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Coleydoo

Boyfriend Lost Relatives and Now Withdrawing

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Coleydoo   

Hey,

I just hoped you guys would give me some advice. I have been looking through all the forums, but sometimes I need advice to my specific case (even though they are very similar). My boyfriend lost his nanna. He was obviously upset and I let him know I was there for him no matter what. Just as he was beginning to feel better, his Grandad died not long after his nanna. I text him to see if everything was alright, if he wanted time away from me. He said he wasn’t sure and needed time to think. He isn’t sure whether he wants to break up, take a break or stay together. This is killing me as our connection was so deep and he turned in a matter of hours, not even over night. I know double death is hard, I well and truly feel for him. I’m just stuck in a limbo and it’s killing me. I also have anxiety issues and not knowing what’s going on is severely affecting me. I haven’t eaten in days; I’m just a big bag of worry.

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kayc   

Coleydoo,

I am so sorry you find yourself caught in this situation.  Grief strikes not only the one who lost someone, but it seems to lash out at us bystanders as well...we get the fallout.

This is my story:
http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/index.php?/topic/5333-here-i-go-again/&page=1 

I've read all of the posts in this thread and find some very real commonalities.  I only remember one person that made it through their relationship totally intact.  In our case, although we broke up and never resumed as we were before, we were able to reconnect in time as good friends and stay in touch.

Grief is very hard hitting and not everyone reacts the same...many want you there for them, many others want their space, feeling they cannot handle doing a relationship at the same time as grieving.  In the beginning grief hits them as a shock, a sort of numbing protection, so it may take a while for it to hit and when it does, that's when you might see them pull back.

My number one advice is, don't talk relationship talk with him, it'll drive him further away.  Don't make any demands.  That is if you want to preserve what is left, which may or may not be within your jurisdiction anyway.  

Number two advice, keep busy, active with your own friends and family.  don't pressure him into seeing/talking to you.  Let him give the cue as to how much/when.

Number three, take good care of yourself. 

You may find in time that you don't want to wait in the wings, that it's too hard on you.  That's okay too.  You need to ultimately do what's best for YOU.  

This is a situation in which there can be no blame.  This is no one's fault.  If I ever have someone in my life again, I want it to be someone that can share in all of life with me, not someone who retreats into themselves, but that's a pretty big "if" because I haven't even dated since Jim broke up with me and it's been seven years now. I'm okay by myself. ;)

I hope you'll be the second exception!  Feel free to come here any time to vent, ask questions, just get things off your chest.  You are feeling anxiety, understandably, you are grieving too, because this is not what you expected and it's very hard to go through.  My heart goes out to you...from one who's been there. :(

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Coleydoo   

Kayc,

Thank you so much for the quick response! I too have read many of posts in this thread. It is comforting to know that it happens to many people. :)

At least I have the hope of him possibly staying with me as he hasn't officially ended it. Many people on this thread didn't have that luxury. I want to give him time but how longs too long as I don't want to be strung along just hoping he'll stay with me, it isn't fair to me. 

I love him with all my heart and he knows that even though I haven't told him in a while. I stupidly mentioned the relationship at the beginning but haven't done since. I just want him to be happy whether he's with me or not.

I'm happy you managed to stay friends with yours! It must be lovely to know he's there, even if it wasn't what it once was. It's nice to know you came out stronger on the other side and I hope that can happen to me whether I'm with him or not.

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kayc   

I certainly wish you well with it, it's a hard place to be in.  One thing I hope you keep in mind is it's not personal, even though it FEELS personal.  Very hard to step back once we've been in the relationship but if you're able to it could well salvage some of the relationship.  For myself it was very hard at the time but a few months later I was okay and I think things ultimately worked out for the best...mine had Asperger's which affects the relationship as well, but he's still a great guy and I truly care about him, he makes a good friend.

I'm sorry your uncle has ALS, that's very very hard, I had a friend die from that a couple of years ago. :(

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Coleydoo   

I got a message from him just before saying he's breaking up with me. He said it was nothing to do with me and he was very much in love with me, he just can't be in a relationship. He said 6 months down the line we could possibly get back together. I told him I just want him to be happy and he said, "I'm not totally sure I am totally happy" which I'm not sure if he means within himself or the choice he made, I'll find out soon.

 

Surprisingly, I'm fine. I was upset for an hour or two but I feel okay. I know if he does truly love me he will come back once he is in a better place. We only have shared happy memories, he only has those to look back on. If it's meant to be it will happen. 

I won't pin all my hope on it just in case it doesn't happen, I don't want to be disappointed. For now, I will concentrate on work, driving lessons, friends & family and just keep myself busy.

I'll keep you updated what happens in the future, but for now I'm happy where I am. 

 

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kayc   

You are handling it as well as you can.  I'm glad you can see it's not personal, even though it affects you personally.  

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