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6 hours ago, kayc said:

And as for the "Loss is harder for men", I'd like to see a study with statistics backing up that statement before lending any credence to it.  Men may grieve differently than women, but I wouldn't assume "harder".

Kay, I don't think loss is emotionally harder for men but in some cases it may be harder to function. Especially if those stats went back a generation or two. Back in the day, the men were the bread winners and the wives mostly stayed at home. This meant that the wife pretty much handled all the day to day chores. In some cases, I guess it applies today as well. That type of man (who relied on his wife for everyday tasks) probably could feel more lost and ill equipped to function in the real world alone.

I think that's where the "loss is harder for men" idea comes from. Emotionally of course,  the loss of a soul mate knows no bounds; male or female, young or old.

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I agree with Mitch but a little different wording.  Steve was capable of taking care of himself and daily living, but we had split responsibilities into which appealed to us.  He handled complex finances, the computers and repairs I would schedule.  I took care of our daily needs like shopping, cooking, care of the dogs, etc.  I did take over our bank account as that was tedious to him.  Now I have to handle what he did and so appreciate what he did because I hate it, as much as he hated shopping.  It was a fine tuned machine.   As years passed we really settled into these roles.  I think he could feel as overwhelmed as I do if things were reversed.  This created a need and want for each other.  A balance that didn't overwhelm either of us.  I'm so sick of things I never had to deal with it sometimes drives me over the edge.  Even when I was working, my home responsibilities were in my comfort zone.  Now I have to care about things I never did or wanted to.  I don't even like my old job as there is no one there to share and appreciate it.  So now I am doing twice as much and feel no satisfaction.  It's a hell of a way to exist cause it sure doesn't feel like living.

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56 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

It's a hell of a way to exist cause it sure doesn't feel like living.

We're here.

And we're in a world of pain, Gwen. In a world without the love that made life worth living. This is something I was reflecting on just today.

It's been nearly 2 1/2 years since my beloved wife Tammy died. I've adapted to life alone in many ways. Day to day, I function. I set goals and accomplish many of them. But these are just activities and chore and "things". What we're missing is love. And I think it's love that truly makes the world go round. With Tammy, I had so much love. Some of it was physical, the touching, the kissing... the sex. But much of it was purely emotional. Tammy loved me with everything she had and I loved her more than life itself. Her love made me feel good about myself and the world around me. No doubt, we all need a healthy heart to pump blood in our veins and strong lungs to get the oxygen we need. But we also need love to give our life some joy.

We all hurt because our beloved is no longer with us. We ache because they had so much more life to live. But ultimately, the biggest hurt is the fact we no longer can give and receive that love that enveloped us when they were alive. And when you love someone as deeply as we did our soul mate, there is no "replacement".  Somehow we have to re-create a livable, worthwhile and enjoyable life knowing love most likely is in the rear view mirror. And that feels like an impossible task.

I know some who have lost their soul mate have chosen to date again and find new life partners. And if that's what works for them, that's wonderful. For me, Tammy was my once in a lifetime, perfect for me, funny, sexy, sweet little valentine. I know my future will be me trying to find my way to a sense of comfort with (maybe) some happiness mixed in, alone. And so far, the road trying to get there has been brutally hard.

Mitch

 

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George handled repairs which I now have to hire a contractor to do, and them not always trustworthy or caring, I hate dealing with them.  Gone are the days I was taken care of!  i think it's easier to find ready made meals than it is to hire contractors, so I honestly think trying to do what he did is harder.  When it comes to emotion, men often aren't used to expressing it or dealing with it and seem at a loss, but remembering how I felt in the beginning, I can't imagine it being any harder than that.

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Life was a lot easier when our roles were shared....Gwen and Mitch, you touched on why its such an effort for me to "over Do" my cleaning/dusting rituals.......When there is no one to appreciate your toils, now I only do the minimum......I used to be an over the top kinda Gardener, now I use Round up and Mow the front and minimum on the back....If guests show up. I Blitz and promise myself never to get this far behind again........This Fall gotta catch up on the trees.............

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Kay, I think any inclination to categorize any of us in grief is folly. There are relationships/marriages where there is mostly tolerance & acceptance, there are some where the individuals love each other, and then there are marriages/relationships fully based on LOVE. Those are the folks that come here, and those are the people who continue to come here. There is no expiration date for LOVE. Not like we had. My time of love with Dana was short, this time around, but my LOVE for Dana was and is life-long.

As to who grieves the hardest, WE do.  Any outsider trying to analyze who and why has no clue. They can prod, and observe, and study all their lives, but if they haven't loved and lost like we have, they will remain clueless all their lives. Grief has no gender.

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My granddaughter was adopted 18  years ago.  I can only tell her about and show her the love of a piece of paper.  Her daddy/granddaddy "adopted" me in 1961, and though we did not share the same blood, there was no love greater.  Right now I have a problem showing love.  I feel like half my soul/body/image/personage has been taken away and I only  have half a glass left, where once it was full of all the love there was possible to give.  I wonder what happens to that part of a person.  They are still a whole person to the eye, but invisible to the people around them is another person that should be attached.  I feel guilt because there are people in my life that I should have feelings for but I cannot.  My mom will be gone a year in a few days and yet I have not cried.  I do not actually feel like the real me.  I don't know who I am, but I know I will not let this child down in any way.  But, my life is not like the spreadable margarine, I cannot cover a whole piece of bread, I am in clumps like frozen butter.  

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On 7/28/2017 at 5:16 PM, mittam99 said:

We're here.

And we're in a world of pain, Gwen. In a world without the love that made life worth living. This is something I was reflecting on just today.

It's been nearly 2 1/2 years since my beloved wife Tammy died. I've adapted to life alone in many ways. Day to day, I function. I set goals and accomplish many of them. But these are just activities and chore and "things". What we're missing is love. And I think it's love that truly makes the world go round. With Tammy, I had so much love. Some of it was physical, the touching, the kissing... the sex. But much of it was purely emotional. Tammy loved me with everything she had and I loved her more than life itself. Her love made me feel good about myself and the world around me. No doubt, we all need a healthy heart to pump blood in our veins and strong lungs to get the oxygen we need. But we also need love to give our life some joy.

We all hurt because our beloved is no longer with us. We ache because they had so much more life to live. But ultimately, the biggest hurt is the fact we no longer can give and receive that love that enveloped us when they were alive. And when you love someone as deeply as we did our soul mate, there is no "replacement".  Somehow we have to re-create a livable, worthwhile and enjoyable life knowing love most likely is in the rear view mirror. And that feels like an impossible task.

I know some who have lost their soul mate have chosen to date again and find new life partners. And if that's what works for them, that's wonderful. For me, Tammy was my once in a lifetime, perfect for me, funny, sexy, sweet little valentine. I know my future will be me trying to find my way to a sense of comfort with (maybe) some happiness mixed in, alone. And so far, the road trying to get there has been brutally hard.

Mitch

 

Mitch, beautifully said and so sad. I honestly don't know if I'll eventually find another partner or not. On the one hand I feel like you do, on the other hand I hate living alone and miss the physical contact so much. 

One thing I'm doing to fill the Susan-less hours is watching all of Game of Thrones. When Arya tries to join the cult of the many-faced god she is supposed to lose her old identity as Arya Stark. The correct answer to "Who are you" is "A girl is no one".  It makes me thnk that in this new life without my identity as half of T&S, "A man is no one".

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Tom, speaking of loss of identity...

We truly have lost ours. I went to a family event today and I just feel so out of place now. With Tammy on my arm, I had a strong sense of who I was. I was part of the Mitch and Tammy team. Two silly lovebirds who made each others life better. I felt whole. Complete. Comfortable. It was where I belonged.

It's not that I begrudge the other couples who are lucky enough to still have their beloved with them. But sitting there in a sea of happiness and seeing so many couples in love, my mind wandered back to my life with Tammy. Dreaming that she was there with me... feeling her love.

And then coming home to the empty house. Seeing Tammy's pillows in bed and her belongings still on her nightstand and dresser. I try not to ask the "why" questions anymore because there is no answer. No rhyme or reason for why Tammy went to heaven on March 6, 2015. Yes, she had been ill on and off for most of her life. But that day was supposed to be a good day.

Somehow through all this tragedy and pain, I'm trying to find my way. I still feel married to my beautiful bride and always will. Tammy's love was the best thing that ever happened to me and her love keeps me going in this sometimes bleak new world.

Mitch

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59 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Tom, speaking of loss of identity...

We truly have lost ours. I went to a family event today and I just feel so out of place now. With Tammy on my arm, I had a strong sense of who I was. I was part of the Mitch and Tammy team. Two silly lovebirds who made each others life better. I felt whole. Complete. Comfortable. It was where I belonged.

It's not that I begrudge the other couples who are lucky enough to still have their beloved with them. But sitting there in a sea of happiness and seeing so many couples in love, my mind wandered back to my life with Tammy. Dreaming that she was there with me... feeling her love.

And then coming home to the empty house. Seeing Tammy's pillows in bed and her belongings still on her nightstand and dresser. I try not to ask the "why" questions anymore because there is no answer. No rhyme or reason for why Tammy went to heaven on March 6, 2015. Yes, she had been ill on and off for most of her life. But that day was supposed to be a good day.

Somehow through all this tragedy and pain, I'm trying to find my way. I still feel married to my beautiful bride and always will. Tammy's love was the best thing that ever happened to me and her love keeps me going in this sometimes bleak new world.

Mitch

Mitch,

Same here. Today attended a small lunch, all couples but me. It didn't affect me much, thank God. The emotional wall is functioning today.

Still, I didn't feel that these couples were truly in love. I have become very sensitive to energy, emotions and feelings from others, I sensed mostly "routine". Which made the gap between them and what I had to be wider. I could not understand why I have been deprieved of my relationship.

Maybe I am so crazy that I think I get others' feelings and that I am right. Doesn't matter. They are together, I am a widow.

 

 

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30 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

Somehow through all this tragedy and pain, I'm trying to find my way. I still feel married to my beautiful bride and always will. Tammy's love was the best thing that ever happened to me and her love keeps me going in this sometimes bleak new world.

Mitch, I want to crawl inside your heart and head and know HOW you find this to keep you going.  Of course if I hadn't loved Steve so much, I wouldn't be here with all of you.  I don't feel really married anymore.  Time is stealing that feeling away and replacing it with....you are alone now.  I don't feel his love at all except in memories and that is not enough to give me motivation to go on.   I have these little adventures and no one to share them with along with new ones together.  I want to really feel him in some way, but I don't.   I'm so cold inside because everything I do now is changed and no matter what I do,  it's all in a void.  For once I would love to come home and say I'm home, babe.  I'm not asking for a pep talk from you.  It would fall on deaf ears.  I guess what I am saying is I am envious.  There seems to be a division here of those that feel ongoing love and those.that feel nothing from our partners.  I find memories and the fact we were so tight painful as we all do, but not consoling because I had it.  It's lost to me forever in this remaining life and I have no beliefs about another after this.  This all goes back to mattering to someone meaning you were needed and wanted above all else. I think about if I was gone that people would miss me, I'd cross thier mind from time to time, but it wouldn't change thier lives significantly.  I miss being that to someone.

just need to get that out so please no pep talks of how fortunate I was, I know that.  Perhaps too fortunate as I hear about other marriages that were not as deeply rooted as all ours were.  Trying to find gratitude in that is my biggest challenge.

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Gwen, my heart goes out to you as always. Believe me, this life without Tammy is a shadow of what my life was. Like you always say, we're existing; this isn't a life that feels like it should be cherished. But, at this point, as sucky as it is, it's all we have. I have many days when I do wonder why I push, why I try. And then I wake up the next day and feel a bit different and go into one day at a time mode. This new life and my moods are kind of like the whole Forrest Gump box of chocolates thing. I never know what the day will bring. Will I have energy? Be down in the dumps? Miserable and sad? Feel like life is hopeless? Feel hopeful?  It is what it is, I guess. One thing's for sure, it's not the life I dreamed of.

That feeling of Tammy being my forever bride and feeling her love inside me is my only real motivator. My only real comfort. Without that, the emptiness and the feeling of futility would probably overwhelm me. To the point I'm not sure I could even function.

 

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Thanks for the grin.  My first I don't know how long.  ?

Had a little adventure at Burger King Saturday night.  Ordered a whopper with no mayo.  Got home and that was all that was on it and tons of it.  I had another one as well for the furry kids that was tomato only,, they love their veggies.  I thought about taking theirs and just adding some ketchup and mustard but it pissed me off. Drove back, asked the kid to read the receipt and handed him what I got.  One good thing about being older is being intimidating in a nice way.  I said I want it fixed and my money back for having to make 2 trips.  So we all ate for free.  Steve would have tried to talk me out of it, but would not have been surprised I wouldn't be.  Just a little thing that made me miss him because he would have told that silly story to his friends about his stubborn wife and lack of patience with simple things with some pride in his voice.  He would have bitched about having to wait to eat, but another missed moment we could have shared.  He was never one for making waves.  I once picked up a bag of beer bottles from our lawn and took them to the neighbors having the out of control party and dumped them on thier door saying 'I believe these are yours'.  He was too chicken.  :-)

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Mitch, all that goes for me. Susan was not known to have a life threatening condition and we had the end of T&S world in about 15 minutes on what looked to be an ordinary friday. Same on family events. When I wasn't enjoying it I'd know Susan wasn't either, and we'd sneak off together and laugh about it. Susan's pillows are on my bed and probably a hundred other reminders all through our home.

Tomorrow I'm taking a solo day trip to Ptown, our favorite summer vacation spot. I'm taking Susan's new backpack instead of my ratty old one. Susan was easily pleased and was very happy with this backpack. Going thru it I found her new earphones, a name tag with images of turtles, her favorite, and sand from our vacation on the Virgin Islands campground. 3/1 we left for vacation, 3/31 she died. I'm doing everything I can to survive this bleak new world but maybe it's just too much for a poor old ?.

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Mitch, I want to crawl inside your heart and head and know HOW you find this to keep you going.  Of course if I hadn't loved Steve so much, I wouldn't be here with all of you.  I don't feel really married anymore.  Time is stealing that feeling away and replacing it with....you are alone now.  I don't feel his love at all except in memories and that is not enough to give me motivation to go on.   I have these little adventures and no one to share them with along with new ones together.  I want to really feel him in some way, but I don't.   I'm so cold inside because everything I do now is changed and no matter what I do,  it's all in a void.  For once I would love to come home and say I'm home, babe.  I'm not asking for a pep talk from you.  It would fall on deaf ears.  I guess what I am saying is I am envious.  There seems to be a division here of those that feel ongoing love and those.that feel nothing from our partners.  I find memories and the fact we were so tight painful as we all do, but not consoling because I had it.  It's lost to me forever in this remaining life and I have no beliefs about another after this.  This all goes back to mattering to someone meaning you were needed and wanted above all else. I think about if I was gone that people would miss me, I'd cross thier mind from time to time, but it wouldn't change thier lives significantly.  I miss being that to someone.

just need to get that out so please no pep talks of how fortunate I was, I know that.  Perhaps too fortunate as I hear about other marriages that were not as deeply rooted as all ours were.  Trying to find gratitude in that is my biggest challenge.

It's so hard knowing that if I died that there would be nobody that will grieve for me as much as I grieve for Lori. Nobody that hurts with such a force as I hurt for Lori. There is nobody that depends on me and counts on me like Lori did. Sure there would be tears but nothing like those that I shed for Lori. It's a punch to the guts to know that I am not that person to anyone anymore. It's a stark 180 turn from the life I had before 04/01/17. It's literally going from Eden to the desert in a fraction of a second. I too find it hard to be grateful for what we had because those highs make the current lows so much more painful. If we never knew the joys of a full and complete marriage then the loneliness we feel now couldn't be as deep. Could it? 

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On 7/29/2017 at 8:25 AM, DaveM said:

Kay, I think any inclination to categorize any of us in grief is folly.

My point exactly in response to the person that quoted this muck from AARP (my opinion only, naturally).  I was merely pointing out, in contrast to that article, what I personally felt, and I can't feel what everyone else feels, only MY perspective.  I don't think it's harder on men, I think it may be different, but it's hard on all of us truly grieving a wonderful relationship.

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16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Mitch, I want to crawl inside your heart and head and know HOW you find this to keep you going.

I can't speak for Mitch, only myself, but it keeps ME going because I know our love continues to exist and he's still rooting for me and I'll get to be in his arms again.  I just have to get through this in between time first.  I know you don't believe the same as I do.  That hope, however, IS what keeps me going.  That and enjoying what IS rather than merely dwelling on what isn't.  My dog, my family, they help a lot.

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22 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

It's so hard knowing that if I died that there would be nobody that will grieve for me as much as I grieve for Lori.

Sean,

This is something that concerns me too...esp. the thought that they might not even know the day I died.  How many days would it take for my kids or sisters to notice I was missing?  And worse yet, what would happen to my pets if no one even noticed for a few days?  To be honest, it'd probably be someone from my church that would notice I didn't show up because I'm involved in so much at my church.  

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I have friends and siblings who love me and motivate me to keep on in this cold new reality.  One sister said if I killed myself she'd come to Boston and kill me twice. However the one who made me her absolute top priority and thought I was the most wonderful ?in the world is gone. I'm no one's #1 focus now. Maybe it's an ego trip to want that, and a lot of people don't have it and do OK,  but after having it for 48 years it's awfully hard to lose it, a very vulnerable, disconnected, lonely feeling.  Referencing GoT again, "A man is no one"

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It's not an ego trip.  It's love lost.  It's not getting that back while we still had so much more to give them.  It's primal and beyond our control when we connect with that perfect person for us.  Thousands of years of history, stories and song prove that.  As does every voice here.  It's what truly makes life worth living.  No money, power or prestige even comes close to those who know what really matters.  To be the most important person to another is a completeness that makes life so much brighter and the full pallet of all it entails.  To have someone be the most important person brings us out in full.  Not even my favorite food tastes the same anymore.  You can't experience this and go back.  You are forever changed.  But ego?  No.  It's love, pure and simple.  I've tried to explain this to so many people but they cannot fathom it......yet.  They may think they do and I just think.....get back to me when it's the real deal for you.

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I agree with Gwen, it's not an ego trip.  There's something in all of us that wants to matter to someone.  That's another reason this has all been so hard, we don't matter to anyone like we did to the one we lost.

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To have that one person who is in your corner no matter what. That has your back until the end. It's the purest feeling in the world. To know that if everyone else on earth was against you, you would have that person there ready to do battle with you. Willing to die for you. I can't recall a better feeling. No matter how much I reflect on it, THAT is a feeling that surpasses all others. That is true love. I could always count on Lori. She would back my play no matter what and I would always do that for her. We both knew it without having to say a word. At one of the last family gatherings we had, Lori was speaking with my brother's wife about love and relationships. Lori told her, "We just get each other". I couldn't put it any better. We just got each other. I have nobody to lay my life down for and nobody who would do the same. To know that I'll never have that again is the hardest reality to accept.

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