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You need to move on. It's been almost 3 months.


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On ‎7‎/‎29‎/‎2017 at 4:06 PM, TomPB said:

Even if I'm having one of my better days I don't want to say so since they will immediately jump to "O good he's finally moving on"

Same here. It's so hard to say to people how we really feel, especially as most or even all of us tend to alternate 'bad' days with 'not quite so bad' days. I have four people - my mother, my father and my two closest friends -who I feel able to say exactly how I feel whenever they ask, though they sometimes have to get it out of me as I'm not one for talking about things and don't want them to worry too much about me! Everyone else now [two people asked me how I was just today] just gets one of my usual 'semi-positive' type answers e.g. "I'm not too bad all things considered", "I possibly feel ever so slightly better". But obviously I don't want to sound too positive. It's so hard. Sometimes I feel as if I don't want friends or acquaintances to speak to me at all, it'll be so much easier then!

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On ‎7‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 3:16 PM, Eagle-96 said:

That is reality smacking them in the face. A reality they have a 50/50 chance of facing one day. They had probably secretly hoped you would say you were doing "great" or "much better". If you tell them that then it is a relief to them. Not because you're doing much better, but because it makes them feel better about any grief they have in store down the line. The rest of the world wants nothing more than for us to be "back to normal" after a month or two. That's THEIR best case scenario in all of this. Then they can tell themselves that they will do fine in 10, 20, or 30 years when it happens to them. It's interesting when they get "the look" on their face when they ask about how we are doing and we actually tell them how we really are. They get that pained look like we are putting THEM out and making them feel bad for a minute or two. The reality is that we STAY in that pain for the rest of our lives. I wanna ask them, "Would you like to trade places. I'll feel awkward for a minute and you get to be in complete despair forever. Sound good?"

Exactly! I do genuinely feel that people mean well and are at least a bit concerned, but that they just find it hard to deal with how things really are. I've noticed that 'pained' look quite a few times and on those occasions I actually felt guilty for speaking the truth and making people feel ill at ease or even upset....which is ridiculous really!

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1 hour ago, Dr Lenera said:

I've noticed that 'pained' look quite a few times and on those occasions I actually felt guilty for speaking the truth and making people feel ill at ease or even upset....which is ridiculous really!

Do not ever feel guilty if someone seems put out by you sharing your true emotions. If they have a problem with your feelings and it makes them feel uneasy or awkward then they shouldn't have asked the question in the first place. Kinda like the saying, "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to." The biggest slap in the face is that we feel bad for making the other person feel uneasy. As if we didn't have enough pain and despair in our lives. Now we have to walk on eggshells around people so as not to upset THEM.

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Gwen, somehow the "like" button doesn't fit your statement, I want to make an "angry" face instead!  I don't understand how people can get so impatient with us for continuing to miss the most important person in our world.

Tom, you too.  No, we'll NEVER move on, so they might as well get used to it.

Marty, very interesting article, I've saved it for easy reference.  I've done guided imagery, but never thought about using this to replace those haunting last moments.  It took me years to get past it to where it didn't bother me as much, but I know it's something that continues to bother other grievers.

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My mother is coming this week for a week long visit.   She has alluded in many conversations that it's already been 5 months and I should just move on and get over it by now.  "Yes, it's hard, but put on your "big girl panties" and don't wallow."  I know that while she's here, she's going to do everything in her power for me to "not hurt anymore".  I don't want to make her sound like a monster, but sometimes she pushes because she's uncomfortable with a situation and "rising above it" is her defense mechanism.  I have a feeling that she's going to try to push me this week to be happy and just rise above it all. Be the old me she remembers of my youth.  She really does mean well.  I know she truly loves me./  She just really doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Well, believe me, I've put on my big girl panties. The veil has been lifted.  Reality hit me in the face with a full donkey kick.  I'm not that happy-go-lucky child she remembers from my youth.   I will try to be happy and keep things light while she's here, but if I feel like breaking down and crying, she's gonna see the tears flowing!  I love you, mom, but this is the new me.  Get over it.  

(Thank you for letting me vent)  B)

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It sounds as if you have a challenging week ahead of you, my dear. You might consider printing out a few articles about what is normal in grief, and giving them to your mother to read. Or invite her to read through some of the threads in this forum. I can think of no better way to demonstrate to her that you are not alone in your reactions. 

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8 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Just curious, MG, but is your mother a widow also?

No, but she did lose her parents tragically at a young age.  She was only 22 when they both died in a boating accident.

Let me clarify (I know some of you may remember me talking about my father passing not too long ago)....my parents have been divorced for over 20 years and my father passed away 3 years ago.  So technically she's not a widow, but my father is gone.  My mother is remarried.

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I think Marty's advice is good, as always, to have to educate her about what it is to be a widow.  I'm sorry you lost your father.  We all have our own styles, but I don't hold back my feelings from anyone.  They either honor them or I stay away from them.  I know with her being there, you can't do the latter.  She needs to know what this has done to you.  I hope she will be receptive to an issue she has not experienced.  My best to you for the week and hopes she will see this is not something she can make any judgement on for lack of experience.  ?

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In the list of articles, I found this one you might print out and show her.
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm 

I'm sorry, I realize it may be a tough week.  It's hard dealing with people who haven't a clue what it's like to lose your husband tell you what you should do (I have an older sister who tried that...I finally told her, "I'll tell you what, Polly, how about when YOUR husband dies, I tell YOU what to do!"  I'd tried tactfulness, that hadn't worked, this gave her the message loud and clear).

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On 8/8/2017 at 7:48 AM, kayc said:

I'm sorry, I realize it may be a tough week.  It's hard dealing with people who haven't a clue what it's like to lose your husband tell you what you should do (I have an older sister who tried that...I finally told her, "I'll tell you what, Polly, how about when YOUR husband dies, I tell YOU what to do!"  I'd tried tactfulness, that hadn't worked, this gave her the message loud and clear).

It's sad that sometimes it gets to that point where you have to be blunt and tell it like it is. I had someone in my life post on FB that they were so sad that they(niece and her husband) had to move out of their trailer and move in with my parents. They wouldn't get to be near their friends and life was changing and it was so sad. He lost the trailer because he refused to work for 2 years and wanted to just take free handouts. Not to mention that he hoarded and left the trailer in shambles. BOO HOO. I wanted to tell him that anytime he wants to trade places with me just hit me up.

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Hello everyone, I certainly feel for everyone in this group for what it is we have to endure in this life. 

my partner died of 23 years died in 2010 (yes 7 years ago) ever since that year as the time and date approaches I re-live the images, struggling to breathe the soul and life last breathes she was having were coming to end.  I was holding her hand and telling her she needed to go people were waiting for her I would miss her dearly every day and I do.  This is not a nightmare but a video that replays every year in my mind,  I actually thought I could handle this better, face the death and loss easier. I have worked many years in health care to include Hospice but in the end it doesn't make one bit of difference.  I imagine it must be linked to our emotional attachment versus our brains attachment.

I once heard in a grief group " your heart stays attached, the brain knows death is the end our heart doesn't want to move on" does anyone have this same issue?

Fast forward to 2015;

After 11 months of a very hard fight my 90 yr old mother died and I was there with her every step of the way,  always promised her I would be - until the last breathe holding her hand .... my true friend! my mom was leaving I miss them so much!  :(I still struggle with loosing both of them!!  See my mom smell her perfume I know she's here..

If anyone else struggles with this please reply...  I wish peace in our hearts knowing we will see them again.....

 

 

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pjm,

My husband died 6/19/2005, and my 92 year old mom died three years ago, our timelines are fairly similar.

I don't think deep grief of a strong love relationship such as losing your partner that you loved with all your heart ever "moves on", but it does evolve and the intensity usually lessens eventually. I continue to miss my husband each and every day and if told how much I think of him there would probably be those who'd move to lock me up!  That said, my grief is normal and not unusual.  There is nothing wrong with continuing to miss the person that meant most to us in life.

You speak of the images that haunt you...they do all of us.  Marty recently posted this link that I found interesting on imagery and how it can help those haunting pictures in our brain.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/04/nightmares-and-bad-dreams-in-grief.html

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Hi Kayc,

Yes we are similar in our timelines. 

I'm sure some of my closest friends would do the same as far as locking me up!  The images are the problem, the first 5 years after her death they did not stop.  I spoke to a grief group, and a pastor friend they said " you need to see your primary".  I did and immediately she placed me on (Effexor XR much to my dismay), I argued the fact that the medication does not take the event away!   It's the typical oh "we will give you a drug to help, one of the PA's I saw in the office said you didn't loose anyone because you do not own them"..  I was taken back and surprised at this statement coming from a "Health Professional".  I said "Excuse me what did you say"? She repeated the statement I responded to her ;  "No your right you do not OWN anyone but miss the physical presence".  Wait until you yourself have someone pass in your life and you'll see.  My observation she was young and said no one from her family had passed away.......

I left this practice never to see her again!  I thought the statement was both rude and insensitive.  I myself have been in Health care many years worked in Hospice and would never dream of saying such a thing!  Funny on my medical history I noticed it now states thanks to the (new coding of ICD-10) I have been labeled as having an "Adjustment disorder".  Very sad about this and feel this is an inappropriate diagnosis  ....

Long story short I was on this medication for 5 years and feel like absolutely nothing changed.  I find meditation, thinking positive and keeping very busy as the date and time draws near every year has helped.  I will read the article you mentioned too.  Thank you....

Just recently I slowly weaned myself off this medication and now feel better.  I decided to look at life as a book within the chapters is my life in the pages, time to move to the next chapter, turn the page but never forget the previous. :D

Quote from a journalist I truly admire for her struggle with Breast cancer "Linda Ellerbee" And so it goes"

Thank you for your kind words and it helps to know we are never alone in our struggle to continue life and reading the chapter's of a fine book. 

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I cannot believe what that PA said to you!   My gawd.  Young or not, that was so inappropriate and cruel.  I'm nearing. 3 years into my journey and if anyone invalidates my feelings they see a side of me I never knew existed.  It's like we have to fight FIFA the right to be devastated by the biggest loss we ever will face.  Recently I sought help on medical issues and filling in the grief effects was met with....that must be hard.  No sh*t.  People may not understand it because they haven't experienced it, but that is no excuse for lacking compassion.

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5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 People may not understand it because they haven't experienced it, but that is no excuse for lacking compassion.

I don't think they necessarily lack compassion Gwen, just understanding. I've lost both my parents and I was devastated, but in time, I bounced back. In a way,  there is an expectation that parents will die in your lifetime. Their deaths in no way prepared me for the enormous mountain of gut wrenching, life altering grief that happened to me when Tammy died.

We haven't just lost our best friend, our confidant, our lover or our "better half". We've lost absolutely everything. 

And the fact is, even among those who've lost their partner, few are grieving their loss like we are. Not all unions were as indelibly bonded as ours were. 

That's why I no longer get angry when people say those seemingly insensitive and inconciderate things.  That's why this forum only has a small handful of active posters even though there are multitudes of people grieving the loss of their spouse or partner. 

Those of us here have lost our soul mate and we do "get it". We understand the pain and the angst. We know this isn't a loss you "get over". There's no moving on; only learning to co-exist with our grief. 

The others, well, they just don't know. And frankly,  I really don't  care what they think.  This is my grief and my life and I'm grieving my way. 

Mitch 

 

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16 hours ago, pjm said:

Hi Kayc,

Yes we are similar in our timelines. 

I'm sure some of my closest friends would do the same as far as locking me up!  The images are the problem, the first 5 years after her death they did not stop.  I spoke to a grief group, and a pastor friend they said " you need to see your primary".  I did and immediately she placed me on (Effexor XR much to my dismay), I argued the fact that the medication does not take the event away!   It's the typical oh "we will give you a drug to help, one of the PA's I saw in the office said you didn't loose anyone because you do not own them"..  I was taken back and surprised at this statement coming from a "Health Professional".  I said "Excuse me what did you say"? She repeated the statement I responded to her ;  "No your right you do not OWN anyone but miss the physical presence".  Wait until you yourself have someone pass in your life and you'll see.  My observation she was young and said no one from her family had passed away.......

I left this practice never to see her again!  I thought the statement was both rude and insensitive.  I myself have been in Health care many years worked in Hospice and would never dream of saying such a thing!  Funny on my medical history I noticed it now states thanks to the (new coding of ICD-10) I have been labeled as having an "Adjustment disorder".  Very sad about this and feel this is an inappropriate diagnosis  ....

Long story short I was on this medication for 5 years and feel like absolutely nothing changed.  I find meditation, thinking positive and keeping very busy as the date and time draws near every year has helped.  I will read the article you mentioned too.  Thank you....

Just recently I slowly weaned myself off this medication and now feel better.  I decided to look at life as a book within the chapters is my life in the pages, time to move to the next chapter, turn the page but never forget the previous. :D

Quote from a journalist I truly admire for her struggle with Breast cancer "Linda Ellerbee" And so it goes"

Thank you for your kind words and it helps to know we are never alone in our struggle to continue life and reading the chapter's of a fine book. 

Wow!  I guess nothing anyone says surprises me anymore, not even so called professionals.  Wow!  But this is so very inappropriate and inaccurate.  That's why I'm glad we have Marty here, she's not only qualified, she understands, she has suffered loss, and she would never say something stupid like that to any of us!  People and their stupid cliches.
I like this article: http://www.griefhealing.com/column-what-is-not-helpful.htm  It has some formatting issues, so I've cleaned it up and put it into a Word document here:
Helpful-NOT!.docx

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