Jump to content
Joy1974

It just keeps getting worse

Recommended Posts

Joy1974   

I thought the last couple of weeks that I'd been dealing with the death of both my parents better than I have since this whole nightmare started in April of 2016.Its only been three weeks since my dad passed and I've come to realize that I will always have guilt about not being at the bedsides  when  he passed and when my mom passed.Its not going to go away.

Last week, my brother had to have his 8 year old dog put down.She was the sweetest thing ever.Cancer.Of course, it's always fu$&ing cancer.

Tonight I found out that my brothers' original muscular dystrophy diagnosis at 16 may have not been accurate.He very likely has a more severe form that usually  takes the lives  those affected by it between the ages of 40-50.He is 41.

I can't do this.If /when he and my grandfather die, my kids and I will literally be alone, with minimal contact ( twice a year if that) from my extended family.This isn't how it's supposed to be.I'm older than my brother, not by much, but still, it should not be him facing the possibility of dying first, it should be me.I know realistically, people of all ages die every minute of every day .But at just 41, with a wife and three teenagers,why him?.It feels like my family is being punished, and I don't know why.I just keep thinking "who's next?".What have we done to deserve this?.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kayc   

Joy, 

I don't know if you've read this article before or not, but I hope it'll help you. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

You're obviously a caring daughter and you don't deserve to feel guilt, but I also know that reality often has little to do with it, grief brings on guilt.  I am sorry for your other losses, it's always hard losing a sweet dog, and I'm sorry your brother lost his, and is facing his mortality at an age when we feel it shouldn't even come up.  My own husband died five days after his 51st birthday, we hadn't even known he had heart trouble, I was blindsided by it.

I don't think it's about being punished, I don't believe we're singled out for death and horrible things to hit us, but the Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, and these things seem rather random to me, rather than targeted.  I know it doesn't feel like it at the time. I am one of those whose life has been one thing after another, I am alone to face the everyday things in life, I have been for 12 years now.  I am involved in volunteering, it helps a lot, I get out almost every day.  

One of the biggest things I've learned in my grief journey is to focus on what IS rather than merely on what isn't.  We don't need any help pointing out what's wrong, sometimes it takes concerted effort to notice and appreciate the good that comes our way, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting.  Practicing living in the present appreciatively, one day at a time.  I know for myself, I can't handle more than today anyway.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Joy1974   

I'm  so sorry, Kay.51 is  to damn young for heart problems.His doctor should  have done a better job.Im alone to with the exception of my kids , almost every day.We all head back to school/work soon, so at least I will have  something else to focus on.I feel so petty when I see women who are 50 plus and still have their mothers.At my age,that's  ridiculous.I had much more time with her then many people get.my 29 year old co worker lost her 46 year old mom to cancer,and that made me realize that my thinking is a bit warped.

I've started to exercise more and I'm trying to become more active again.II have moments where I can laugh and find some relief in my grief.My kids are doing well, for the most part,and im thankful for that.I just don't like this "new normal".I guess I'm still adjusting to it.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kayc   

No, your thinking isn't warped.  No matter when they die, it's not enough time.  My dad died when I was just 29, he was 62.  My mom made it into her 90s.  

The doctor didn't pay attention to my husband's symptoms/complaints, he never sent him to a Cardiologist, even though his mom died of a heart attack.  His doctor was responsible for his death.  Knowing that doesn't help me any.  I made an appt. to see him after George's death and extracted a promise from him that he would never let this happen to another of his patients, he'd already lost another before George died, same reason.

It's good you're exercising, it means you're doing something positive for YOU, and giving ourselves self-care is so important!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Joy1974   

I have no faith in doctorsWhy do they not take people's family history seriously?You did a great job calling your husband's doc out on his mistakes.I hope he remembers what he's done for the rest of his life.In my mom's case, she was  very weak and had abdominal pain/digestive issues for months and months, and her doc never ran a simple blood test, until it was to late.Her office called with the results the day after my mom died, and I was at her apartment with my family.Why would you not run a blood test on someone with a history of breast cancer?It wouldn't have saved my mom's life as her breast cancer was metastatic,but it might have given my niece and nephews a chance to renew their passports so they could see her before she died, had we known the cancer was back months before.I think doctors rush through each patient, and the less time they take with each one, the more money they make.They become desensitized,and innocent,trusting people pay for it.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Joy1974 said:

I have no faith in doctors.  Why do they not take people's family history seriously?You did a great job calling your husband's doc out on his mistakes.I hope he remembers what he's done for the rest of his life.In my mom's case, she was  very weak and had abdominal pain/digestive issues for months and months, and her doc never ran a simple blood test, until it was to late.Her office called with the results the day after my mom died, and I was at her apartment with my family.Why would you not run a blood test on someone with a history of breast cancer?It wouldn't have saved my mom's life as her breast cancer was metastatic,but it might have given my niece and nephews a chance to renew their passports so they could see her before she died, had we known the cancer was back months before.I think doctors rush through each patient, and the less time they take with each one, the more money they make.They become desensitized,and innocent,trusting people pay for it.

Unfortunately, it is not just the doctors.The system is tweaked so the doctors only have a few minutes with each patient.  Otherwise, they are judged by their proficiency, efficiency, and it affects their income and livelihood. I have several Doctor client who have chose to "OPT OUT" of the major health care system so they can treat their patients with genuine care and concern. My heart is sad that you had to experience this.  It makes grief and loss much more difficult to deal with.  - Shalom,  George   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
kayc   

George's doctor had his own practice, it wasn't a case of rushing, this doctor takes time with people.  It was prejudice and it was thinking too highly of himself and never wanting to send someone to a specialist because he always thought he could handle it himself.  Faults that are acceptable in others can't be tolerated in doctors, they aren't pumping gas, they have our LIVES in their hands!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Joy1974   

Thank you, George:)  Mom was terminal, but some warning would have  made all the difference  for us..Kay, there are just no words for that type of ignorance.It takes two minutes to arrange an appointment  with a cardiologist, ffs.If I was your husband's doctor, I would be riddled with guilt for the rest of my life.Il really, really hope he has made good on his promise to you.He owes you that ( and so much more).

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×