A Beautiful Piece

[MartyT]

This beautiful essay appeared yesterday on the Soaring Spirits blog, and I want to share it with everyone in this forum, as I hope it speaks to your broken hearts:

Grace, by Alison Miller

This picture expresses it all for me.

Where I am in this widowed life.

It was taken 3 years ago, but even then, without knowing....I was determined.

Determined that Love must be bigger than the devastation.

Determined that if I knew nothing else, if I remembered nothing else, I would know and remember the Love that Chuck left behind for me.

And it would shine forth from me.

It does. It shines and it shimmers and it glows.

It isn't any easier for me than it is for anyone else.

What you can't see in this picture, what is invisible to the human eye and completely visible to my eye, is the humongous shape of Chuck's absence that is always with me.

His physical and tangible absence to the left of me.

That's the side he walked on, always, because of deafness in his right ear.

The day this picture was taken, I consciously chose the clothes to wear, wanting to reflect the fucking warrior goddess that I was determined to be.

I chose a clear crystal to wear around my neck, on a strand of pink beads.  Clear crystal, so that the light would shine through. Pink because, well...pink, and Chuck said "wear pink to mourn for me, not black.  Pink suits you better".

I wore leggings that I laced with pink thread. They were a bit ragged, which suited me.  I was ragged and torn up. I still am.

A lace shirt to remind myself of softness and light.  What I was when Chuck and I were together.

A laced suede vest denoting armor.  Widowhood is not for sissies.  Life is a battle for me, everyday.  I make the decision every day to get up and suit up and show up, and I armor myself in pink, for strength.  For Love.

A sword. But a sword for Love, not violence. A sword because a fucking warrior goddess must have a sword.

I purposefully went barefoot that day, as I crossed streams and climbed red rocks to get to a rise above the earth. I wanted my feet to sink into the ground.  I wanted them dirty and natural and bare.  Bare and as stripped down as I felt.

And, as I posed and lifted my face to the sun above me, I felt, even as my shredded heart beat beneath my lace shirt and suede vest...I felt grace descend upon me. 

Grace.

What I needed then, what I need now, to carry me, along with the Love that is the only real and tangible thing to me in these 4 years and 3 months of withoutness.

I lift my face to the sun, still, and I lift my face to the moon and stars at night, as I travel my Odyssey of Love.  I speak to Chuck and I ask him to send even more Love here to me, more Love to hold onto, more grace to continue on.

Love...the Love that Chuck left behind for me, the Love that I feel for him now and always, is the very breath of my existence. It fuels me, it gets me going, it keeps me going.

I lift my eyes to the skies to absorb Chuck, wherever he is, if he is...and I breathe the Love from him into every step I take, every mile I drive.

It's all I have.

And it isn't enough.

Except that..

It is~

[KATPILOT]

I love it!  We draw our strength and courage from wherever we can. 

And yes, sometimes it has to be enough.

[Gwenivere]

Wherever he is, IF he is......

It's all I have,

it isn't enough.

*****************************

those words are exactly as I feel right now.  I just spoke to my counselor about it yesterday.  She asked if I knew he could see me would help and I said....immensely.  It would mean he did still exist somewhere and I still mattered.  He could not 'reply' to me physically, but the not knowing is what shatters my heart every day.  It's a futile thought, but I can't escape it.  I want to matter to him.  I will always treasure the love he had for me.  I can't stop the love I have for him.  This isn't something I can talk myself into anymore than liking a food that makes me ill to think about eating.  It's one of those mines the mind puts out there and I can't diffuse.  Perhaps in time, but now?  No. I've gone back to sobbing myself to sleep missing him because I know so acutely it brings another day of this pain.  I've recently taken on more loss in my life, that maybe the trigger as that creates more voids.  I can't turn to him for solace.  My go to guy.  He was the catalyst that started this.  I find myself saying.....I want you back!  But he is here.......in a box of ashes.  

I know what Marty posted was for reinforcement.  Funny how that can backfire.  Maybe I'm just nuts cause itvsure feels that way.

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

I know what Marty posted was for reinforcement.  Funny how that can backfire.  Maybe I'm just nuts cause itvsure feels that way.

Not for reinforcement, dear Gwen. Just something to ponder, written by someone who speaks with authenticity and knows whereof she speaks . . . ♥

[Eagle-96]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

 No. I've gone back to sobbing myself to sleep missing him because I know so acutely it brings another day of this pain.  I've recently taken on more loss in my life, that maybe the trigger as that creates more voids.  I can't turn to him for solace.  My go to guy.  He was the catalyst that started this.  I find myself saying.....I want you back!

That is one of the hardest things for me to deal with. Whenever I hurt. Whenever I am low. Whenever this journey seems like it is too much. The one person I could always turn to for comfort, advice, or just someone to hold me isn't here. I need so badly to talk to the one person that knew everything about me. That knew just what to say. That could put out the fires of anxiety that burn so fiercely right now. I'm 45 years old and it frightens me to think of 30 - 40 years without her. Our 14 years together seems like the blink of an eye right now. 

I'm not sure what your additional loss is Gwen but I will pray for your comfort to get you through it. 

[Gwenivere]

Marty, I sure wish I could be as the woman who wrote the passage.  Something  I hope happens to me someday.

thank you, Sean for your prayers.  I don't know if it's a'blessing' I am 61 and have fewer years to think about being without Steve, but our time went by in the blink of an eye too.  When we are happy and content, there just seems to be no time.  It's when that clock gets stopped we realize there is.

 

[Dr Lenera]

Very good poem, I can relate a great deal even though I'm a man, funny [well ,maybe not] thing about the pink - we decided at my Jo's funeral that we didn't want black and that everyone should wear pink, even if it's just a tie - it was her favourite colour and she would have found the sight of us all sporting that colour both funny and wonderful.

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Dr Lenera said:

we decided at my Jo's funeral that we didn't want black and that everyone should wear pink, even if it's just a tie - it was her favourite colour and she would have found the sight of us all sporting that colour both funny and wonderful.

That is so special, I'm sure it meant a great deal to her, I love that!

[Marie Lee]

Gwen - So true .. " when we were happy and content, there just  seems to be no time "...

So true ... I miss that life ....

Powerful poem Marty - thank you

Dr L ... I am positive Jo loved the pink :-).

Its the smallest of details sand kindnesses that matter isn't it?

Hugs...