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Adjusting to the loss - how long?


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From Martha Whitmore Hickman's Healing After Loss - Meditations - for today, July 2nd - "Someone once said it takes seven years to adjust to the loss of someone close.  So there's no need to apologize if after many months we are still finding grief a major preoccupation.  And there is nothing to be ashamed of if a particularly poignant moment reduces us to tears a very long time after our loved one has died."  This is reassuring.  Marty, do you know who the "someone" is who once said it takes seven years?

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ohsosad,

I don't know how somebody came up with that seven year number. That's a bit arbitrary. I've learned there's no rulebook in grief and certainly no timetable. It's all how you feel and everyone's experience and grief journey is different.

I'm over two years into my life without my sweet wife Tammy. I've "adjusted" to this new life to an extent but I believe it will be a lifetime of adjustments. And I'm strictly taking things one day at a time. I don't think you magically adjust at seven years.

In the quote you posted the author mentioned that there is no need to apologize if you're "preoccupied" with grief after "many months". That's true, but...

The fact is, you owe no apologies for grieving. To anyone. No matter how long. As an example, Kay, one of our wonderful members, lost her George well over a decade ago and she's still grieving. And she certainly has no need to apologize for that. Ever.

We will grieve, hurt and shed tears for our lost soul mate for the rest of our lives. As difficult as that sounds, it's the end result of the deep, deep love we shared. It's that same love that will help us get through the darkest moments of our grief journey.

All part of the ebb and flow of grief.

Mitch

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I'm past 2 and a half years and feel worse than I ever did.  I've proved I can live on my own, but I already knew that.  The time just keeps becoming larger about how alone I am.   It can be something big that triggers the sadnesss or something so small such as deciding what to have for dinner.  I don't handle what we're Steve projects well such as car, computer or financial battles well.  I always did the bills, but if there were snags I turned the back and forth phone calls to him.  His former job as a manager made it a natural stress free challenge for him.  Like you, his absence is a preoccupation now.   It's been too long and will get longer that I can't connect with him in our once balanced approach to life.....together.  There are times I am losing it and wonder where did that person I was go that didn't freak out about another problem, but I know the answer.  I'm missing my other half that made life just something we did as a team.  I don't really recall anything that got either of us stressed out that we lost it.  

So 7 years?  That only scares me it could get worse and I gave up magical time lines a long time ago.  Compared to many here I feel I am losing ground.  But I have no support system of consistent friends and no family.  They don't fill the total void but it has to be better than this isolation.  I often feel I am losing more connection to the world watching it move on as it always has but no one to do that with myself.  I see people on cell phones and think gee, what's it like to check in at home?

I ran into a woman who lost her husband 3 months ago and i scared her being where I am as she looked ahead in her early grief.  Not my intention but she was also looking for a finish line that doesn't exist.

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2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I ran into a woman who lost her husband 3 months ago and i scared her being where I am as she looked ahead in her early grief.  Not my intention but she was also looking for a finish line that doesn't exist.

Great line Gwen and so true. I know when you're newly grieving, you look for anything that will give you relief from the relentless pain. The first time Kay told me that grief never ends, I was taken aback. That wasn't what I wanted to hear but it is the truth. 

There is no finish line when grieving for the one and only true love of your life. It's just living in the moment and trying to cope the best you can.

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The pain of losing Ron has dulled after 4+ years, but I'm not sure the emptiness of living without him will ever go away. I rarely get through a conversation with someone without saying "My husband and I used to..........". I'm not sure the pain of losing my daughter will ever go away. In some ways, I am still numb, but not in a good way.

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I don't think I ever said the hurt never ends, I have often said the missing them doesn't end.  Our grief journey is a long journey but everyone is unique in their journey.

I did find this quote about the average person taking seven years http://www.fr-paul.org/grief.html but I have no idea where he got his statistics or how accurate they are.  I do know that our relationships are unique, our coping abilities are unique, our grief will also be unique and there isn't a timeline that fits all.

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It has been 7 months for me. I feel stuck some days, but I have to believe that by soaking in and thru the grief cannot be held to some long or short time frame. The pain is still so very sharp most days. I have looked for that finish line even though i know it isn't there. I think it is a necessary hope people have because we are a society of task-oriented, win the race mentality. I am learning to just lean in and to stop trying to finish a race that doesn't end. I believe there will be rest stops on the way, but the journey is just that- a journey.

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93 days & hurting. I tell ppl life will never be as good & they say "it will be different" & I say "yeah, different & not as good" & they have no answer. 

Giving a single time to wherever we get is just stupid 

Being on vacay revisiting places we loved has some horrible grief moments on beautiful days. 

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3 hours ago, Patricia B said:

One month tomorrow for me...I'm just a baby here and I sure feel like one lately...

Patricia,

Try not to let anyone else's journey scare you, they're very unique, we're all different at our coping abilities.  Just keep taking one day at a time, you'll make it through this.  In the beginning I wasn't so sure, but I've made it 12 years now.  The first few years I processed...the last few years I've worked on rebuilding a life I can live, now I'm working on building friendships.  It's all a learning experience.  I think of him every day and miss him.  Life has some good in it, but it is not at all like it was when I had him.

Thinking of you today...

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The pain and hurt does diminish for most...but the Grief is always going to be there, and it should.......Always remember the best of times, which in most of our cases, spanned decades........I get misty thinking back....have a good Holiday

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My name is Victoria ( Vicky ) I lost my partner June 25, 2017. I have not really cried I miss him dearly. He went to fast.

Terry was only 62 with a lot of health problems. I keep thinking he is fine and he is coming home when the other part of me knows he is gone.

The pain is so unreal at times and yet I can't to cry. In 2007 I lost my mom and dad aunt and uncle. Mom and dad a month apart. I did not cry.

So how long before I let go? My partner was worried about me losing it. So I told him that I would not. Please help me with this. thanks Vicky

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I'm so sorry for your loss, Vicky. You've asked for help with "letting go," after promising your partner that you would not "lose it." How torn and conflicted you must feel!

In addition to this article, I hope you'll read those I've listed at the end, as all of them deal with this matter of crying ~ or not: In Grief: When Tears Won't Come

See also In Grief: Feeling Disconnected from Feeling Bad   

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Vicky,

I am so sorry for your loss. The newness and shock of our life circumstances definitely effect us all differently. It is your grief experience and it is impossible to predict when the waves and floods come.... At least that is my experience. I am 7 1/2 months out since losing my husband. Some days it is awful and some days are better than others. Know this grief community understands much of what you are going through. I am not saying that anyone can fully understand because every grief experience is unique. The new reality takes time to soak in. Let it come when and how it comes. Lean into it and breathe. Much love.

MB

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I have a friend who lost her husband of 50+ years over a year ago.  She still has not cried.  She's not trying not to cry, she just hasn't cried and she doesn't know why.  I wouldn't worry too much unless you're purposely holding back.  It's good to see a grief counselor, and I'd bring it up with them if it doesn't come naturally.  We're all unique in how our grief displays.  I know his death affects her greatly, she says she had a breakdown...but still didn't cry.  She's doing better now, she sold her house (she wanted to downsize before he died) and bought a new one, and has moved in, I'm impressed with all she's done, and her kids are good at spending time with her in spite of the distance.  

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19 hours ago, Victoria (Vicky) said:

The pain is so unreal at times and yet I can't to cry. In 2007 I lost my mom and dad aunt and uncle. Mom and dad a month apart. I did not cry.

So how long before I let go? My partner was worried about me losing it. So I told him that I would not. Please help me with this...

Vicky,

What you have learned is that grief is all-encompassing, and overpowering at times. What you will see here is that there is a multitude of others with grief of their own. And that's the thing, our own grief is unique to us. Almost all of us experience the fact that others will try and push us to "let go," to "move on," to "have a good cry and you'll feel better."  And a thousand other pieces of advice or criticism. They don't realize that there is no one-step solution, indeed, there is NO solution. And they won't realize it unless they experience it themselves.

We all handle pain differently. No doubt you've seen a whole range of reactions to physical pain, from the person who practically faints to get a shot, to the stoic one who barely seems to react to a broken bone or terrible cut. I think we all handle emotional pain in much the same way. Therefore some cry a lot, some cry occasionally, and some simply don't cry. Please don't beat yourself up if you don't cry.  I do agree it's worth mentioning to a counselor, if you see one, but if they are not trained in grief, they will not "get it" either.

The information and links that Marty provides here can be a big help. And all who join here feel your pain. Lean on us when you need to. I have certainly functioned better in my public life, with the support I have received here in my most private life. We care.

Dave

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Vicky I'm sorry that you have joined this club. Everyone grieves differently and don't let anyone tell you you're doing it wrong or are on the wrong timeline.  I agree that you might mention not crying to a counselor. I'm the opposite extreme. Maybe our combined crying is about average Tom?

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Vicky, I have chronic depression, and years ago I took Prozac for a bunch of years.  I had cancer, a lot of guilt, and did lose my dad.  I do not remember crying.  I lost my mom in August, I have not cried for her that I remember.  Not suggesting that my cause for not crying might be yours, but just letting you know there was a period I could not cry..  For health reasons now, I cannot take an antidepressant.  I do plenty enough crying for both of us.  I have heard that crying is cathartic, and maybe it is.  But another analogy is I was told if (when I was pregnant), if I just would go ahead and throw up I would feel better.  I did feel better.  Now (and I have numerous belly ailments from radiation), throwing up just makes me sicker.  So, in the same sense, crying may be cathartic, or it may lead to just more and more crying.  

I wish I could tell everyone things get better.  Somehow it is not better, it is just different.  Every day is different.  This morning with my mustard seed faith I pray for strength to just get done what I have to get done today.  I know one thing I have to do, I have to turn off the news, that is depressive enough.  Now, I have a church service on, do not recognize the music, but I need to at least listen to people who believe.  I think my spirit is just broken and I think probably a lot of people understand.

I hate you have to join us.  I hate saying misery loves company, I know that is not true.  But, what is true is that we all understand the misery. On any given day you will find someone having a better day than yesterday.  Today, I am not having a good day, but I have to get busy with the tasks at hand.  I have my teenager granddaughter living with me.  Sometimes I think if she was not with me, I would just dig a hole and crawl in it and hope no one noticed me.. 

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All very good advice on how differently this grief affects an individual.  I want to all the time, but sometimes I can't.  Now when I do it comes from so deep within me it steals my breath.  

Marg, my problem is no one notices me anymore really, or it doesn't feel the same because I am so very changed.  I don't remember what it's like to laugh or truly smile.  How to feel content and calm.  I don't need a hole for it.  

Its gorgeous outside, perfect northwest weather and I wish i could appreciate it.  I hear the people out there talking and enjoying it  while I sit here knowing it is another day to muddle thru.  I truly miss living, not just existing.

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On 7/8/2017 at 11:22 AM, Victoria (Vicky) said:

My name is Victoria ( Vicky ) I lost my partner June 25, 2017. I have not really cried I miss him dearly. He went to fast.

Terry was only 62 with a lot of health problems. I keep thinking he is fine and he is coming home when the other part of me knows he is gone.

The pain is so unreal at times and yet I can't to cry. In 2007 I lost my mom and dad aunt and uncle. Mom and dad a month apart. I did not cry.

So how long before I let go? My partner was worried about me losing it. So I told him that I would not. Please help me with this. thanks Vicky

Dear Vicky...I, too, find it difficult to cry and it has been 7 months. I am one that. cries,over an animal's death, the flag, anything patriotic and yet cant for my hubby. I have been a critical care nurse for 40 years and have learned how to shut things off BUT now I cant for the love of my life. I get easily choked up and physically feel ill but rarely any tears or if there are so very few. Many months back after his death I would get the shakes and I think that was my body's way of letting go. I think the many years of guarding my emotions with death have caused this. When I am really choked up I find sad movies allow me to cry. One in Particular loosened the dam was TAKING CHANCE on netflix but anything that worked. My hubby and I were married almost 52 years and I loved/love him with all my heart. I wish I could release the dam more but you are not alone.

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55 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

 I want to all the time, but sometimes I can't.  Now when I do it comes from so deep within me it steals my breath. 

Gwen,

Twenty eight months in, I don't cry as often as I did. But, it's amazing (and overwhelming) how it can still overtake me without a moments notice. Just the other day, I was relaxing and watching TV when out of the blue a thought about Tammy came into my head. The gut wrenching pain and the depth of my sorrow literally took my breath away. My heart was racing. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing through me as the tears streamed out.  

Grieving a lost soul mate is unlike anything we've ever dealt with. It affects every facet of our lives and every moment of it. We're living our own worst nightmare and unlike a normal nightmare, we can't just open our eyes and get relief.

---------

Vicky, I'm so sorry for the loss that brings you here. You've found a wonderful place to help you in your grief journey. None of us can do this completely alone. I lost my beloved wife Tammy in March of 2015 and the pain of losing her hasn't subsided. I don't think it ever will. Of course the intensity of the angst has lessened to an extent. I've learned to co-exist with my grief so that I can at least function. It takes time. Please post here when you feel the need to vent, we're all here to help. Just take it one moment and one step at a time.

Mitch

 

 

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47 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Its gorgeous outside, perfect northwest weather and I wish i could appreciate it.  I hear the people out there talking and enjoying it  while I sit here knowing it is another day to muddle thru.  I truly miss living, not just existing.

It's a perfect northeast day too. I could have gone sailing, which I'm trying to keep up despite the loss of my first mate, but when  my sailing buddy told me he'd like to bring his wife I lied and said I had something else to do. Except for family, being with couples is hard for me.

Yes, another day to muddle through. Since 3/31 I do things to get through the day, not because I naturally enjoy them and want to do them. Not a good feeling when it hits me.

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12 minutes ago, TomPB said:

Since 3/31 I do things to get through the day, not because I naturally enjoy them and want to do them. Not a good feeling when it hits me.

That's probably the real issue as time moves forward in our grief journey. When do we get beyond "doing things to get through the day" and graduate to doing things because they bring us pleasure. My Tammy died on March 6, 2015 and I still just try my best to find things to do to fill time until the next 24 hours of "my sentence".  Sometimes, it does feel like we're imprisoned in our own grief.

I wish I had the magical answer but I don't. Here's hoping that we all find that answer in time, sooner rather than later.

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