courtney, I knew our spirit was separate from our brain, because in spite of lacking a brain, she had a very sweet spirit about her and she smiled.  It was a little goofy looking but the sweetest smile in the world!  We all loved her.  She died just before her second birthday.  The person in my town's baby?  She lived much longer, but not a normal life, couldn't do anything for herself, she wheeled her around in a stroller, then wheelchair, she eventually died, never made it to adulthood.  But we all felt richer for having had them in our lives.  They are people!

To get the news that your child's development didn't progress normally, that must have been very, very hard. I do remember what we went through with Courtney, finding out, it was so hard.  I can't begin to tell you what my little sister went through, but she told her story at Courtney's funeral, they had to put Kleenex in every pew, we all sobbed.  She told how people would say Courtney looked like her and how that made her feel (what, I look retarded?) how she grieved the loss of her dreams, she'd never see her daughter graduate or walk down the aisle.  My little sister had always felt the need to be perfect or at least be perceived as being perfect.  This broke her ability to, it changed her.  At the end of her speaking, she said, "Courtney, I'm glad you look just like me."  Not a dry eye in the place!  Julie learned a lot through her experiences with Courtney, it was a very hard time, it broke them financially, it wore them out physically, stretched them emotionally, but they made their way through it.  It would have broken a lot of marriages, but theirs has weathered all the storms.  Courtney had purpose and meaning in life.  Sometimes we never find out what that is, but we were lucky in that we did.  

When you mourn the loss of a child, you not only mourn this little being, but all of the hopes and dreams that came with them.  I've lost three.  You don't forget them.  Ever.  They were loved, they were wanted.  

lattiee, I hope you are able to lay to rest the guilt and regret you've felt over this.  The truth is, you were called upon to make the hardest decision one can ever make.  You did what you felt was best for your child, you wanted to spare your child what she'd have to go through in the rare instance she did make it to birth.  Most of the time children like Courtney miscarry, the doctor said it was only because Julie had taken such good care of herself that she was born, and even then way early.  In most cases they don't make it and if they do, don't live long.  But then you undoubtedly know all that...still you're hit with "what ifs", I know, we all go through them when we lose a baby.  It's as if we're scrambling for some different outcome, some other way, but we didn't get another way, this is what we got.  There is no making sense of it.

I'm glad you feel safe enough here to put into words what you went through.  And then to have to go through it again, losing another child...that's hard, I know.  I'm so sorry.  I AM glad you got your son.  

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I want to add that this is not a place of judgment, but of healing, and it is that which I hope you find here.

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lattiee my dear, choosing to abort a medically challenged pregnancy can produce confusing feelings of sadness and relief along with a lingering sense of guilt. The grief that follows abortion is real, complicated and often misunderstood. I want to refer you to an article that I hope will help you to better understand and deal with your own reactions. There are resources "out there" to address this special kind of disenfranchised loss, and I hope that doing some reading on this topic will help to guide you to some of them:

Understanding Abortion Grief and The Recovery Process

Abortion Recovery InterNational, Inc.

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Great article, Marty (Understanding Abortion...)  I was hoping you'd have something about it, thanks for always coming through!

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