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My father's ashes


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On 7/12/2017 at 2:33 PM, Clematis said:

Today I feel terrible...like I cannot breathe and can barely swallow. I should be packing to get ready to go to PA in two days and tomorrow I have someone coming to help me all day. But I feel like I am paralyzed and am unable to move. Nevertheless, I am making calls, sending documents to PA, and so on. But I feel crushed. Is this how it's supposed to be? How long will I keep going back to this crushed, paralyzed, cannot breathe, feel-like-I-cannot-function state?

Laura,

Thee is no time line on when this crushing pain will end. However, in time and working through grief it will lessen.  You have been through much stress with job, selling Dad's home, accident, etc.. that it contributes to it. Then you have sisters that are not supportive either and your planning for this memorial.  I know it feels like the initial shock of it all but I began to realize that I have been through this before and survived it and I will survive this too.  It will lessen over time as you settle in and learn to both live and live with the loss.  Your Dad is very proud of you for all you have done and continue to do.  Focus on his love for you that manifested in his life.  And we are with you in spirit and love.  Feels are not always FACTS but they do point you in the direction of truth. You are already learning much about yourself in this grief journey.  We all are as we learn, care, and share.  - Shalom, George :rolleyes:

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Laura, my dear, I think that getting this trip behind you rather than in front of you will help immensely. The trip won't be as wonderful as you wish it could be, but it probably won't be as awful as you fear it may be. The reality will probably be somewhere in between. As George says, focus on your dad's love and guidance to get you through this latest challenge. Remember that what you've already gone through in life has made you stronger, more capable and surely more resilient. And once you return to Arizona, you'll have the satisfaction of having fulfilled your father's wishes, and you'll have your exciting new job just waiting for you to begin! 

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I couldn't agree more with the both of you.  I'll be glad when Laura is there and back home again, I hope it will be a relief.

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I have returned from my travels. The trip went very well...all of the travel details went smoothly and people were very nice to me at the airports, flights, etc. The burial went fine and my sisters put forth a good effort and so we all got along. My younger sister D was amiable at every turn and we enjoyed being together. There have been a few times during our lives when a crack opened in her armor where she gave me a chance and seemed to actually see me for who I am. This was another time. Every time before this has happened I jumped at the chance to be friends with her and have a positive relationship, but it was always short-lived and she went back to cold hostility. This time I am hoping it will be different. Having Parkinson's seems to have humbled her. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, but she now shops at Safeway and is concerned about health insurance  and other normal things. She seems like a real person. This is good.

My other sister seems a little better. The unprovoked icky attacks over practically nothing continued but got smaller. I had minimal responses other than to point out my observations; I did nothing that would have escalated them but didn't just accept it wordlessly either. That seemed to work. Kind of like walking across the room and having a vicious dog run up and nip me on the heel, I commented on the bite and lack of provocation, but left it there. She has a real victim thing going on, and when I respond to her attacks with anger and "bite her back" she believes that justifies her biting me first, and uses it to fortify her belief that I am extremely aggressive and she is a meek little mouse.

I'm not sure what my sisters' experience is around the loss or our parents because they don't talk about it. I do know that my older sister has a good deal of anger and resentment towards me, not only related to the banjo. The reality is that we all three had lousy parenting by both parents when we were children, and then through most of our adult lives it was just pretty strange. The only positive and supportive relationship any of the three of us had from either parent was the ten years that I had with Daddy at the end. She is right that we should have all had unconditional positive regard, love and nurturing from both parents during our formative years, and we would have been better off for it. The fact that I did have all that from him a the end is something I worked on with him. The benefits were profound; I am a more secure and stable person after those ten years. I don't owe either of them an apology for my having a good relationship with him in the end. I told them over and over that our parents seemed in retrospect to have had a mutual bad influence and he was much nicer and a better person alone. I urged them to give him a chance and reach out to him, but they wouldn't. Not my fault. Anyway, it is what it is, and my sisters seem to be willing to move on from here. I thing it's about the best thing I can hope for.

 

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Oh Laura,

This just makes my heart smile.  I am so very glad everything went well with everyone during the service for both your mom and your dad. You were in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Sending hugs to you.  When do you begin school? I wish you a happy year.

Anne

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Laura,

I'm so glad to hear your report!  I'm glad they didn't drag you off the airplane kicking and screaming like we see on t.v.  I'm glad your sisters were civil.  Brace yourself for the one, be cautious in your optimism so you don't get let down again.  The second paragraph, that sister reminds me of my DIL.  The best I seem able to do is have a mutual tolerance as she has made up her mind she doesn't like me and no amount of good treatment will alter that.  I continue being who I am for what it's worth and try for my son & grandkids' sake, but it's doubtful we'll ever be close.  I keep in mind a movie I saw years ago that Farah Fawcett starred in, Between Two Women, she had a MIL that was disagreeable and it took 14 years but they finally got close.  Who knows, maybe on my deathbed...maybe on yours, I guess one can always hope for that breakthrough.

Most importantly, I'm glad things went well as you paid tribute to your dad, I'm sure he appreciates it.  I feel like you do, I'm glad I had that time at the end of my mom's life, I'm glad I made the effort.  Her and my dad shouldn't have been parents, but then where would that have left me and my siblings?  Everything we go through in life seems to serve purpose, it shapes who we are and who we become.  That said, I guess I'm rich! :)  I will always treasure the years spent with my mom at the end of her life and I'm glad I didn't stay away like my sisters did, I got to see her in a different light and it was much softer having her go out that way than the memories of earlier years.  Besides, the knowledge of doing the right thing, we can have no regrets.

I applaud you for being one of those people who does "the right thing", always trying.  I love you, Laura!

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17 hours ago, kayc said:

I applaud you for being one of those people who does "the right thing", always trying.  I love you, Laura!

You do? How cool is that!

I'm glad you had those years with your mom. I know what you mean. Had I not had those ten years with my dad at the end, it wouldn't have been as wrenching and the missing him would not have been so painful, but the total loss would have been much worse because both of my parents would be gone with no chance of ever having a nice relationship with either of them.

As things are, not only did I have those ten years with my dad, through him I had a different perspective on the years before with both of my parents and also those who came and passed before them. My sisters do not see eye to eye with me on any of that, and seeing them has muddied up my new vision of the past. But I think I need to let go of their negativity and maintain my own perspective. If my views on the past make me happier and more reconciled with my past and my family heritage, I think that's ok. My sisters might like to shoot holes in it and they might have valid points, but it doesn't serve me at all to listen to that. I feel more secure about my life and my future with my rosier views on the past that I gained from those ten years and then carefully picking through the things he left behind. If my picture is unrealistically rosy and fuzzy around the edges...who cares? 

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." - Albert Schweitzer

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The clockworks continue...I found this little trailer in a craft store - it was raw wood and had a hole and a little post in front, made to be a little birdhouse. Nevertheless, I saw a clock in it, painted it purple, and installed the clockworks and tiny lights. Check out the video with the flickering lights inside!

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7 hours ago, Clematis said:

My sisters do not see eye to eye with me on any of that, and seeing them has muddied up my new vision of the past. But I think I need to let go of their negativity and maintain my own perspective

Absolutely!  And that's okay for them to have a different perspective, they didn't have the same relationship you did with your dad.  My mom was plagued with mental problems all her life, had many personality disorders, but when she got dementia a lot of that went away...for one thing, for the first time in her life she got treatment for her paranoia.  I could tell it was still there, but greatly diminished.  I got to see her more as she was intended to be...minus the brain.  I look forward to someday seeing her complete and whole, no personality disorders, no dementia, happy!

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I just looked at the video, so cool!  You have an artistic eye, Laura.  You see a trailer-clock in a birdhouse. :)  I used to see cards in everything from a basket liner to toilet paper...I need to get back to my creativity.  

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9 hours ago, Clematis said:

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." - Albert Schweitzer

So very true, Laura. Our memories are what we choose to recall and what we choose to make of them.

I've always liked this one, too: "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." - Tom Robbins

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On July 21, 2017 at 0:13 PM, enna said:

When do you begin school?

One-and-a-half weeks from today...

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4 hours ago, MartyT said:

So very true, Laura. Our memories are what we choose to recall and what we choose to make of them.

I've always liked this one, too: "It's never too late to have a happy childhood." - Tom Robbins

I think that's true. I certainly have enough happy memories to comprise a happy childhood, especially if you add in the ones that would be happy with just a bit of reframing. Especially the memories that centered around my sisters and I and my dad. There were years in which I dredged up awful stuff as I was dealing with it in therapy. My sisters weren't thrilled with all this stuff coming up because they lived near our parents and would rather keep all that under the carpet. Having dealt with it and having had those great years at the end with my dad, I am now combing through the past for treasures - of which there are many. When I mention any of this to my sisters they throw in something like "but you're not including the part where he..." blah blah blah. To which I say, "you know, that man had way too many brains for one person. I know it seems a little twisted, but he thought that was funny!"

And I think he did think all that weird stuff he did and said was funny. He didn't have a good sense of how things come across to kids. When I was seven I remember him saying on Christmas Eve that he was going to shoot Santa with his shotgun. I knew he had one and remember trying to stay awake so that I could hear Santa when he landed on the roof and warn him. I figured I would tell him to leave the stuff outside and not come down the chimney. I sure didn't want to be the kid whose dad shot Santa. I tell people this story now and they laugh. It is funny. Not funny to a 7-year-old, but funny to a grownup. I remember my mother trying not to laugh and telling him to stop. It is so quintessentially him. When I looked back at this in therapy I focused on how his twisted nature was hard for his children to grow up around. Now I look back with love and laugh. I wish my sisters could join me, but they can't...

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7 hours ago, kayc said:

 I look forward to someday seeing her complete and whole, no personality disorders, no dementia, happy!

That's a good thought. I like it.

I am picking through some things that I brought over, unsorted, from my dad's house in boxes. Finding more treasures. I found an old Bulova watch that was my mother's. It's probably as dead as it seems, but I'll give it another chance and take it to the clock/watchmaker for him to opine upon.

I'll show the clockmaker and his wife my latest clock while I am there. She called me while I was on my trip, telling me that she was concerned about not seeing me for awhile after seeing me so frequently, dropping in for little clock chats, advice, batteries for watches I'd unearthed, etc. I thought it was very sweet of her...

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Bulova/Accutron is what I have, it's a great watch, keeps great time.  I like Swiss-made, and it has a Sapphire crystal, 18k, bought it in better days.  Your mom's may just need a battery after all these years, maybe a cleaning.

Good luck with school, yours starts way earlier than ours.  I hope you thoroughly enjoy your job!

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

Good luck with school, yours starts way earlier than ours.  I hope you thoroughly enjoy your job!

I am looking forward to the start of my new job. Yesterday I went and had a peek at my office. Last year I shared it with Amy, for whom I was covering while she was on maternity leave, but this year it will just be mine. I have lots of plans for it - adding to the painting collection, a microwave, a mini-fridge, and naturally lots of clocks.

But today is a hard day. Lena is having surgery to have a little growth on her ear removed. It was removed four years ago when I first had her, but it grew back. Her current vet has told me that it is a cyst and not serious, but it has gotten bigger and sometimes it bothers her and she scratches it until it bleeds. Her vet thought it would be good to remove it, and we're going to have it biopsied. It is so weird to not have her here at the house and I am crossing my fingers and holding my breath - figuratively - until she gets out of surgery!

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Lena is home from the vet. She is fine, but very cranky about the "Elizabethan collar, the indignity of it all, and the aftereffects of the anesthesia and other medications. I never dreamed my cat would ever say the things she has said to me today. I'm not sure I understand what all of it meant, but it is easy to get the gist of it...

Then now it is hours later. I took Lena next door to see my next-door-neighbor, and I guess it was way too soon. She became very frightened and aggressive - not my cat at all. Growling, snapping, snarling, scratching. After that, I couldn't get her home - I could not really get near her. And home is only in the next condo...but so far away. If she spooked, I could lose her.

Finally I called my friend Paula, who is a retired vet, told her all about it and send along a photo for good measure. Paula said that she is still very much drugged and delusional. She told me to totally ignore her and not engage until she calmed down totally. She assured me that Lena would be "right as rain" by morning. Meanwhile, we are sleeping at my neighbor's house, me on the couch. Hopefully all is well in the morning and we can go home without incident...

 

 

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I would have Arlie's cyst on his toe removed but I'm afraid to have him put under, it terrifies me the thought of losing him.  It's gotten bigger over the years and I know it annoys him, but at least he's alive.  I'm so glad it went well for Lena, even if you did get stuck at the neighbor's.  :o

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We slept on our neighbor's couch, starting with her in a hissing little ball in the corner. After a few hours she got up, used the litter box my neighbor keeps for her in the garage, and I could hear her crashing through the house bumping into things, moaning and mewling. She let me pick her up and put her back on the couch with me, and we slept through the rest of the night with her lying in my arms with the cone collar pressed into my face. I have never seen her sleep so heavily. While she was still relaxed from the sleeping I brought her home. She still seems groggy and confused, but no longer delusional and terrified. That was really awful - hard to tell which of the two of us was more afraid. And my poor neighbor loves Lena, and Lena seemed to have no idea who she was. She kept trying to comfort her by petting her but Lena only looked at her like she was the devil, and I was almost as bad. I think it was good for both Lena and I to sleep so close together on the couch.

So now we are at home, Lena needs a lot of help, and I feel like I don't know what to do. I figured she must be hungry, and so I poured a Fancy Feast pouch onto a tiny plate and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of her inside her cone so she could eat it without a struggle, pushing the door around with my finger for her so it was easier to eat. Then she sat in the kitchen watching me wash the dishes like she was lost in space. No idea what to do so I carried her into her litter box. She just stepped out of it, so I carried her to her little hammock by the back sliding glass door and she settled in for a nap. She probably needs a lot of sleep after her ordeal. Probably me too!

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How horrific!  I've had cats spayed, they put them out for that, and never went through this type of a reaction.  Have you talked to the vet about it?  Is she okay today?

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She is very sleepy and disinclined towards struggling around with the collar, which frustrates her. I have been carrying her around to wherever I think she'd like to go. Last night she slept with me in the bed under the covers all night, which was very sweet but she never does that. Much of the night she slept with her head on the pillow facing me so that our faces were both in the cone, breathing each others' breath. When I finally got up, she complained but got stood up herself as well but walked to the edge of the bed and stared at the floor with a meow. I placed her on the floor and she stood there with her head down staring at the rug. So I carried her to the back door, where she could doze in the sun. She hasn't moved; I served her breakfast there in a tiny bowl that fits into the cone. She was very hungry and ate it right up, and went back to sleep.

It seems odd that she is sleeping SO much and she sleeps much more soundly than usual. I have read that almost every creature - except us - sleeps with "one eye open", or half of their brain awake, so they can keep alert to possible danger. This morning she was sleeping so soundly I could not hear or feel her breathing, even though her face was less than an inch from mine. Then I stroked her a little and rubbed her under the collar and her sleeping went back to normal, with audible breath sounds. I suppose cats have sleep cycles, too. 

I did talk to the veterinary assistant late yesterday afternoon and she said that seems fine - that it is normal for a cat to spend a few days recovering from anesthesia. I have also been in contact with my friend Paula, a retired vet. She retired early for health reasons and is now selling real estate but stays current with the veterinary field. I sent Paula a detailed text this morning, along with pictures, asking her if this was normal. Paula's answer - "Absolutely"

So I guess she's ok. She is just sleeping a lot and seems to be most comfortable being very close to me. So I'll just stick by her...

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Lena is getting better. She is alert and her eyes are no longer over-dilated. Tonight while I was cooking dinner she did one of her little stunts to get my attention - "stealing" my chair when I got out of it. She is walking around some, but is really struggling with the cone. She will freeze and stay in place when the cone runs into something. She has trouble getting food and water out of a small bowl. And she has trouble figuring out which way to turn her head to see something since the sides are blocked. I think this is partly due to how much I have helped her.-I think she hasn't had to figure it out. When she runs into something, I run over and steer her straight, and sometimes pick her up and carry her to where she seems to want to go. And when she eats I sit in front of her with a tiny bowl inside the cone, maneuvering it around so that she can reach every bite easily. It would be a disservice if she was adjusting to something permanent, but since it's so temporary, why not help her? Hopefully she will get it off tomorrow. The vet said 3-5 days. I wonder who decides...Lena?

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