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I started dating a widower 3 months ago and we were getting on really well and seeing each other on regular dates. On Sunday he went to scatter his wife's ashes with his in laws and family. He says now that there is no chemistry between us...until this weekend we had been sleeping together, had weekends away and he seemed to love making me laugh. Is he struggling with his emotions or is this really the end?

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It's very emotional to scatter the ashes of your spouse.  You don't say how long it's been since he lost her.  You can only go by what he says though and respect his wishes.  In the future, I'd go slower especially with a widower, so you don't invest so much of yourself only to get hurt or disappointed.  If it's a fresh loss, he may not know his own mind yet and his emotions are probably all over the place, and he may feel guilty for getting into a relationship.

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20 hours ago, SLM said:

I started dating a widower 3 months ago and we were getting on really well and seeing each other on regular dates. On Sunday he went to scatter his wife's ashes with his in laws and family. He says now that there is no chemistry between us...until this weekend we had been sleeping together, had weekends away and he seemed to love making me laugh. Is he struggling with his emotions or is this really the end?

He's been a widower for 2 years 8 months and only just scattered her ashes. I've given him my full support and told him to take what time he needs. It was a very full on relationship and he gave the impression that he liked me a lot. He said he was falling for me after a month. He contacted me today to say he would like to meet up and talk as he does have some feelings for me. I feel very confused.

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I'm so sorry this is happening to you, my dear, and it's certainly understandable that you're feeling as you are. Although this man's wife died some time ago, the scattering of her ashes could have been a major "trigger" ~ something that forced him to confront the reality of her death in a new and different way, which can feel to him as if he is starting the grief process all over again. This does not mean that he's lost ground and made no forward progress in his grief ~ It's just another step in the normal grief process, and it all depends on how he chooses to react to it.

You might find these articles helpful: On Dating A Widower and On Dating A Widower: Is This Unresolved Grief? 

~ and for you I'd especially recommend Julie Anderson's book, Past Perfect! Present Tense: Insights from One Woman’s Journey As the Wife of a Widower

 

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I'm sorry you're going through this, it has to be hard, especially after seeing him this long.  I agree with Marty, that scattering his wife's ashes was a huge trigger.  I hope he'll realize that he will always feel these feelings he has for her and that it needn't preclude his having another relationship.  In time the two can learn to co-exist.  My best friend lost her spouse 7 1/2 years ago and met someone else who had a similar time line 2 1/2 years ago and they got married, they are very happy together.  They both realize they will always cherish their departed spouse, they keep a picture of them up and don't feel threatened by that but rather understand each other all the more with their loss and their newfound happiness.  They've been married a couple of years now and are very happy so I know it can be done, so long as they both respect the prior relationship and realize the significance of not only that relationship, but their current one.

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Thank you for this. I really thought we had got closer as a couple prior to last weekend and I was worried this would happen. I've always appreciated his feelings and love will always be there for his deceased wife and we do talk about her occasionally. He has a picture of him and his wife on his wall and I've only ever said it's a great picture. I don't have any issues with it at all. He says he wants to meet to talk to me which is good except that I'm worried he really just wants to finish. The Friday before he went to scatter her ashes he confirmed a trip to Edinburgh with me in November for my birthday. I just really confused especially as I know I love him dearly and don't want to lose him.

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I hope "the talk" goes better than you anticipate.  Of course you are concerned, who wouldn't be!  I really hope all goes well...

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi kayc, the talk was very emotional, he admitted immediately that he missed his wife and that he was probably depressed. Bc it was a happy marriage I knew I would always be second to his feelings for her and I'm fine with that. He still says he wants to come away with me in November. We went for dinner again the following week and he was cute, funny and insisted on paying even though I tried too. He joked with me saying he was going to tell his counsellor all about me with a wink. He stayed over and we just kissed gently for an hour or so. I thought he was happier but today by text says he wasn't. He's going out with old friends this evening which I think is a positive. I miss him though. Have asked to meet up tomorrow evening? When he takes me to dinner and kisses me so much I fall him again and assume that all is fine. I know he's hurting, what do I do? I don't want to lose him, I love him.

 

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There is a saying that to know the road ahead, ask those coming back. You might consider finding other people who are dating widowers and whose experiences may be similar to your own. For example, two of the regular bloggers on the Soaring Spirits International website's blog are themselves a widow and a widower who are now married to each other. Their separate writings are honest, open and revealing, as they often write about their relationship with each other and how they both manage to hold onto their love for their deceased spouses too. You'll find them here: Sarah Treanor and Mike Welker  ~ and as I mentioned in an earlier post, this book is very informative, and one of the few I've found to address the kinds of concerns you are facing: Past Perfect! Present Tense: Insights from One Woman’s Journey As the Wife of a Widower 

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21 hours ago, SLM said:

Bc it was a happy marriage I knew I would always be second to his feelings for her and I'm fine with that.

I wouldn't necessarily say "always be second", your relationship could grow very strong and he could love you very much for who you are.  You will never have those years with him that she had, but then again, none of us can get those years back.  You could forge a very beautiful relationship based on who the two of you are.  He will always miss her, yes, but we can learn to coexist with our grief and even while we're missing someone, still enjoy what IS in life.  Wishing the best possible for you...

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