Lost My Mother

[Vero]

Hello,

I have found this website about a week ago and I have been on everyday since then and finally decided to join. I have lost my sweet mom on March 3rd, 2006. She was my whole life, my best friend. She was only 56. She was a dedicated nurse working in a palliative care center and taking care of people who were dying of cancer. She herself died of cancer. It all happened so fast. We found out she had cancer the day that she died. She was doing just fine, never complained about anything, just feeling more tired than normal. She was planning to come and visit me to FL for a week but she died the day before she was supposed to come and see me. She ended up in the hospital early on a Tuesday morning (a pulmonary embolism took her to the hospital), doctors started doing all kinds of tests on her. My sister called me around lunch time that Tuesday to tell me that mom was in the hospital. So i bought a plane ticket and flew to be with her the day after (wedsnesday). More tests were done wedsnesday and thursday. Got the results on Friday in the early afternoon and she died at around 8:20 that Friday night. I never had the chance to talk to her about what was happening. She could barely talk and breath, she was getting worse and worse so fast. We were all there with her when she died. I can't take that picture out of my head, seeing her dead. Drives me crazy. I have been thru hell since then. I just can't believe that it happened. I just wish I could have one more minute with her, just want to hear her voice again one more time. I have been feeling all these feelings that we are all going thru, anger, emptiness, sadness ... Can't sleep, im so tired. Can't stop crying. Going to work is so hard. Yesterday, I had a really bad day. Today is not as bad, so far. I cried my heart out last night so I guess that's why im feeling a little better today. I have been getting mentally ready all week for Mother's Day. I bought her a card yesterday, not sure yet what I will do with it. I made a small garden (with plants that attract butterflies, her favorites) and plan on adding one more plant every year on Mother's Day for her. This is the only thing that I came up with to honor her on Mother's Day. I could go on and on talking about my mom but I will save some for next time. It's good to know that I am not alone.

[Mom's angel]

I cried while reading your post, brought such memories from the time of my mom being in the hospital back. 

Glad you all were with her at the last moment.

I know it's too late to reply, sorry if it bring up any sad emotions back.

Your idea of making a small garden is great. 

I've heard our beloved comes in the form of butterflies too. 

I was travelling through train two days ago and suddenly a butterfly appeared from behind and flew out of the window, 

It gave me an instant feeling of happiness, I looked outside and saw two butterflies. 

My Mom indicated her spiritual presence around me since the Beginning of my new life without her physical presence.

[kayc]

Vero, I'm so sorry you lost your mom to cancer.  I lost my MIL to cancer in 1987, I took care of her the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with it.  She was my best friend also.  Yours went really fast, not enough time to absorb it.  I'm sorry you're having so much trouble still, am wondering if you've tried grief counseling?  I did when my husband died, it helps because they are trained to know how to walk us through it.  

Your idea about a garden to honor her is wonderful.  My husband and I liked to garden but I've lost the drive after he died, it's not the same not having him to share it with.  I hope you get your butterflies and they bring you some peace.

This is a good place to come to and talk about what you're feeling and going through.  You have a lot of people here that can relate.