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Second partner loss for me (I'm only 46)


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Hi all,

I was widowed at the age of 37 nine years ago. I few years after, I had a long, "safe" relationship (safe because it was comfortable and I knew I would never stay in the relationship). Finally, just a little over a year ago, I met a wonderful younger man who really taught me how to love. I loved this person more than I had ever loved anyone.

We had one short year together. Three weeks ago, he lost his life in a motorcycle accident. This was the same way my husband died 9 years ago.

I am in such shock that this is happening again and so heartbroken - I've lost the love of my life. I don't know how to survive this...

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My dear, your post leaves me speechless, and my heart reaches out to you in your shock and pain. I am so, so sorry. I don't think any of us would know how to survive this, except to say that you will do it one hour, one moment, one second at a time. I pray that you are in the care of a qualified counselor or therapist who can support you through this devastating loss, and certainly you are most welcome to stay here with us. For now, just know that we embrace you in your pain, and we will sit with you in your sorrow . . . 

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Thank you.

The awful thing (one of the many) is that on the anniversary of my husband's death earlier this year, I finally realized I no longer identified as a widow anymore. I was so happy, finally, and could let it go. Two months later, my boyfriend died.

I'm struggling to understand why this is happening to me, what lesson about loss did I not learn? It's so unjust, I just can't make sense of any of it.

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14 minutes ago, peanutbritt said:

Hi all,

I was widowed at the age of 37 9 years ago. I few years after, I had a long, "safe" relationship (safe because it was comfortable and I knew I would never stay in the relationship). Finally, just a little over a year ago, I met a wonderful younger man who really taught me how to love. I loved this person more than I had ever loved anyone.

We had one short year together. Three weeks ago, he lost his life in a motorcycle accident. This was the same way my husband died 9 years ago.

I am in such shock that this is happening again and so heartbroken - I've lost the love of my life. I don't know how to survive this...

I am saddened for your loss and so very sorry you have to go through this journey again. You were very brave to open your heart to love again after the loss of your husband 9 years ago with the full knowledge of what loss truly means. That is a strength that not many people have. I wish I had the words to help you through this. Just know that we are here for you. I am praying for your peace and comfort.

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This was devastating to read, and right now I probably only have a slight sense of the pain you must feel. I'm not sure that I could ever truly love again and that's partly because I don't want to go through losing somebody again. I hope one day you find some small measure of comfort in that you did find that love again, even if your time together was horribly brief. My thoughts are with you.

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Peanutbritt,

I am so sorry, both for the loss of your husband and the loss of your boyfriend.  That they should both die the same way seems so very hard.  As Sean said, you were brave to open your heart again.  It did not go the way you envisioned, it did not for any of us, I am so sorry.

I don't think any of us automatically know how to survive this.  One day at a time, remember to breathe.  I'm glad you're able to express yourself, I found that really helped me.  We'll be here for you as you go through this.

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There are no words to fill in the gaps of your loss, and you at such a young age.  I cannot imagine the horror of these memories you have to relive.  My daughter, my youngest, just turned 50, so I think of you still as a child.  I do not know words of wisdom, I do not know words at all.  I am just sorry this happens to you or anyone.  I just hope you can find some semblance of peace at some time.  I hope you have someone around you also.  

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Dear Peanut Britt-

It is hard to find the right words but I am inclined to at least tell you how very sorry I am to hear your tragic tale... of not only one loss but two... as a side thought , it also means two loves... maybe that bring some measure of comfort ?

I have no idea what to say to help you cope... can't imagine the agony you must be going through...losing a spouse is devastating...

I hope you are surrounded by a loving supportive group of frds/fam/ counseling to help you at this time of great sorrow.

 

We are here for you.

Much love to you- hugs/Marie

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thank you all for your kind words.

I don't really have many people around me. I have a couple of close friends here but my family is all in the US. I am leaning very hard on my friends but these are all "newer" friends who did not see me through my first loss. It's very lonely. Fortunately, in 1.5 weeks I will be going to be with my family and a good friend for 3-4 weeks. I cannot wait, it is quite unbearable here trying to explain that I am not "feeling better" three weeks after losing the love of my life!!  I can't believe I am going through this again...

 

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So glad you are going to be with family. Where you live, do you have access to grief counseling? I hope so. It has been very beneficial for me. Losing my John has devastated me. He was the love of my life and it sounds like you lost that twice. This group has helped me hold on when I was slipping away. Lean and breathe and borrow comfort from us and others. ?

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9 minutes ago, mbbh said:

So glad you are going to be with family. Where you live, do you have access to grief counseling? I hope so. It has been very beneficial for me. Losing my John has devastated me. He was the love of my life and it sounds like you lost that twice. This group has helped me hold on when I was slipping away. Lean and breathe and borrow comfort from us and others. ?

I live in Barcelona, Spain. So far I have not found any grief counseling in my native language. It's also almost August and the whole country goes on holiday, so my psychologist is gone until September as are most of my friends. This is why I'm going to the US to be with family for most of August. I'm looking for a group in Newprot RI where I will be for 3+ weeks. After that...I don't know. I'll be back here in Europe but the future is soo uncertain at the moment, I dread the week to come much less the next month, year, the rest of my life...

 

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I wonder if there is a Hospice agency in RI where you will be. It may be good to see someone a few times while you are home. No "fix" for this, but talking helps me. In NC where I live, Hospice counseling is free. May be different in other areas. I don't know. 

My hope for you is that you will be able to figure out a way to surround yourself with supportive people when you need to and to step back when you need to. I am sorry you have had the circumstances to join this club of wounded survivors, but glad you found us. 

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Would it be possible for your family to schedule you with a grief counselor for the time you are home with them?  Also there are counselors by phone...

I'm glad you'll get to be home for a while and have family around you.  I know it's helped me to live in today only, and not go to "the rest of my life", it's too much.

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I'm so sorry for both of your loses. I can't imagine ever being in a relationship again. The idea actually makes my stomach drop. I am at about 3-1/2 months and have had everything go wrong that can go wrong. It is getting to me and I am starting to lose my tenuous grip. 

Blessings to you and know that your in my heart. I can't imagine your devistation. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

It has been about 20 months since my husband died.  Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and at other times it seems like a lifetime ago.  I miss him so.  I know he isn't coming back, his death is final.  

I feel so lost and alone.  This is the first time I have lived without a parent or a partner.  I'm 60 and I don't want to be alone for the next X number of years.  But, I also don't want to meet someone and then lose them too.

My heart goes out to you @peanutbritt.  

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Marita,

I'm turning 65 October 7th, I guess I'm alone for the rest of my life because I don't want to date and I don't meet anyone I'd even consider, the good men are married (and I probably wouldn't like them either if I knew them like their wives do)...it seems George was a one of a kind rare special exception so I content myself with remembering...
 

My best friend remarried and I know one of them has to face this again (they were both widowed) and that thought makes me sick inside as they're both wonderful people.  It's not fun being alone all the time though.  I've kind of gotten used to it but it gets old too.

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  • 2 months later...

Dear Peanutbritt....

I can relate to how you are feeling, I lost my second husband less than a month ago. I will never ever regret that I met my second partner though. The pain is just as bad as the first time, but you got to love a second time and you will never regret that.

Sending jugs and love ,

Lainey

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And I hope that everything you learned in the first loss will aid you in dealing with the second loss.  I have learned so much on my grief journey that has helped me as I've encountered other really hard places, knowing that I made it (or am making it) through that helps me realize that I will make it through the newer thing I'm going through.  Loss is painful, no way to avoid that, but I've learned our attitude can help us in our grief process.  There's nothing simple about this, it takes so much effort, but we can get through this together.

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