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43 minutes ago, Gin said:

Gwen,

Isn't it terrible not having that one person that truly adored you?  I feel Al's absence all the time.  

Knowing in any crisis someone wd make you absolutely top priority, as you wd do for them.,,

Spent day at the beach in beautiful Ptown, enjoying the ocean and asking it if there is any point to life without Susan. No answer. As Amanda Beard titled her book, in the water they can't see you cry. Best to all. Wish you were all here for a group hug

Tom 

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1 hour ago, Gin said:

Gwen,

Isn't it terrible not having that one person that truly adored you?  I feel Al's absence all the time.  

Yes, it is in my new dictionary under torture.  It's hard to live in this world not mattering the most to a person and they to you.  It's like a fine bottled wine smashed and the shards are everywhere.  Plus, the contents are gone forever, never to be shared.  Did we ever really realize how delicate that relationship was?  We heard about it, maybe saw it with our parents, but to us?  No way.  Yet, here we are.  No one caring about everything about us.  No one noticing that we are even here anymore.  I keep wondering....where did he go?  He was always here.  I watch my dogs and they are partners.   They communicate in their own way, they have each other.  Joined at the hip.  they have the bond I lost.  

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I had my doctor for 33 years, my dentist or his father all my life, now I've had to find new ones, it's hard and never the same.  I can relate.

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Thanks, Marty....that article was awesome and so right on.  I coincidentally got an email from a friend who said he didn't understand why after 2 years it is so much worse.  Of course he doesn't and never will as he is not married.  But I can send him the link in a small attempt to try and explain.  Tho we know outsiders never will.  But words are all we have to express what we feel in our hearts.  

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Certainly captures how I feel. I know couples where the one left behind only stayed on this side for a very short time - less than a month in one case - and wonder why i'm stuck  My grief is so intense it ought to be enough to be fatal. People tell me there must be more for me to do. Well yes I will do what I can to make sure my treasure is remembered. After that, as the blog says, eff it. 

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14 hours ago, TomPB said:

Certainly captures how I feel. I know couples where the one left behind only stayed on this side for a very short time - less than a month in one case - and wonder why i'm stuck  My grief is so intense it ought to be enough to be fatal. People tell me there must be more for me to do. Well yes I will do what I can to make sure my treasure is remembered. After that, as the blog says, eff it. 

It's really tough Tom. It's like the whole "meaning of life" question personified. Why am I here and Lori is gone? What is my purpose? Am I supposed to learn something from all of this? Is there something I am supposed to change about myself or a task I must accomplish? I wish I knew so I could get on with it. But God has his timeframe and it definitely is longer than mine I suppose. Truth be told, I would have rather He took me when Lori left so I wasn't stuck here in the mud spinning my wheels. 

BTW: Those people telling you there is more for you to do. Oh how I wish I could have a frank yet short discussion with them. The phrase "Easier said than done" never rang so true. If they only knew.

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41 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

If they only knew.

The sad thing is, one day they possibly will know.  I have mentioned this before, and why I mention it I have no idea.  It brings me down to street level.  I have never apologized to my friend.  I am too ashamed, I don't want to bring it up..........if remembered, she now knows that I understand.  And, most important, I know she forgives me.

She lost my cousin nearly 20 years ago.  She was/and still is, beautiful.  I can remember telling her that she was young, she would find love again.  Yep, I was one of the characters we criticize.  She never found it again.  She did not look.  I'm sure it searched her out often because her beauty and her personality matched.  The thing is, she is one of my confidants.  She is one friend that talks to me like she understands.  She does understand.  I didn't.  And the people who advise us, those who have not walked through this fire we walk in daily, unfortunately, they may remember, like I remember.  And, we will forgive them too.

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26 minutes ago, Marg M said:

 And the people who advise us, those who have not walked through this fire we walk in daily, unfortunately, they may remember, like I remember.  And, we will forgive them too.

Powerful words that I hope I can remember when the opportunity presents itself.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

BTW: Those people telling you there is more for you to do. Oh how I wish I could have a frank yet short discussion with them. The phrase "Easier said than done" never rang so true. If they only knew.

I hate it when people try to find meaning in the meaningless.  That is a cliche (there's more for you to do) that I hate.  How do they know whether there's more for me to do or not?  Why don't they tend their own life!  Grrr...pet peeve.  I don't find meaning in George being gone and me being left.  Sure, I've learned through this journey, but then I guess I've learned through all of life.  But that doesn't make sense out of the nonsensical.

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Dusky Nights...again I find that verse taken out of context

not being given more than we can handle

It was written with the intent of not being able to handle things alone, without God's help.  This is definitely one of those categories where we can use some help.  I hate it when people lay that portion of words on us like we're a wus if we can't handle widowhood.  Huh?!!  Let THEM handle it!  We're struggling our way through it and not by choice!

I love how this author puts things.

It’s very simple to me.  I’m alive because I haven’t died.  My heart continues to beat somehow. 

We see eye to eye, that's how I look at it too.  People often try to find meaning where there is none.  Sh*t happens.  That's life, or in this case, death.

I differ in one area from her...I do find comfort in having had him in my life, even though it is but memories now, they are powerful ones.  Ones that changed my life, for having had him in it.  I find comfort that at least I had one person in my life that truly loved me, bad spots and all. :)  One person who really knew me, really got me, and loved me not in spite of who I am but because of who I am!  I find that amazing, on the level with miraculous.  A love like that, it is nothing short of a miracle!

Love is bigger than death.

A good thing to remind ourselves of.

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I can so relate to every single one of you. One son visited for a few days and it was wonderful then...he is gone and the loneliness that was there before is only compounded. If I am home...which is most of the time...the tv is on morning to night. At night I like audiobooks from overdrivemedia app. Free books. I listen to on iphone or walkman and probably other devices. Listen as I fall asleep and if I wake up I put them on again. They (and the tv) help my wondering brain. Netflix is indeed wonderful as is Hulu and Amazon Prime. Hulu and Amazon Prime I get thru my son (some sort of family thing so no cost to me so if any of your friends or relatives have they mAy be able to add you. I have not tried Roku. I need the audio distraction for sure. Sorry so difficult for so many of us. Dont write much but read almost daily and sends gentle hugs to each and every one of you.

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3 hours ago, TomPB said:

Yes I only now realize how clueless I was when I thought I was being sympathetic to others' losses. 

Tom, that's the thing..

People who tell you things like "they're in a better place" or "they're out of their pain" do mean well. It's just that they simply don't understand a loss like we've suffered. And I've heard those words from folks who have actually lost their spouse. At first it seemed surprising, but I've come to realize that few couples had the deep love we shared with our better half. When I was much earlier in my grief journey, those platitudes and cliches bothered me deeply. In time though, I realized that most people don't have a clue and I let it roll off of me. 

On the other hand, now that I'm 28 months into my journey, I'm being hit with something that does bother me very much. I'm hearing "It's been over two years, isn't it time to move on?". Again, I know the people saying that think they're being helpful. Think that their words are insightful. But I find those words to be kind of ridiculous and insensitive. There is no moving on. Tammy will always be my one and only. I'm doing this on my timetable and no one else's.

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Mitch I have had the same thoughts. This group is hurting so much because we had such amazing partnerships. Just this morning I was saying to Susan's sister "The problem is Susan made it too good. If she had been less playful, less sweet, less loving...,this would be a lot easier."

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2 hours ago, mittam99 said:

On the other hand, now that I'm 28 months into my journey, I'm being hit with something that does bother me very much. I'm hearing "It's been over two years, isn't it time to move on?". Again, I know the people saying that think they're being helpful. Think that their words are insightful. But I find those words to be kind of ridiculous and insensitive. There is no moving on.

I just had that happen to me, again.  Last time was at 2 years.  I keep thinking.....move onto what?  I know better than ask because of the crazy suggestions I have gotten.  As for meaning well, I have even lost patience with that.  I've made it very clear to people they do not get it and never will unless it happens to them.  In one breath they are advising me and in the next telling me of plans with thier spouses.  They don't even stop to think what it would feel like to not be able to have those plans.  Yet I am right in front of them.  I wake up everyday knowing I cannot interact with Steve in any way.  I spend my nights in total loneliness.  I hate going to sleep because I have to do this over and over again.  Meaning is slipping away as the time goes by.  I was more productive and interested in things the first year.  It hadn't become real yet.  Now it is.  So very frigging real.  And the worst is not having interest in anything now as I once did.  I am frustrated I have lost my interests or they changed because of time itself.  My body is older limiting me.  So many things wrong but no motivation to attempt to fix them because to what end?  If I had Steve still in my life then I would have reason to do that.  To be alone and know they won't really fix what age has done, but I can't at least be getting older with someone.  Adapting together like our life was all the time.  

I cant live on memories so that is my challenge.

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Yesterday was 18 months for me.  I feel so blessed to have had nearly 50 years as friends then as husband and wife.  If I knew for sure that he was ok I would feel so much better.  Seems like I will never stop worrying.  Love to you my man. ❤️ I would love to hear your voice again.

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Marita, my heart is with you reaching another anniversary.  They just keep coming.

I, too, would like to know if Steve is OK.  Actually, I'd like to know if he even exists anymore in some form.  The question of the ages.  If he does exist, does he know how his loss has changed my whole life?  I saw a movie years ago called Defending Your Life with Albert Brooks and Meryl Streep that had passed and awaiting their next.  They didn't look back at the life they left because they were done with it and it was time to start a new one.  They had to let go to thier next life experience.  It made an impact on me because I had never looked at it that way.  I don't feel Steve around me at all, so I feel he is really gone from existence or moved to the next leg of his journey.  One thing I do hope is that there is way we will be in that next journey again.  A hope we all want and will never know as long as we are here in this life now.  I have a friend that believes she and I have spent many lives together, be it lovers, parent and child or some close relationship.  I wish I had some belief for solace, but I do not.  I think it makes it harder to get a footing in this change.  Memories are great, but they don't help the future for me knowing they are done when we could have made so many more.

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1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Memories are great, but they don't help the future for me knowing they are done when we could have made so many more.

Gwen, I know what you're saying. It is horrible and painful and sad that our connection to our beloved has been reduced to memories. We all wish this nightmare life was just that and we could go back to our real world and continue our life journey with our soul mate. If only, right?

So, the only thing to do (at least for me) is to keep that connection to them alive. Whether it's memories, or writing about them, talking about them to others or keeping things of theirs we hold dear, it does, in a way, keep them in our lives. No it isn't the same obviously. Not even close. And those memories sometimes bring as many tears as smiles. That's as good as it gets until we hopefully reunite with them in some way. 

There's no way our life will ever feel anything close to the life we cherished with our soul mate. If we set the bar that high in this new life, it's probably going to do more emotional harm than good. 

To me, it's just finding a way to get through each day with some positivity and productivity. Down the road, I hope I can feel some semblance of contentment, although it feels like that's far off, maybe even far-fetched.

I guess it's about trying to make the best of a worst case scenario situation. It's an overwhelming and daunting task. And we're facing it alone. Truthfully, it's amazing we're functioning at all.

 

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